To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

[cheaperthantherapy]

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

I think YAB a little U to be so angry, if she has no idea about kids, she will have no idea that you are already doing all you can to quiet a crying child and is just as at the end of her tether as you are. I think as parents we sometimes forget how badly non-parents cope with sleep deprivation

Ditch the note, take a bottle of wine with the earplugs and hand them over in person - I'm sure she'll be a bit more resonable about your DD crying if you explain what's going on, and that it won't last forever

wine for neighbour, doctor for child, then Calpol

If your baby was a newborn, I would say YANBU. But as it is, you are totally in the wrong. I know you can't always help your child waking, but 6 times a night? You should have gone round and apologised for the noise before this anyway.

I can't believe you are angry with her for being upset! You're going to have to find out where she sleeps and move your daughter as far away as possible. Or failing that, you could try putting wardrobes etc against the party wall to dampen the noise.

What kerry mumbles said.

I don't think a child crying waking at night is inevitable.

Waking a neighbour up at night every night for months is totally avoidable and should be.

Seems like you handled your own situation very maturely and empathetically Kerry...and I'm sure your neighbours will have appreciated your explanatory visit and will have been more understanding as a result.

Earplugs don't work for very loud noises anyway. I wear them sometimes to muffle sounds like a fan in the bedroom, or someone watching TV fairly quietly in another room. But a child screaming at the top of its voice just the other side of a thin wall? Not going to work. Same for car alarms going off outside, neighbours playing loud music etc.

I do sympathise with the neighbour actually. Yes you have to expect a bit of disturbance and neighbour noise sometimes if you live in a big city (or indeed anywhere other than a detached house in the middle of nowhere). But if it's been every single night, for months, and seems to be getting worse not better recently...if I were her I'd be seriously considering moving, especially with another baby on the way!

Not blaming you OP as I'm sure it isn't easy for you either, and obviously you're disturbing her on purpose. I can understand how she must be feeling though.

Your neighbour will either sleep in the front bedroom or the back bedroom. You need to find out which and have your dd in the opposite room. I'd be steaming if I'd been getting woken up 6x a night for the last few months.

Yes, some are understanding but some are not. Kerry - yes you can apologise, which I would and have done. But what else can you do?? That's what it comes down to really isn't it. Which is why if the neighbour is ill through sleep deprivation ear plugs are the only answer. People should be emotionally intelligent enough to realise that we are suffering too, we do not need additional harrassment.

If this was a teenager playing loud music it would, of course be a completely different issue.

Sorry, I mean obviously you're not disturbing her on purpose!

what a bitch, she could have spoken to you about it rather than put a snotty note through the door, I cant believe how many people are saying yabu. Maybe she will move, Id be glad if she did.

Id be willing to bet the medication thing is a load of bollocks and just for added effect, to put a note through your door at 5am is bonkers.

I'm very surprised at people saying you should put the child in a different room. There was a thread on here about a year ago where the OP's neighbour was demanding her baby should be put in another room and everyone sympathised with the OP.

A bitch cos the neighbour's desperate and has been woke up repeatedly every night for a month from a new neighbour who has made no attempt at friendship!!!!

Actually I'd been relieved she hadn't done worse by now!!!

LunarRose I don't think a child crying waking at night is inevitable. Waking a neighbour up at night every night for months is totally avoidable and should be.

How?

op, try to move your furniture against the party wall. , if not you could try putting up a curtain rail and having floor to ceiling curtains.

swap rooms around if you can.

i am not sure that going downstairs will help as sound travels up the walls anyway. i can hear the ground floor neighbours 3 floors up. it may also cause your baby to get into the habit of waking for a play.

I would also suggest going to the gp as she might have an ear infection. (etc)

occasionally, when we were desperate, dd used to sleep in the car seat to give everyone a chance to catch up on sleep. we have 2 sets of neighbours adjoining our bedroom. the other bedroom was out of action because of work needing to be doone on it. work that we had no control over as it was to be organised and paid for by the association of flats and meant that we were without a nursery for the first 6 months of dd,s colicky life.

I agree with 11, she could've spoken to you directly about it. Not post a shitty letter through the letterbox.

Perhaps if she had come to the OP directly, she wouldn't be so bloody angry about it.

I'm really lost for words that people up the thread think they can call someone unreasonable for having a child who cries too much! It's not actually something the parent can control, if we could don't you think we'd have done it seeing as we want to be asleep too??!

I think people have been very hard on the OP, especially saying she's entitled. No neighbour is more entitled than the other but a decent person would understand that there are some situations beyond control and teething is a tricky one to even medicate.

Frankly I feel sorry for OP and her neighbour.
I feel for OP for obvious reasons.
I feel for her neighbour because I experienced the same thing in my twenties when I was doing an FT job and studying for a professional qualification. I was innocent and assumed that the Mum next door was negligent. God, how I hated her. Surely you could just give a baby a breast, a bottle or a burp and put it straight back to sleep?

Of course babies cry, especially when newborn, colic, teething and ear infections. But we also need to try our best to minimise inconvenience to other family members in the house and neighbours. It's just good manners.

• Take your DC to the doctors to rule out (or not) any problems other than teething.
• If it is just teething then give DC Calpol or, even better, the Ibroprohen (spell?) version as 6 times a night screaming sounds OTT.
• Put wardrobes, cupboards, shelves against party walls.
• Fill room with carpet plus rug, thick curtains over blinds, lots of soft furnishings etc to absorb noise.

We've done this in the past with DD and our neighbours have done this with their DC too and we've also regularly apologised to one another. Their newborn never bothers me now even though I know he cries alot. Just rearranging their bedroom along party wall has helped alot (as we did when our DD was tiny).

And remember, you have another new DC on the way so the problem will continue for a few more years...

Gnome, excellent solution.

electra, maybe it was different people on the thread or opinions have changed since then.

IMO, the OP should consider:

Apologise for the noise and explain its because of teething. How does the neighbour know she isn't using one of the 'leave baby to cry' techniques?
Find out the sleeping arrangements for the neighbours house. There could be someone else in the other bedroom, so moving bedrooms would just shift the problem onto someone else.

Get DD to the doctor to see if there is anything else that can be done.

Sleep next to baby in the room which will disturb neighbours least. If necessary sleep downstairs for a couple of weeks.

Look into sound proofing/dampening the room.

Take DD away to friends or relatives for a night or two(obviously explain the situation first). A few nights of unbroken sleep for the neighbour may put her in a better frame of mind to discuss.

she could have spoken to you about it rather than put a snotty note through the door

At 5 in the morning? The note isn't as bad as banging on the wall or knocking on the front door.

Just to add to my previous post, we did controlled crying on our DD (I know this is frowned on here but that's the way it is). We never whisked DD away from her room when she cried, we did the whole timed controlled crying thing after explaining to our neighbours what we were going to do. It solved DD's sleeping issues within a week and she's been fine ever since.

BUT, it sounds like your DD is now in physical pain, so deal with that first.

I am laughing at the put up floor to celeing curtains, move your furniture, put in extra rugs, swap rooms etc suggestions

its a semi detached house.... you cant dictate your neighbours through the wall. babies cry .. its a fact of life. Its not anti social behaviour and its not deliberate. If the neighbour doesnt like it she can make noise reducting measures

God the op must be stressed enough without added pressure from the neighbours

and I am guessing she is getting so little sleep that she aint got the energy to make home improvements

Just ignore them op .. seriously

It doesn't take much to rearrange bedroom furniture. Yes babies cry but we need to be considerate of others. It's nice to get on with the neighbours.