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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 27/09/2011 15:38

whatmeworry - I don't think the neighbour can report the noise of a baby crying as a noise menace.

But she could report it if she believes the crying is being ignored and the baby neglected or suffering in some way that isn't being dealt with.

electra · 27/09/2011 15:39

Some have been supportive but some definitely haven't. And the op does not sound like a bad person who only cares about herself - she sounds stressed as anyone would in her situation.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 27/09/2011 15:39

Electra she says herself the only reason she didn't post it is because her DH didn't let her.

electra · 27/09/2011 15:41

oh I definitely don't think that having a baby trumps the needs of others in fact that's one of my pet peeves.

SpringHeeledJack · 27/09/2011 15:49

cheaperthantherapy Tue 27-Sep-11 09:16:50
I guess there is a difference if opinion on this one - but have taken a breath and I will talk f2f and calmly and of course apologise

can't believe this one is still going when the OP decided she was BU over 6 hours ago

snoooort

Grin

^

grovel · 27/09/2011 15:54

Oi, SpringHeeled, wind your neck in.

LoveInAColdClimate · 27/09/2011 15:55

OP, I can understand why you are upset and kudos to you for saying that you are going to go round and apologise. I think in the circumstances maybe you should pop round to neighbours on both sides with a bottle of wine and say how sorry you are about the noise and that you hope it will be a short lived issue. They will be your neighbours for a long time, potentially, and it's nice to have people near you on side. You will soon have another crying baby so don't add to your woes with a neighbour feud if you can help it!

SpringHeeledJack · 27/09/2011 15:57

well, grovel, really

grovel · 27/09/2011 15:59

?

SpringHeeledJack · 27/09/2011 16:03

my large bosom, of course

grovel · 27/09/2011 17:35

Springy heels and a large bosom? A rare combo.

DandyLioness · 27/09/2011 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 27/09/2011 17:41

If I had a baby waking me 6 times every night - I would be mightly pissed off with both note and noise, both sides have shattered nerves I would think.

lack of sleep does take its toll

Bottle of wine might be in order for both of you.

Lots of sensible thinking to make sure you both get much needed sleep and lots of conversations to keep the peace

Hulababy · 27/09/2011 17:58

I had a baby/toddler who did not sleep.
I lived at the time in a flat with neighbours nearby.
I did everything in my power to minimise night time noise.
I coslept as this helped reduce it.
DD luckily did not cry a great deal, was just awake, which helped.
At 20m we did controlled crying which solved the problem within 3 or 4 days.

But we had neighbours and I did speak to them and apologise if DD was disturbing them and explained that it was short term and we would ensure we did everything to prevent or reduce it. Before I did CC I spoke to immedate neighbours also, to warn them.

Sleep deprivation is awful. It is an awful lot worse when you can't control it, when it is not your baby.

I really feel for the neighbour. A week of being disturbed so much and months of twixe nightlyw akings. I struggle to sleep so being woken up int he early hours would result in me being awake longer than the 15 minutes it takes OP to settle her child. This would seriously affect me. I'd be a wreck for work and my own activities. TBH it would, by now, be starting to really grate.

For anyone to put a note through the door at 5am they have to feel pretty deserate let's face it.

It is down to the OP to speak to her neighbour and yes, to apologise for her disturbed nights. Surely that is common decency?

After all it most certainly isn't the neighbours fault she is not getting a decent night's sleep is it?

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 27/09/2011 20:10

I don't think op's coming back - and I don't really blame her.

CardyMow · 27/09/2011 21:25

Nah - She would be getting NO apology from me. Babies cry. Tough shit. If she doesn't want to hear it - then YES she will have to move IMO. Environmental health CANNOT get involved for a baby crying - no matter how annoying some people find it, it's natural. And sending a fucking note??!! WTF is wrong with coming round and talking to your neighbour? Or, even better, being sensible and accepting that babies cry.

jellybelly101 · 27/09/2011 22:03

Wondering if your sense of entitlement could be any bigger huntycat?

Notsurehow · 27/09/2011 22:17

Oh huntycat I would just love to be your neighbour Hmm

I am sure that the EHO may not be able to have any influence but if the neighbour (who is entitled by legal definition to a "peaceful existence") chose to call social services........then what?
We all know babies cry but the longevity and frequency,to one who has no children and in desperation of a decent nights sleep,MAY lead her to believe there is a greater problem or just take whatever measures she can to try and get some sleep.
It is not her child,not her choice,she has no control but yet her life may be on the verge of collapse.We don't know the pressure she may be under at work or the effect her lack of sleep may be having on her.through no choice of her own.
The advice for the OP is clear,apologies/gifts and empathy,meds and visit to Dr,"soundproofing/changing sleeping arrangements",beyond that.......there is little else that can be done for/by either party.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 27/09/2011 22:19

What a weird post, HuntyCat. Dogs shitting is natural, too. Would you want all over your lawn? Cos it's NATURAL, you know, so we should all have to put up with it, no matter how inconvenient...
Have some fucking empathy! The poor neighbour cannot sleep and is probbly struggling through the week as a result of disturbed night after disturbed night. It's not like it's HER fault!

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 22:23

Obviously you can't apologise for the baby crying as that's nobody's fault except the baby's and presumably she can't speak.

You can, though, say you're so sorry that the neighbour's sleep is disturbed.

I wonder whether the neighbour would cope better if she knew the baby and the mum and knew that they were suffering, too. When my neighbour's baby cried I'd think, "Oh god, poor X, having to be up all night" and I could go back to sleep. I knew she'd be desperately trying to calm the baby so that she could go back to sleep. And then I'd see the baby all happy and smiling the next day and we'd laugh about her being a party girl. I think a baby's cry, when I didn't know the baby, would upset and annoy me much more.

nailak · 27/09/2011 22:26

doesnt the neihbour think that perhaps the mother of the crying baby is facing a harder time then she is?

microserf · 27/09/2011 22:28

i don't think the OP was BU. a note at 5am is aggressive and rude. a knock on the door at 5pm to discuss the issue calmly like adults would have been fair. a crappy way to deal with the problem.

really shocked at all the "some people think they're entitled because they're parents" posts here with no sympathy for OP. i've been there, and while we made every effort to minimise the sound (including taking our child to the lounge downstairs from 4:30am every morning...), it didn't stop our bastard neighbour from banging on the wall.

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 22:33

A knock at 5am and a convo between a stressed out tired mother and a stressed out tired neighbour, could have been explosive.

11plus · 27/09/2011 23:28

well im sorry but considering that op was the one that posted and not the neighbour i feel i am more going to side with her than neighbour. i think to suggest there are problems exceeding what op has said is wrong, waking up a lot in a week is not cause to go to doctors, they would piss themselves laughing if you did. The neighbour was arsey to post such a letter - there were other actions she should have taken first if she wanted to maintain any kind of relationship with her neighbour. OP obviously feels bad about it all, and isnt doing it on purpose, and I really dont GET anyone that makes demands that she checks her baby at the dotors, puts padding on walls etc. Way over the top if you ask me, little one is not going to be like that forever, and actually teething can make a child scream themselves sick for a week, because it certainly did mine...teething can indeed maake children feel really bad. Just because it didnt make yours that bad, it doesnt mean anything.

11plus · 27/09/2011 23:31

and also they arent in the same room, there is some silencing betwen them, likie a whole wall - maybe neighbour has problems that are making her super sensitive, if not then it is crappy insulation, that OP is not the only one responsible for.