To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

[cheaperthantherapy]

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

11plus - I dont understand why posters on here think OP could do anything about it, Im sure that if she could have she bloody well would have, shes not exactly enojying having a screaming baby at night and Im sure shes tried everything she can! And also, why would you take your baby to the gp for teething?!

Nobody thinks the OP is a miracle worker who can stop a baby crying with the snap of her fingers. But she can do something about it.

She can move the baby, or put up something to muffle the noise. She can apologise to the neighbour about the broken nights and offer an explanation which may help the neighbour to accept the noise without further complaints.

And the suggestions about the GP are to see if there might be another reason, other than teething, for the baby to be in so much pain that she is waking in distress six times per night for over a week.

The GP might be able to then give the baby something for the pain of teething or find out if something else is wrong. And everyone, including the baby, might get a better nights sleep because of it. That's actually the most important piece of advice she has been given, because the baby is not happy and teething gel is not working. The GP could help find something that does.

Nobody is saying that the baby is wrong to cry, instead they are all acknowledging that the crying is a sign that something is wrong.

Nobody thinks the OP has a magic solution that she is deliberately not using just to spite her neighbour, but she can do something to help everybody, from her baby to her neighbour and herself, if she takes the advice on here.

As I have said crying isn't within someone's control as such, but I would be looking to work out why baby is crying. At this point it could just be habit if nothing else!

ASD sleeping problems, there are things that we have tried that have helped (not solved). But that is entirely different from a supposedly neurotypical baby.

Am hoping the OP is on maternity and can sleep during day!?!?!?!?

If the neighbour is working, they won't be able to sleep during the day. They'll be at work, tired.

Twice a night for a few months isn't abnormal enough for a doctors visit though is it? I know mine would have looked at me like I was a pfb mum

I still have not heard anyone come up with a fool proof solution of how you stop a baby crying if it's not something that can be fixed via medical attention

In the Olde Days it was called Gripe Water,and in the Old Days it had alcohol in it :)

kerrymumbles, it's only the past week it's 6 times a night. The baby was waking twice a night previously.

She sounds desperate if she is sending notes....
AND the OP is pregnant - OMG she probably will need to move to get some sleep - especially if it seems "normal" to be woken 6 times in the night by a 14month old screaming and crying. Sorry - I have had 2 and that does not seem "normal" to me. Take the child to the doc and and see if there's a problem.

You want to be pleased she's not vindictive - she could just put her stereo on full blast to drown out the noise (our car alarm sounded one night for 4 min before we found the keys - our neighbour woke us the following night at the same time with super loud brass band music.... mmm petty?)

We have been in this neighbours situation and in the end it got so bad for me mental health wise that we actually moved - we were young renters at the time and so we could do so.

We never actually asked if the family could be quieter as we assumed that they were doing all they could. It was absolutely awful and stressful though.

Now I am a bit harder hearted having sleep trained a few dc myself - obviously whatever the OP has been doing since June (discounting the teething in the last week) hasnt been working and she needs to try something else. I think the approach of benign neglect where it will get better as they get older is just too antisocial for a built-up envionment.

And doesnt the OP want the 14 month old sleep trained before the new baby arrives? and yes you can flame me for saying shes trying as hard as she can but not much progress has been made has it?

This "get some earplugs and job done" idea is just not true. In my jerry-built Victorian house, earplugs plus pillow-over-head only dulled the sound, and there were actually more substantial walls between the neighbour and her crying child than between child and me.

In the end we did as someone above said and shelled out a lot of money for proper, professional soundproofing on our bedroom party wall: it was that or move house. There was no hope the family actually making the noise would pay, and in my case it really was affecting my health.

This doesn't help OP settle her crying child, but people bashing the neighbour and assuming she ain't tried earplugs... clueless.

11plus, if something was causing me to wake screaming 6 times a night I would not call it normal and I wouldn't wait a week to get painkillers. My son is also 14 months and teething has never caused him to wake even once at night, but my GP gave me some syrup (can't remember the name, have it in the fridge at home) which is stronger than Calpol to have handy just in case he has teething pain. Fortunately we've not had to use it. I don't see why the OP's GP shouldn't do the same.

The waking twice a night (when not teething) is not usual for a 14 month old and I would certainly raise it with my GP if it were my son, although I wouldn't go so far as to call it abnormal. I do find it worrying in the OP's case because the baby was not doing it before. In other words something has happened to cause his sleep to become unsettled where it was not unsettled before (so he is not just a naturally poor sleeper), and that something has not resolved after 2-3 months (which is cause for concern, surely?)

actually I was trying to be nice - but I agree with Kerry mumbles and omnishambles.

[pulls on own pair of judgey pants]

and mobilis!!

Ear plugs block out everything when I've used them - but I do see that like everything else, everyone's different but it was my experience which made me suggest it was a good idea.

The thing is, no baby cries night after night in reality, do they I doubt that is literally happening. I feel sorry for the OP, Mumsnet is in no way as supportive as it used to be - she could have used a bit of empathy from some of you but lately it seems to have become fashionable either to immediately brand someone entitled or say they sound like they have a personality disorder. It's a shame. As far as I'm aware in the mumsnet ethos it still says if there's one thing parents could use it's a bit of support.

Although we might sympathise with the neighbour too it's not her posting is it?

...and they all lived happily ever after....

Actually,i would say sorry to the neighbour for her sleep being disturbed.

Who knows what type of job she has to go to every day.

Maybe she put the note through the door at 5am on her way to work.

support is saying perhaps the OP should have been done the doctors by now. Support is saying perhaps she's too tired to have thought have it herself so perhaps we can suggest it to help. Support is saying can we suggest something to improve the relationship with the neighbour

But actually the OP didn't ask for support, she asked if she was being unreasonable with regards to the neighbour. I think it's telling that she got support anyway, even from people who thought she most definately was!!

What she got was support and advice (earplugs and all!!)

OP agreed to apologise waaay up the thread, very good move IMO. Also think of moving baby or soundproofing the wall. Agree that whatever the OP has done isn't working, need a rethink.

Scary how many people on the thread think Have Baby = Entitled to Rool Over Other People.

Am rather curious as to whether neighbour can report this as a noise menace, apparently baby crying can reach up to 110 decibels (like loud rock concert or an car horn) - 85 dB is the limit for not getting hearing loss and above that volume does count as a menace in many areas. Now that could be interesting - first ASBO at 14 months :o

But she didn't post the note, and presumably wrote it because she's exhausted too and emotions are running high. Much like the neighbour - but it was ok for her to post the note?

Also, personal attacks are not necessary really are they? Calling people on here a cunt and a cow is not lovely behaviour either in my book.

I agree with LunarRose, the suggestions the OP has been given are supportive, because they have offered her potential solutions to the number of problems she has in this situation.

That's much more supportive than agreeing with her without meaning it, just because she is the one posting here, or calling her neighbour names. Or ignoring her altogether because we think she would be unreasonable to send a nasty note but we didn't like to say so.