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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
electra · 27/09/2011 14:24

I still have not heard anyone come up with a fool proof solution of how you stop a baby crying if it's not something that can be fixed via medical attention.

What did you all do during teething?

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:25

calpol, teething ring, up all right soothing!!!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/09/2011 14:28

yanbu after 11 years in healthcare I can say with conviction that people lie left right and center and unless I saw the medication with a pharmacy label on it I would ignore it.

Babies cry and you just have to get on with it. Her turn will come.

electra · 27/09/2011 14:28

But what if the baby isn't ill LunarRose? Some children do cry a lot just and when they don't have the language to tell you why it can be difficult to figure out a solution. If it was colic, what then?

Look, I would do anything to get a good night's sleep, I go crazy without. Sometimes it can take a while before you figure out how to placate the child. I think that most of us will try everything though?

kblu · 27/09/2011 14:29

I agree with PanicMode. Three years ago i'd have probably been the pissy neighbour as I had no idea a child could wake up that many times in one night screaming the house down (until I had one that did).
It's no one's fault really, but when mine was being particularly bad I used to just take him downstairs and let him scream down there in the middle of the night and not take him back upstairs until he'd settled. So yeah he probably woke the neighbour up when he started screaming but he possibly didn't keep her awake.
It's a difficult one. I can sympathise with both sides.

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 14:29

Surely dropping round with a concerned I hear your little one up several times a night is everything ok

I'm guessing the neighbour works and the lack of sleep is making her tired the next day.

A lot of people in their mid 20s with no children, will think of themselves first. Not out of selfishness, but no day to day experience of babies/children makes it difficult to empathise with a parent of a young child.

electra · 27/09/2011 14:30

calpol and teething ring didn't work for me and I have a child who won't be cuddled when she's upset.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be adverserial but those things wouldn't be a solution for colic either which is a big problem for small babies.

HeidiKat · 27/09/2011 14:30

I feel sorry for you OP, I think some posters have been harsh on you. I don't get how the OP has a "sense of entitlement" when she is doing all she can to calm the baby and not leaving her to cry. Unfortunately noise is part of living in close proximity to others, in my house I can often hear next door's dog barking and the kids from two doors down shouting in the garden and jumping on the trampoline constantly through the summer holidays but I wouldn't go round and put a note through the door. A visit to the neighbour to smooth things over or an apologetic note would be nice but I wouldn't be taking her wine or chocolates, just the earplugs.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 27/09/2011 14:31

We don't really know what the note said though, the OP didn't put it word for word.

And if it was written by an exhausted person at 5am, after weeks of broken nights, and read by another exhausted person at 5am, after the same weeks of broken nights, then desperation could have been mistaken for rudeness.

We haven't seen the note, we don't know the neighbour or her state of mind or if she has other issues or not. All we do know is that she has been tolerant for a few weeks and now finally reacted in a way that the OP has taken offence to, even though she is now doubting her own reaction and wondering if she is BU towards her neighbour. If the note were clearly rude the OP wouldn't be having that doubt.

Unless we know what the note said exactly we can't really judge how rude it may or may not have been, or if it could be read as desperate rather than aggressive.

TipOfTheSlung · 27/09/2011 14:32

I have learned to my cost that walking around soothing a baby all night, watching all night tv while feeding the baby in the hope it will keep it quiet and sleeping sat up on the sofa with a baby causes it's own issues. Such as falling down the stairs twice within one week. It doesn't solve problems just postpones them and actually makes the whole thing harder. also the harder you you try to keep that baby quiet the more stressed and upset you get the louder they seem to be. Says the person who ends up in her sons toddler bed at least 3 times a night because of bad habits.

OP are you ok?

mobilis · 27/09/2011 14:35

Doctor for the baby. He's obviously suffering and needs decent painkillers (have them in reserve for the next lot of teeth if this batch is finished coming through).

OP said the baby has been unsettled and waking in the night since the move. I'm assuming that baby did not wake in the night before the move and is therefore quite capable of settling for the night. It's been 2-3 months, either something else is disturbing the baby (illness, pain, noise at night or whatever) or he is now waking from habit and needs some sleep training - quite acceptable IMO for a child of that age who has previously demonstrated the ability to sleep through the night.

The neighbour does deserve an apology. Even if it is not OP's fault that the baby is crying, the neighbour has had her sleep disturbed. The apology is just a courteous way of acknowledging the inconvenience to the neighbour, it's not an admission of guilt!

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:35

I dont understand why posters on here think OP could do anything about it, Im sure that if she could have she bloody well would have, shes not exactly enojying having a screaming baby at night and Im sure shes tried everything she can! And also, why would you take your baby to the gp for teething?!

electra · 27/09/2011 14:36

I completely agree with heidicat. The guy next door to us has been having work done on his house for 2 months - it wakes my toddler up when she's napping he also has loads of bonfires which I hate. On the other side there is an alarm clock that goes off at the weekend at 6am and whoever set it doesn't turn it off. There is no way I would put notes through doors though. What I do is shrug and say it'll pass.

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:36

mobilis, OP said baby has been waking a lot because of teething for a week only...this is normal and does not require strong painkillers.

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 14:37

Intent is the keyword, mother and child are not disturbing the neighbour on purpose.

id say 99% of noisy neighbours dont do it on purpose, just inconsiderate thoughtlessness. Doesnt make it any easier to bear

its a tad different though crying baby doesn't = music blasting, cars revving, arguing etc etc

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 14:38

*late at night

jenfraggle · 27/09/2011 14:38

Not everyone can wear earplugs. I have narrow ear canals and am unable to wear them. Someone who suffers from regular ear infections would also not be able to wear them as they can make the inside of your ear sweaty and ideal conditions for infections to flare up.

bonkers20 · 27/09/2011 14:38

calpol and teething ring didn't work for me and I have a child who won't be cuddled when she's upset.

In which case I would certainly have talked to the neighbours who might be sitting there thinking "give the poor child a cuddle". It's very unusual for a child to not respond to medicine when unwell or human contact when upset. I think I would feel happier explaining this to neighbours so they'd cut me some slack. It's just courteous.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be adverserial but those things wouldn't be a solution for colic either which is a big problem for small babies.

This is a 14 month old I think.

piprabbit · 27/09/2011 14:39

There can only be 2 reasons for the note arriving at 5am.

Either the neighbour had been woken again by the baby and, unable to sleep, written a note and decided to post it at once before she lost her nerve.

Or she was leaving the house for work at that time, which must be a nightmare to do on top of a very disturbed night's sleep.

Either way, it smacks of being the act of someone who is not coping with your baby's crying. The fact that she has had to seek medical help in order to be able to handle the situation supports the fact that she is finding the crying incredibly intrusive and upsetting.

Be kind to her when you talk to her - you don't know her and can't understand what other pressures she might be suffering, at work, in her health, family health issues, personal life problems etc. Many people can keep a grip on things so long as they are rested - lack of sleep might be the final straw for her.

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 14:40

@ tipoftheslung also the harder you you try to keep that baby quiet the more stressed and upset you get the louder they seem to be agree with this

also like tipoftheslung - hope your OK, OP don't take it to heart

kblu · 27/09/2011 14:41

If you took your baby to the GP for teething he'd look at you like you were wasting his time. I've had a baby that didn't sleep well, it's horrendous, you will try anything to get that baby to sleep. No one wants to get up six times a night to a crying baby, it's absolutely soul destroying.
I think all the op can do is apologise and say it's a phase and hopefully for both their sakes it will pass (because it will pass).

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:42

Depends on the problem, But when I get stuck I do ask for help, here on the boards or in the case of the ASD sleep problems from the team who are in place to help DS. (actually for sleep problems the boards here are superb)

not that I will solve them but we have tackled some of DS' easier getting to sleep problems ones with a degree of success. incidentally his sleep problems are significantly worse when I am also tired

Cuddles usually at least quieten tears (of course this was more complex when DS wouldn' let us hug him)

But I do believe if people are awake and others are asleep they shouldn't be disturbed. (me excepted, I look after whoever's awake)

I think we all agree the odd disturbed night here with a baby is to be expected. When they become routine I'd be looking for help

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:42

good point piprabbit, she could have been going to work, which would make sense a little bit more.

electra · 27/09/2011 14:43

I know - I was talking hypothetically about crying babies and some people seem to suggest crying is within the parents control.

It is to a certain extent, and I have said earlier that I think it is a good idea to apologise but for some mean people that's not enough and they see fit to bang on the wall.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:50

If my doctor was that dismissive, I would change doctors. But even health visiors suggest calpol, at the moment that's still an option to explore.

Tip of he slug - Yes I've been cavalier in my suggestions, however at this point with relationships deteriorating rapidly with the neighbour I would work on the easy solutions and go on solve the problems they cause when relationships with the neighbour improve.

Am hoping the OP is on maternity and can sleep during day!?!?!?!?

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