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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
ForYourDreamsAreChina · 27/09/2011 13:54

If this child has been "teething" 6x a night since July, then it's obviously not teething is it?

Nobody has said the OP is unreasonable for having a child who cries too much, (although most people would, I think, by now have realised that it might be an idea to get the child seen by a GP as that amount of crying is not normal, not for teething, not for anything.) Where the OP was unreasonable (and about 9 pages back she said she was going to go and see the neighbour and apologise and put it right) is to think that her neighbour is going to be as gaga over her baby as she is. (and I also would say 14 mths is a lot different to a newborn, whose job description it is to cry)

Welcome to real life. Your baby is the centre of your universe and can do unconditionally what it wants, when it wants. For other people it is at best an irrelevance, and at worse, what this baby is turning out to be for the poor woman who lives next door. A bloody nuisance.

Yes, before you start, I am a mother, I live in a flat, I've had a screaming baby. And not once, have any of my neighbours had to resort to telling me I'm causing them sleepless nights. (before you say it to me)

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/09/2011 13:54

LunarRose I really would like an answer to my question.

addictedtofrazzles · 27/09/2011 13:55

Electra - it is not normal for a child to wake 6 times in the night. Teething does not go on for weeks - a few unsettled night, maybe.

If the OP's child can not settle then perhaps she needs to think about CC (whilst moving child into a travel cot in a different room and explaining to the neighbour that there will be a few more nights of disturbed sleep).

So many Mums make excuses for their child's poor sleep habits. This should be a wake up call that they need to tackle the root causes. The whole family must be shattered.

YABU

VivaLeBeaver · 27/09/2011 13:57

But putting the baby in a different room is an easy step that can be taken to minimise the disturbance to the neighbour - why wouldn't someone want to do this?

Yes I accept that living in a semi does mean that you have to put up with neighbour noise to a certain extent. I don't complain about my foghorn neighbour who can be very loud at times when talking, especially if he has friends over. However if he was playing his stereo in the night I'd be saying something.

I know that a child isn't a stereo and can't be switched off. So thats why I think that moving rooms would be a good compromise. I do think that waking 6x a night for months is not normal though even when teething.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 13:58

Electra - OP is not being unreasonable for having a child who is up crying at night.

But yes it is completely unreasonable to expect unending patience from your neighbour

(incidentally I too have a son with ASD with ongoing sleep problems, but also a daughter who incurably wakes up too early and a DP who is a night owl. No the problem of children waking might not ever be cured but somehow we do have to be in the position where if one or more of us is unavoidably up, we don't wake those sleeping)

But, I think this is key, lots of other people on the thread (including me) have offered up ideas to try and improve the situation both for the OP and the neighbour. When your sleep deprived you can even think let alone work out if there is a different way of doing things!!!!

11plus · 27/09/2011 13:58

lunarose, yes she is a bitch, putting a snotty letter through the door is hardly going to be first course of action is it, its not like the op is pinching the baby to make it cry and then holding the baby up to the wall to deliberately piss the neighhbour off is it! She cant help it if the baby is crying and must be having a hard enough time as it is. I think its despicable. What was the...'she made no attempt to make a friendship' comment about? Are you making a little scenario up in your head, if you are going to use that as a feeble excuse for the neighbours bad behaviour I think you might want to bear in mind that Im sure the neighbour didnt either!

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 13:59

Quote of kungfupanda's post from earlier

The crying eventually died down and I commented on it to the neighbours thinking they had come up with a magic cure. It turned out they had bought insulating material and stuck it on the wall between the nursery and our bedroom!

So it can work.

brighthair · 27/09/2011 14:00

I'd go round with a box of chocolates and apologise to neighbour. I know babies crying is normal but I would be frustrated if i was being woken that many times a night
My job means I have to make decisions which are life or death ones, and I don't do that well when I'm tired!
Doctor for LO too

electra · 27/09/2011 14:02

You can't judge what other people's children do from your own, that's something I've realised - they are all so different. Dd2 has slept like an angel from birth, though teething and never even needed medications at night when she had a cold - I occasionally used calpol. Dd3 is soooooooo different - she'll scream the house down all night if she has a runny nose because she can't breathe properly. I never knew what a sleepless night was until I had her.

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 14:02

11plus, the neighbour doesn't know why the baby is crying just that she has been woken up. IMO, a note at 5am is less confrontational than a knock on the door.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 27/09/2011 14:04

I don't think anyone was calling the OP's baby "abnormal" though.

What they were saying is that for a fourteen month old to wake twice a night due to being unsettled is one thing, but to then start waking six times a night, teething or not, is possibly a sign that something more is wrong and it would be a good idea to go to the doctor.

I don't know how we got from that suggestion to arguing about if the baby was being called abnormal for crying.

The neighbour didn't complain when the baby was waking twice per night, she complained when the baby started to wake six times per night. She might not have done it in the best way, but we don't know what her situation is or her own state of mind. I don't want to start the "perhaps she has this reason or that reason..." guessing game. But neither we nor the OP really know why she might find the situation stressful and so it's not fair to call her a bitch etc.

Neither is it fair to say that if she is bothered by the noise then she should be the one/the only one to change her house around and wear earplugs etc. We don't know what steps she has taken to reduce the noise or get a good nights sleep before she finally complained.

I wouldn't want to wear earplugs. I'm partially deaf anyway and I worry that I wouldn't wake up if my own LO cried, or the phone rings, or the smoke alarm goes off etc.

And I don't think it's wrong to apologise because the noise of the baby crying woke the neighbour. It's an entirely different thing to apologising because the baby cries.

"I'm sorry if the baby woke you, she's only 14 months and she's a bit unsettled about the move. She's also just started teething and is in a lot of pain. We've taken her to the doctor and we hope she will have a better night once the medicine starts to work. In the meantime we've moved her cot away from the wall and put up a wall hanging to help muffle the noise."

Surely that's a lot better than "Babies cry, so fuck off and buy some earplugs, bitch!" isn't it.

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:05

I dont think you should go round with a box of chocolates, I think you should go round, say sorry that the baby has been disturbing her and that you are doing everything you possibly can to stop it because obviously you are having a shitty time dealing with it too, but that you wish that she could have approached it before it got to the point wherby she thought it appropriate to send a letter at 5am! She owes you an apology as well!

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 14:06

11plus in my opinion your comments/attitude are far worse than the neighbours...and you don't have sleep deprivation as an excuse!

I wonder how you would behave in the neighbours situation....

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 14:07

@ Lunar Rose Actually I'd been relieved she hadn't done worse by now!!!
Shock by doing what exactly?

@foryourdreamsarechina Yes, before you start, I am a mother, I live in a flat, I've had a screaming baby. And not once, have any of my neighbours had to resort to telling me I'm causing them sleepless nights. (before you say it to me)

what was the solution that worked for you? I imagine sound would travel more in a flat. Your neighbours didn't resort to telling you, did you approach them and apologise or just assume that they couldn't hear.

kerrymumbles · 27/09/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:13

11 plus - No actually I have a lot of sympathy for the sleep deprived - as you might imagine from my last post!!! At 5am you don't stop and think "actually it might be better if toddled round and make friends and try an solve it together". It's not her baby and the only contact she has had with the neighbour is through the baby crying, hence people saying some form of contact otherwise would be preferable. Being tired and desperate and only writing a note really doesn't make her a bitch.

Whosegotmyeyebrows - if you look back at previous posts I have made suggestions. I've known Mums and Dads take babies out for a walk a drive round the block in the car, anything to get the babe sleeping.

In terms of sound proofing other people have come up with some much better options.

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:14

In the neighbours situation, I would probably have tried to catch the neighbour if she was just coming in and have a chat, say hi, I live next door, how are you getting on in the area etc, then ask if everything was ok because Id heard the baby crying a lot at night and say it must be really hard for you. I would hope that would be enough for OP to say 'Oh my God, Im so sorry is it keeping you awake a lot, I'll try and do something about it.'

My attitude isnt bad at all, Im not saying that the neighbour has no right to be upset or fed up that shes tired, but why on earth would anyone let it get to the point where they werent having a quick friendly chat with the neighbour before going to the doctors for medication for it and sending nasty letters through the door at silly o clock.

I would probably have done the same as OP, written a really angry letter but not actually send it, then come on mn to try and get perspective!

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 14:14

Intent is the keyword, mother and child are not disturbing the neighbour on purpose.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:15

Purplemumbles - As someone said environmental health, banging on walls, generally coming round and being unpleasant

11plus · 27/09/2011 14:18

kerrymumbles, it wasnt exactly a polite note was it, and the baby isnt being made to scream on purpose, and OP has said it has only been for the last week that its been bad.

electra · 27/09/2011 14:18

The neighbour is an adult KerryMumbles - not a 14 month old baby.

That said, I think I can see why someone might scrawl a note when they're at the end of their tether. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it's aggressive and not the best course of action. It's also true that perhaps this woman does not understand that you can't always stop a baby crying. I think the OP should talk to her neighbour and the neighbour should understand it isn't her fault. My daughter cried a lot for no reason too when we moved house. Luckily either the walls are thick or the neighbours understand it's not possible to reason with a baby.

WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 14:20

she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby

really?

would you say same if a dog next door to you barked constantly through the night and you had to work next day

i doubt it

WomansWeekly · 27/09/2011 14:21

Intent is the keyword, mother and child are not disturbing the neighbour on purpose.

id say 99% of noisy neighbours dont do it on purpose, just inconsiderate thoughtlessness. Doesnt make it any easier to bear

frasersmummy · 27/09/2011 14:22

I dont think a note at 5am is the best ...

I think it makes the relationship akward and no-one really knows what to do next ... as proved by this thread

Surely dropping round with a concerned I hear your little one up several times a night is everything ok ??? makes it easier

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 14:23

But thats the point!!!

I isn't possible to reason with a baby but I would want to help a child that was consistently waking 6 times a night!!

Help the baby and problem solved

Hence people saying doctors and calpol