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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

1006 replies

Badtasteflump · 22/09/2011 13:43

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready Grin

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 23/09/2011 20:28

I was only thinking about you the other day Quattro and thinking I hadn't seen you much Smile.

As for depends what sort of person you are, I think it depends what choices are available too. If you are stuck with a low paid job the after school care may be too expensive, if you have a fabulous employer you may be flexible, you may afford childcare. Depends upon how many children you have and, again, how decent the childcare/flexible the career is.

Basically in order to even have true choice on the matter you have to either choose a fantastic profession or have very little desire to stay home with your baby.

CrackerFactory · 23/09/2011 20:29

and it still goes round in circles, have fun folks time to press the big x

Quattrocento · 23/09/2011 20:30

Aww, thank you TPP!

I agree with you about the choice issue. Very few women actually have much choice.

jellybeans · 23/09/2011 20:30

We've had this chat before but SM:

'housewife is wholly dependent upon partner wage.'

Partner also dependant on partner doing childcare. Often times this enables them to get ahead in their career. Sometimes SAHP are studying and are better qualified if they eventually do return to work.

If a dual income family NEED both wages to survive, they are just as trapped if they split as a SAHP suddenly not supported anymore. NEEDING both wages is not really a better place to be in. Some see the SAHP at a 'reserve' worker who can work if needed to replace one income which they have managed to live on. Of course if you are so well paid that you can be totally independant and cover everything if you split then that is great, but how many WOHM say they HAVE to work to pay the mortgage etc?

floosiemcwoosie · 23/09/2011 20:30

There is also a difference from saying that, your are happy not work, and that you are happy because you feel that making the decision not to work has made life better for everyone

ThePosieParker · 23/09/2011 20:31

Not all of us are at the mercy of money when it comes to decisions SM, some of us get to have an equal say without earning the same. I believe that's called a partnership.

wamster · 23/09/2011 20:31

When children are small and a person is sahm, the sahm can genuinely look the working parent in the eye and say: 'I work as hard at this as you do'.

So maybe then decisions are truly joint and people are equal partners, if, however, one partner works and the other does not and has no good reason not to do so coupled with much, much higher levels of leisure activity (how long does housework take a day? A few hours tops?) then I struggle to see how that is in any way shape or form a platform for joint decisions.

SpringHeeledJack · 23/09/2011 20:32

right, so my chap is going to come home and say we're all going to Abergavenny, and so we're all going to pack up and dutifully move

bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

as IF!

...and not actually getting paid is not the same as not contributing. I'm sure someone must've pointed that out upthread, but it prob needs repeating

Almostfifty · 23/09/2011 20:33

That's rubbish scottishmummy. We made a joint decision to move, we made a joint decision to stay put.

ThePosieParker · 23/09/2011 20:34

Had the misfortune to listen to a member of the Tory think tank "Women of" (I think) today spouting some nonsense about women want to much, do too much, have too much rubbish. At no point did anyone even mention men, NOONE. When it was talking about women can't expect to have a family and career, noone piped up and said that men do. Noone said that some childcare is done by men........

ouryve · 23/09/2011 20:35

And? Isn't that what families do? Families either move to where the work is, together, or, if the move isn't good for the children, AlmostFifty's arrangement might happen. All in all, with only one working, there's less to need to argue about (if you want to argue about it in the first place - I prefer to discuss these things like a grown up).

scottishmummy · 23/09/2011 20:36

ok mirth aside that is decisions people face. a job relocates,what do you do?
relocate and follow the job?
stay put, look for another maybe unemployed
pragmatically if only one person works,its likely you all have to follow the job,follow the financial security. and the housewife is dependant upon her partner to maintain and generate income.as she doesnt

floosiemcwoosie · 23/09/2011 20:36

The decision to give up work was a joint one. Like me, my DH doesnt want our DS going to aftercare, holiday clubs etc. We both enjoy the fact that i can attend all the school events and volunteer at his twice weekly active start sessions

wamster · 23/09/2011 20:38

A close friend of mine has a disabled son who can do little for himself. She is his full-time carer. Her husband works full-time.

She tells me that every decision they make is joint as a family and that her and her dh are equal partners. I believe her 100%.

They can both look the other in the eye and say: 'I do my share'.

THIS is an example of a person contributing without earning a salary.

A woman who stays at home all day while children are grown up and is not caring for anybody else or even contributing by doing voluntary work to help society, isn't really doing anything constructive.

Pagwatch · 23/09/2011 20:38

Giganticus

I think I responded to something you said that jumped out at me rather than 'picked you out'. The later suggests I have an issue with you personally which I am pretty sure I don't. I addressed comments to Abby for the same reason without her feeling picked on.
I tend to post like that - responding to points made rather than throwing generalised comments out there.

Fwiw.the point I have continued to try and make is that your comments are judging a group of people based on nothing really. You don't know anything about my life yet you feel comfortable dismissing it as intellectually unstimulating etc etc. I know nothing about your life so would never dream of making such a ridiculous judgement.

scottishmummy · 23/09/2011 20:40

interesting,yes because for us it was opposite.dh and i did want to work.actively planned it as both ft work.that's what pays for the asc,nursery and stuff.i wouldnt have been in relationship or kids without that understanding that id work,and kids nursery etc

mercibucket · 23/09/2011 20:41

I've always been quite frightened of ending up at home all day with no kids so no excuse but to clean the house, do the cooking to a reasonable standard and make sure the shopping is done. I hate all those tasks and get to hide my ineptitude by claiming to be too busy working to do them properly. I genuinely fear being alone in the house with no company for more than an hour or so as well.
my mum is the opposite of me, has always been sahm, loves doing 'house' stuff (top to bottom not just cleaning, practically re-wiring, re-tiling etc) and gardening and walking the dog. she's also not sociable and quite happy with her own company for hours at a time. my idea of hell on earth
we must be quite different personality types. I don't wonder what sahm do all day once the kids are at school cos I can see how the time gets filled but I often wonder if I could ever stand it for more than a few weeks. i really don't think I could. I felt positively depressed this week when I had a whole day to fill for the first time Sad
sorry, that's not really answering the op is it, just realised [slinks off]

floosiemcwoosie · 23/09/2011 20:45

As i said before if someone had told me years ago that i would have made this decision, i would have thought they were mad.

I had Ds and totally fell for him. My job didnt't allow much flexibility and i couldnt live with the guilt.

My priorities and what makes me happy have totally changed and no one is more surprised about that than me

SoupDragon · 23/09/2011 20:49

You may have been a leech, Wamster, I am not.

What is inappropriate about asking what business is it of yours how others choose to conduct their lives? Whether or not a mother stays at home or not really doesn't have nothing to do with anyone other than the mother and her partner. They have made a joint decision based on what works for their family. Just the same as a mother who works, just the same as a father who stays at home.

Do I care if people like you look down at me? Not really because I am secure in my decision, so secure that I don't feel the need to judge those who chose differently. It is rather pathetic to try and come over all superior because you have a paid job.

MediumPretty · 23/09/2011 20:50

SM - you have a very cynical view of relationships - are you very unhappy in yours?

Pissfarterleech · 23/09/2011 20:51

mercibucket

I understand. I feel like that about going to work.

I actually sometimes have nightmares where I have a job. I feel physically sick.
I know I would simply go mad being a waged employee all day. My idea of hell on earth.

But I guess that's just me, I'm sure other women find it fulfilling and constructive . Smile

scottishmummy · 23/09/2011 20:52

you extrapolated that from this.barking up wrong tree

wamster · 23/09/2011 20:53

SoupDragon, This is AIBU section of mumsnet. A poster makes an opening post asking if they are being unreasonable or not. People reply saying 'yabu' or 'yanbu'.

It invites opinions, that is what it is there for.

And, no, I don't feel superior at all. I am just genuinely baffled as to how any woman could actually be happy with effectively doing sweet F.A. everyday other than a bit of housework.

ouryve · 23/09/2011 20:54

mercibucket - I think you're answering the question rather well in a way, since you can appreciate that people have different personality types. I'm like your mum: a bit of a loner and rarely not busy (OK, now is a huge exception - I'm having an evening hugging the laptop and feeling under the weather. Too tired to knit and I just want quiet)

wamster · 23/09/2011 20:54

All this childish cr*p about 'judging' others Hmm this is AIBU for goodness sake!

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