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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

1006 replies

Badtasteflump · 22/09/2011 13:43

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready Grin

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

OP posts:
Pinot · 23/09/2011 19:06
CrackerFactory · 23/09/2011 19:06

So this has just turned into another slanging off thread between women as I suggested this thread was earlier on and was blasted for. But reading on asides from a few lovely women, most of you are just being really nasty to each other. Why? Why do people have to slag off other people's lives. Are their lives impacting on you? Have they caused you harm? Why do you feel the need to make them feel bad about themselves? I believe the vast majority of people do the best they can.

I would suggest that the real self indulgent people are are those so self satisfied that they have to lay into othe people. Now there is a fine example to set our dds.

SarahStratton · 23/09/2011 19:09

Shamefully, I didn't even roast the tomatoes myself. DD1 did that last night. In my defence I was actually making dinner at the time.

I may take up smoking. To while away the time in between coffee, MNing, and pissfarting.

Alouiseg · 23/09/2011 19:10

SarahStratton I salute you - please be my friend :o

PrincessTamTam · 23/09/2011 19:15

I think the thing that riles is the judgey language used like "pissfart around" and "like some leech". Its obviously going to wind people up and that's clearly the intention so why so surprised when it works? Weird to want to though.

knottyhair · 23/09/2011 19:19

Absolutely right PrincessTamTam. Why be deliberately provocative? Unless of course work does not provide as much fulfillment as some posters on here like to stress it does, and therefore they need to get their thrills elsewhere? Surely if you're happy & contented, you don't need to slag off other people's choices. Just a thought.

MordechaiVanunu · 23/09/2011 19:20

I have often wondered what SAHM mothers do all day too OP.

It's not exactly that I'm lacking the imagination to realise that if they are the lucky ones with cleaners and gardeners (although most I know don't) they may walk the dog, or meet a friend or read a book, it's that that to me it's the lack of structure or purpose every day that I struggle to imagine.

Some parts of me think this must be wonderful, but then I think it would be wonderful for a few weeks, before I started thinking 'ok now what with my life?'

I think the same thing about retired people. I'm not sure being able to just please myself everyday would actually please me. It would seem aimless.

If I won the lottery maybe I'd give it a go, and maybe I'm wrong maybe I'd love it, but I think I would soon be planning my next project to work on.

Also even if my DH earned massive wads if money I would hate to feel in a position of being totally financially reliant on a man. I now work PT so earn only a proportion of what he does and this makes me uncomfortable to some degree as my potential independence should I need it has been eroded.

Also even if he were Rockerfeller (as my mother would say) I would want my children to see a role model of a woman earning money, a woman who can be independent even if she's chosen to be in this partnership, a woman who is as highly educated as the male adult in the house and using this education, just like men do.

Just working PT I think has eroded this to some degree but it's the compromise I've made to be with the children which I also want.

For me being a SAHM would bring this into sharp focus and I wouldn't want to be that woman.

This is just how I feel, and I'ved compromised, so maybe I'm the only person on this thread not estatic about my lifeGrin.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 23/09/2011 19:20

Is a pissfart something that happens when your pelvic floor has seen better days? I think I do them quite often.

I've run some errands today. Painted the DSs bedroom and some of the spare room (house leeched off DH of course.) Taken DS2 to physio.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/09/2011 19:21

I only go to work 'cos I have to.

If I could afford to spend the day going to the gym, painting, baking, walking the dog, reading watching jeremy kyle I sure would.

SarahStratton · 23/09/2011 19:23

Alouiseg of course - Wine ?

HopeForTheBest · 23/09/2011 19:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

knottyhair · 23/09/2011 19:25

MordechaiVanunu, nice to see a more thought-through post, that comments on your own experience and doesn't have a go at anyone else. However, I don't find I have a "lack of structure or purpose". I'm constantly busy, cooking, growing fruit & veg, a bit of housework as it's needed (but no more than I did when I did work TBH!), doing a food shop which I do at least a couple of times a week because I walk there & back with my old lady shopping trolley so we don't have to waste time at the weekend doing it. I work out every morning after the school run, just half an hour (I know I'm lucky to have the time to do this). The days do have their own structure, and I don't feel a lack of purpose at all. To be honest, 9.30 to 3pm flies by.

Alouiseg · 23/09/2011 19:26

Leech I love that! I may change my name to Aleech :o

Do you know, I never actually have nothing to do! Possibly because I'm disorganised and possibly because I have had dh "pissfarting" at home for the last two years.

Tortington · 23/09/2011 19:27

but even if you are a sahm sipping martinis all day on your dh's dime

WHO GIVES A SHIT

?

i seriously dont understand why you care

CrackerFactory · 23/09/2011 19:27

Yes going out to work would mean we could BUY more things and go more places but not a lot more after childcare costs. I would rather be with my kids than accumulate possessions. And before anyone starts I do understand that two salaries are vital for some families and this is purely my position

CrackerFactory · 23/09/2011 19:28

quite agree custardo, many of us have said that but noone has answered as to why they care.

Alouiseg · 23/09/2011 19:29

SarahStratton I'm ahead of you in the Wine cellar. Shall we have another Wine

CrackerFactory · 23/09/2011 19:31

Oh and surely to some degree it matters what one does for a living. We do not know what some of those self congratulatory workers do. It may be something which I consider valueless to society or even detrimental such as PR for a tobacco firm as an extreme example. We are none of us perfect!

SarahStratton · 23/09/2011 19:31

We shall Grin

Pull a dustbin up Alouise. Just incase the satellite lands.

BeerTricksPotter · 23/09/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floosiemcwoosie · 23/09/2011 19:33

I had a very stressful career for a long time before i had DS. I am educated to masters level. My career was very important to me....until DS came along.

I did got back to work part time for the first couple of years. But you know what....i wasnt happy. I felt unable to give 100% to everything, especially my DS

On my 40th last year i decided to become a SAHM. Yes there have been times over the last year when i have felt a pang at what i have given up. But i can honestly say that I am happier than i have ever been. I am more relaxed and I am really taking time to enjoy things in life, especially my family.

If someone had told me 10 yrs ago that i would be a SAHM I would have laughed. It has surprised me that this has made me so happy.

And thats what life is about, finding out what works for you and your family and i
am very grateful that I am fortunate enough to have choices.

Alouiseg · 23/09/2011 19:34
ByTheWay · 23/09/2011 19:36

I was a SAHM , now work very part time as a dinner lady so kind of still consider myself to be one..... I do the housework, childcare, garden, petcare, general maintenance, holiday booking, financial management etc, plus parent helping at school 2 afternoons a week, care for the oldie-in-laws 3 mornings a week and do the shopping for my 93 year old neighbour whose kids work full time and can't be bothered to visit any more 'cos they have young grandkids.

But on a Friday afternoon between work finishing at 1.30 and school pick up at 3.10 - I sit and do nothing at all, but listen to the water flowing into our tiny pond and eat a cream cake and have a glass of wine. That is MY time and I would have to give it up if I went back to work "properly" .

Life is good.

floosiemcwoosie · 23/09/2011 19:38

oh and can someone please tell me where you buy a shagginggardener

no offence to Pagwatch and Klad, but i don't like to share

wamster · 23/09/2011 19:47

To be honest, all this stuff about 'why do you care' is irritating. This is AIBU? People give their opinions about things. This is what this topic is about.

It is not about 'having a go' about anybody. It is just genuinely baffling to some people to believe that there are women who are happy to do effectively nothing all day (because their dc's are at school -being a sahm when kids are pre-school is working, as is being a carer).
I mean actually happy about not doing anything constructive all day. As opposed to what would be considered natural to feel: guilt, anxiety, desperation.

It's just hard to see how anybody can appreciate leisure time if their entire life -apart from doing a bit of housework is effectively leisure.

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