To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

[Badtasteflump]

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

I want house 3, but I can't find a price?

house 1 is nice too tho

I know Kewcumber I intend to enjoy my boys while I have them and they want me.

Feel very blessed to be in a position where that is possible.

Blimey kladdkaka. They look great. What are the schools like? International ones nearby?

I want house 3, but I can't find a price?

It's at the top 'pris 490 000 kr', which is currently about £45,000.

oh.my.god.

I love house 1.

I like #3 too :)

Oddly enough, this has ended up being a really interesting thread....I do believe the OP when she said she asked the question in a spirit of genuine curiosity, and it has been refreshing to read some honest and open responses from the SAHMs.

More oddly (see my post waaaay below), DH brought this up as a discussion subject last night. Its been very clear that I'm finding my return to WOHM status after dc3 much harder than previously, and that I'm no longer really enjoying my job. I am looking for a new one, and I have always really enjoyed my work until now, but reading the thread yesterday helped me to accept to myself, and be honest to dh, that my heart is no longer really in it.

Where do I want to be? At home, running things here and making sure my 3 dcs are getting sufficient time and attention.

What would I do once dc3 starts school? (admittedly a few years off) Well, funny you should ask that, but here's a whole bunch of things I'd like to do with my time....

Thank you, all of you, but especially Pag, Hully, Hassled, Bonsoir and Jilly, for your posts....

We've agreed I'm going to carry on wohm for now, as we are in a massive state of flux at the moment on all fronts, so it provides some 'cover', but we're going to review in about 6-12 months

I'm sorry, I haven't had time (or the inclination, being honest!) to read the whole thread but...I didn't work for nine years after having my first child. Now I work 18 hrs a week and I really need that. I felt I was spiralling into depression staying at home. This is purely personal and I'm certainly not making generalisations but this is as it was for me.

Blimey kladdkaka. They look great. What are the schools like? International ones nearby?

The schools are very different. Aren't the UK trying now to bring in the Swedish model of free schools? Our experience is that they are much more laid back, not so results driven, more going with flow and more focused on developing happy, well balanced children than grades. Saying that, I'm very happy with my daughter's grades. She is very happy that for the first time she feels fully included and accepted for how she is (aspergers) by her classmates.

As for international school, they are not completely on the doorstep for us. My daughter went to a national school an hour away where maths, history and science were taught in English and art, pe etc in Swedish. She is now at the next 6th form school over from ours where she is doing the international baccalaureate in English. Full on international schools are available 1.5 hours away.

There is another English couple I know here just decided to sell up their English home and relocate, mortgage free, here. Their son is in the local Swedish primary and loves it. He was fluent in Swedish within a year.

Just wanted to add, my daughter hates PE but can you imagine being at school and your PE lesson being ice-skating on the frozen lake in the forest near your school? That's a reality in Sweden.

Thanks K. I love living in the centre of cities, we are in a lovely tree-lined Georgian-type street in London and it's great. But I also love the look of those houses. I'll show dh, see what he thinks .

OP here are some of the things I would do if I was a SAHM with kids at school.

Have a clean house.
Learn a language.
Understand how world financial markets work.
Have tennis lessons.
Always look good, arrive places in plenty of time in a relaxed fashion.
Hoover the car.
Train to run a marathon.
Study the history of the Israel/Palestine conflict.

So it only took me a few minutes to think of these. Use your imagination. Of course, they rely on having money. I (personally) wouldn't find any joy in being a skint SAHM, but each to their own.

hth.

As a SAHM I chanced upon this thread whilst on my mobile as the kettle boiled earlier and I've taken time to come back and turn the laptop on and post a reply as it's been on my mind since I read the OP.

I'm saddened by the assumption that if you don't work, you must be bored or boring. We work to live, not live to work.

I remember Gordon Brown a couple of years ago saying it was his personal mission to ensure everyone who was capable of working would be working and I remember feeling very frustrated as the culture in this country is to work first and gather as much money together as possible and think about enjoying this life we have second.

Don't get me wrong, we should work to keep ourselves in reasonable finance and certainly not rely on others to work for us. But in a family what's wrong with a little division of labour and specialisation in our chosen areas? My DH loves his work and I love my life as SAHM and we are both damn good at what we do. We are lucky that we have the opportunity to choose this lifestyle as it is a blessing.

Looking after the children, the home, our health and our family life is a 'proper job'. And I do have a salary- it is exactly half of what DH earns. As for being a house slave- certainly not. I have the energy and inclination to encourage the DC's to learn to be self sufficient as much as they are able to at their ages. I don't do anything myself because it would be quicker- my job is to teach them how to look after themselves, not be the house slave. I look after my DH and he looks after me (in some ways you could say he is the 'slave' as he works every day to earn money for the benefit of the family)

I think OP you need to look at your own self-esteem and realise you are who you are not because of your job and how you earn money but through your characteristics. Are you generous, warm-hearted, attentive to others, open to new things etc etc. These are the things that others judge us on, not what we 'do' all day.

I still have a preschooler at home apart from 3 mornings a week but I have a lovely life. We all do. It's one that DH and I chose together as we both think that if it's financially possible, then one parent should be around for the children and that includes taking to and from school and being available for illness etc.

When DD starts school, I don't intend to rush out and look for work. I do think there is a difference between being a SAHM when you have the financial means to do so and having no other choice.

For me, I feel that I achieved a lot in my life in my own right before I had children - big job, own property etc. So I don't feel that I've given anything up.

OP you say that you do cooking, DIY etc in the evenings and weekends. Our evenings and weekends are largely free of those chores as I do as much as I can during the day. The only thing I might do in the evening is some ironing.

My DH would not have been able to have built up a successful business if I had been working too. He's been able to dedicate himself to it.

When DD is at school I intend to do a lot to the house, more gardening, meet up with friends, go to the gym, do lots of crafts and sewing, voluntary work, watch stuff that's been sky+d. Those are just a few things. I would have no trouble whatsoever filling my time.

There seems to be a lot of jealousy on this thread from some working women trying to denigrate SAHMs. To those posters, I say that those kind of comments speaks volumes about you.

I might also research moving to Sweden what with the reasonable house prices and my near-fluency since watching Wallander.

Another thought - I have two friends who are both in hospital with leukaemia, one of whom we may lose and her two daughters will be left without a Mum. Their memories will be of their Mum being there for them, at home, having time to play, not stressed out from work.

I want my life to be enjoyable because none of us knows how long it will be. I don't want 'she marked too many exercise books' on my tombstone.

Sad though that is for your friends I am
Not sure the staying at home as they have happy memories works. 1. Nothing will make up for loss of a parent 2. That is insulting to working parents (teachers or otherwise ) that they cant be part of a happy childhood.

Oh and yabu- there are many reasons to br sahm to school age kids so each to their own.

From my experience, and people I know ONLY, being a happy, contented and fulfilled SAHM depends on financial stability. I understand of course wanting to be around for DC's (although I do always feel a bit at people who say, ooh I'm desperate to work but there's just NOTHING that is 10-2 term time only, with inset days off round here...)

THe financial stability thing is key IMO because once all your children have left, what do you do with the rest of your life?! If you have enough money, you can continue enjoying hobbies, going to the gym, volunteering, etc. What if you don't?

There's something I really hate about these threads, which is the assumption that WOHM are envious of those that get to stay at home and do fuck all of any worth

I like working. I like earning my own money, and feeling like I contribute to the household financially. I like showing my children that you can be a good mum and work outside, and that you can be ambitious for more than 'marrying well'. I like teaching them that everyone has to pitch in and help run the house, and that money is hard to come by.

I'm not jealous of you SAHMs in any way. I can't imagine anything worse than having to fill my days baking and sewing, and lunching with my friends. I like feeling proud. Ok?

Jillysnooper - why do you assume all of us who work are in dead end jobs? I am a legal counsel with a resources company working on constructing a new mine. My work is challenging, interesting, fulfilling and pays well. I love it. I don't give a rats arse how you fill your day, in fact I wouldn't occasionally mind having a few moments to myself but I never do, but why do you have to sneer at us who work as if we are total idiots working in boring jobs. Maybe if you did work you would understand the satisfaction people get out of having a career, working in a great organization and learning along the way.

using diagnosis murder school of psychiatry some of you can guess that much about my motives and psyche?gosh imagine what you?d be able to do with yourselves if you properly worked and applied yourselves

I have two DCs at secondary school and am not in paid employment, although I was until they were 6 and 8. I stopped because both DH and I were working 50 - 60 hour weeks, so we were, in effect, outsourcing the kids. No matter how I tried, I couldn't and still can't think of it in any other way, at least with those sort of hours. Part-time would be ideal, the best of both worlds, but I would have to trade down 10 years in career terms - and why would I do that just to be able to say 'I work'?! Flexible childcare for secondary school age kids is v difficult to find and I just couldn't do the latchkey kid thing. DH still works 60 hours/wk, travels etc. With nearest family 3 hours away it came down to my job or his, and the usual economics involved. And although I can't complain - we can afford for me to SAH - I can't pretend that the loss of my income, which decreased the household budget by c. 40%, hasn't been felt.

I do work, though: 2 very busy volunteer roles which can sometimes feel like full-time jobs - one of which involves recruiting and supporting a local team of about 70 volunteers each year. Then there's the usual after-school and holiday stuff (no private schools for us, they're home at 3.45!), and I'm studying for a degree (my third, a PhD). I do the volunteer jobs (a) because I need to connect with people outside the home and (b) because they are entirely flexible.

I only ever feel bad about all this when asked by WOHM, most of whom are utterly patronising to me if, in response to the 'what do you do?' question, I say I don't work. Perhaps I'm saying it wrong.

Those of you who work full-time - Do you not find having to do the housework/shopping/homework/diy/paperwork in the evenings and weekends not eat into your precious time together as a family?

I just don't get the logistics of 2 40/50 hour a week jobs, two commutes, kids, home to run and 100 waking hours in a week (or thereabouts - haven't done the maths).

My toxic sil who has 3 kids under 6 and who works f/t is always asking me why I don't work, given that all mine are at school.

I don't say 'because your life looks like hell' though I think it. She has to check her diary before she breaks wind.

What sort of life is that?

Mind - I could probably do it if I had a permanent supply of cocaine. But who wants to live life on fast forward?