To wonder why anyone with school-aged children would want to be a SAHM?

[Badtasteflump]

And what they do all day?

I have my flame-proof hard-hat ready

In the spirit of the general shit-stirring on here today I though I would ask this - as I do really wonder. Fair enough when you have pre-school aged children, I can understand wanting to be a SAHM. But once your children are at school full-time, what is there to do all day?

I work PT (school hours, basically). I manage (jointly with DH) to get all the housework, cooking, diy, etc) done in the evenings & weekends, no problem. If I were at home all day I really think I would go a bit mad - either that or I fear I would gradually become relegated to the role of house-slave, doing all the housework and childcare myself because I wouldn't have the excuse of a 'proper' job. . .

Everyone is doing the best thing for themselves and their family. Thats it really.
Hate to think that there are folk out there judging others without the Derren Brown ability to see into anothers mind to see thier wants thier needs thier dreams. Or the computer hacking ability to see into anothers bank balance, or medical notes.
It shouldnt be anyones mission to try and define another person. Eyes on your own lives folks!

If I could, I would stop work tomorrow - and I only work 26 hours per week now. I have a horse so I am out of the house at 06:30 three mornings a week. I don't get tme to ride her during the week. Time to do house work, errands, gardening, actually cook something nice, that doesn;t need to be on the table in double quick time after school seems like a "massive" luxury to me. I work almost all the time the kids are at school. So as soon as I get out of 'work' I drove like a bat out of hell to school and am on duty again immediately as 'Mum'. Homework seems to take hours at the moment with a reluctant DS1. Time in the evenings is spent cooking, breaking up fights, supervising DSs homework, breaking up more fights, putting kids to bed and then flopping on the couch exhausted and usually falling asleep .

Weekends are always full on with DH and kids, early Sat morning ride and then often visiting elderly MIL miles away, so only manage to do the barest minimum of housework stuff. My house is therefore a tip and the garden is a messy jungle. What would I do all day? (Assuming I had the money to do it??) I would make my home clean and lovely. ( This might take up the first year!!) I would do the gardening, I would clean the hamster and chickens out more often, I would make lovely meals for everyone. I would re-decorate the house, I would have time to do some EXERCISE so I wasn;t such a blob. I would have time to do my hair and make up, instead of rushing out with wet hair and no make up. ...and maybe occasionally go to the shops for something other than food, and therefore the kids and I would have some nice clothes. and I would ride my horse every day.. Even without the horse I would still be very busy .

My God - wouldn't that be nice?

I am guessing OP might be a bloke!!

I absolutely don't agree with the idea that a person will lose the ability to think and be interesting if a sahm with school age children. Freedom is great. Loads of things to do.

But work can also be highly interesting, stimulating and enjoyable. There's no point in saying oh but one must be dull to work, that's just the same in reverse. And also not true.

Depends on so many factors. In any case I bet everyone's decision to do one or the other is mostly due to circumstance.

I have only dipped in and out of the thread as I am assuming that at 26 pages long, 20 pages are bunfight and the other 5 are to do with shagging Pag's gardener.

I genuinely don't understand why people get so riled about this issue. As long as someone's choices aren't actually impacting on you why do you care? If someone is happy with their choices and those affected by those choices are happy too, then more power to them. I have to assume that those people who snipe and pick at other people's lives are doing so because they are jealous of some aspect of it, or conscious of a lack in their own lives, or because they simply aren't nice people - probably the same people who picked on others at school for not having the right look or the in clothes.

In a way I would love to be a SAHM of school-age children. It is conceivable that we could afford for me to do so at some point if DP's career stays on its current track. There are a million and one things that I currently squeeze into odd moments that I would love to devote more time to. I have to admit to a bit of a sneery feeling when people put hair and nail appointments in as regular parts of their lives - and then I feel bad about it as just because it is not something I am interested in doesn't make it unworthy of someone else's time - and no doubt those same people would turn their noses up at some of the stuff I like to spend time on!

However, I don't see myself being a SAHM for any length of time - I get very, very antsy when I feel that I am dependent on DP (as I was when I was on maternity leave), or that I am having a lifestyle that he would love to have if I was the high earner rather than him. He doesn't have a problem with it at all but I find that I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to come up with money-making ideas rather than enjoying the time. I think that probably has a lot to do with the way my father used money to control my low-earning mother.

I think it would involve a change of mindset to adjust to the SAHM life. Not a down-grading of expectations or anything like that - just a change to a different way of looking at things, and probably a bit of work to recognise the value of what I would be doing in terms of running the home full-time.

What has been refreshing on this thread is that people have described being happy and feeling lucky to have the time and money to do the things they enjoy. There seems to be a real feeling on a lot of these threads that SAHMs have to justify their existence by saying that every day is an unrelenting treadmill of drudgery and that they don't have a single moment to themselves. That inevitably leads to others who have small children at home, or who work full-time thinking "well I have it harder than you so what are you whinging about?" - the next thing you know there is a bunfight. It would be nice if those who do enjoy a good lifestyle were always able to say so without being judged as a freeloader by those with no experience of any other way of doing things.

I meant to say - this is what I would fill my time with if I was in this position and money wasn't an object"

Re-start music lessons
Write more - perhaps join a writing group or take an MA in Creative Writing
Horse riding
Do up the bits of the house I am not happy with
Keep the house in a decent state
Gardening
Write up all the family history I have done over the last few years
Quilting and upholstery
Cooking from scratch
Re-start kung fu and ice skating

I think that lot would fill the days nicely!

The trouble is that work expands to fill the time.

When I was at work I would dream of Autumn days off to walk in suitably Autumnal-coloured outfit through drifts of leaves... but in actual fact my bottom just expands whilst I spend too much time on MN and glare at the ever-deepening pile of leaves in the drive, the mountain of ironing, last-night's washing up etc etc.

"How do you recognise a SAHM just from walking behind her?"

larger arses from sitting around on them so much.

I've got four kids. I have just had a taste of this, as I have been on long-term sick leave. Nesting has been fairly prominent. I have redecorated and/or repaired various bits of the house that were a mess, I've reorganised the kids' rooms so they work properly for the first time, I do more outings and art and so on with the kids, I've upped my game on the cooking and budgeting somewhat, I've been doing some voluntary work, I've been helping my neighbours with little things, I have improved quite a few things in the garden, including assembling a good part of a climbing frame (albeit with blokes doing the hefting). I'm watching the Heimat series, I read a novel or biography each week, I have coffee with someone or other once a week, I do the ironing instead of sending it out, I have repaired various household gadgets, and I've been posting a bit more often on my austerity blog. Because I am still technically ill, I can justify a nap most days and I am somewhat less exhausted than in my previous work-based incarnation (although still some way to go). However I am still behind with the filing and account and I have not had time to go swimming very much, which I would like to do more often. Now I am over the worst, illness wise, I am starting to enjoy the autumn and the kids a lot more and I am very grateful for having this little space in my life to reboot. However I think if I had fewer kids I wouldn't have enough to do if I am honest.

I thought it was the absence of a halo, Kewcumber.

Boffin - what will you do when you retire. Or are you planning to work until you drop. EBcause in my experience if you don;t have enough to do you either lounge around watching Judge Judy (perfectly fine option in my book) or find something to do. Committee of PTA, volunteer at school, start cooking again, local voluntary work, learn to play bridge, learn to ride a bike, go to the gym, go to a class.

All things both my mother and I have done since retiring/SAHM'ing.

The problme you have is that you're only doing it short term, it takes a while whatever your change in life to adjust to it and sort it to your liking.

treasurer of PTA and volunteer at school so I have a halo. I am helping other peoples children to learn to read as they have been too finanancially competent to take any time off in the school years.

I'm mother teresa, me.

finanancially incompetent

Maybe the OP would like to explain how I could have fitted my 9-5 48 week a year City job into with the 8.45-3.10 39 weeks a year school. I would LOVE to have carried on working but not possible I am afraid. I worked very hard when DS was pre-school age because he went to nursery 4 days a week. But once he was at school it was impossible. No wrap around care at school and after school club in next town finished too early for me to get to. Very few childminders in the area and the only one I found did not do school holidays - only before/after school time.

How many of you happy SAHMs were involved in the thread about "Do you ever let your kids stay home when they aren't ill?" Quite a few people are pointing out that work isn't necessarily inherently superior to being at home; work is neither more intrinsically valuable, nor more intellectually stimulating. Precisely my thoughts about school.
Maybe I shouldn't bring up a different subject, but I thought it was an interesting comparison.

I agree snail

it all depends on world view

When I gave up work to move abroad I was worried about the financial implications, but actually, it's saved us money. My mileage has dropped by 9000 miles pa, so saving on fuel and car servicing. I don't need work clothes (was a teacher) so now live in jeans. I'm not spending on ready meals as I was too shagged out to cook in the evenings, so I cook from scratch each day. I get my hair cut and coloured when I begin to look shaggy, not every six weeks. I don't have to pay professional subs, buy text books, resource my classes etc. I have time to shop carefully for food, as opposed to flinging the nearest things into the trolley, so my shopping bill has dropped.

We have also cut costs because we are no longer having to run our house in UK, and dh's accommodation abroad, as we have let our house out. We save on Eurostar and ferry fares as we are together and he is not commuting from Brussels to Cornwall.

Ds had a week off school with a virus and dodgy tonsils last academic year. That would not have been doable with dh abroad and me as a secondary school teacher with no family about.

I am lucky to have this time, and when we go back to UK, I will doubtless try to find a job again. That said, my stress levels are less not working, I am not tired and irritable as I used to be and am far more pleasant to be around.

I also don't think that one can argue that SAHMs are not economically active, as paying tax isn't the be all and end of, of that. They spend money, so they are supporting the economy, be it the nail salon, the hairdressers, the bus companies, the supermarkets; their spending supports jobs.

I am not on that thread. DS1 wouldn't want to stay home from school if he wasn't ill, he is one of those kids who seems to adore school.

I guess much like DH adores his job. He is a nerd, he gets paid obscene amounts of money to do something he would do anyway.

DS1 has had one day off this year, it was the first week back and we had a run of 42+ degree days. We had just moved home from London and he crashed on the 4th day, so he had a day at home in the air conditioning drinking lots of water, he was bouncing off the walls again by the next day.

YABU I have another toddler now but before then I was a SAHM to school age. I had very little time, was so busy. I am studying with OU, DH has days off in the week rather than weekend so we do DIY etc too, see family/friends, help at school etc, housework (yawn!). The great thing about SAH to school age kids for me is; never worrying when they are off sick (I was a f/t WOHM with DD1 so know all about it!), never missing a play/sports day, being able to help in school when needed, always being able to drop off/pick up, being able to have their friends round, having time to do all the crap in the day and be full of energy at 3pm to spend time with kids, time to chill out, shop when it is quieter in the week and loads more.

didn;t see that thread. DS goes to school everyday because he likes it - why would I stop him?

I have worked - some jobs I loved and worked very long hours by choice and some I hated and truly nearly lost the will to live. Being at home is kinda in between for me but very very low stress compared to what I would be expected to take on at work. Its nice.

Economically inactive?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha :o

I like going to all the school stuff.

Actually that isn't quite correct. I find a lot of it quite dull. But the grin that splits DS1's face when I turn up makes up for a lot of it.

My parents were not able to come to any school stuff and I really missed that, so it was something I was keen to do with my kids.

Ladies, why don't you all relocate here. We could all meet up for coffee and kladdkaka (sticky chocolate brownie cake). House prices are such that anyone can be a SAHM if they wish. I pulled up some random houses currently for sale in this area, all of which would leave you with change from £50k.

House 1
House 2
House 3 (my favourite)

Disclaimer: you will have to find your own gardeners, mine aren't for sharing.

"But the grin that splits DS1's face when I turn up makes up for a lot of it"

AGree morloth. I could have made the identical post and its why I'm looking for a part-time job so I can continue to o it. I won;t have him here for long I plan to make the most of it to the best of my ability.

I can bring my old dude.

He is very brusque though and you end up making him a cup of tea and looking for biscuits.

The house he lives in costs considerably more than mine BTW, so I am not taking advantage of anyone. He does pretty much the whole street, so it all kinda matches. Slightly creepy, but for $45 a week I ain't arguing.