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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish DS who is only 4.5?

176 replies

andypandydulterdandy · 20/09/2011 09:56

Ds has just started primary school, he loves it and is getting on well. He really is a lovely well behaved boy and I rarely have to tell him off, he is kind and affectionate and gets on well with his teachers and his peers.
The problem is, every day when I pick him up from school he has this small plastic toy (like a toy solider), worth nothing really, but he keeps asking can he bring it home, I have told him, "no because that does not belong to you, it belongs to the school"
Yesterday when I checked his lunch box I found the toy inside, I called him and asked him how he got there to which he replied " I don?t know, it must have got in by itself". Eventually he admitted to putting it in his lunch box because he wanted it. I explained that was stealing, which he knew full well that it was, and I told him I was also cross at him for lying to me.
He went to bed with no story last night and I took one of his Ben Ten figures off him and he won?t get it back for a week. Is this too severe? He is really sorry and we took the toy back to school today and he keeps on saying he is will be a good boy and never do it again.

Am I not giving enough, or too much punishment? I really want him to understand that stealing, no matter how small the object and lying are very wrong.

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 22/09/2011 12:52

That's a toy car by the way, not his key carer's Galaxy Wink

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2011 12:56

This reply has been deleted

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spiderpig8 · 22/09/2011 13:07

if you google -children delayed gratification you will find oodles of research showing that children who exhibit self control at 3 or 4 are the most successful in later life.It is the single mot important determinant.

chillikate · 22/09/2011 13:08

I was simply suggesting that getting HIm to hand it back to the teacher and apologise would have more affect than a parent handing it back and reinforcing that wrong was done.

MadameDefarge · 22/09/2011 13:09

The most important predictor of success is actually the mother's educational level.

chillikate · 22/09/2011 13:16

LOL @ MadameDefarge

spiderpig8 · 22/09/2011 13:16

How are you defining success, Madame? Purely educationally?

MadameDefarge · 22/09/2011 13:21

look, spider, whip the little sods if you think it will speed up their intellectual development. It won't, they learn ideas, which they don't always understand emotionally. So while they know stealing is wrong, they don't equate stealing with the overwhelming urge to possess a desirable object. They learn when we tell them, often over and over again. Gently. Firmly. And one day the two ideas merge.

ChristinedePizan · 22/09/2011 13:50

I don't think the marshmallow experiment and taking a domino home from nursery are in any way connected but do please enlighten me.

NestaFiesta · 22/09/2011 13:53

"Sorry officer, we did have a chat about how stealing was wrong but I never punished him as I was waiting for the two ideas to merge in his head"

My now 5yo son knew stealing was wrong since he was about 3. How do you think we ever made it around toy shops or supermarkets without him just taking what he liked the look of?

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2011 13:56

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Message withdrawn

MadameDefarge · 22/09/2011 13:59

who said anything about not punishing?

Yes yes, they all know stealing is wrong. They don't always understand that what they do is stealing.

child development and all that.

And maybe your 3 year old just didn't fancy the tat on offer at the supermarket or shops. Who knows? he was only 3.

MadameDefarge · 22/09/2011 14:00

and are you suggesting you would involve the police for a small child stealing? Woo! pretty hardcore.

NestaFiesta · 22/09/2011 14:16

Madame- you have got me totally wrong. I am not suggesting that anyone involve police, I was simply inserting a hypothetical scene where a mother has waited for intellectual and moral ideas to merge in her son's head.

Also- the cheek of you saying my 3 yo didn't fancy the tat in store. He wanted stuff yes, but he knew he couldn't help himself because it belonged to the shop. He is 5 now and fully understands about personal property and stealing. It wasn't hard.

Besides nobody ever got rich by underestimating the taste of a 3 yo.

mumsamilitant · 22/09/2011 14:20

I used to let my little one pull the toys off the kiddies magazines that were conveniently left near the counter at the exit of Sainsbury so ner!

NestaFiesta · 22/09/2011 14:51

Mumsamilitant- my 21 month old stole a bottle of shampoo last week. Naturally he is still on remand.

spiderpig8 · 22/09/2011 15:00

'I don't think the marshmallow experiment and taking a domino home from nursery are in any way connected but do please enlighten me.'

self control

mumsamilitant · 22/09/2011 15:06

Mine's top of the list for the Governments summer camp! Grin

Seriously though, I remember years ago when a ex-friend of mine's DS stole a swiss roll from a shop (he was probably about 4). She put it on top of the fridge and let him watch it whilst it rotted. It has always stuck in my memory. The lad now is 28 with terrible social problems.

I would be inclined to take the little one back to the shop and ask him to hand back the toy and apologise, end of. Repeat if necessary. I'm not really one for punishment after punishment. I'm one of the praise the good brigade.

NestaFiesta · 22/09/2011 15:14

mumsmilitant- which toy and theft do you mean?

mumsamilitant · 22/09/2011 15:18

Obviously not my DS's as I never told him it was stealing Wink

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 22/09/2011 17:21

For a 4.5 year old who really wants a toy, not being allowed to keep it is punishment in itself

AnxiousElephant · 22/09/2011 23:19

The evidence came from ' Child of our time' which was research carried out by professor Robert Winston in a long term study into child development. The test showed children being sat with something nice to eat in front of them (a sweet I think) and then was told that if they saved the sweet until the researcher came back they could have more. The children who exhibited self control for 10 minutes did better educationally than those with little control.

NestaFiesta · 22/09/2011 23:28

Good post Anxious. It's always a good idea to teach kids they can't have everything they want or that they have to "earn" something. 4.5 is plenty old enough to learn this.

AnxiousElephant · 22/09/2011 23:48

I think it is Smile. I agree with whoever said 'How long do you leave it?' Sooner is better than later.
A girl in my dds class at school was sitting in our car with DH helping to clean it and went to help herself to the money we have for parking in the tray. Clearly she didn't see anything wrong in taking what wasn't hers.
DH quickly enlightened her that it was his money and to put it back Grin

Bubbaluv · 22/09/2011 23:48

Haven't read the rest of the thread but I throw my Ds's toys in the bin rather than confiscate them, so clearly i don't think YABU!
On the other hand, for this type of behaviour, I would probably have simply made DS return the item to his techer, admit his crime and apologise.

Bascially I think the most important thing is that you made it clear that what he did was wrong and had negative consequences. Stick to your guns and give him back the Ben10 with a hug in a week.