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AIBU?

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Original poster

To punish DS who is only 4.5?

176 replies

andypandydulterdandy · 20/09/2011 09:56

Ds has just started primary school, he loves it and is getting on well. He really is a lovely well behaved boy and I rarely have to tell him off, he is kind and affectionate and gets on well with his teachers and his peers.
The problem is, every day when I pick him up from school he has this small plastic toy (like a toy solider), worth nothing really, but he keeps asking can he bring it home, I have told him, "no because that does not belong to you, it belongs to the school"
Yesterday when I checked his lunch box I found the toy inside, I called him and asked him how he got there to which he replied " I don?t know, it must have got in by itself". Eventually he admitted to putting it in his lunch box because he wanted it. I explained that was stealing, which he knew full well that it was, and I told him I was also cross at him for lying to me.
He went to bed with no story last night and I took one of his Ben Ten figures off him and he won?t get it back for a week. Is this too severe? He is really sorry and we took the toy back to school today and he keeps on saying he is will be a good boy and never do it again.

Am I not giving enough, or too much punishment? I really want him to understand that stealing, no matter how small the object and lying are very wrong.

OP posts:
NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 15:25

YANBU, sounds about right, especially after you have told him not to do it and also for the fact he told you a fib. He'll recover and maybe learn something along the way!

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 15:33

Yes you were right to punish him but I would have made him give it back to the teacher with an apology.

Adversecamber · 20/09/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 20/09/2011 17:21

OTT ,hes 4, I wouldn't have punished him

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/09/2011 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HowlingBitch · 20/09/2011 17:33

I think you have handled it brilliantly. You explained the situation and gave fair warning, You set the punishment and are sticking to it.

It really is for the best in the long run.

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 17:55

usualsuspect- how do you train a 4 year old to behave without punishments? I am curious as my 4 yo was wild and if I had let his behaviour go unpunished/reprimanded, he still would be. I think 4 is plenty old enough to start having sanctions etc for bad behaviour.

(and by punishments I mean withdrawn privileges, naughty step etc, not violence or belittling).

ChristinedePizan · 20/09/2011 18:00

I agree with Hully and Shiney - children this age don't understand the concept of stealing as I said.

Not having a toy for a week isn't going to kill him though!

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 20/09/2011 18:05

NestaFiesta, this is a brilliant manual on training it has dog in the title but it is not specifically about training dogs (though that is how I came accross it a long time ago).

With it you can train your child/spouse/parent/collegue/ferret/goldfish, to do anything that is within their capabilities.

It totally changed my ideas about learing and to some extent my life.

Punishment (of any kind) is mostly pretty pointless and it is astonishing how obsessed as a society we are with it.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 20/09/2011 18:06

Ha, helps if you link, here

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/09/2011 18:07

I think you handled it OK, in terms of being quite clear about it being wrong. I think taking the Ben 10 figure off his is OK - depriving him of something he plays with at least demonstrates why it's wrong to deprive other children of toys. I'd also get him to take it back to school so the teacher can talk gently about it to him. The explaining is the most important part of it at this age, I think.

But, I'd want to have a think about why he's done this now, and not before. Starting school is stressful, so his impulse control could be off for that reason. He's also trying to integrate the two sides of his life. He might genuinely not know that something he plays with at school does not belong at home with him as well.

Flisspaps · 20/09/2011 18:08

I think you did the right thing. Four year olds are old enough to understand the concept of possession, and therefore they should understand that certain things don't belong to them and that if they're told they can't have it. they can't have it.

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 18:08

WildThings- Hmm, interesting. I am always open to new ideas and suggestions. I found a combination of sanctions and rewards generally worked best. Can you post the link?

Triggles · 20/09/2011 18:08

I think that some children do understand the concept of stealing to some extent at that age, especially if you explain it to them carefully.

DD was told that by taking the crayons without permission, those crayons were not there for all the other children to use, and it would make them very sad. I asked her how she would feel if she wanted to colour with them and they were gone because someone else had taken them home, and she agreed that she would feel sad as well. I explained that stealing was taking something away that wasn't yours, and that it made other people very sad. She understood the concept pretty well. Granted she was 5, but only just turned 5, so not long off 4.

WilsonFrickett · 20/09/2011 18:09

I do think a week is too long for a punishment, but you've done it now so you have to follow through. 2/3 days without the toy would have been long enough IMO - but in the scheme of things, I don't think you've been too hard, no.

Triggles · 20/09/2011 18:10

On the flip side, DS2 is 5 now, and he would have difficulty with the concept (although he has SNs, and thus comprehension issues). It all depends on the child and their level of understanding.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 20/09/2011 18:11

Nesta I stuck it underneath, it should work.

It really does work, one of my proudest moments was teaching dp, to put all of his dirty stuff in the washing basket, instead of where it fell, all without him knowingGrin

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 20/09/2011 18:12

Where did all those, commas, come, from?

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 18:14

Thank you Wild Things. I will start training my 3 male humans and 2 female cats.

usualsuspect · 20/09/2011 18:15

There is a thread on here where posters openly admit pilfering from breakfast buffets and hotels

just saying

GingerLa · 20/09/2011 18:19

I agree he needed punishment and is old enough to learn these lessons but one punishment is enough imo. If it were me Id ask him to do something to help you or someone else and allow him his toy back early if he completes the job.

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 18:22

For all those who think that punishing a 4 year old for stealing is ott, are being VVVVVVU. If you don't teach him now, how is he going to learn that stealing is wrong. He may do that in a shop, 'oooh I like this and put it in his pocket" as he has not been punished or told its wrong presviously. He is 4 not 14 months fgs, he should learn what is right and wrong. I would carry on with the punishment as inconsistancy is not a good thing.

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 18:24

Even if my SN 4 year old did this I would still deal with it appropriately.

mumeeee · 20/09/2011 18:33

YANBU. To punish him. But just doing no story for that nigh would have been enough. Taking a his Ben 10 toy off of him for a week is going over the top. A week is a very long time for a 4 year old.

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 18:35

Totally agree piglet. If you don't punish/sanction/reprimand at 4, then WHEN?

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