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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish DS who is only 4.5?

176 replies

andypandydulterdandy · 20/09/2011 09:56

Ds has just started primary school, he loves it and is getting on well. He really is a lovely well behaved boy and I rarely have to tell him off, he is kind and affectionate and gets on well with his teachers and his peers.
The problem is, every day when I pick him up from school he has this small plastic toy (like a toy solider), worth nothing really, but he keeps asking can he bring it home, I have told him, "no because that does not belong to you, it belongs to the school"
Yesterday when I checked his lunch box I found the toy inside, I called him and asked him how he got there to which he replied " I don?t know, it must have got in by itself". Eventually he admitted to putting it in his lunch box because he wanted it. I explained that was stealing, which he knew full well that it was, and I told him I was also cross at him for lying to me.
He went to bed with no story last night and I took one of his Ben Ten figures off him and he won?t get it back for a week. Is this too severe? He is really sorry and we took the toy back to school today and he keeps on saying he is will be a good boy and never do it again.

Am I not giving enough, or too much punishment? I really want him to understand that stealing, no matter how small the object and lying are very wrong.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 20/09/2011 11:13

We have a 24hr rule, no punishment (at present) lasts longer than that, at least, not for minor offences!

I never use their bed time story as a punishment because its something that enriches their lives in my opinion. But yes, taking his Ben 10 toy for a time is reasonable. You could also, very gently, take him into school to return the toy he's taken (I think even the term 'stolen' is a bit harsh!) you and the teacher could say thank you for returning it, and explain together why its wrong (other children won't be able to enjoy it, it doesn't belong to him etc). I did this with my then 3 year old when he came home with a stash or 5 dinosaurs and some cars!! There wasn't any upset, he wasn't made to feel 'dirty' and he got the message.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:16

To be fair I would have said that just not getting a story wouldn't have been enough of a punishment, taking toy off is.

There is no right or wrong, all that matters is that you didn't let it go, you didn't excuse him, you did give him consequences and you will follow through with that. If he has learned from whatever punishments you have decided on then it has worked.

The job's a good 'un Grin

Mumwithadragontattoo · 20/09/2011 11:22

I think I too would have only given one punishment here (unless you are treating the lying as separate from the stealing), but given you have done it now I think you should stick to your guns. Taking one of his toys away for a week is not a disproportionate punishment.

Hardgoing · 20/09/2011 11:26

Lots of children do do it, both mine have done it. However, I realised with my younger dd2 that as it had gone on since she was about 3, and we just made her take the item back the next day, she didn't actually know it was wrong. Cute three year old taking stuff, fine, six/seven year old taking stuff not fine. So, I think now is a good time to spell it out clearly, but don't let it drag on and on and I would not be stopping stories/fun/chats now, he's had a clear message and I would leave at that (and return the Ben 10 toy next week to be consistent but make a note to self not to let punishment drag on over days if you can possibly help it!)

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 20/09/2011 11:29

YANBU as he is your child and who you can parent as you wish.

However I wouldn't have 'punished' (hate that word) I would have talked it through with him and got him to say why you can't take things from school, then got him to suggest what would be the right thing to do now? (take it back and appologize). That way he understands what the wrong was and how to put it right.

As to a 4 year old there wasn't really a problem with taking the thing (apart from the facts that adults bang on that you shouldn't) the problem was when he got caught, so you risk the chance of him just being more careful you don't find the contraband next time.

niceguy2 · 20/09/2011 11:34

But hey, we all live & learn. Show me a parent who's never made a mistake when punishing and I'll show you a liar.

limetrees · 20/09/2011 11:36

I think the punishment is generally OK.

Only thing I would have done differently is to take the Ben 10 figure away for a shorter period of time - perhaps one day.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 20/09/2011 11:37

Of course you should punish a school age child for stealing, why wouldn't you?

I agree with thisisyesterday - I would have made him take it back to the teacher and apologise.

BettyCash · 20/09/2011 12:03

You did the right thing, OP

worraliberty · 20/09/2011 12:06

I think it was totally fair enough

He's 4 and a half years old...not 2.

Hullygully · 20/09/2011 12:13

wot wtwtw said

And after repeated yearnings for said toy, I would have understood the deep and unfathomable desire for it and just gone and got him one from the demn shop.

We all have deep longings, why can't they?

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/09/2011 12:14

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worraliberty · 20/09/2011 12:23

We do deal with stuff differently shineon but perhaps if you had punished him the first time he might not be 'like a little magpie' now?

If children see no repercussions, they normally see no reason to change their behaviour until they feel like it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/09/2011 13:26

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Message withdrawn

stayforthekids1 · 20/09/2011 13:28

I remember my 4 year old at the time, taking a toy pony from the library. She hid it up her sleeve. Because she did that, I knew she knew that she shouldnt be taking it. So I took her back to the library and made her give it back with a sorry. The librarian looked at me like I was a female adolf hitler. Grin

thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 13:36

No YANBU, the sooner they learn morality and truth the better imo. If you had said 'I have smacked him' then that would be unreasonable but what you did made him realise that there are consequences for stealing. To posters who have said it is too harsh, how would you feel if it was your dcs toy that he had taken because he took a shine to it Hmm

blackeyedsusan · 20/09/2011 13:44

I would have made him give it back to school and ask him to apologise. as a teaacher i would have told him that it belongs in school and if every chiild took something home there would be nothing to play with at school and that he mustn't do it again.

as you had said no and he did it anyway, some sorrt of additional punishment is reasonable. if he had just bought it home and it was the first offence, at 4 an apology would be enough. (it is embarressing to apologise to the teacher so that is punishment enough.)

RainboweBrite · 20/09/2011 13:51

I think the punishment was fair, but for goodness sake, don't give him back the Ben 10 figure earlier than you said you were going to! You have to be consistent, even if in your heart of hearts, you now feel the time you said he couldn't have it was a bit much.

Triggles · 20/09/2011 13:55

Now that you've told him he can't have the figure back for a week, you unfortunately need to stick to it.

DD took some crayons home from school (weird glittery crayons that were special for in class) when she was 5. I made her bring them back and hand them to the teacher and apologise for stealing them. She cried a bit, but the teacher was very nice about it. No other punishment was needed, and she never did it again.

thelittlefriend · 20/09/2011 14:14

Your punishment may be harsher than some parents would give, but YANBU. It's up to you if that's how you've decided to parent. You say you have rarely had to tell him off before, so maybe now is the time to come up with a plan of what punishment you think is reasonable for bad behaviour of different kinds, so you are not put on the spot again. Then in future, you can have more confidence that you have given him an appropriate punishment IYSWIM

SardineQueen · 20/09/2011 14:28

Sounds fine to me.

I also think you shouldn't give the figure back until the week is up.

spiderpig8 · 20/09/2011 14:43

Too harsh? for lying and stealing? You're kidding! At 4.5 he is plenty ,plenty old enough to understand that stealing is very wrong and lying.I'd have given him a really good telling off probably til he cried, and made him go in and confess to the teacher too.

Hullygully · 20/09/2011 14:56

Blimey

Beat him too, the lying cheating little swine. That'll learn him.

Hullygully · 20/09/2011 14:58

I don't think it is about stealing, it is about huge desire and impulse control.

Learning how to manage those things is part of growing up. If what happens is that you are punished, you learn not to do it from fear, not from understanding and developing autonomous self-control.

shewhowines · 20/09/2011 15:08

YANBU . Come down hard at first then the kids understand an action = a consequence and think twice about repeating action. If the consequence doesn't hurt then it is a waste of time!

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