To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

I can definitely identify with a lot of what you have described OP. Motherhood is completely relentless and sometimes feels as if it's sucking the life out of you.

I'm not sure if you are depressed or not (I certainly have felt as you describe, but not constantly), but maybe a visit to another GP in your practice might be an idea.

You are certainly NOT alone in how you feel and you are NOT a bad mother.

But she's had a great time up until now because you've been working so hard - it's you who's had a tough five years.

I agree with the many posters who feel you sound depressed. Obviously we are not doctors and you do need to see someone (not your current GP). Imagine if you could either spend another five years feeling like this, or if you could go to see someone, get help, and actually start to enjoy it all?

Actually, you may not enjoy it 'all'. I love moments with my son - when we are on the floor tickling or he's cackling with joy at something, but like many people I'm not terribly fond of reading his book about dogs for the 95th time. Some things are tedious. You don't have to like everything if it's not for you.

Oops, hadn't quite finished writing. Anyway, I believe you can come out of this loving at least part of motherhood. I remember a while back there was a long thread about someone who felt they didn't love their son and they updated a year or so later to say they did now. Hopefully that will be you one day.

Best of luck - keep us updated if it's bearable :)

OP I really feel for you. Your painful honesty deserves a lot of respect.

One thing I thought I might mention. 'Perfect' mothers are not necessarily good for their children. Being perfect sets the children a standard they will forever struggle to reach. Being perfect(ly happy, patient) all the time wrongly teaches them that their own human varying emotions of frustration, guilt, anger, sadness, are somehow wrong, and denies them the chance to learn how to deal with them from watching you. Being perfect sets them a role model which is not realistic.

If your own mother was so perfect, was this always good for you? Perhaps her perfection is in some way contributing to how hard things are for you now. You are struggling with your emotions, and you don't know how to deal with them - because you never had a chance to learn from your mother, maybe? So you end up overcompensating and got yourself into a vicious circle. Maybe you can save your daughter from feeling like you do now, when she has her own kids someday - by being just a little bit less perfect.

I don't mean to make you think you should feel guilty for being so perfect - even if it's just the motions. What I'd like to convey is that if you find a way out of this - perhaps with counselling and/or ADs or perhaps simply when your DD grows a bit older - it will be good for you, AND it will be good for her.

I hope the appointment goes well and wish you all the best.

I want to applaud to for that post Meita, you speak an awful lot of sense!

I agree, fab post Meita

OP - I was thinking about your wonderful mother too

I'm sure she was wonderful - lucky you and lucky her - BUT nobody is perfect. I bet she had her off-days and rough patches just like the rest of us. But sometimes something gets said so often that it becomes ingrained in the folklore of the family - if your "life script" says that your mother was flawlessly brilliant, then you are carrying a heavy weight before you even start as a mum!

and I agree with Meita that motherhood is a human relationship, it's meant to be lumpy and bumpy and imperfect. Your children won't always be perfect and neither will you.

She didn't really seem to be disturbed by my outburst yesterday... maybe she's relieved to see her mum is human!!

I never saw my mum cry or be unhappy at all until I was well in to my late teens. So no, I was never taught how to deal with emotion from her really.

YY to Meita. Can you imagine how incredibly wearing it must be to be Mama Walton? Or Marmee from Little Women (although there is a small passage in that book when Mrs Perfect Chops admits to Jo that actually she has raaaaggggge inside and has spent a lifetime learning to manage her temper)?

OMG I feel exactly like that, my son is nearly two & I'm expecting another. My first was a desperately wanted IVF baby and I can't believe I feel this way and so wish I didn't.

I totally agree with Meita.

There is not some blueprint for motherhood that we should all be following like automatons.

Mothers are just people. People who have different personalities, ways of interacting, personal likes/dislikes, strengths and weakness, and obviouslynthere are some generally 'good things' to ensure when raising children and some obviously 'bad things' to avoid but beyond those there are thousands of equally different and valid ways to raise a child depending on that individual mother and her individual child.

OP your mother was perfect, you are striving to be perfect but it makes you unhappy. What does that tell you?

It should tell you that perfect doesn't exist, and that your own mothers perfection wasn't so perfect after all as it's left you with issues about your own ability to mother. (And A few others about generally striving for perfection in life I would guess??)

Try to relax, be yourself, allow yourself to be bored, grumpy, irritable without guilt, they are normal emotions, express them.

OP - to reiterate what others have said - massive respect for posting!! It is heartening to see the amount of support that everyone has given you and I hope this gives you reassurance that you have nothing to feel guilty about! Telling others how you feel MUST be the biggest step towards sorting this out and YOU HAVE DONE IT!! I wish you all the best in moving forward.

I am a teacher of boys with emotional and social problems and I know that the one common factor in their issues was being sidelined by parents who literally spend no time with them at all and do nothing towards their emotional and social development - you are quite clearly delivering that in spades!!! In terms of 'making' a child by the time they are 5 - yes it does have truth but from what you say you do with your little girl it sounds as if you have more than supplied the interaction she needs - your own emotional feelings will hopefully develop to catch up with it all. I agree that you can drive yourself crazy trying to provide all this 'correct' upbringing / education / development so on ...... I worry how obsessed I will get with it all when my little one gets here and I am already reminding myself not to let this happen!!! I also keep thinking how quickly they grow up - taking a class through from yr7 to yr 11 is an amazing event and you can't believe how quickly it goes by and how much they have changed and grown in that time - your little girl is not going to stay little for long and your experience with her will change too. Keep strong and keep talking and keep using support to help you through - as L oriel says - " you're worth it" !!!

Just thought I'd share this.

Last night I asked my DP if he thought our eldest son had/has been affected by my depression and the way I was 'absent' for the first few years - his instant reaction was a 'uh, not at all' and looked at me like it was a really daft question. He says I hid everything I was feeling really well and thinks I was a great mother despite how I felt inside.

Regarding your daughter... you clearly love her. She has a wonderful life from what you described and I agree with the poster who said kids are quite self centered, she probably doesn't even notice that you are not really there.

The way I see it, when you are well you will have many opportunities to enjoy being with your daughter and showing her how you feel about her, I definately don't think it's too late. My eldest is 5 1/2 years now and I feel we have bonded properly over the last 18 months or so and are becoming closer all the time. It seems my worries about the effect I had on him were somewhat misplaced - depression has a way of distorting what is true.

Well done for sorting the counselling so quickly, your DP sounds very supportive too, listen to him, he may be seeing things more clearly than you at the moment.

Good luck on saturday.

Its just struck me OP, what contraception are you on at the moment? Maybe in a few years time if the PND is sorted you might like another but atm it would probably be awful for you.

I think you are far to hard on yourself, trying to be perfect mum which has made you miserable. You are a person not just mum and don't need to be perfect. Perhaps you are depressed? Counselling..

Feel sorry for you but ultimately your girl.

I do think she may sense how you feel.

i am encouraged to see so many people can relate to these feelings, which i've had myself to some extent, though I'm more in the hate it while i'm doing it but feel all warm and lovey once they're in bed sort of school.

but it also reminds me of so many people i've known or heard of who say they know they have it all in life - a great job, loving spouse, beautiful children, but still feel an emptiness inside. Usually the next step is some sort of dramatic change or rush to meditate with monks in Nepal. (half joking)

Maybe there is something deeper down that is just not being nourished, and motherhood is the most obvious dissatisfaction?

OP, I have felt like that, mainly because part of me yearned for the freedom I had pre-kids.

It could be depression, or it could lead to depression. Some talking therapy (CBT?) would almost certainly make you feel a lot better. Talk to your GP.

fruitloaf i am so happy for you that you have come through the other end... it's very inspiring!

I can't say how pleased I am that i finally posted this x

Don't try so hard. Stop doing things just for her. Do some things that you like and take her along. Forgive yourself if the house is a mess or if you give her convenience food, or you leave her to watch TV for a hour while you read/MN/chat with some friends over a glass of wine. Make yourself happy first. Start to find pleasure in your time with her even if you aren't always interacting with her.

Motherhood is hard. But I don't think what you are feeling is entirely 'normal' (whatever that means). We all have flashes of resentment and regret as the mother of young children but you shouldn't hate and resent your child all or even most of the time. I would put money on your being depressed - the worry in the middle of the night flags that up for me most of all. I felt this most of all with my second child - the time I had PND.

You must address this somehow. The clinginess that pisses you off so much might well be her reaction to your feelings. You both deserve better.

hatebeingmummy - Go girl!!!! xx

BTW if it's any comfort at all, I am really enjoying being a mother to a 14yr old and a 12yr old. I always loved and liked my DC and I do miss their younger selves a bit but this is the best bit so far. Please try and understand it can and will get better - but you need some help. See another GP if this one is no good.

Look at all these posts... you are not alone.

Ormirian - totally agree. OP, I suspect you may be simply bored silly. It'll get better.

You definitely need to talk to someone as however much you are doing, how you feel IS being felt everyday by your daughter. Can't you go to another gp in your surgery? Even if you can't, don't underestimate what your current gp could do to help. Please see someone as you really need to talk to someone and find some way of feeling better x

I've really been trying to watch me and my DD from the outside this past few days and it's made me feel a bit better. This morning she came in to bed with me and chatted on for about 10 minutes about something ridiculous, she is so carefree that I am starting to beleive maybe I've done a good job of hiding my feelings and that it is me who is sad rather than her.