To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

oh dear, I'm very sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. But it was very brave of you to write it all down!

We all know motherhood is not easy, and I do envy those mums who make things look so easy, so natural. I feel I always have to put so much effort to be a good mother. Also there is a lot of pressure to be the 'perfect mother', but that perfection does not exist and will drive you mad. So just try to be 'good enough'!

Maybe you could see your GP, it would be great to have some professional help to deal with all the pressure.

x

There was a programme on C4 ages ago where they worked with Mums who were having similar problems to you, OP. It was called "help me love my baby". The women worked with a counsellor for a year and it really did seem to help. One of the Mums was very similar to you in that she did everything she "ought" to be doing, but it just felt empty and as if she was going through the motions of being a Mum, playing a part so to speak.
I hope you find the help you need for your sake and the sake of your little girl. You are very brave to post something so intensely personal xxx

Hi, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be a "good mother". Doing all those things might be great for the child, but you need to enjoy being a mother too!

I don't have any of the feelings you describe about your child, maybe because I don't let them work on their Maths in the supermarket! It sounds exhausting. I do the things that I like to do, like we have a quiet park that hardly anyone comes to, and I go on the slides and swings etc. with them, because I want to and they love me joining in too. If I don't like that I'll do something else to be involved/engaged with them.

I don't do cooking with my kids, I can't stand the mess, and I don't think that's anything to feel guilty about! Tell your daughter to go and watch TV while you finish the cooking, you can say you can do it faster on your own and then you'll have some time to play with her before dinner. You know, stuff like that. Make life easy for yourself while spending time with your child. Don't make it all about HER, you matter too.

Yes I have to say out of your list of activities you don't enjoy - well I don't particularly enjoy them either. I mean I take some pleasure in doing things with DS that I know he will enjoy, but that is not stuff I would do but for him. And I wouldn't line up to do it with any other random kid - I do it for him because I love him.

And what shiney said. Every moment does not need to be an Educational Experience. Sometimes you just need to go to the shop to get some milk and your child needs to pipe down because there's a massive queue and you've got a headache and have somewhere to be five minutes ago. You're over compensating and it's making you more resentful, tbh.

YANBU to feel like this but, reading your post, I wonder if it is actually depression or more a case of expecting too much? Intelligent, successful people can often be perfectionists and, in the motherhood role, that can translate to treating it more as a job to excel at, rather than a relationship to be developed. I may be reading too much into your description but if you're always trying so hard, it could be that it's turned into a chore - which no-one enjoys. Small children are demanding and rarely offer thanks and what keeps me going, at least, are those odd moments when we share a laugh or something else happens to lift the day out of the usual grind. It's not wrong, either, to enjoy time out from children... or roll your eyes a little when they come back. Look at all the MN messages along the lines of 'oh no, it's the school holidays'.... entertaining/educating children 24/7 is no-one's idea of fun and neither is it necessary

A GP visit may be in order but perhaps, in the meantime, introduce your DD to your world rather than living exclusively in hers and lower your expectations a little. Good luck

ohdearnigel I will search for this on 4OD I hope it's there as it sounds useful.

Thanks Josie I'm pleased your friend turned out okay!

My DD is very very intelligent, she also has ants in her pants. i don't think this helps as she won't often sit still, she'll read but she'll want to read to me rather than alone. She does seem to need an awful lot of stimulation but that may be because I have given her so much that she has come to depend on it. I wonder if i've made a rod for my own back.

My partner says I have the patience of a saint becuase, for example, if she's helping me cook she doesn't just watch... I'm like a flipping child-friendly Nigella telling her what i'm doing every step of the way and explaining what the ingreidients are and what's in them and what country they're from... now I write it down i think i am actually a bit mental

Those who asked if I work, I do, full time. she was with a hcild minder from 8-6 from age 3 months and now she's at school she is with a childminder 4 afternoons and with me 1 afternoon. I don't really beat myself up about this because I know that I don't really have the choice but then again i would still work even if I didn't have to as it's enough of a cross to bear that i don't enjoy the time I have with her now, I'd be in a loony bin if I was with her anymore.

Reading through all your comments again I think it may be depression... I wouldn't think you could have depression in just one area of your life but it seemsmaybe you can. I'll keep posting on here with updates as ive booked a councellor appointment fo rsaturday. I'm not concieted enough to think people will keep checking the thread but I think it will help me to follow up never the less.

Sorry for poor typing there.

My mother was not a naturally maternal mother. She freely admits she hated the pressure she felt when she raised our family, and she says that she enjoys my children much more than she ever enjoyed us.

But, I had no recollection of this as a child. She took us swimming, longs walks in the woods, playing games etc. She was a wonderful mum (although not as organised as you sound) and we knew she loved us, even if she didn't find us entertaining.

She often has dinner parties with us now, and enjoys being able to chat and drink wine, without having to worry about us as much.

What I'm saying is you sound like you are doing an amazing job, your daughter clearly loves and cares for you, as you do her. But you don't have to find her entertaining. Thats the difference. She is 5, and her own interests are obviously different to yours. Do you have any you time? I know you mentioned she visits her dad - do you go out with friends, socialise and have 'you' time?

I found my son developed into more of an independent person around the age of 6/7 and suddenly he was able to have conversations (within limits) about current events and we were able to play games such as monopoly and I'm currently teaching him chess, which are slightly more interesting than young children's games.

Plus, lower your expectations of yourself. No-one on MN is perfect 100% of the time, despite what they say.

I would also listen to the advice on PND to see whether that resonates. If so, a trip to the GP may be helpful.

I loved what justaboutstillhere said about love being an action. People can say 'i love you' but if you watched what they actually do around that person day to day if you turned the sound off iykwim, it would be hard to say what their love amounted to. You are doing all the right things, but not getting the enjoyment out of it. I do agree with those who suggest depression, there are many on line screening tools, I am rubbish at links but it might be useful to have a read around PND.

I wonder if the fact you were seriously considering termination (and that your family knew that) is a factor in your feelings now, do you feel like you turned off your feelings at that point to protect yourself? Do you feel that people are judging you as a mother?

I hope that talking here is a first step in feeling better about yourself as a mum .

Being a perfect mother on paper is not the same as being a loving, caring mother that will form a close bond with her child. You need to cut yourself some slack and stop worrying about doing everything "right" all the time.

You're not a bad person, but how you're feeling is not normal, and it's neither fair on you nor your daughter.

I don't honestly believe that you don't like her, though - I think it's the lack of personal space that comes with parental territory and perhaps being less than maternal (which is no crime) that constribute to you thinking this way. But you clearly love her/worry about her, so it's not like there's nothing there.

It's not too late to sort the situation out, but you definitely need to get your GP to refer you for some counselling/CBT sooner rather than later. Speak to another doctor if neccessary, as you say your usual doc is quite set in his ways.

X-posted good luck for Saturday.

Print out your original post and take it to the doctor.

Chin up. You sound lovely.

I would say that that blank feeling you have - of going through the motions but not really 'living' it - has all the hallmarks of pnd. It was just how I felt.

Hi sorry, I'm on my way out and will come back later, so I haven't been able to read the whole thread.

OP, you sound depressed. Not that motherhood has to be great for everyone, just that you seem to be suffering from anhedony (as in not deriving any pleasure from life at all). Could that be a possibility?

hatebeingmummy - I'm going to stick my neck out and say there must be something you could enjoy doing together, you just haven't found it yet.

What do you enjoy doing yourself? If you think about what you enjoy I'm sure collectively we could find a way to enjoy these things with your daughter (unless your answer is drinking and sex of course, that would be more of a challenge!)

yes, please keep us update regarding your session!

and well done for having booked it!
I agree with grovel print your post and and take it with you on saturday.

x

This is exactly what I currently fear
I am 27 and found out yesterday I was pregnant
I am a wife of one month, with a successful career that I enjoy and a life I love
We just bought our first house, had the wedding and to top it all my parents announced on the day they were to get a divorce.

With all the drama and tears than have ensued I was looking forward to getting back to being ?us? ? me and my husband ? rather than coping with or organising.

I know I am incredibly lucky however not sure if this is the right time [tho understand that there may never be a ?right time].

I swing from the vain fear of loosing my figure which I have worked hard for ? and though bemoan ? do enjoy, to being terrified that if I have aa child I will end up resenting hem and my husband

Are you a single parent? It sounds like you do an amazing job, but maybe you just don't have enough time to yourself to appreciate the time with your daughter. I think you have set yourself high standards as a mother and maybe haven't left enough time to make yourself happy. IMO children are happy when their parents are happy, and they do pick up on the way you feel. Try to find some time to do things for yourself - you still exist as a person. You are not only a mother. It is normal to need something other like children to feel fulfilled.

First of all credit toyou for bei g so honest it is incredibly brave and hopefully the first step towards getting the help you need.

Motherhood can be very hard at times sometimes you wish you could have just five minute peace or want to feel like the old you for a little while.
What you have written sounds very much like depression and I do think left untreatedit could go on for five years. When ds was born I felt nothing all I wanted to do was run away because I could not forgive myself for not having the rush of love I was expecting, I did get help and I found admitting I was down to family and friends also helped because they rallied around to help out and just lend a ear.
There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are not maternal I am not but now I have had help and anti depressants amd went a bit easier on myself I love ds more than life itself, that does not mean I relish every aspect of motherhood amd I still have days when I want to just go amd sit in starbucks
and drink coffee without endless demands.
You miss your dd when she is not there and worry about her safety , you do love her and she obviously loves you and fwiw you sound like a great parent I thi k you really need something for yourself a hobby or holiday one night a week with friends.
Children can be hard work and there is so much pressure to feel a certain way or do certain things it can lead to a person not feeling good enough , I would put money on the fact there are loads more people who feel just as you do and are to afraid to admit it I know I was.
The clingy phase will not last forever and with the right support you will fi d your dd will enhance your life in ways you never Imagined.
Good luck take care of yourself giveyour dd a great big hug tellher you love her then arrange childcare and have some fun for yourself it makes parenting a lot easier when there is so
ething else to look forward to.
X

Cheer up, lovely lady. What you feel is perfectly normal - most people feel the same on occasion.

Motherhood is draining for all and every sort of reasons - and the sheer relentlessness can lead everyone into exhaustion and gloom. You do sound a bit depressed, so I would visit GP. But first, I would arrange some child-free time; pull out all the stops to get some R&R regularly. Explain to partner this is an essential, which for most people it is.

Your DD is growing up - she will stop being clingy and improve.

Please don't feel like you should have to feel guilty about working you are entirely within your rights to want a career and enjoy it, I could never be a full time mum I would go crazy dh on the other hand lives being a sahd and has really come into his own since he started. There is no right and wrong it is just finding the right balance and like another poster said happy parents equal happy child.

OP, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

I remember having lots of the same thoughts, esp saying sorry to dd when she was asleep, just before my depression was diagnosed. I worked myself up so much because I lived at home and my mother had such high standards that I was never going to reach.It was a crap time, I felt crap, I couldn't go to work one day for worrying about whether dd enjoyed her time in creche more than with me because I certainly did and that made me feel worse.
Perhaps like the others say, you should see an alternative gp?

I don't enjoy painting, or board games or playing on the swings. What I do enjoy is sitting down at the end of the day by myself with the tv, or reading a book. I don't enjoy running around or taking out the roller skates or bringing dd to ballet. I do enjoy walking around the shops....

So I decided after talking to my counsellor that I would stop trying to do all the things I hated. They stressed me out, they made me feel worse for not enjoying them and that despite the facade that dd would know. So now we do a "girly" day.

We go to town and walk around the shops and have say a ?10 (£6?) budget and buy something in Primark or Claires or whatever. Then we go home and order a pizza and paint our nails and watch something like the X factor or Ant and Dec etc, something she can watch with me and that I can zone in and out of but I won't want to cut off my arm for watching, like Barbie and the Nutcracker. It's time spent with dd that she feels is "grown up" and that I don't want to cry the whole way through.

Now don't get me wrong, we do go to the park, but now I leave her run off by myself, I sit on the bench. I don't have to be perfect hands on mum the whole time to be a good mum, infact he confidence has improved so much since I don't feel like I have to be. She can talk to other kids more easily because I'm not there the whole time.
She doesn't help with things like cooking or baking. She helps to decorate cupcakes or grate the cheese on to the pasta, and that's enough for now. It's OK to say "no, not right now" sometimes and in my head I didn't think that. Lovely mums never say no do they?!

What I'm saying is, it's possible you are depresssed, and you need to take it easy on yourself. Noone is perfect. If you were a bad mum, you wouldn't care you didn't enjoy it. The fact that you persevred through your feelings for so long means you are a great mum, even if you can't see it right now.

Wishing you all the best

Caitlin Moran once memorably wrote that if adults liked playing with toys we'd all be in Toys R Us on Friday night not down the pub and having sex.

Glad you're going to investigate counselling, worth exploring certainly. Also I agree that you may be overdoing the active parenting at the expense of your own sanity - I remember unclenching a lot about aspects of parenting when I realised that some perfectly good admirable parents... (looks furtively around).... NEVER DO CRAFT AT HOME!

I didn't realise there was a choice.

Chin up, I hope you can feel better about parenting soon. It can feel relentless.