To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't think you're on your own, OP, not by a long shot. I think that's behind much of the 'competitive parenting' that I read about here too, a sense that everything's not as 'perfect' as it's supposed to be, or portrayed, and instead of looking at what the problems might be, they're glossed over and dishonestly branded into some kind of 'super-mother' nonsense.

You're very brave, OP, don't think for a minute that you're not a good mother, your DD is getting everything that she needs - it's YOU that needs the help to get what you need from being a mum. Your trip to the counsellors was the right move and I really wish you well. :)

[essecee]

I do know something of how you feel though for me it is not constant, but I have had/ have phases which I now think are depression because the demands of motherhood are just so relentless and sometimes when I get really drained I sink into depressive feelings about whether I should ever have had children, what damage I am doing them and me. I went to my GP surgery where there are a number of doctors. Technically my GP is male but I insisted on seeing a woman because I felt less judged and she referred me to a counsellor connected to the surgery - though it took quite a while. I got a limited number of sessions on the NHS and then continued to see her privately for a while after my 'allowance' of sessions ran out. Talking about it really did help. You are very brave to admit to your feelings. It probably feels very dangerous to admit to your feelings to a person but it's ok. It will help.

[Bonsoir]

OP - I think you need to relax and not to see motherhood as task-driven! I wonder what your profession is, and whether it is very task-oriented? If you are used to achieving/completing a lot of small tasks throughout the day, and you find that satisfying, applying that to motherhood is going to be frustrating for both of you.

Try to chill more with your child. DVDs and hanging out in pyjamas are great, too!

[Xenia]

I can see that. Some people end up with the chidlren 24/7 and the solution is to work and have some childcare and then they get a balance they like. Clearly you do not have so many hours that that's the issue. May be as she gets older it will be easier.

In that case thinking about how well you are doing and trying to change how you feel is going to be the answer. We tend to bond with those with whom we spend time so the opposite also applies - if soeone hardly sees a child they tend not to bond with it whether they are mothers or fathers although your time periods with her sound absolutely normal and fine with more time to do non child things than many of us.

[hatebeingmummy]

Thanks both. In what way has it affected him whatever ?

Xenia I have my DD for 1 hour on weekday mornings and 1.5 hours on weekday nights, I have her from Friday night until Sunday night every other weekend and then the next weekend I dont see her from dropping her atthe childminder on Friday at 8am umntil 6pm on Monday night.
I get what you're saying but I don't think that it's any more time apart from my DD that I need. In fact I would worry that if I did see less of her I would become more and more distanced from her.

[pinkytheshrinky]

I had a Mum who felt like this about me. She was married to my Dad but he cheated on her and left and she ended up having to move back to her Mum's house and working full time ad my Nan took over.

My Mum never did anything about this and to anyone else she seemed ok about it all. I always felt in the way, like I was getting in the way of the life she should have had iykwim. She never said this to me I just knew.

She died a few years ago and I cared for her whilst she was ill - it was a healing process for us both. She couldn't help how she felt and it has, to a degree made me insecure.

What I am trying to say is you daughter does know, and she certainly will as she grows up so I am delighted that you are doing something about this, it is the right thing to do for you and for her. To not be able to enjoy the gift of a child is a life half-lived. My Mother would probably say that now with hindsight.

[kerstina]

Lovely post whatever 17 it made me cry.

[whatever17]

I remember feeling like this with DS1. I was 21 having him and knew I had made a horrific life changing mistake in marrying his Dad. I adored DS1 whilst we were married but we split up when he was 14 months - I was 22/23.

Then I was bored out of my skull, DS1 became super clingy. Intellectually I knew why but I couldn't stand it. I had to lie beside him up till 11pm to get him to go to sleep without screaming his head off and coming downstairs, I couldn't even go for a wee on my own. He drove me mad. He just clung to me 24/7 and I felt under siege by a tyrant. I used to secretly think of him as Stalin.

I did everything by the book and was kind and played with him etc etc but nothing was enough. He never let me out of his sight. I felt like I just wasn't a person anymore just a machine to service his needs.

When he was about 4 I was having tea at mum and dad's and sighed and said "I just want a life, I want friends!" dad looked at me and said "THIS is your best friend" and I just looked at my little boy looking at me and realised that HE was the person who loved me best in all the world.

It was like a bucket of cold water.

I had my 2nd DS when I was 30 and I felt differently from day 1.

My point in all this is - one day it will hit you that this little person is your most important person. It didn't happen for me until DS1 was about 4. I think on some unconscious level I blamed him for obstructing my career and social life - especially as I had split from his Dad. And, I have to say, even though I was kind and did it by the book - it has affected him.

[FigsAndWine]

Just trying to move on from that last post without dwelling too much... on so many levels...

OP I'm so glad that you had the appointment, and while it may be difficult and challenging at times, I think the counsellor will help you to clarify and deal with your feelings. I'm so glad that you've taken that step!

[Xenia]

Very good start.
Also why not do what we did? (We had 5 children). At weekends we both needed at times to work or take one child somewhere so we h ired a local sixth former for Saturday and Sunday mornings (you could do that in the weekends your child is with you). Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you need to be with them 24/7. No culture has ever had that. Romans had slaves. Indians in Africa use Africans. Victorians had heaps of servants etc etc. In a sense the weird thing is if you haev the child 24/7 not the other way around so don't worry if for you a few hours a day is your limit - just hire good care to cover when you aren't with her and if you're really happy she will be too.

[MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours]

Well done for going. Sounds like a good start.

[hatebeingmummy]

I had the appointment! I was so nervous but the councellor was really lovely. It was exploatory really rather than too enlightening. We've decided we need to expore why I had DD, which from the beginnings of a conversation may have been something to do with seeking attention and acceptance that I hadn't had before. But also to look atthe things that trigger negative emotions e.g. when DD clings to my legs, and go back to see wht they make me feel so awful. I think she's going to grill me a bit on why it's taken me so long to seek help and why I feel I have to be perfect and strong all the time...

I feel a bit better already to be on the right track

[stoat]

Just wanted to add my support to you HateBeingAMummy and put my hand up as someone else who feels like you. I really hope you hook up with a supportive Doctor - I have a lovely one who makes me giggle every time I go and see him and realise that I am actually an alright person and good Mummy who simply has a weak spot with depression/PND. As soon as I get tired, stressed, hormonal, don't exercise, don't eat well (and the list goes on) my mood goes into freefall. It happens to lots of us, we just don't often have your courage to wave the white flag. Big hugs to you and have you tried the Moodscope website - brilliant for checking in on yourself and seeing the bigger picture xxxx

[MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours]

Hi hatebeing. I started reading your post when you first put it up and it really struck a chord with me. I think you are very brave to have put it all down and be so honest, and I also think that you are on the first step to feeling better.

I hope that the recognition of your feelings you have found here have made you feel less lonely in this too. God knows I have felt like this too at times and then have felt massive feelings of guilt about it.

I talked about your post with DH and we both said how sodding relentless and hard it is when DC's are still quite young. I LOATHE all the playgrounds and painting and 'can I help you mummy' when I'm in the kitchen. The truthful answer is NO LEAVE ME ALONE! (DH says he would happily burn the painting and sticking stuff, he hates it with a passion and rarely lets them do it!)

DC I think need to see (sometimes) when you are pissed off, or fed up, or angry, or don't want to do something, because that way they learn how to consider others feelings and how to deal with that.

I do think that as everyone has said, that you are depressed. I also think that seeing the counsellor is a good step and well done for doing that.

Good luck on your journey.

[fruitloafrocks]

Thanks hatebeingmummy, (I have a wee suspicion that one day in the not too distant future you'll be changing that username).

You are so much braver than I could have been when I felt as you do, you have immense strength, I'm in awe that you have lived with this for so long.

You're on the right path, you will be fine, and so will your little girl. I thoroughly recommend the 'other-side', it's quite good fun.

[wildhairrunning]

Op when I said she is picking up on it I did not mean it horribly but just that we are all sensitive to 'feelings in the air' and I sure you are doing a great job but the vibes of how you feel are still there which is why it would be good for you to speak to someone

[wildhairrunning]

Justabout - you are entitled to your opinion even though your opinion is wrong on so many levels

[aldiwhore]

I disagree hatebeingamummy when you say you're doing a good job of hiding your feelings... you probably are, but actually, you're doing a good job of being a MUM. It is you who's sad and you still need to address that.

I wish you well, your posts have really touched me and I wish I could do something to help.

[hatebeingmummy]

I've really been trying to watch me and my DD from the outside this past few days and it's made me feel a bit better. This morning she came in to bed with me and chatted on for about 10 minutes about something ridiculous, she is so carefree that I am starting to beleive maybe I've done a good job of hiding my feelings and that it is me who is sad rather than her.

[wildhairrunning]

You definitely need to talk to someone as however much you are doing, how you feel IS being felt everyday by your daughter. Can't you go to another gp in your surgery? Even if you can't, don't underestimate what your current gp could do to help. Please see someone as you really need to talk to someone and find some way of feeling better x

[ManicMother7777]

Ormirian - totally agree. OP, I suspect you may be simply bored silly. It'll get better.

[MissBetsyTrotwood]

Look at all these posts... you are not alone.