To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

[pigletmania]

It sounds as though you are very depressed, could be Bourne out of PND that was left untreated: please see your GP.

[Becaroooo]

Please go and see your GP.

I think you may have pnd/depression.

I had it and it drained every ounce of joy out of everything I did.

[hatebeingmummy]

surprisepregnacy I don't know for a fact as it;s such a taboo subject but I suspect that this can happen to mothers no matter what start they had. I know friends of mine who have had surprise pregancies and who don't feel the way i do. Don't be put off.

[BerryLellow]

Like most replies you've had, i really do think it sounds like a depression.

I totally empathise with the going through the motions of parenting without the emotion. For me, it's not all the time, but I do really value my time off, and get quite down and trapped if I'm on my own trying to do 'mum' things perfectly all the time.

[Greensleeves]

Am I the only one sitting here in jaw-dropping admiration?

OP, you are patently suffering from severe depression and nervous exhaustion - lots of us know how that feels and how overwhelming and debilitating it is - you are NOT alone there

but somehow you are managing to do everything right - keep going, cook with your dd, play with her, take her out, cuddle her, read with her!

I think you are amazing. And I want you to get help for YOUR sake, not your daughter's. You don't have to put up with feeling like this.

[Becaroooo]

Absolutely agree with what Greensleeves said...you dnot have to feel like this

[hatebeingmummy]

notlettingthefearshow I am kind of a single mum, her dad left on her first birthday. But a year after that i moved in with my partner. i won't say i'm a single mum because I have his support and someone to come home to etc. which i am incredibly grateful for, but I do all of the child care side of things for my DD and most of the child care for his DD who lives with us 4 days out of 7.

Interestingly I don't have the feelings about being a stepmother that have described i have for being a mother. It could be because DSD's older (I hope, because that would mean I may feel better about DD when she is older) or it could be because i don't have the actual responsibility for DSD. I mean, I cook/ care/provide for her, but the buck doesn't stop with me, as it does with DD. IYKWIM.
messymamma and others who have said I need to be less hands on and not have such high standards, I take those point son board!
Someone asked what i enjoy as I may be able to enjoy those things with my DD... but honestly when i try to think of what i enjoy i do draw a bit of a blank... I like to go for lunch at the weekend by myself with a book... umm... I like having friends round for dinner and genrrally being a host... that's about it..

I think I am depressed there must be more than that?

[hatebeingmummy]

thank you greensleeves I've been doing it one day at a time but really... now I've writen it down.. 5/6 years is a bit of a marathon!

[meliha]

Get counseling ASAP. A good counsellor will charge you what you can afford, and can help you understand why you feel so frustrated - hopefully allowing you to deal with it. Dont bother with your GP - go straight to something like www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ and search. Someone who has experience of PND would be ideal

[Hardgoing]

This performance must be exhausting for you, I feel tired just reading about it. You sound like you've lost yourself in there. I certainly don't do even half the things you do like flying kites, doing cooking, getting them to do shopping lists in the supermarket. I tend to do things l like doing and involve them and get them to play by themselves the rest of the time (esp. with two children around- do the two children play together?)

So: if you like reading, soon your dd will be old enough to read by herself. My dd1 reads for an hour or two every evening. If you like going for coffee, take your dd for coffee and have a cake as a treat. Don't do stuff you don't enjoy all the time.

I'd also say that five is very little. Somehow I expected five year olds to be older than they are. They are still little, a bit clingy and need lots of cuddles. Plenty of people prefer older children (eight upwards) because they are not like this! So, it may be that your parenting style (the real one not this rather contrived 'perfect parent' one) is going to be better suited to older more independent children. This can be a big plus.

I echo everyone who has said go to the doctors, or even look into charities/counsellors specialising in PND/bonding programmes. But remember that many people connect with their children at different times in their lives, and many people simply don't love being around small children, things can change for you in the future. But be kind to yourself, you sound anxious, exhausted and going through the motions.

[SnakeOnCrack]

Good luck with your counselling, and please do think about making an appointment with a GP - are there others at your practice who you might feel more comfortable chatting to?

[aldiwhore]

Its sounds like you love her, but there's a 'link' missing in the chain that makes you LOVE a child's scribbles, and enjoying their company.

That could be depression, you're obviously wracked with guilt over this and I feel nothing but pity (sorry I know people hate pity) for you, I don't think you're a bad person, or a bad mother. Your child MAY pick up on how difficult its is for you, but I suspect she knows she's loved, but can see pain in your eyes sometimes and will probably worry about YOU more than whether she's loved or not.

I think everyone else is right to suggest going to your GP. To be honest, you sound like your trying so hard to be a 'good mum' that you've lost yourself and any enjoyment you might get from it. I hope you can find a resolution to this, your post has made me very sad for you, but you are not a shit mum or a bad person.

[hatebeingmummy]

There is sadly only one GP at my surgery, can you just go and register with a different one? There is a doctor at a local surgery whom I always walk past on my way to work she always smiles at me and I often consider running after her and asking her to see me! (nutter)

Money isn't really a concern so i am happy to pay for a private councellor, the one i'm seeing on Saturday is part of the (can't remember the abbreviation now) official councelling body.

[SnakeOnCrack]

Yes you can register at a different surgery- I assume it's in the same borough? Give them a call and see if you can register with them? It might be a load off your mind.

[hatebeingmummy]

Same borough.. I'll give it a go. Bless my Dr though, I would feel awful to leave him... he's great with DD. Not really of this planet though.. inthe nicest possible way.
He once told me when i had gladular fever last year that it was because I was too young to be living wothout my family and that is why i was getting sick.. "no husband or father in your home to take care of you? no wonder you are so pale"

[MordechaiVanunu]

You seem to be a perfectionist.

You seem to believe that 'unless I am a perfect mother I am a terrible mother'.

You sound pretty damn perfect with all your chikld centered, educational activities delivered with a saintly patience, yet you still then scrutinise your feelings and criticise yourself for not enjoying this utter selflessness enough

Listen to me: I hate all the activities you list, so I don't really do them much. I love it now mine are older and we do stuff together I like too, such as hiking and going to restaurants. My heart also sinks when they want to cook and more often than not I'll just bark bad temperedly 'no, I really can't be bothered with it tonight'. Sometimes/often they get on my nerves as they make life so hard, but like you I live in fear of a single hair on their head being hurt. Like you, I crave time on my own, them miss them when they're not here and then want them gone again within 10 minutes of them being back.

So you and I are pretty similar, except you do loads more and have loads more patience than me.

Oh, and I think Im a pretty good, at least normal mum, and you think you're terrible!!!

You see the irony, yes?!?!

What I'm tying to say is that you clearly have issues with unrealistic expectations of yourself (has this been true in other areas of life?) and this is leading to beliefs that you are failing, and causing you to feel low and possibly depressed.

You sound like a FABULOUS mother, but you need to explore, probably with therapy why you cannot except n yourself anything less than perfection or you will never beleife this and will never be happy.

Honestly, you clearly do love your daughter, she clearly loves you, and is cleArly having a wonderful childhood so far. She cannot read your mind and that is the only place in which this problem lies.

Good luck you really deserve to solve this and find a way to let yourself be happy with the wonderful way you are.

[SnakeOnCrack]

Oh don't feel guilty about your doctor, do what's best for you! You can always swap back if you don't feel the other doctor is an improvement!

[Bumpsadaisie]

Just to reiterate, I do think you feel far too guilty about things. Eg changing your doctor etc. If you've had a bad day with DD, you then go into her room and apologise to her while she is asleep.

FWIW, if I have a hard/bad day with my DD, I thank God when she is asleep, go down and get a glass of wine and hope she stays put and asleep for the next 12 hours so that I can restore my sanity . I certainly wouldn't dream of going in to her (unless she needed me of course). I would be too worried about her waking and intruding on my "down" time !!

I really don't feel in the least bit guilty about this as I know it is totally normal and it doesn't mean I don't mean I don't love her to bits.

You might like to have a look at this book, "Torn in Two" by Rozsika Parker - it explores the contradictory feelings of motherhood (ie how you love to them to death and simultaneously find them a pain in the and wish they would go away and give you some PEACE!) She actually argues that the negative feelings are normal and a necessary part of development for the child.

[Bumpsadaisie]

PS what was your own mother like? I think some of my attitude comes from how I was mothered myself. My mother was warm and loving but also quite impatient and could lose her temper when she had had it up to here with us. She was quite child centred, but (like most in the 70s) not excessively so.

What was really important was that whenever she lost it with us, she came to us, gave us a hug, and apologised if that was called for. We never felt afraid of her or that she didn't love us just because sometimes she got angry/fed up with us.

I think we worry far too much these days - being angry and fed up and wanting some time "off message" is a normal part of the range of feelings we all have. Children learn to manage anger if they see a parent being angry, dealing with it, and apologising.

If you were more expressive of your frustration and irritation with your daughter, then it wouldn't all bottle up and result in your crying for an hour - it must like a pressure cooker bursting. Much better to snap at her "oh for goodness sake DD, go away and give me some peace!!" (followed by hugs and attention when you've had a bit of time out) than to try to control yourself all the time.

Obviously really nasty anger and violence isn't acceptable, but I think it's OK to snap and express your frustration with your kids from time to time, provided after a while you sign back in with them and let them know everything is OK.

[WeShouldOpenABar]

You poor thing, my mother did not like the kiddie stage either but we're obviously very close now as she was able to tell me that
I know she didnt start enjoying us until our teens when we could start having proper conversations with her and get out of her hair a lot more
I dont blame her one bit , I think ill be the same,and never felt anything but loved and secure growing up so i wouldnt worry your daughter is necessarily noticing any of this
My gran also doesnt like kids- its a wonder im here at all actually :-)

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

You've basically described how I feel sometimes, especially right now. I know I'm probably depressed. I had PND first time round and no doubt I've got it now. Sorry if I x post with a billion people (I can't read all this thread right now) but I think you should see a doctor as you may be depressed. We could make a deal if you like. You go to your GP and I'll go to mine Best wishes and you're not a bad mum.

[farewellfigure]

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so dreadful. I'm sure there are hundreds of people who feel the same way. I'm so glad you are going to see a GP as it sounds like classic depression to me which can so easily be treated. You may find that you feel so much better once you are taking some anti-depressants. Having suffered once, and come out the other side, I can so relate to your feelings about not finding any enjoyment in anything. I really hope that soon you will be feeling much better and can start to enjoy the time you spend with your little girl.

As for whether she knows or not, I doubt it very much. You sound like a wonderful mother and all she will remember is all the time you have spent with her doing fun things. Not many people have clear memories under the age of 5 so I think you and she will be just fine.

[michelleseashell]

Hello just wanted to add some more support for you. You're very brave to start this thread. I have to tell you, I could've written your thread title myself a hundred times over this year if I was as brave as you. Do let us know how you get on.

[michelleseashell]

Oh and thank you for starting this thread. I know it's not about me, but reading it and all the messages of support for you has made me feel a bit less alone on an unhappy day.

[TadlowDogIncident]

YANBU. I hate it - really hate it. I love DS, but God the day to day stuff is a grind. I work FT and life is basically a treadmill. I'm working, or I'm fielding DS, or I'm doing domestic chores, or I'm sleeping (and I don't get to do enough of that). Nothing in my life at the moment is actually any fun. I think the early years just are a horrendous grind, especially if you get a child who doesn't sleep well and you don't have a lot of support.

I also think what you're feeling is normal for a person who doesn't like child-centred activities (and it does sound as though you're putting far too much pressure on yourself to be perfect). I agree with the posters above who suggested including your DD in things that you like doing, rather than always being focused on what she likes.