To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

[socialhandgrenade]

I would echo what a lot of the other posters have said. I have had depression and know what it feels like to be going through the motions of motherhood, but feeling nothing inside, except the burden of guilt and responsibility.

My first bout of depression (pre-children) was triggered IMO by not having recovered properly from glandular fever but pushing myself to perform at my usual standard at Uni. Anti-depressants really helped, but CBT to learn more helpful mental habits also really helped me later. It may be that your glandular fever has just tipped you over and now you need a little help to get better.

[WhoahThere]

Just a brief one to say a huge well done - so brave to acknowledge your feelings and post. I'll be watching for an update, good luck.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Wrt your current doctor, if he is great with dd I think you can keep him as her doctor and just register with a different surgery for yourself.

[Popbiscuit]

Just to say that what you're describing sounds like PND to me. Lots of us have been there and have had feelings like this. It can go on for a long time and you don't always know that you're suffering from it. Sometimes it's just all too much, isn't it? 5-6 years is IMO a really tricky age. They are very mobile and starting to exercise their will but still babies in so many ways. It really does get easier when they get to 8, 9, 10 as they start to become lovely little people and aren't so physically needy and have matured a little emotionally and in terms of independence. I have three and my middle one is
6 and a real handful at the moment. He's quite exhausting and has this insatiable need to be social which I have a really hard time satisfying because I'm quite introverted. If he was my only child I think it would be much harder because he would rely on me solely for companionship instead of going off to bother his brother and sister from time-to-time. I find that it's really helpful to have a constant round of playdates going as he really thrives on that. I know it's hard when you're working full-time but if there are children nearby perhaps you could arrange things for evenings/weekends?
Also; not everyone enjoys babies and small children and that's okay. No guilt. I'm betting you will have a great relationship with your daughter as she gets to be a bit older. Some people are much better with older children and teenagers; you might be one of them.
Do try to talk to your GP about how you're feeling and in the meantime, it sounds like you're trying really hard to be a great mum. I'm sure your daughter knows that. X

[whoneedssleepanyway]

I definitely think you are depressed, you have some classic symptoms:

1. your feelings of guilt you describe
   
2. your irrational fears of something terrible happening to your DD
   
3. the need to go overboard doing all the right things
   
4. the worrry about her knowing you feel this way
   
   I think you should see a doctor, if not your GP the re-register somewhere else. I had terrible depression and anxiety after DD2 and I did a course of cognitive behaviour therapy and take ADs and am a different person, I love her to bits and really like her too (I had feelings of utter hatred towards her when she was a baby...)
   
   Please get some help as it doesn't have to be this way.

[Pudding2be]

Please go and speak to someone who is specialised in post natal depression.

My mothers PND was never treated (it wasn't really back then) and 30 odd years later she is still in meds, and has a social worker and a psychiatrist, not to mention the ups and downs over the years. She will always have this support for the rest of her life

If she was treated sooner she may not be in the situation she is now. I wouldn't want you to be in the same position, you have a good chance if coming through this because you recognise something isn't right.

[Maggie1973]

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You sound like a wonderful mother, even though you don't feel like you are. I would urge you to go and see your GP, as it sounds like you may have PND that has gone undiagnosed. I have felt exactly the way you're feeling, I hated being pregnant and just didn't feel any bond with my son. It was only when I went to see my GP that I was diagnosed with PND. My son is now 7 and our relationship is great, I wouldn't be without him.

You also need to be happy with yourself. You should make the most of the time when your daughter is with her father, go and see friends and spend some quality time with your partner. I hope things work out for you. x

[kerstina]

Your post really got me thinking. I really think you are trying to hard to be a perfect parent I get the impression you are sacrificing your happiness for the sake of your daughter. As others have said do more stuff you fancy doing and get her to fit in with that rather than just doing child centred activities. You sound like you are being a professional nanny or childminder rather than an average bad tempered mom !
I liked the baby stage and early years and find it more challenging being mom to a 9 year old so we are all different and you will probably appreciate your daughter as she matures and becomes less dependent. My son hurt his back the other day cried for the first time in ages and i loved the fact he wanted a cuddle and fuss from me as he doesn't need it anymore !
Thinking back to his child hood what i loved most was picnics with friends the kids just go and play and adults chat. Do you think you might enjoy that ?

[Ripeberry]

Stop trying to be perfect! Just enjoy the company of this little person in your life. Chill!

[eslteacher]

I really feel for you, even though I am not a mother myself. I'm a stepmother though, and I wonder if some of the issues are the same...having to fill a mother-like role and try to be the "perfect" (step)parent for the sake of the child, but without actually experiencing the maternal love and/or a sense of gratitude....going through a routine but really just craving more of your own time and space...

From what you have written, I think that maybe you would feel a lot better if you sometimes put yourself before your daughter, establish some times and activities that are just for you. Do you really have to let her help with the cooking every time she wants to? Why not just sometimes say no? She's old enough to play on her own sometimes - make it clear that there are times she has to entertain herself because you have important mum-things to do. You deserve some of your own time and space, and maybe you just aren't getting enough. I can imagine how guilty you might feel "rejecting" your daughter at times if you need a moment for yourself, but surely there's nothing inherently wrong with that and if it ultimately makes you a happier, more contented person then your daughter is going to benefit in the long-run.

[fruitloafrocks]

hatebeingmummy, hi only just had time to check back in.

In response to your question, I think yes. My eldest is a really sensitive boy and picks up on other people's feelings easily. I guess this could be his personality but I wonder if it is a result of the way I was. He is a worrier too and likes reassurance, again, did I create this or would he have been like this anyway? Impossible to know I guess but on my bleaker days I like to beat myself up about it.

My second son, no. He is very sensitive too but much more laid back, he was too little I think to be affected by me, I also feel I connected/bonded? with him better. He was about 12 months old when I first decided to get some help.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly at a really difficult time in my life (taking exams for degree, leaving abusive exH, father had recently died) and with hindsight I think this had a big impact on my acceptance of my son when he arrived. Some of these things I am only just starting to process, which is mostly my own fault as I tend to just stick my head in the sand and deny there is anything wrong (hence it taking 3 years to go to a doctor).

Because of the way I felt I used to make extra effort to 'do' lots of stuff with them, to almost make up for hating being a mum, and at some points I did hate it. I also think I was expecting motherhood to be a wonderful thing, full of baby joy and floaty-ness so was hit hard by the brick wall of reality.

When I first sought help, I was adamant I didn't want counselling or antidepressants so was offered a course on Post-natal depression, it lasted 6 weeks and really gave me an insight into my thought cycles and how behaviour begets feelings and thoughts - and what a spiral this can be, up or down. This wasn't enough for me (I think I was just so out of kilter knowing the whys and wherefores of PND wasn't enough to pull myself out) and I finally gave in and accepted antidepressants. I took them for quite a while but I can honestly say they saved me. Not at first as I felt they were a sure sign of failure, but slowly and surely I started to feel and connect.

My boys are now 5 1/2 and almost 4 years, I probably overcompensate a bit now as they get loads of cuddles which I put all my love into to make up for all those I gave them without feeling. I have also stopped doing so much with them so I'm not so exhausted by them. They seem to have put it behind them so I try to aswell.

Please don't get me wrong I am far from floaty-ness and wonder - quite a lot of the time I find them tediously annoying and demanding - BUT I no longer hate being a mum, or them for expecting something from me that I just can't feel.

Well done for researching counsellors, this is a great step. Kids are amazingly resilliant, I think your daughter is and will be fine, but you do need to sort this out for both of you.

Phew, sorry didn't realise I'd write so much. I hope it helps.

[FigsAndWine]

hatebeingmummy your OP made me cry! I felt so much of what you describe in DD's early years. It can get better, it does get better, you can get better! I don't doubt for a second that you have depression at the moment (probably PND), and I don't doubt for a second that you do love your DD, it's just hidden under the depression, the thankless grind of motherhood, and the crushing feeling that however much you play the perfect mum, you're not giving her what she needs. Please go and see the female GP you've mentioned, and get some counselling, some meds if need be. I don't see any reason why your DD would feel unloved; you are giving her masses of attention and children are pretty self centred at that age; she's not likely to be analyzing or even noticing your feelings most of the time.

I found parenting a small child incredibly difficult. I was always crap at doing the baby talk, toddler talk, playing, etc. My DD is now 8, and I enjoy her so much more now. She's interesting, funny, infuriating, challenging, and I can hold proper conversations with her. Some people really don't get on with small children, and I bet you're one of them. The fact that you get on better with your DSD is very telling too; I think that's a sign that a)you relate better to older children, and b)part of your 'lack of feeling' for DD is based on your crushing sense of responsibility and pressure to be a perfect parent. Deal with these unrealistic pressures, and I think the love for your DD will shine through.

I second the advice to buy a wii fit - guilt free because it's active and they're improving their coordination, and you can sit on the sofa drinking wine shouting encouragement whilst leafing through a magazine or whatever, and relax a bit instead of being super-mum!

Please keep coming on here for support, and ffs ignore notherstupidillconsideredremark You were very brave to post this.

[RufusTFirefly]

Please forgive someone who's not a mum for contributing to this. I am drawing on my memories of being a child to do so. OP you talk about doing things with your DD, teaching her, cooking with her even when you'd prefer to cook alone, playing with her. You don't mention lashing out at her, physically or verbally, no matter how trapped she sometimes makes you feel, and you worry about her and give her a kiss when she's in bed, asleep. I'd say you care about her a lot and are a good mum. Mine didn't want me and was cruel. You are emphatically not cruel, but someone striving to do a good job and managing to the majority of the time, showing your DD love even if you don't think you feel it.

I've got a shrewd suspicion you might have PND - sounds like what my aunts had and that went on for a while after birth. Is there another Gp in the practice you could see, if your elderly one might not be the best choice? Or the HV/Practice Nurse in the first instance? (not sure how these things work). Or even change surgeries? (NHS Direct can advise).

I wish you all the best and hope things improve soon. (must to to bed now, exhausted and struggling with the old Black Dog a bit myself so sending you good vibes...)

[Doitnicelyplease]

Good that you are getting some professional help. I agree with others who said you should learn to chill a bit and give up on your idea of a 'perfect' mother - trying to fit educational experiences into every aspect of life is just too exhausting, your DD won't be damaged just because you say no to things if YOU don't feel like doing them occasionally.

Good luck with everything.

[hatebeingmummy]

Thank you so much for all the replies since yesterday. It's so strange to read that I am too perfect! I genuinely thought/think I'm useless. Because I think that the love bit is the most important bit and that I'm just doing all this other stuff because I can't give her what a mother really should.
But thanks to you lot I'm already thinking outside of this. I do think that children are very intuitive so still worry that she knows I don't enjoy her, but I have spent some time thinking about what DD's life looks like through her eyes and it's actually not all that bad

Maybe this isn't about her at all... I'm sure the counselling will help me get to the bottom of it.

In response to what my own mother is like. she is literally the most selfless, kindest woman alive who genuinley cherishes every moment she spent with my sister and I, and now her grandchildren, in fact any babies/ children. She helps out in children's homes and thinks voluntarily... in fact people do joke with me about how I could ever compete with her. So that probably doesn't help!
Saying that though, everyone thinks I'm amazing with my DD, because I put so much effort in... that's quite hard because I feel ike a fraud. hence me only having talked to my partner about this.
I told him about the councelling and he says it's a good idea, he's even said he'll have DD for me on the alternate saturdays that she is with us so that i can go at the same time every week.

[FigsAndWine]

Blimey, no wonder you feel like this - what a woman to live up to!

Now what would really make me laugh is if you had a very frank conversation with your mum in which she revealed that in fact she felt exactly as you did to start with, and that she felt like a fraud for acting like the perfect mum whilst feeling that she was getting it all wrong and not 'feeling the lurve'.... That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest!

Even if all of her selfless kindness is entirely natural and not due to a conscious effort on her part, I find it ironic that people probably say the exact same things about you, and view you as a paragon of motherhood, whilst you are feeling so dead inside.

I really agree that love is as love does. It takes more love, imo, to keep a kind tone and a smile on your face when you're screaming 'oh just leave me the fuck alone!' inside than it does when you're enjoying your child's company. The fact that you do all of these things for your DD's welfare and happiness IS love; please do get some help so that you can see that and relax inside yourself.

[banana87]

Please print your post and take it to your GP. PLEASE.

What you are feeling is NOT normal, and I think you need help. Now.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Perhaps your mother has never talked to you about the difficult bits so you think you aren't supposed to have any difficult bits?

I remember when I was in my 20s my mother saying how much she loved me and how proud and fond she was of me but goodness I was bloody hard work and that's why there is 7 years between me and DSis! She said that if she hadn't put a huge amount of effort into occupying and stimulating me I would have ended up a hooligan (I was a hyperactive pain in the arse bright and inquiring child by all accounts! )

I think as a result I entered motherhood expecting it to be a hard slog at times.

[Olifin]

Interesting that some posters say this isn't 'normal'. I think it depends on your definition... It's not desirable, because you're miserable. But it's certainly 'normal' if we mean common. As you can see from this thread, it certainly isn't just you.

I have been there, on and off for the past 6 years (since DC1 was born). I have never been a natural mother; not very maternal. I am also very very bored and irritated by doing activities with the children. Unlike you though, I haven't often gone through the motions. I really admire you for providing so many opportunities and experiences for your DD despite your own feelings.

I have had a course of CBT and have been on anti-depressants for the past 18 months; I only wish I hadn't left it so long to get treatment.

These days, I'm still not jumping for joy but I'm much more ok than I used to be. I still don't love motherhood although I do (and always have) loved my children. But it's tolerable and I am more relaxed and stable. I am another one enjoying the children more as they get older and more independent. My counsellor made me see that it's ok to not love small children or find them interesting, even when you're their parent!

I will stop rambling in a minute. In a nutshell, I think you're normal but I also don't think you have to feel this way.

[stilldazed]

I think this is the sadist post I have ever read on mumsnet and I've read a lot!

my heart breaks for your little girl and for you.

I just hope things get better for you both.

[hatebeingmummy]

Another thing that has been playing on my mind is something someone said to me recently about how by the time a child is 5 they are already shaped in to what they will become as adults. As in, their expereinces up until that time detirmine how they will turn out.

I'm sure it's just one theory amoungst many but at the time when he said it I was nodding and smiling and inside thinking "Fuuuuuck!!" it's too late!

But it seems from reading some of these posts that if I start to enjoy her more as she grows up, there may be time yet for us to be close.

I think I'd be pretty sad for my mum if she has felt like this for 30 years!

[fedupofnamechanging]

OP, if that is the case (and I'm not convinced), your dd will turn out fine. She has had a mummy who spends time with her and is concerned that she has all the 'right' experiences during childhood. Everything you do is designed to give her a positive childhood. it's incredibly sad that you are not enjoying the experience, but the fact remains that you have taken incredibly good care of her.

[kerstina]

Yes I think you will be able to get really close and enjoy doing things together especially as you have a girl ! I love my son to bits but we don' t have much in common at the moment he loves play station, nintendo, playing on scooter ect. He does not want to do craft stuff with me (perhaps occasionally). He drove me mad on holiday as I love the sea and going for walks but he just wanted to scoot around the caravan site with his mate. He ruined my walks by the sea by whinging !!!