To hate motherhood..?

[hatebeingmummy]

I just do... DD is now 5 and a half and I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt any kind of reward from this thankless, hopeless job.

I do everything exactly as I should, for example, we read together every night and at the weekend we practice her maths etc, I make sure she eats healthily, when we shop together I let her count out the food and we work out how much it costs together, I take her to the park, teach her about nature, provide a good example of being caring and kind and well mannered, discipline her appropriatly (pretty much to the letter of Supernanny law) she has everything material that she could need, but isn't at all spoiled... etc etc...

But I just don't like her, and I don't like me as a mum either. I find her very needy and demanding, she clings on to my legs sometimes and i feel like I'm being suffocated. If I'm cooking in the kitchen she always wants to help and I let her because obviously it's really good for kids to be able to learn like that but I hate every minute of it and when I see that she has noticed I'm cooking and will want to help my heart just sinks.

I suppose I can say I do love her. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact I often can't sleep for worrying about something terrible happening to her (ridiculous things like her being abducted or getting lukemia or if I died and she was alone) I have to go in to her room and hug and kiss her and say sorry for not enjoying the day with her (obviously she's asleep and doesnt know) but then the next day comes and it's just another day of hard work and no reward.

I suppose my biggest worry is that she knows how I feel. Could she?

My partner (not her dad) says I am an amazing mum (which I am on paper) and that she couldn't possibly know how I feel. But i think that surely you'd know?

She spends every other weekend at her dad's, I look forward to this time immensley but when it comes I just feel guilty and miss her.

Two minutes in to getting her back I am frustrated again and wanting my own space.

I hated pregnancy, I hated labour, I loathed the baby stage. so It's always been this way.

it's come to a head this morning because something just snapped in me when she complained about what i put in her lunch box and I just started sobbing. I cried for about an hour and only just about managed to stop when we had to leave for school. She has never seen me like that. She went to her room when I started crying and eveentually came out having made me a poster covered in hearts saying how much she loves me and she's sorry I don't feel well.... I told her it was very sweet and gave her big cuddle. She seemed really pleased with herself that I had liked it but honestly.... I felt nothing

I know I'm a horrible person, I should never have had her really. I fell pregant by accident and hadn't been with her dad that long. I was going to have a termination but when it came to it I was a bit too squeemish and worried about the proceedure. I'd also already told my mum and my partner and a few friends and they were all leaning towards me having the baby.

Reading that back I sound so young! But I am actually 32. I'm intelligent with a good eductaion/career etc so although I come across as a confused bimbo I'm really not.

No one knows this is how I feel apart from my partner.

So AIBU? Does anyone else out there feel like this?? (sorry so long)

[NiecieTheTerminator]

You are not a horrible person, honestly you aren't. I reckon we all feel like that a bit sometimes. It is relentless and children can be clingy and needy and totally unappreciative.

But to feel like that all the time isn't normal. I have to agree that I think you might be depressed too, quite possibly, if it has been like this from birth, its post natal depression or even antenatal depression. You need expert help from a doctor. Hopefully they would refer you to counselling so you can discuss your feelings because I don't think you are going to forget your feelings even if they eventually change. You need help in learning to think about yourself as a mother in a more positive and realistic way.

I agree with ZZZenAGain - enjoy your weekends off rather than feeling guilty. Why are you feeling guilty anyway? You are doing the best by your DD by letting her have time with her dad, assuming he is a decent dad and she likes going there. Look at it another way, don't feel guilty, feel proud that you are helping them have a relationship.

Take no notice of notherdaynotherdollar - she is obviously the perfect mother. Most of us aren't and that is normal. Trying to the perfect mother is a recipe for disaster imo. Be kind to yourself.

[justlookatthatbooty]

if your gp isn't supportive keep looking around. Don't let that stop you. Google, go to the library, look up and read about PND and depression, even if you're not sure that you are suffering from either. Taking active steps to help yourself will make you feel better and that positivity will lead to greater positivity.

[Oggy]

I know you are doing ALL the right things as a mother on paper, but I think if you want to stand a chance to enjoy it you need to relax a bit about the being a perfect mother bit.

For example, while what you're doing is brilliant, it wouldn't be the end of the world to suggest she reads a book or watches a spot of television while you cook instead of letting her help you every time.

Could you organise some play dates with friends? Guessing she is an only child, so perhaps with lots of playdates with friends she will be a bit less needy of you?

Also, now she is older there must be some things you can do together taht you will both enjoy. I enjoy my son MUCH more now he has reached this stage. We are both board game nuts so getting a board game out means we can both be doing something we enjoy and it isn't a compromise (don't know if you are into board games) bu there myst be other interests that you can both share?

[reallytired]

You are not evil, but I agree with other posters that you need to see your GP.

My granmother had postnatal depression for 54 years! It will not go way without help. Postnatal depression blights the lives of entire families.

Prehaps its your lifestyle that you do not love rather than your little girl. Do you work? Do you enjoy your job?

[fruitloafrocks]

You poor thing. I felt like this for four years after my first DS was born. I had post-natal depression which wasn't diagnosed until after my second DS was born.

Everything you describe, the sense of pretending to be a 'mother' but feeling guilty for not 'feeling' it, to the anxiety at night about something happening to your child, these were all symtoms of my depression.

I think you should talk to your GP or HV about how you feel. With help I have now recovered, although it has taken a while, but I thoroughly enjoy being with my children now and feel like a proper mother.

I realise I now feel like everyone else does when they have their babies, it has just taken me longer to get here. I do have regrets that I didn't get help sooner as I 'missed' the first years of my DS's lives but I am now grateful for every day with them and try not to beat myself up about this.

You need to speak to someone as soon as you can, I appreciate this is easier said than done (it took me three years!) but there are people out there that can help you feel more connected to your life.

[Oggy]

OP, you don't say whetehr you are working or now at the moment. If not, maybe going back towork would help to give you a feeling of your own life seperate to being a mum?

[kat2504]

Perhaps you are spending too much time worrying about being a "good mum" and all the things you "ought" to be doing and this is preventing you from just being able to relax and enjoy time with your daughter? All the guilt and anxiety can't be good for you.
Do you have friends with children a similar age? I was wondering if perhaps you are feeling a bit isolated as a parent and don't have a good support network and don't see that others struggle at times too and that is why you are giving yourself such a hard time?

See a different doctor if you aren't happy approaching your usual GP. Depression is treatable if that is what the problem is.

[SnapesMistress]

You say you loathed the baby stage, is it slightly easier now? It may be that you just dislike small children and it will get progressively better and easier the older she gets. One day you will have a beautiful adult daughter and you'll think it was worth it.

[HairyGrotter]

What a brave post, I can identify with many factors, although mine are just fleeting, I couldn't imagine living every moment like that.

I would definitely look into getting referred by your GP for some further investigation into the possibility of PND.

Thousands and thousands of women feel this, it's just such a taboo which causes it to be even worse!!

I'm not a natural mother, or maternal to others.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I agree that you are likely depressed and have low self esteem - I see nowhere in your post that you give yourself credit for any of what you do.

I also think you focus on your daughter too much - where is you and your desires in this ? You need to find something for you and not just about 'mothering'.

Your child will be fine, you are loving her well. It's you that's not fine - you need some help, please consider counselling.

if you had more balance in your life - maybe some work/voluntary work/classes , anything - then maybe you wouldn't feel like you had to be perfect at this.

[Cheria]

God I feel so sorry for you you must feel awful.

notherday your comments aren't very helpful to someone who is obviously distressed and I happen to believe that you are wrong.

OP I don't think you shoudl ever admit your feelings to your daughter even when she is an adult. But you are doing everything right so take the pressure of yourself somehow, and get help.

[mollyt]

notherdaynotherdollar have you thought about becoming a counsellor? i'm sure you'd be really sympathetic and useful to people asking for help.

op - I soooo know how this feels - have posted similar on here - maybe you should speak to your gp - but this is not the complete answer because you will no doubt be given ad's and offered counselling (in 6 months time due to waiting list) - and you may get ad side effects and then see another gp and have no continuity etc etc - so make an appointment by all means but maybe think a bit more holistically too???

maybe you just aren't cut out for this part of mother hood - they are soo soo needy at this age - maybe when she's 7 or 8 and can do stuff like clubs, brownies,cinema etc you can enjoy more time together rather than just tolerate hr and get through the day??

i met a bloke whilst on hols this year who said he hated the first ten years of fatherhood but now really into it - now that he can take them for proper hikes,bike rides,adventures etc.
he was refreshing to chat to and made me think that its maybe easier for a bloke to acknowledge this than a woman??

I also read 'playful parenting' recommends getting on the floor and playing for 15 mins doing summat they love even if you hate it and loads of good practical strategies for briding the gap between you and child.

maybe your ot a natural mother -i'm certainly not - but by god you're trying very hard and not just chucking expensive toys/telly at her (i don't mean literally)

there is a lot of shmaltz and crap spouted about motherhood - maybe go back to work (if you aren't already) and get more perspective and be ding summat for you??

hope this helps.good luck.there's no quick fix or easy answer is there???

[Meglet]

I find it pleasant about 5% of the time. The rest of it is fucking gruelling.

I love my dc's to bits, I just wish we had more time / better behaviour to enjoy them.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Maybe you have too high expectations of yourself? I love my daughter to bits and miss her like mad if we are apart.

But its bloody hard work running around after her all day and its certainly not sweetness and light the whole time! There are certain moments of genuine pleasure in her company but a lot of the time it feels like quite a long slog doing everything needed to get through the day - getting up, dressed, breakfast, clean hands teeth, washing, breakfast, playing with her, taking her out, doing the shopping, doing lunch, reading to her, making sure she gets exercise and fresh air, doing her supper, bath and bedtime and all the time trying to be a responsible, responsive, loving, warm, but firm and authoritative and fair parent ! Having written all that down the mind boggles really!

Its a heck of job.

Agree with the other person that says that love is an action as well as feeling. You are loving her by being a responsive caring parent and giving a damn. That feeling that someone cares enough about you to care for you properly is very important for a child's self worth. So many poor little children have parents who dont give a monkeys, your DD is lucky she has a mother who is always trying to do her best, in fact it sounds you are doing more than your best - you certainly have higher standards than me ! (My DD's currently in front of TV at midday! )

I think most mothers feel moments of love and pride for their child but most of the time the love is expressed in the action of caring for their child and most of us are counting down the hours till bedtime!

Same with DH's/DPs - I mean I love mine to bits and would be lost without him, but I don't spend all day pondering on how much I love him and feeling romantic etc.

[RedRubyBlue]

Are there any things you enjoy doing with your DD? Swimming, feeding the ducks, going to the cinema?

Does she have any activities outside the home like a dance class that she would enjoy and give you a little space?

Just a thought.

[RunningAllDay]

I am really sorry for you and your daughter. It's very sad, and you sound like you are doing a great job at being a mum. Yes, all mums have moments where it seems interminably dull or difficult, but they do pass. To have that relentlessly weighing on you is hard to imagine, and I don't think quite normal - so I would strongly agree with the other posters about seeing someone professionally.

In the end, your daughter may start to notice your feelings as she gets older and more perceptive and may realise that the problem is yours, rather than hers. You may not have wanted the pregnancy, but you did have it, and she has to live with it, as well as you. None of it is her fault. So please get yourself some help, for her sake!!

All the very very best.

[curlytoes]

I don't think you sound like a horrible person or a bad mum. You sound like an amazing mum. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. I think you deserve to be proud of yourself and happier. I am often tired, stressed, bored or frustrated. Parenting is hard. But I am often amused, content or happy too. I find I enjoy being a mum best when I'm sharing the job with DH. When I can sit back, drink a coffee and watch them play then I remember how amazing the children are. When I'm alone being the organiser, entertainer, chef, disciplinarian and everything else it can be too busy to enjoy. If you're not with your DDs father do you get shared time like this with family or friends? I also need time away from the kids or I go mad and I don't feel one speck guilty about this. Please don't feel guilty for needing to have non-mum time. I don't know what your next step should be, GP or counselling or doing something new for yourself but I think you should be kinder to yourself.

[hatebeingmummy]

proudandscary AND I work full time, they'd love that! you made me smile, thanks.

Thanks for all the comments, I'm sorry i can't reply individually but a few things... I do get a fair bit of time to myself as she is at her dad's every other weekend. I do work hard and I can get tired but I have quite a good amount of time to myself I would say... well, if i compare myslef to a SAHM who is with the father of her children. When do they get any time alone? I have a friend with 4 children who's partner works away from home - she has more joy from motherhood in the first 10 minutes of her day than I have all month. So Idon't think it's a "poor me I don't have time for myself" thing.

justlookatthatbooty Your post made me think about being able to be happy and a mum. i suppose I just don't understand how that is possible. When people with children say they are excited because they have a holiday booked I just think... how can you be lookingforward to spending an entire week with them?!

drumlin thanks for your honest too. Do you feel that way all of the time?

justaboutstillhere you mademe cry.. in a good way I think. Can i have the monk's telephonenumber?

I do enjoy my job, I do enjoy the rest of my life. But the mum thing does over shadow it. She couldn't live with her dad as although he is great fun and actually more of a nature parent than me I suppose, he is irresponsible, and likes going out drinking far too much to have her living there. he often gets babysitter even though he only has her 2 days out of 14. It would be neglectful to send her there. I also think that as she's always lived with me, it would be confusing if mummy didn't want her anymore... assuming she doesn't realise I actually don't want her now.

I have taken the step to Google some local concellors and will book an appointment today.

Fruitloaf You have given me great hope. I know it is a personal question and Im sorry but do you think you're children have been affected at all by your feelings at the start?

[JosieRosie]

OP, you sound like you're doing a very good job as a mum - your little girl sounds happy and secure. You sound utterly miserable though - I'm so sorry you're going through this You are certainly not the only parent who feels this way and you have been very honest here so well done.

I agree with what other posters say about counselling - you need to find a way to manage your feelings and balance your needs with your daughter's needs. If you don't trust your GP to be supportive, I would try to see another doctor instead. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself

[Georgimama]

I have to say I find DS really really hard work at the moment (he's 4.5). Perhaps this stage of parenting is just hard going for you, it is for me although I adore him and I sometimes have those dreadful intrusive thoughts you describe about what it would be like if I lost him.

[YaMaYaMa]

Poor you, OP. I agree with Oggy that you dont have to be 'on' all of the time to be a good mum - you dont need to constantly stimulate, nurture and entertain your daughter and you shouldnt feel bad for wanting to just get the dinner ready with as little faffing as possible.

If you were a bad mum you wouldnt give a toss about all of the things you mention, and I doubt you'd have the insight to worry about everything to the extent that you are.

You do sound depressed though and your expectations of yourself sound incredibly high. I havent had PND but I have read posts on here from women who have had it saying pretty much what you are; going through the motions, ticking the boxes and meeting their child's needs but not feeling it.

I do suffer from anxiety though and one of the symptoms of that is going over and over possible terrible things that could happen to people I love, like you are about your daughter.

Hope things get better soon.

[hatebeingmummy]

I'm sorry, I X posted with many there.

I need to do a little work but will be back. Thank you all so much for your help it really has lifted me today and I'm pleased I have now decided to have some councelling before it is too late.

In repsonse to those asking if there is anything I can do with her that i enjoy - I'm going to be honest as io strated that way - No, there isn't. I don't enjoy playing games, going swimming, the park, flying a kite, going to the cinema, doing puzzles, messy time.. I do all those things and I smile while I'm doing them but i don't enjoy it at all

[JosieRosie]

Forgot to say, my friend's mum told her when she was grown-up that she HATED the first 10 years of being a mum! Hated every minute. My friend had no awareness of this while she was growing up at all and remembers her mum as being lovely