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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
memphis83 · 14/09/2011 12:34

Good luck with telling the SIL, He is your baby so if she goes in a huff so be it, I left DS at 6 weeks overnight for a (no children)wedding we left as late as possible and returned by 6am the next morning as I was so upset, I cried and cried and cried, I hated leaving him, up until then I felt worried when DH even took him for a walk so tell her no and relax and enjoy your DS.

With regards to the wedding, could he go for the day then one of your relatives take him at tea time so you can enjoy the hotel?
Also witht the dog, keep him at arms length and try and relax around him, he will feel your tension.
When you said about IL's being at the hospital, being induced could take days, We were only allowed 2 visitors on the mat ward per visiting time so we couldnt get inundated with visitors and they were not allowed onto delivery suite, hopefully your hospital is the same so you dont have someone peeping around the door Grin Good luck with everything and relax :)

Elderberries · 14/09/2011 12:36

Why oh why are your family in law making decisions about your baby and where and when it will go to things like weddings and be around dogs?

IT IS NOT UP TO THEM! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BABY.

Fuck not upsetting them. They have planned what will happen to your baby if he cries in the wedding, what he will wear, where he will go. Total Bollocks.

You and your husband decide what happens to your son. No one else.

I'm not being mean but you must stand up for yourself and your baby. You have to practice saying NO without apology.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:40

Bart But those little knitted jumpers are adorable! :)

I hope everything goes well with you and your baby.

Memphis I have now sorted the wedding. My Gran is going to take him during the reception and take him home to her house. I'm quite happy with this arrangement and so is she. :)

With the dog, I will be keeping as much distance as possible until it is realised his behaviour needs to change.

And with the hospital... You're only allowed 2 birthing partners but people can wait in the hallway! Hmm

I'm hoping this isn't going to happen as I want some nice alone time with my snuggly newborn and don't really like the idea of people being around right after the birth while I'm topless trying to establish BF!

OP posts:
LadyMontdore · 14/09/2011 12:40

Dogsbest - I agree that with friends you can't ask people to keep the dog out of the room but with grandparents I think you can, especially if they don't have the manners to do it themselves. For example the baby may well want to lie on a mat on the floor - this is clearly not appropriate with this particular dog. OP will literally have to hold the baby all the time otherwise. I quite often have to ask my ILs to put their dog out at meal times or my baby feeds the dog rather than itself. I can't really put the baby in the garden for meals and she's too young to understand not to feed the dogs and the dog is too young to resist temption. It's no one's fault but weaning and dogs isn't a good mix!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:42

Elderberries You are completely right and I do need to take a stand now.

Me and DP are meeting with his family later and we're going to talk about it as it's obviously making me more stressed thinking about it and I really am in a position right now where I don't need the extra stress.

Now that everything is written down I realise how fucked up it is...

OP posts:
marfisa · 14/09/2011 12:43

Google 'babymoon'. Tell SIL and DP that you're having one.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:46

That is a brilliant idea! We had been thinking about something like this but didn't know anyone actually did it. :)

Perfect excuse!

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 14/09/2011 12:47

Yess PO, go for a 'babymoon' Smile

LoveInAColdClimate · 14/09/2011 12:48

YANBU.

Your SIL is a loon.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:52

The babymoon idea does sound fab and after months of being miserable could be a great pick me up. :)

Also great way to avoid having too many visitors too soon...

Liking this idea more and more.

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:53

LoveInAColdClimate My DP agrees. Wink

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 14/09/2011 12:54

Totally weird and unreasonable of her to expect this Confused

LoveInAColdClimate · 14/09/2011 12:56

Clearly a sensible man, SchrodingersMew. A babymoon sounds like a very wise plan.

mumeeee · 14/09/2011 12:59

YANBU. You need time to bond with your new baby in the first weeks not someone to take him off of you for the day. I

kat2504 · 14/09/2011 12:59

When you have the baby, agree with your DP that he will NOT contact them until the baby is born. The last thing you need is them hovering around the hospital while you are in labour. When the baby is born, then he can call them with the good news and let them know what time visiting hours are. Otherwise they will be a right pain when you have first had him and want to enjoy those special first moments together!

Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 13:02

I am with the YADNBU and glad you are going to find the courage to put your foot down with your overbearing ever so helpful SIL.

SurprisEs · 14/09/2011 13:04

I didn't tell anyone I was in labour. Once it was done and over with I called the relevant people and told them baby was born. I didn't want the fuss. I wanted peace.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 13:05

I've made DP agree to not let anyone know I am in labour. I doubt people will be happy about that but it is the right decision. :)

OP posts:
Rhian82 · 14/09/2011 13:06

I insisted that no one visited at all until DS was a week old! (we live a long way from our families though so it would be staying for days rather than popping in for an hour).

I struggled with breastfeeding at first so spent a lot of time sat on the couch topless. It was what we needed but not really something that would work with family round unless you're very relaxed!

Highlander · 14/09/2011 13:22

You and your DP need a mind shift. The centre of your family unit is you, your DP and the baby. All the decisions you make prioritise this family unit, NOT the extended family.

People do tend to treat newborns like the new family puppy, and the sense of entitlement in terms of just pitching up when they feel like it and hauling the baby out of the pram for a cuddle is ghastly.

Visitors come only when invited, and that includes family. You may want to show off your new baby when in hospital, you might not want visitors for a week. For a first time mum, it's hard to explain how utterly physically and emotionally overwhelming having a baby is. I definitely wouldn't plan on a timetable for visits until after the baby is born I.e. See you you feel.

In that vein, the focus on the first 9 months post-partum is you and the baby. You'll be exhausted, and you do whatever makes your life easier, regardless of what your SIL or baby training books say. You need to get your DP to understand this before the baby is born and defend you in the face of unwelcome 'help' and 'advice' from your ILs. From what you said, you'll be getting plenty of this when the baby arrives.

Your SIL may be used to a regimented nursery setting so I warn you now it sounds like she'll be bullying you into formula, sleep training etc etc. I predict your MIL will spout the line, 'but SIL is right, she's a nursery nurse'. And I bet she'll probably go behind your back to your DH and get you to hand the baby over to more 'experienced' hands.

Good Luck, stand firm!!

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 14/09/2011 13:29

"You need to work at establishing breastfeeding. Letting the baby go for the day will completely fuck this up. Do not do it."

Loving this^ comment! Totally agree - glad that your DP is on board, and agree that you need to put your foot down and make them realise that YOU and your DP are in charge of your son, not them - and YOU make the decisions. My step-mother can be a bit overbearing with my DCs, making plans for them, etc, and I constantly have to remind her who their mother is! It's hard, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

YellowDinosaur · 14/09/2011 13:29

YANBU. To give the benefit of the doubt sil and your ils are probably just very excited BUT they need to realise that he will be YOUR baby and that YOU say how it is.

Specifically:

Sil needs to be told that she will not ever have your ds alone for a day as a newborn and not at all until YOU are happy with it, bf or not. To quote the old MN chestnut, 'No' is a complete sentance. You do not need to give a reason. you are his mum and are not happy with it - end of.

Same goes for babysitting. No ened to alienate potentially helpful relatives BUT they must understand that babysitting will happen when YOU are ready and not to their agenda

I hear what dog trainers and dog lovers say about shutting the dog out of the room when guests are there. But I would not be taking any chances with my baby and a dog that has shown itself to be aggressive. I'd be saying to ils that if they want you to visit them then the dog cannot be in the same room as the baby and that the baby will always need to be supervised by you or your dh. That you totally understand if they are not ahppy with this as it is the dogs home but that if this is the case they will need to see your ds at your house / elsewhere and you will not be visiting.

Don't tell them when you are in labour and not until you have moved onto the postnatal ward where there are strict visiting times. Write clearly on your birthplan that under no circumstances are any visitors allowed on the delivery suite other than your dh.

Regarding all the clothes / gifts this is a more tricky one. They are being generous because they are so excited which is lovely but I too would have been upset to not be able to choose anything that I wanted for my sons. Is there anyway that you can take some of thethings back and swap them for other items you prefer or totally different things you need for your baby (like nappies / muslins / wipes etc? If they ask where is X that they bought you can either be honest about what you have done as you had so many things he wouldn't get to wear it all and you didn't want to waste it OR it could have met with a nasty poo / vomit accident the first time he wore it. It you can't take them back, and you can afford to buy stuff yourself, you could always take some things to the local womens refuge who would really appreciate it and choose some other things yourself (same excuses as above)

Practice 'NO' a lot. This is only the beginning - you will need to be assertive A LOT in the coming weeks and months if you are not going to end up being totally undermined repeatedly about your baby. There is no need to be unpleasant about this but it is important that you establish the ground rules early as it is harder to change things later. They MAY be well meaning but if it is NOT helping and making you stressed then it needs to be stopped. Getting your dh onside (get him to read this thread) will help to ensure that you aren't seen as the evil dil who is hell bent on stopping them seeing their dgs.

GOOD LUCK!!!! x

YellowDinosaur · 14/09/2011 13:34

Cross posted but couldn't agree more with Highlanders superb post. especially this bit - 'You and your DP need a mind shift. The centre of your family unit is you, your DP and the baby. All the decisions you make prioritise this family unit, NOT the extended family.'

TheOriginalFAB · 14/09/2011 13:40

Definitely don't tell anyone when you are in labour.
Don't tell anyone he has been born for as long as possible.
Practice saying no.

SeymoreButts · 14/09/2011 13:48

YANBU, could you ask her to come round and help you round the house instead? That way she gets to see the baby and be helpful too.

A friend of mine came round a fews after DD (my first DC) was born with home cooked meals for the freezer and spent the day ironing and cleaning while I fed DD and slept. It was by far the best new baby present I have ever been given!

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