to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

'Maisiethemorningsidecat' - most SAHMs know what the working world is like because most SAHMs have taken part in the working world at some point in their lives.

Of course it reasonable and fair to keep the home tidy etc (well unless you have 3 unders 5's I imagine)

But a "thank you" never goes amiss. Even if you simply bought you DH a cup of tea, out of basic human kindness you would expect a thanks.

How demoralising if people just expected cetain things and took it for granted.

Dont forget that with some jobs the SAHP is also enabling the other parent to carry out their job

Works both ways

Belgo - I'm not talking about the 'working world', I'm talking about the nitty gritty of his daily life. I don't know about you but I don't know what my DH does with his day in great detail, and he doesn't know what I do. It doesn't mean we don't appreciate each other but there are times we take each other for granted - a wee gentle reminder if we're feeling undervalued (although it's very rare) and it's back to rights.

Belgo/Coco, fair point maybe the OP does feel a lack of respect from her husband / children but I stand by my original post on this thread, if she wants things to change then she should rope the children into chores to 'show them how much she does'. And maybe she should talk to her husband about the lack of respect he shows towards her.

But if I'm honest, I think she has it very easy, and although she feels undervalued, I think she has a good deal, which I think is the reason she gets comments from her husband about having more free time. She did ask in her OP if she does too much/too little and how to get respect from that. She could do what I did - invoice her husband for childcare/cleaning services etc to show him her worth, but unlike toddlers and young children there probably isn't a need for her to be at home as much as there was, which maybe why she feels unvalued.

Very few of us know exactly what someone does in a job although I have a fair idea of what shop workers, carers and hospital workers do because I have done all those jobs. It is not necessary to know exactly what everyone else does to appreciate it.

The assumption that the OP doesn't appreciate what her dh does in his job due to the fact that she is a SAHM, is absurd.

At no point did I say that it's because she is a SAHM that she doesn't appreciate what her DH does - you have misunderstood me. If you read my last post I said the lack of appreciation or understanding of our working role is something that we all feel from time to time. Add teenagers into the mix and it becomes more so - how many teenagers consider anything beyond themselves and their needs?

Reindeer's last post is an excellent one. I think the OP certainly has to articulate that she feels undervalued and hopefully, if her Dh is a decent person, then he'll listen and act - but she has to also decide if this "never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected" is something that she really wants to continue doing, when there are so many other things out there for her.

I may have missed it, but still waiting to hear if OP makes it clear to her OP that he is valued.

I think this constant griping by SAHMs about respect and gratitude is odd. What do you want a medal! I don't know whether SAHPs think that WOHPs get lots of respect and consideration. I certainly get very little from my employer.

I go to work, I do my job. I get a bit of a bollocking if I cock up. If I do things fine, I get no particular gratitude for doing so. My boss certainly doesn't come in the office every day and say 'thanks RHP you really are doing a great job, thanks for everything.' I have tasks, I try to do them well, and that's it.

Your boss and your family are quite seperate things

I have no argument that your children need to respect you, that's a given.

However, OP seems to expect her DH to be overflowing with gratitude at the hard work she does. Where's the reward for her DH? Who's hi-fiving him and telling him how great he is?

It goes both ways. If OP doesn't like her life, she has the choices to change it. She doesn't need to work, so presumably she could take on a part time post and use the money she earns to pay for a cleaner. That way housework still gets done and she gets out of the house.

Currently she clearly has at least FIVE hours per day to do as she decides, her schedule, she is the boss. Yes she may have some housework to do, but even then, she has must have 3-4 hours a day free. She can do whatever she wants in that time. Deep down I expect she needs something more, and her husband and children giving her a pat on the back every time she irons a shirt, is not going to do it.

i think any woman who is at home and doing all the house jobs probably has times when they feel it is a never ending thankless job that is rarely appreciated. I am in a similar position having just been made redundant and to be honest feel a bit of failure at the moment. I thought I would love being at home and actually for lots of reasons I do but there is very little value attached to running a home, the family appear to take it all for granted, clean clothes just appear as does food etc, and outside the home people seem to value you by what you do as paid employment. I get lots of jokes about being a lady of dependant means wtf. the kids do little and when I challenge this I'm nagging, hubby does a bit but not much but as he works full time then this seems fair, even though when I worked I still did most of it too I am looking for a new job even part time would do as I think I need to value myself more too and there for me is the crux of the matter, I'm conditioned to feeling this way because of how society values work and guess that having some value outside the home will make me feel like a more valuable person and more respected, shouldnt be this way but hey maybe if I am still looking for work in a few months I will just get used to being home and not care. gives me lots of time for MN

belgo - "your choice" makes it sound self-indulgent, which it really isn't!

I know it's not self indulgent which is why I've never done it! It's hard enough getting them all to school on time and picking them up on time without trying to do it all twice a day!

It is still your choice though

Taking it back a step now to what the OP was talking about (i.e. the feeling of being appreciated and respected) then it should have an awful lot to do with the mutual respect and appreciation between husband and wife, regardless of who is working or who is at home. They are the example setters. If the children are always shown and told that their parents are to be thanked and treated kindly for everything that they do, then you create a culture in the household which will not leave the SAHP feeling undervalued. It's bad enough that society makes them feel like that, there is no need for their nearest and dearest to do the same.

Nail on the head welliesandpyjamas

"My choice" = not really, because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate!

Sorry, I haven't read all of the posts, but I wouldn't class the OP as a SAHM as she's not looking after children during the day. She's unemployed and doing no more in the day than other people fit around looking after children and/or employment. I wouldn't particularly respect someone for that. Sorry!

A family is more than just the working person, they provide the income but the other person has value. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect by those who claim to love them and it is horrible to suggest that you wouldn't do so because they don't meet your criteria. There is more to life than paid employment.

Op: if you staying at home is something you both agreed on then he is being especially out of order imo.

Do some people think the deserve respect, if not more than a SAHM just because they are in paid employment?

Im getting that impression

The thing is...SAHMs whose teens are in school, what do they do that's so hard? I know loads of working mums who earn money, clean their house themselves, don't have kids going off the rails and also have time to themselves. They do twice as much as SAHMs and an outsider would see the same situation in both households: kids fed and on track, less mess, fulfilled people.

I'm all for respecting SAHMs- as much as I respect anyone who gets up in the morning and earns their own life. Whether you get money at the end of the year for it or not has no bearing on that. But in terms of it being a much harder job which deserves bowing downs and constant praise, well, no. All parents deserve respect and consideration, that's the bottom line.

Well said Quirrel

I think that is all the op is asking for.

I wouldnt class the OP as a SAHM either given the children are in their teens.

Respect works both ways, does the OP respect the fact that her husband works and she can choose not to and still be financially provided for?

Housework, shopping etc are done by the majority of adults and many work full time as well. Its not that hard that it needs an adult to stay home to do it.

I feel for you. Don't care whether you're running after toddlers or not - you're trying your best to make a nice home for your family. This is your life's work and you deserve respect, appreciation and recognition from them.