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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my mum doesn't want us to stay anymore?

76 replies

frutilla · 12/09/2011 01:57

I live abroad and visit UK once a year with my family, (DH and 2 DC under 4) and stay at my mum's house. She has 2 spare bedrooms. Now she tells me she doesn't want that anymore and we must rent an apartment. This is all unexpected and I feel depressed about it...

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 12/09/2011 02:05

I would be upset too. Do you have any idea what could have caused this change of heart?

snippywoo2 · 12/09/2011 02:09

Maybe living on her own she finds it to much to cope with having four people descend on her.

Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 02:15

jabberwocky, my dad passed away several months ago...she's clearing the house out and I guess wants to clear us out too!!

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 12/09/2011 02:15

YANBU but maybe she just finds it hard to deal with. I can't stand people staying with me even if it's people I love.

Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 02:16

snippywoo2, yes it is a lot of people. I do understand. It's also very expensive renting in London plus flights (though baby is on lap).

OP posts:
Iamseeingstars · 12/09/2011 02:19

That is really sad but you must respect her wishes and not push it. She obviously has her reasons. Maybe losing your Dad is too hard on her.

Are there any other family you can ask? Do you still want to go and visit?

Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 02:26

You are right, Iamseeingstars, mustn't push it. Was thinking of going home for Xmas but don't feel very welcome if I have to stay in apt somewhere. Not very Xmassy! Considering moving back to hometown anyway so may delay things till then.

OP posts:
Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 02:35

yellowraincoat, that's true, some people don't like visitors, nothing wrong there. Just it feels like all's changed since my dad's gone. I was welcome till then, now suddenly not.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/09/2011 02:49

Much as I'm sure she loves you, your dm may simply be unable to cope with a small 'horde' descending and disrupting her usual routine at the present time.

When you stay at dm's, do you make sure that you pull your weight insofar as housework, cooking, shopping is concerned? Do you take her out for meals/family outings? Or does your mum feel that she must do everything for you and yours and be constantly in attendance?

You haven't mentioned other relatives but, as your mum has so recently been widowed, have you considered inviting her (and paying for her flight, organising a taxi to and from her departure airport etc) to spend Christmas and/or New Year with you so that you can thoroughly spoil her and, hopefully, help both of you progress through the early stages of bereavement?

Grief can distort our usual thought processes. Respect your mum's right to privacy while reassuring her that you are always 'there' for her.

savoycabbage · 12/09/2011 03:14

I am in your situation and I know for a fact that we drove my mother doolally when we stayed with her. Much as we love each other and miss each other it was all too much.

My dd's are good girls, really they are, but they need feeding three times a day and thery ask a thousand questions a day and they want to watch Charlie and Lola, not Coronation Street.

She lives alone and it not used to the extra noise and giant boxes of cereal.

We went home last Christmas and we stayed in a very very cheap Travel Lodge and spent the days with my family, as well as Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day night.

Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 03:15

izzywhizzy..yes, we do our shopping, cooking, washing and try and do things for her too, but obv can be chaotic with kids....can't invite her here as it's unsafe and we had an armed robbery recently. I think the best thing is to go ahead with her wishes and stay in an apt.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/09/2011 03:26

Do you have friends or other relatives you could stay with? Or perhaps look for a Christmas/New Year flat/housesit on gumtree that's near your mum's home?

Or maybe you could all spend Christmas in a hotel in a safe European country or in the UK? There's often good hotel deals for Christmas week and your mum will be able to retreat to her own room if she needs quiet time to rest or reflect.

I do hope that, especially this year, you will be with your dm at Christmas.

Original poster
frutilla · 12/09/2011 03:29

savoycabbage, she probs feels like your mum. It's a shame. She didn't want us to leave last time and made us stay longer and now she wants to isolate herself. The house is big enough for us to stay contained in one bit and not see her when she wants privacy, but I think it's something she's going through, so I must just be more understanding.

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 14/09/2011 01:27

She may feel that way now but I wonder if she will really like not having the whole family around at Christmas? Are you close enough to just ask her what this is all about?

SouthernFriedTofu · 14/09/2011 02:25

I wouldn't bother going home in that case. Save your money and go on a nice hoilday!

DownbytheRiverside · 14/09/2011 06:35

Does she mind the fact that you live abroad?
Would she like you to come back to the UK, especially now she is on her own?

Finallygotaroundtoit · 14/09/2011 06:44

When my MIL died, FIL avoided family gettogethers including Xmas for a few years.
It was too painful for him without her.
Could that be it?

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 06:55

I think it sounds like coping mechanism....after my Dad died my Mum spent night after night alone....she sat in the dark. Sad she couldnt seem to share it.

Your Mum may be lik Finallys MIL and find it too hard....

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 14/09/2011 06:58

I think you have to understand that this is not a rejection of you but what she feels she needs to do to cope.

I understand you must be grieving too, but try not to put any pressure on her. If she feels anxious about having visitors and noise in the house, then she will be less relaxed when you are here.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 14/09/2011 06:59

Of course, I understand that how you feel will depend on your relationship with her before now, so it's more complicated than we know

cory · 14/09/2011 08:33

She is stilll deep in the grieving process: don't take anything she says now as final. When MIL became disabled and realised she would have to go into a home she threw all her mementoes, including the photos of dh as a toddler in the bin. Totallly irrational reaction, completely out of character and she has since said how glad she is that we rummaged in the bin and took them out again. Give her a bit of space and see how thing work out.

begonyabampot · 14/09/2011 09:14

We live far away and it's difficult. My relationship with my mother was affected as it was stressful that the only time we saw each other was when we visited for days or weeks and had to be 'put up'. It's stressful all round, them, for you and for the children. I don't go home as often now as I hate feeling that you are putting people out. Saying that, i love having people stay but we always have to do the visiting and the long trips but then we chose to move away.

Original poster
frutilla · 14/09/2011 19:43

She likes my kids but isn't touchy feely. She let me struggle one handedly pushing buggy and carrying baby in sling last time I was over. I didn't say anything but she chipped in with "sorry I'm not helping but I don't do pushchairs" and when she drove me to hospital for blood test I had to have blood drawn with the baby strapped to me as she doesn't like holding other people's babies. So, feeling a bit negative... Plus, I think she is letting someone else stay next week although it's just one person.

OP posts:
Kayano · 14/09/2011 19:49

Sounds like grieving to me?

northernruth · 14/09/2011 19:49

YANBU to be upset, but try not to take it personally. Poor you, I bet you want to be near your mum at a time like this. My Mum's behaviour has been frankly bonkers since we lost my Dad 6 years ago, you just have to take a deep breath and get on with it.

Oh and remember that grief is a totally selfish emotion - she won't be thinking about AT ALL how her behaviour is affecting you - she will be lost in her own misery. As far as my mother is concerned, no one else lost anyone - she lost her husband but you wouldn't think we lost our Dad or that his sister lost her beloved brother.

Also my mother is no practical help with DD whatsoever but I have no way of knowing if this would have been the case had my father still been alive.

Sorry for your loss by the way.:(