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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my mum doesn't want us to stay anymore?

76 replies

frutilla · 12/09/2011 01:57

I live abroad and visit UK once a year with my family, (DH and 2 DC under 4) and stay at my mum's house. She has 2 spare bedrooms. Now she tells me she doesn't want that anymore and we must rent an apartment. This is all unexpected and I feel depressed about it...

OP posts:
thekidsmom · 15/09/2011 08:58

Frutilla - is it your own old family home where your mum lives now? I think I might feel differently if it were a home my mum had moved into since I'd left, iyswim.

I'd hate to feel unwelcome in the home I grew up in, but my mum lives in a bungalow now and has only 1 spare room where I stay on my own but if everyone's there (5 of us) we stay in a hotel about 3 miles away - that way sh'es not overwhelmed but we still spend most of the day at hers or out together....

TadlowDogIncident · 15/09/2011 09:10

diddl, why is it "entitlement" for the OP to feel upset that she was welcome in her parents' house (which I think is the house she grew up in, though I may have misread that) until her father died, and now she isn't? She isn't saying "AIBU to think my mother should let us all come and stay?".

diddl · 15/09/2011 09:18

Well perhaps I´ve misread, as I thought it was all about being able to stay.

Apologies if I´ve got it wrong.

Pang · 15/09/2011 09:32

Sounds like your mum maybe depressed. I can understand that you feel upset but don't give up on her. Things may settle down. It would be very sad for her to spend this 1st Xmas since your dad died on her own. Maybe she doesn't want you to stay because she feels she wont be able to keep on a jolly face the whole time because she is still grieving.

When you do come over perphaps you could spend sometime alone with her and get to the bottom of things.

banana87 · 15/09/2011 09:34

She sounds like she's grieving. Everyone deals with grief differently and perhaps she just wants to be alone? I don't think you should take it personally.

Original poster
frutilla · 15/09/2011 15:33

thekidsmom, yes it is the old childhood home, I don't think I'd be upset if it was a new place they'd moved to. That's the issue. And of course she has a right to not have me stay. It's her house now, she can do what she wants. But I can't help being upset and unfortunately there is some anger in there too so I waiver between thinking it's okay, I'll just rent an apt down the road and visit every day, and then thinking why the hell should I have to do that????

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 15/09/2011 15:44

Well, why indeed? If you don't want to go and you don't think your mother particularly wants to see you or your DC, then don't go. Do something that you and your DH and children actually want to do instead. Especially if it's going to cost you a fortune to get to the UK and rent somewhere. Does your mother come and visit you - could she do that instead? Perhaps offer so that it doesn't look as though you're trying to threaten her with not seeing her grandchildren at all.

diddl · 15/09/2011 15:45

"I'll just rent an apt down the road and visit every day, and then thinking why the hell should I have to do that????"

Have you no other friends/relatives that you could also visit?

We have to pay to stay somewhere so as it´s fairly pricey & a bit of a fuss going back we treat it as a holiday & also don´t feel obliged to see anyone for longer than we want.

Original poster
frutilla · 16/09/2011 00:27

Actually I think it would create an issue if I asked other relatives as it would look like I was criticising her behaviour (hence keeping feelings anon here...) Brother would say no, why can't you just rent, aunt and uncle would say yes but they're not in London. Have to be diplomatic so can't ask anyway.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 16/09/2011 00:35

Frutilla - I'm sorry that you've lost your dad. Is your DMs house your old family home? Perhaps you feel especially sad about your DMs request if it feels a little as if you are losing your old home and a bit of your DM at the moment as well as grieving for your dad?

If you will have to rent when you come over, is there any chance that you could rent somewhere a little different, large enough for your DM to join you all for a bit of a holiday - but on neutral territory, where she doesn't need to feel responsible for looking after you all?

Whatmeworry · 16/09/2011 00:40

Don't go home then.....

empirestateofmind · 16/09/2011 00:41

piprabbit read the thread- all this has been said (and answered).

piprabbit · 16/09/2011 00:45

Sorry Blush.

Just trying to help.

It was meant kindly Blush.

Original poster
frutilla · 16/09/2011 01:16

Thnx all. These threads sometimes get too lengthy to read! Yes it's family home and we could all meet up in another country. The issue has to be faced though so it would just be putting things off. Also I need to go home, to visit my dad's place of rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
frutilla · 16/09/2011 01:18

Home as in London...

OP posts:
diddl · 16/09/2011 06:58

I meant other people to see, not stay with-so that you have other things to do rather than visit your mum all the time-unless you want to.

TBH, if your mother doesn´t want you to stay, why should it matter if you ask someone else?

Surely they are also adults & can also sayy yes or no as they please?

Whatmeworry · 16/09/2011 08:07

Sorry, it all seems to be going round in circles to me. You want to go, go. Your mum doesn't want you to stay, don't stay. You cant ask relatives, don't ask.

How far away are you, can you go on your own for a long weekend and visit your dad/Suss out your mum etc?

Original poster
frutilla · 16/09/2011 14:31

Whatmeworry, I am over 10,000 km away so cannot go for a short time as tickets v expensive, travelling very tiring and anyway am b/feeding so can't go on my own. Yes it's going round in circles, I think I will either not go or go and stay in a nearby apartment. I hate the country I'm living in and these annual visits kept me going...As soon as I can arrange to move back for good, things will resolve.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/09/2011 14:39

My mum and dad live in Spain.......my mum died last year and my Dsis takes her 2 boys over to Spain frequently as she has a fella over there. My dad has told her he would rather she didnt stay with him when she has the boys with her as he cant cope with them although when she goes without the boys she is more than welcome to stay with him then.

I think our parents get more intolerant of our kids as they grow older and maybe your mum just finds it too much. I am sure it doesnt mean she doesnt love you and your DC any less so hard as it is try not to take it personally. My Dsis does for sure but my dad has made his POV clear so he has to hire an apartment as her fella also doesnt want her boys staying with him!

Ormirian · 16/09/2011 14:40

Oh that must hurt Sad Sorry about your dad.

I imagine she is slowly coming to terms with her changed life and maybe you and your DC will make things seem too familiar.

Avocets · 16/09/2011 18:33

Gosh you must make sure you keep going, even if staying in apartment not ideal. My mum, after being widowed, pushed us away for years - and now, she is losing her memory and her mind, and suddenly she seems to want us there all the time. It is very sad.

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 16/09/2011 19:08

My DM said something similar to this a while ago, again after my Dad died. Now, if it's just me visiting then I stay with her. If DH and the two DSs (teens) stay too, then we go to a hotel. She has also stopped cooking evening meals as she can't cope with that either. Instead, she gave us a considerable sum some years ago to pay towards the hotel costs and we share the cost of eating out. That has taken all of the pressure off her and we all have a nice time.

ledkr · 16/09/2011 19:23

I adore my children but every xmas i shop asnd wrap presents for them and their dp's and one gc. I cook for a thousand in my average sized kitchen,spend all morning cooking and all afternoon clearing up and spend very little time with the younger children.I dread it and am always knackered.This year i will be changing it,i am not sure how yet but am defo changing it so that i can enjoy it as well.They all chip in and help but there is only so many people who can fit in a kitchen and nobody cleans like i do.I was 37 weeks pg last xmas and it was a horrible time.
Mums arent super human and dont need to be martyrs to show their love. She means nothing by it,just being honest that its a bit too much.

Original poster
frutilla · 16/09/2011 19:52

Thanks for so many interesting and helpful comments. I def have to just accept my mum's wishes. Avocets, I'm sorry to hear about your mum, you're right I need to think ahead so I don't do something I regret.

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 16/09/2011 20:26

Best of luck, frutilla, however you decide to handle it. And I should have said earlier, very sorry about your dad.