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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset that my mum doesn't want us to stay anymore?

76 replies

frutilla · 12/09/2011 01:57

I live abroad and visit UK once a year with my family, (DH and 2 DC under 4) and stay at my mum's house. She has 2 spare bedrooms. Now she tells me she doesn't want that anymore and we must rent an apartment. This is all unexpected and I feel depressed about it...

OP posts:

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foreverondiet · 14/09/2011 19:51

How long do you visit for?

My parents live abroad and if they said that I'd just say we'd go on holiday elsewhere, so they wouldn't see their grandchildren. It would be their loss.

I ask how long for as I think in respect of staying with people unless they have a lot of space a week is enough.

squeakytoy · 14/09/2011 19:54

It sounds to me like she is grieving a lot too. Is there anyway you could come over for a short visit on your own to spend some time alone with her, just the two of you, or invite her to come and stay with you instead?

CurrySpice · 14/09/2011 19:55

I can understand that you must be upset - I would too :(

But grief can make people act in very uncharacteristic ways

Do you think she could be suffering from depression? I don't know what makes me say that but the talk about isolating herself does strike a chord

I feel for you I really do

CurrySpice · 14/09/2011 19:56

That's nice forever!

The OP's mother lost her husband just a few months ago and is clearly grieving

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 14/09/2011 19:58

Your dm probably doesn't want her routine interrupted and actually I am probably the only person to think this but perhaps she should be applauded for telling you rather than letting you stay and resentment building. She probably wants you to have a base elsewhere so she can remain in her bubble and I am sure that this will change in the future but sometimes grief can do stuff to you - also you have to remember that although you too are probably still grieving badly as well you have your dh and dc's with you and that is how you have gone through it. As you live abroad she has more than likely had to do it alone and somehow now likes it like that? Is that possible? Perhaps she is thinking of selling up for somewhere smaller and more manageable but just can't bring herself to say that to you yet? I am sure it isn't personal and perhaps when your dc are older she will be more hands on. My mum is fine with my nearly 4yo but the 1yo fills her with horror for more than a couple of hours as she likes to be able to communicate fully and be communicated fully with. Some people don't like babies but love older children, this is my mum and its not that she doesn't like them but she is uncomfortable to be the sole carer and worries about it.

ENormaSnob · 14/09/2011 20:10

What was she like with you before your dad died?

Hardgoing · 14/09/2011 20:42

All fine if you can afford an apartment for a week or two in London, but if not...very difficult. Even a Travelodge in London for a week will be the best part of 500 pounds +. We asked my husband's parents to stay in a B and B when they visited and we were in chaos, but we paid for it ourselves as it was our selfish decision not to let them stay. It is a shame, as it will impact on how often you visit. But it does sound like she is very upset and perhaps doing uncharacteristic things.

redexpat · 14/09/2011 20:57

It's about her, not you. Try not to worry too much about it. Holiday homes and flats are generally reasonably priced.

frutilla · 14/09/2011 21:15

Thanks for all your messages. I think it's all down to the grieving. My mum is a business woman and I think she is handling things with that head at the moment. The business always took precedence when I was growing up and it seems that's how it is now. She is still working and seems happiest doing business related stuff. She is obsessed with clearing her space and I see how we don't fit into that. It's my childhood home so I feel upset at suddenly not being allowed to stay but tant pis!

OP posts:

notherdaynotherdollar · 14/09/2011 21:22

your dad passed away a very short while ago, she is grieving and trying to come to terms

give her space and time

jennifersofia · 14/09/2011 21:26

It sounds like grieving to me too, but very difficult for you. I think that you should have a conversation with her, telling her that you understand and respect that she needs to have it be this way, but also that you feel a bit upset about it, and also that it might limit the times in which you can see her because of the financial side of it.
On a more practical side, we have found houseswaps in London for my parents when they came to visit us from abroad. Many people in London want to go abroad, so if you can handle the concept of a houseswap it can be a good solution. It is also a nice chance to check out another area of London.

frutilla · 14/09/2011 21:30

Another thing, 15 months ago my mum was in hospital and we looked after my dad for 2.5 months and then her when she got out. They didn't want us to leave then!!!!!!

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 14/09/2011 21:54

she's obviously not in a good place at the moment. We used to stay with my MIL but she has been ill and it's obvious she can't cope with visitors and young children all the time or it could seriously make her very ill. Guess, you just have to go with the flow and give her time thought I understand how difficult this makes it for you and your family.

fishie · 14/09/2011 22:02

frutilla I am having this from fil. He keeps changing his mind as to whether we can come or not. Currently we are unwelcome. he lives in a large house by the sea and we do all the cooking etc when there. It is horrible because ds loves him and dh's brother is welcome. mil died a year before ds was born.

LemonDifficult · 14/09/2011 22:09

How is she coping day-to-day? Do you think she might be trying to protect you from her grief and any impact it's having on her? (House/Garden being let go, not being on form, needing to do funny routines to keep the grief in check, etc.)

frutilla · 15/09/2011 01:02

She goes out to dinner with friends and other family regularly and to work. She has help with cleaning, garden etc. We always spoke every day and family was v close. Since my dad died she has said a few cold and cutting things but I let it pass as grief, and we still speak or email daily. I feel awful writing on here but she was adamant about us finding apartment and I don't want to bring subject up again. It's not about the money as much as the rejection...

OP posts:

Tenacity · 15/09/2011 01:04

Perhaps you being there reminds her even more of what she has lost..an integral part of her family. Her family unit is no longer complete..

I think you need to give her space to grieve, and let her be. Don't take it as a sign of rejection as it doesn't sound like it. Grief does major things to people, and it will take time for her to move on.

lifechanger · 15/09/2011 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 15/09/2011 07:19

Ì can see how it´s upsetting but it´s hardly rejecting you, is it?

We´ve always had to rent somewhere as neither parents nor ILs have anywhere big enough & I wouldn´t want to stay with them all the time either.

When we go back it´s also aholiday for us & a chance to catch up with friends.

If I was staying with parents I´d feel obliged to spend much more time with them than I really wanted tbh.

complexnumber · 15/09/2011 07:44

We had a similar situation until my DM died and My DF moved into Warden accommodation. They had a huge house (4 bedroom) but really did not feel happy if we descended on them. They were old and settled in their ways, the disruption of having small children around the house was just too much (even though they would comment on how quiet and well behaved they were). We had to accept and understand this.

Actually I dislike staying in anyone's house for more than a couple of nights, I would be unbearable if I stayed a week.

On a different note, one poster typed this:
"My parents live abroad and if they said that I'd just say we'd go on holiday elsewhere, so they wouldn't see their grandchildren. It would be their loss."

How delightful to use GC as some sort of emotional blackmailing tool.

tulipgrower · 15/09/2011 08:35

When I lived alone, I always found it lonely after having house guests, especially in the evenings/night. Perhaps she is afraid of the deafening silence she would have after you leave? She has to get used to being alone, all the time, all year round.

On the other hand, I had a Aunt with 6 kids and numerous grandchildren, and everyone descended on her every Christmas. Everyone pitched in, brought food/drink etc., but at some point she just felt it was just too much for her. From then on she went away for Christmas, to somewhere nice, far enough away that no family do could take place. Her kids didn't immediately understand, but I think she just couldn't cope with the noise/mess/stress anymore.

TadlowDogIncident · 15/09/2011 08:39

It's all very well to say frutilla's DM is grieving, and I'm sure that's true, but grief isn't some kind of "get out of jail free" pass that means you get to treat people badly. After all, by the same token the OP has lost her dad and the children's grandad - that's pretty serious too, but no-one's suggesting that it would entitle her to be unpleasant to her mother.

OP, it doesn't sound to me as though she much wants to spend time with your children while they're small (I can empathise with this as my mother is exactly the same and "doesn't do" babies: it's a bit sad, because I'd like her to want to spend time with her grandson, but it's how she is). How important is it for you to visit your mother? Might it be easier not to go at all than to go and feel pushed out of your childhood home?

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diddl · 15/09/2011 08:51

"Might it be easier not to go at all than to go and feel pushed out of your childhood home?"

Oh purleeze!

Entitlement much?

"Childhood home"-surely doesn´t just give you the right to descend with husband & two children.

OP-if you don´t want to visit, don´t-if you do, find a way!

FellatioNelson · 15/09/2011 08:52

I agree with Tadlow. I have DH's DB and SIL who are the 'can't cope with guests' types, and over the years it has caused much resentment and irritation that they get off scot- free year in, year out, doing all the taking and none of the giving, while the rest of us all do our hospitable best for the sake of the whole family, who are spread all over the place. I'd be furious and devastated if my own mother or DH's parents did this to us. It is expensive and impractical to rent accommodation for anything more than a straightforward two week holiday. Perhaps your mother would prefer it if you didn't bother coming home at all?

spiderpig8 · 15/09/2011 08:54

sounds like she could be depressed.Keep a close eye !

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