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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:42

'why should they dress it up to sound all nice and reasonable? To make you feel better?'

Erm, yes.

In my experience most people are capable of behaving in ways that are appropriate and most people are able to be happy for other people.

Thankfully. Wouldn't want to live in your world if that's not what people do psammead.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 11/09/2011 11:42

I'll clarify my post at 11.32 - 'That I could understand the MIL being SO upset about'. She would be being treated unfairly if the OP's parents were there and she wasn't. But that wasn't the case. The OP treated both sets of parents fairly. What is wrong with that? Why should the OP have to bear in mind the MIL's wants and feelings if they are diametrically opposed to her own -in that situation, only one of them CAN be happy. So why shouldn't it be the OP when it was her wedding?

fedupofnamechanging · 11/09/2011 11:43

I agree with Loudlass.

You had a choice - to have the wedding you wanted or to have the wedding your IL's wanted. Given that it is in fact your wedding, you were right to do it the way that made you and dh happy. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

You are not responsible for your IL's reaction and the only way to have avoided that reaction would have been to tell them and invite them and have them try to influence your day. You didn't want that and so you chose to not say anything beforehand. That seems fair enough to me. It isn't their wedding and they have no right to a say in how it was done.

I think weddings are about the couple concerned, not their families. It is a pledge to each other and is not about his parents/your parents/the party afterwards etc.

I can see why she is sad to have missed it, but all the weeping and wailing merely reinforces why you didn't tell her in the first place. I wouldn't be trying to appease her - I would say tell her, next time she raises it, that it was your wedding and the two of you had the day that you wanted and it really isn't anything to do with anyone else.

I don't see how you can apologise for hurting her, because given the time again, you'd make the same choice.

Psammead · 11/09/2011 11:43

In my world I wouldn't deliberately not invite people to a wedding knowing that it was likely to upset them. How hypocritical!

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 11:44

Fivecandles - I agree, the MIL should dress it up to sound all nice and reasonable'. After all, you did nothing unreasonable. Having YOUR wedding the way YOU wanted is NOT unreasonable. The MIL's subsequent behaviour IS unreasonable.

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/09/2011 11:44

loudlass, because it maybe weeks before someone reads the email.

MrsGaff · 11/09/2011 11:45

You emailed your IL's to tell them your DD was in hospital? Hmm And You've done nothing but email and write to them since your wedding? Are you unable to use the telephone?

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 11:45

So you would ignore your own wishes for a very quiet wedding, so as not to upset other people, Psammead? Do your own feelings not have any validity in that situation?

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 11:49

AuntiePickleBottom - in my case, yes, it could be a year a while before an email got read, but if I knew that they were someone who read their emails frequently, then yes, I would email them. Surely after 13 years, you know whether email communication is the right thing to do. Most people that know me, know not to leave an answerphone message because I don't pick them up more than once every 3 months, as it costs me phone credit I can't afford (mobile only). They know not to email me because it won't get read.

However, if I am trying to talk to my Nan, she is often too busy to be near a phone, so I email her because I know she picks up her emails daily, then she will call me back at HER convenience. So surely the OP would know how to communicate with her IL's after 13 years? They are probably like my Nan.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:50

'In my world I wouldn't deliberately not invite people to a wedding knowing that it was likely to upset them. How hypocritical!'

I repeat I didn't know it was going to upset them. We thought after 13 years and 2 kids that it wasn't that big a deal but that they'd be happy for us which is exactly the reaction we had from everyone else.

But I have to say that your approach would bring it's own problems. If you organise your wedding in such a way that you don't upset anyone about anything where on earth do you draw the line???

Yet, for someone who says she's keen to avoid upsetting people, you you seem strangely comfortable with saying some quite provocative things on this thread.

OP posts:
Psammead · 11/09/2011 11:50

A very quiet wedding would never exclude my own and DH's parents, Loudlass. Unless we had fallen out with one or the other beforehand which luckily for us is not the case.

Our official wedding was us plus four guests. Me, DH, DM, DF, MIL and FIL. Siblings were invited in a casual way, but not expected. Afterwards we went to a restaurant together and that was that.

stripeybump · 11/09/2011 11:51

I'm not assuming your in-laws have a low opinion of you - you said upthread that your DH told you his parents were going to ring you on your birthday to tell you exactly what they thought of you. Your words, not mine.

Are you a nice daughter-in-law usually? Do you look out for them, do nice things for them, etc?

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:52

'loudlass, because it maybe weeks before someone reads the email.'

But not in the case of my in laws. DD had had an anaphylactic reaction but was absolutely fine. Thought I'd let them know. They didn't reply.

OP posts:
Onemorning · 11/09/2011 11:54

Loudlass, I'm not saying at all that the OP's feelings are unimportant. It can't be nice to be at the receiving end of such an unpleasant (and Oscar-winning) reaction.

It seems to be hurt feelings all round, with MIL being very much in need of a grip and/or smelling salts.

It seems to me that the OP has expectations as to how MIL should behave, and vice versa. I'm suggesting the OP dials down her expectations a notch to avoid getting sucked into even more drama. Perhaps MIL will calm down and realise she's being an arse - or not.

My DSis went to Vegas to get married. My DM was a bit dramatic about it for a while as she'd been excluded from DSis's special day (weeping and pearl clutching) but she eventually realised the day wasn't about her - it was about DSis and her H.

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 11:55

It's so interesting on MumsNet how there are so many with precious first borns and so many who couldn't give a shit if their children get married without telling them.

I wonder whether any of them are the same people?

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:55

'Are you a nice daughter-in-law usually? Do you look out for them, do nice things for them, etc?'

I like to think so. Usually we get on fine. We have some very different values and beliefs like they are very devout Christians and we're atheists but usually we just avoid those topics. I respect them and admire them but we're very different. We do live about 200 miles away from each other but I make sure we visit them a good few times a year and we're in regular email/telephone contact.

OP posts:
Wamster · 11/09/2011 11:56

Your mil needs to get a **ing grip. It's only a blooming wedding. Nobody has died. Leave her stew for a while, be polite but maintain your stance that what you did was reasonable. As for friends being upset, sorry, but bullshit. Why on earth would her friends be upset? They're just paying her lip service.
Silly woman needs to get a grip. You've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:58

But Psammead I would never presume to criticise YOUR choices about YOUR wedding.

OP posts:
Wamster · 11/09/2011 12:02

Sorry, they are paying her lip service or she is making it up that they are upset, either way, them being upset is bullshit. Seriously it is. Nobody in their right mind has sleepless nights and crying bouts that last for weeks over not being invited to a wedding. It is not normal to have a reaction like this. A reaction like this is understandable in a bereavement situation -absolutely understandable in a bereavement situation!- not a wedding.
Has your mil got mental health issues?
Like I said, be polite and stick your ground but don't give in to her nonsense.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 12:03

Imperial, it's not about not giving a shit, it's learning to let your kids (especially when they're in their 40s) make their own choices about what makes them happy. Sometimes as parents we have to accept that our kids will do things that make them happy but might cause sadness for us. For example, my sister moved to another country. Of course, my parents are sad that they don't see her or her family as much as they would like to but they would never make her feel guilty for that or let it influence her in such a way that she couldn't do what made her happy.

The more I think about it the more my parents are bloody amazing. I'm going to tell them that when they come over later.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 11/09/2011 12:04

I WOULD be upset at not being invited to my DD's wedding. I however, would deal with that upset in private, so as not to detract from the fact that my DD had enjoyed her wedding - and I would also be congratulating her and her husband. It would be MY upset and disappointment, no need for my DD to be aware of it, it would be HER special day, not MINE. Doesn't mean she won't be my PFB, just that MY happiness is not as important to me as HER happiness.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 12:04

Wamster, I like your no nonsense style.

OP posts:
Groovee · 11/09/2011 12:04

My mum and dad arrived at my grandparents when I was 5 after school ( they looked after me after school) and announced they'd got married. I don't remember it but there are photo's from us at my grandparents and my gran and grandad were devastated that their only child had got married and not had them at the wedding. The only reason I had a big wedding was to help my gran as it would have killed her not to be there.

Some people will be happy for you but others like your MIL will be hurt and not understand.

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 12:05

Exactly, fivecandles - I wouldn't be making DD feel guilty or try to influence her decision on what would make HER happy.

Wamster · 11/09/2011 12:06

There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit put out, but reason says that the couple must do what feels right for them and the mil's reaction is totally over the top. Totally over the top.