to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

fivecandles no, and you shouldn't presume to criticise my wedding, because I have not posted details about my wedding inviting people to criticise it!

Right, I must go and do useful stuff. Thanks everyone for your opinions. It has been helpful to hear the other side however difficult that's been. I know that the ILs and I will never see eye to eye about this but I'm pretty sure that they've got the good sense to let it blow over so we can continue to get on amicably.

Groovee - it would not have 'killed' your Gran not to be there. A normal reaction would be disappointment tinged with a bit of sadness. That you don't let slip to the person who made the decision to do what THEY wanted.

What's NOT to understand? Some people want a big, frou-frou wedding, others just want 2 close friends there. It's the choice of the couple getting married, not ANYONE else. How is that difficult to understand. If it makes your child happy, why would you NOT be happy for them??

YANBU. We did the same thing, but not with friends, we hired two strangers as witnesses. That was it. Had a quiet lunch together afterwards. I wish more people did, too, especially when you have been living together for ages, second or subsequent wedding, children, etc.

Yes, I do agree, Custard. That part about having the mates and their families. Well, I'd keep a lid on it if it were one of my children but I would have found that quite hurtful, tbh.

With us it really was two hired strangers. It was just the two of us.

Has it occurred to anyone who thinks the OP is BU that the PIL's only have themselves to blame. If they were the type to have respected the OP's and her DH's wish to have a small private ceremony then they probably would have been invited to be witnesses and been able to attend the ceremony. However, because they are the emotionally blackmailing types, who would have tried to manipulate the OP and her DH into inviting his siblings and aunts/uncles etc, they missed out on being invited. I don't blame the OP and her DH for not telling them beforehand either. If they had they would probably have been pressured by the PIL to invite other relatives for the length of time between them been told and the wedding.

Well, there is that as well, Chaotic. Hmm.

We did something similar, we went away with four friends (two couples) and got married quietly, although we did tell family beforehand. We were mid twenties and it was our first and only marriage.

I can see why you wouldn't want to tell people as your plans get twisted to suit other people and the whole thing just gets bigger and bigger and not what you originally intended.

Like you we just wanted to get married without so much emphasis on the wedding part.

In our case, no-one seemed that upset. My mother was glad that we did not have all the fuss of a traditional wedding and I think PIL felt similar.

If my daughter did something simliar, I don't think I'd be bothered. If she married someone who truly loved and respected her and she was happy with him - I'd be happy.

In your case, I don't think I'd apologise to MIL again. Don't grovel. Just carry on as usual. I would be civil and just let her come round in time.

i think i would have invited the family to a meal in advance to meet at restaurant just after the wedding and announced it then so they could be part of the celebration if not the actual ceremony, or to the actual wedding but as a suprise. that would have avoided the run up hysterics and they would have been part of it but only on the day. congratulations by the way, its a brave thing to do knowing that it was bound to upset someone, they'll get over it.

I think a quiet wedding without parents if you know parents will put pressure on to then invite all sibs and their relatives etc is reasonable. I wouldn't tell anyone in advance that they are not invited to a wedding that seems cruel.
I would have told them some time later, and only shown photos if they asked to see them.
I don't think crying for days because you didn't go to a wedding is reasonable. Nothing has really changed, this woman's son is still living with the same woman and she didn't miss a big party or anything.
You aren't responsible for her feelings, she is. I don't think you should live your life someone else's way just because they cry if they don't do things the way they wanted you to do things.
I wouldn't send any more texts or emails and would let them calm down. I agree it sounds as though your husband should be phoning them more rather than the texts. I doubt her friends were really upset at the photos unless she has unhinged friends. I can't imagine getting upset at someone else's family's wedding photos, especially if they are getting all "poor me" about a happy occasion.

fivecandles, I'm sorry, I didn't read all the posts...but I just wanted to say I think YANBU at all.

It's your wedding, and it sounds like you had a lovely day. I think ALL your family should be happy for you, rather than selfishly trying to spoil your special occasion because it wasn't done in a way that suited them. YOUR wedding, done YOUR way. And if they are not happy, they should keep quiet about it. I'm sure there are parents and ILs the world over keeping it zipped about decisions their DCs and DCsIL make that they think should have been done differently...but they know it isn't really their place to say so.

However, I wouldn't engage in any more discussion with them about it myself. I wouldn't think you'll get very far. Hopefully they'll get over it. And if they don't, don't let it become your problem - it is theirs.

YANBU to want or have the wedding that suits you best.

I would want my son to have the wedding that he wanted when he is older. But if the wedding that he wants is a wedding that I am not invited to and only find out about after the fact, I would still be very hurt and upset.

However you dress it up, and whatever reasons you have, you still did not want them at your wedding. Your parents can deal with that, your DH's clearly can't and you at least have to try and understand that they have the right to feel upset about it. It doesn't mean that they are making your wedding all about them. It's a bit like breaking up with someone and saying "it's not you, it's me" to make them feel better. It never works.

You know your reasons and have clearly thought about them long and hard. Your in-laws seem to have been taken by surprise by them and are feeling rejected and confused by it all.

I'm not having a go OP. I have a MIL who cries for days and cannot sleep too (very long story) and for this you have my sympathies.

But you can't have it both ways. On the one hand you are saying that you have been together for 13 years, have two children, it's a second wedding for your DH, you got married for practical reasons and you wanted a low key affair with no fuss.

And then you complain that you haven't been contacted (other than a card with money in it), haven't been congratulated, haven't been welcomed into the family you have already been a part of for 13 years and that you feel they are spoiling the newlywedded feeling of it all by being upset.

I think that if you chose to have the sort of wedding you did, and are happy with your choice, then you can't complain later about a lack of congratulations from the people you kept in the dark. You can complain about the guilt trips, and if they had rung you on your birthday to tell you what they thought of you they would have been badly in the wrong and making the situation much, much worse.

They are in the wrong to pile on the guilt, but you are in the wrong to compare their reaction to that of your parents and to take offence that they haven't congratulated you or expressed their disappointment in a way that suits you best.

I'd just leave it now. If you are not speaking to them (in whatever sense) then your DH needs to say to them, for one last time, that none of this was done with the intention of hurting them but now it is done and it's not helping anyone to go over and over it. You all need to move on. Then stop worrying about who should have contacted who and who ignored what email and just behave like you always have, talk to them normally and hope they can do the same back. If not, it's down to them to either forgive and forget for any perceived slight or bear a grudge and split the family.

YABU to expect your MIL to be happy about this.

You are not being unreasonable to have the wedding you want but you are being unreasonable not to expect them to feel hurt .
I have three sons I was there for their births ,their first smiles ,first steps ,first day at school,I have wiped their tears and celebrated exam results with them ,I cannot imagine how desperately sad I would feel if I was not there to see them make the biggest commitment of their lives.I couldn't care less about parties etc but the commitment is momentous and hopefully once in a lifetime ,for the record if it was second time around it would be almost more important because the presumably they supported him when the first failed and are pleased to see him now in a more successful relationship.

Of course I would support their choice of ceremony but I would be cut to the quick

I haven't read all the thread, but just wanted to say that we had a similar wedding to the OP. It was just us, my sister and a close friend, my sister really only because she was living with us at the time, to explain why she was there and my parents weren't!

Personally, I would have hated to have had a big wedding, the idea of being the centre of attention and speeches etc freaks me out. However, I would have quite liked my parents to be there, but my DH doesn't have a good relationship with his family and I felt like we couldn't have my family without his family, so it had to be neither! I don't have any regrets about the day itself because it was lovely and romantic, the only thing I regret is the fact that having very close family there wasn't really an option because of family troubles.

My parents have been totally fine with our decision, they did something similar when they got married, and my Dad would have hated the whole thing of a proper do, so he's pretty chuffed with it all! Tbh, I don't think I would have done it that way if I'd thought for a minute that my parents would have been upset, I knew they'd be fine with it so it was ok.

OP, YANBU!

I think some of you are missing the point. It's not that I think it's unreasonable of them to be hurt. I've never said that. If that's how I feel then I'm sorry which I have repeatedly said. However, as has been explained by other posters and me there's nothing we can do about our decision now and if we could go back in time we wouldn't change a thing. To us, there was a stark decision to make - either have a small, private wedding that we wanted or a big one that other people wanted. As parents they need to respect our choice and, having expressed how they feel at length, try to share in our happiness. As a mother myself I don't think that should be too hard to do. As I've outlined earlier, parents have to allow their children to make their own decisions for their own happiness and not be governed always by what their parents might want even where that would cause unhappiness for themselves. As I've said, a big wedding would have actually been enormously stressful and difficult for my parents so while that might have made my ILs happy (although I really have my doubts the wedding would ever have been what they wanted) it wouldn't have suited my own. As I've said, since most couples seem to find it impossible to please everybody, in the end they must please themselves.

YANBU but I understand your il's upset.

DH and I eloped but we didn't tell anyone and just had the people who worked in the chapel as witnesses (married in Vegas). We did consider getting married in the uk with two friends as witnesses but DH thought it was very unfair to tell even just a couple of people and no one else. I really do see his point now as everyone was treated the same, there would have been some tension otherwise.

YABU IMO.

Haven't read the whole thread but if my child got married without telling me (and having a wedding so tiny that two of their friends and their families were invited) I would be extremely upset, angry and disappointed. You have deliberately excluded them from this occasion in your life and are now huffing because they are upset. You knew they would be - why else would you have kept it secret? You thought it was enough of an occasion to take photos to show people but not have your parents there?!
TBH I understand your MIL's feelings totally.

I think you should have expected upset. I know 4 couples who've had the 'surprise' weddings, and of them only one didn't have at least one side of the family devastated by their lack of invite, and that was the couple who took just both sets of parents as witnesses (although they'd only told them the week before it was happening).

Your in-laws aren't your parents, whereas your parents might have expected you to do something like this (so not be upset) your in-laws obviously didn't think your DH would (I assume that's not what his first wedding was like).

If you are having a big do next year, then get your MIL involved in that, she can still have the 'big day'.

So YANBU to have a secret wedding, but YABU if you think everyone should react to that the way you want. (I'd be devastated if DS didn't invite me to see him get married, it can just be a tiny do and no party afterwards, but I want to be there!)

Going- your dh was quite right, I think it would have been less hurtful to the OP's families if the OP hadn't invited their friends and their families to be there.

My parents did the exact same thing (apart from not having had children yet).

My dad's father never really forgave them (he was the one who was pushing for a big wedding which pushed them towards that decision) but he got over the initial upset. Everyone else understood why they did it.

I hate the idea of a big wedding and after 9 years with dp and 3 kids there really is no point. My mother has told me that as long as we all go for a nice meal to celebrate afterwards she doesn't care what we do.

We are doing this in three weeks time. We have already told our family as we have been together 20 odd years, they are not happy about this but not unhappy. Imo its our wedding and its something I have wanted for a long time, and as far as I am concerned they have a right to be unhappy, but we have a right to do this however we want. They will get used to it, and things will sort them selves out eventually. One thing you could do is have a 'reception'.
I think your mil has been over the top with her reaction.

Thread summary:
OP: AIBU to get married secretly with only two witnesses?

MIL is upset. Witnesses were friends + their families and we all went out afterwards. MIL cried but sent us card and gift. I haven't spoken to her since.

Posters, variously: YANBU, it was your wedding. or YABU I can understand why they'd be desperately hurt by your rejection of them.

OP: How dare you judge me on my marriage choices

Posters continue with mix of YABU YANBU

OP couldn't possibly have concieved of only inviting her parents and inlaws.

OP continues to not understand why she has caused upset but then decides her ILs will get over it in the end.

We never hear what the DH and children think.

 THE END