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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 11:02

And I've never understood why congratulations are in order when someone gets married.

It doesn't take a lot of effort to go to a registry office and fill in a form. It's not like running a marathon or winning the Nobel Prize.

DandyLioness · 11/09/2011 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:05

Well, there's a matter of courtesy isn't there.

But I'm not so bothered about the fact that she didn't say congratulations and welcome to the family so much as what she DID choose to say i.e. how upset she is.

Can you not see why that might be upsetting for me and inappropriate of her?

OP posts:
Onemorning · 11/09/2011 11:06

YANBU for having the wedding you wanted. Congratulations.

YABU for not understanding that your MIL might be upset about not being invited. It sounds as if she might be being a bit OTT, but she has tried to congratulate you by sending a card and money, that may be all she's able to manage at the moment. I'd suggest not sending any more letters and dropping the subject for a bit.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:06

'I'd view your marriage as a formality rather than forming a family and entering each other's, as you have already done that'

Well, yes. I guess that's why we were so surprised by the reaction of the in laws because after our ups and downs and 2 kids it just didn't seem like such a big deal.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 11/09/2011 11:08

We can have a 1st anniversary party at minimal expense without any of the above but still be a nice happy celebratory occasion. If we'd had the party after the wedding it would have been a wedding reception with all the cost and formalities that that involves.

why my reception was in a local pub with a buffet, every one bought there own drinks

QuickLookBusy · 11/09/2011 11:08

YANBU to want to get married the way you want to.

YABU to expect everyone to be happy about it.

Really, do not write to your MIL to tell her off, it will make the whole situation ten times worse.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:09

Auntie, I'm glad you had the wedding you want. Perhaps you could respect that I did the same?

OP posts:
MrsGaff · 11/09/2011 11:09

I suggest you telephone your MIL and thank her for the card and money, I'm astonished that you haven't done so already. Then invite them over for dinner and take it from there.

You really haven't come off well at all in this.

DandyLioness · 11/09/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:11

What makes you think we haven't invited MIL for the card and money? God, where do you get off making so many unpleasant assumptions.

I have.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 11:12

I don't understand how, as a couple in your forties, you couldn't anticipate this.

Did you really think you were going to get an EastEnders welcome into the family? Didn't you visualise their reactions?

Why do you think people will be happy to celebrate your first wedding anniversary with you when they weren't invited to celebrate your wedding with you?

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:12

I've also said that we tried to arrange to take them out for dinner but they couldn't find a date.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 11:14

OP, I think all of this is getting you wound up and you're at risk of spoiling the wedding. You're probably better off accepting some agree with you and some don't, and then finding your husband and enjoying some time with him. You won't convince some of us that your MIL has no right to be hurt, and the longer this keeps going, the more upset you're going to get.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:14

Imperial, perhaps I just have different ideas from other people. I would not begin to judge a couple for how they got married or criticise them openly for it. I would be happy for them and congratulate them whatever the circumstances of the wedding as long as they were marrying for the right reasons. That is what I expected from others and that is just what I got from the vast majority of people who are close to us.

OP posts:
stripeybump · 11/09/2011 11:14

OP your post of 11.05 makes you sound EA and a spoiled brat IMO.

You think that she is being upset as a way of upsetting you ?! Wow, just wow.

bananamonkey · 11/09/2011 11:14

Congrats OP. I can see why your inlaws are put out but they will get over it eventually, you have to give them time. And also I think it's up to ypur husband to respond. All this nonsense about crying for days on end (and their friends being upset?!), some people just love to create a drama for themselves Hmm

This is exactly what is putting me off getting married, once you invite parents and siblings, then it's cousins, aunties and uncles and 'oh great-auntie Doris will be really upset not to see you get married' even though you haven't seen her for 20 years, the day isn't your own anymore. Dp and I have step families too so it would be a nightmare, all that fuss and expense is exactly the opposite of what we would like.

I understand your point about second weddings being more low key, I don't know why people are picking on that because I have heard people being bitchy so many times about big white weddings second time around.

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 11:15

No, I don't think you are dealing with it very well tbh. Sounds like you've said your perfunctory sorrys, which, if they came across to her like they're coming across here, weren't exactly full of feeling. Now you're stamping your little foot because it's not gone 100% your way.

And if you've been with your husband for 13 years, did you really not see this coming? I've been with my DH for 13 years too, I know exactly how my MIL would react to things and what's going to get her back up. The difference is, I don't see myself and DH as this separate little cell. We're part of a bigger picture that is important to both of us, so the feelings of our family are important to us. You don't feel the same? Great, your prerogative. But not everyone thinks like you.

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 11:15

I can't believe someone who is professing to feel so agreived over the reaction of her ILs can't understand why they feel so upset over the behaviour of their offspring. You are being massively hypocritical and if you keep taking this attitude with them, you will not be able to put things back to the way they should be.

Just suck it up and apologise for hurting them! You don't even have to say you're sorry for getting married without them! You just have to say you are sorry for hurting them! That's it! I would hope it's true as well.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:16

Once again, I never said my MIL has no right to be hurt. I've said that I'm sorry she's hurt. What I do hope is that she will find it in her heart to realize that our wedding is a positive thing however we chose to conduct it and express her feelings accordingly.

OP posts:
MrsGaff · 11/09/2011 11:16

You said you haven't spoken to your MIL and she hasn't spoken to you. Phone her.

Alternatively don't phone her and we will see you on the relationships board in a year or two when your rift with your IL's is causing problems in your marriage Grin

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 11:17

I'm not backtracking, I just didn't explain myself clearly. What I meant was they aren't entitled to show their hurt IN THIS WAY. I believe that the histronics and guilt-tripping is exactly the reason the OP and her DH didn't tell the MIL before the wedding. And for the DH to have agreed to that means that he KNEW that they wouldn't get the wedding they wanted if his mother was involved.

Onemorning - but WHY should sending a card be all that the MIL can manage at the moment? Why on earth CAN'T she behave like a grown-up and give verbal congratulations to the OP and her DH? Why should the MIL's upset be the thing that gets remembered about what should be a happy event? Why should the MIL's feelings about THE OP'S WEDDING be more important than the OP's?? Why is it OK for the MIL to lay on the guilt-trip and threats of not seeing the grandchildren, and get another of her dc to also lay on the guilt-trip rather than accept that she is not going to agree with every choice her children make, and being happy for her dc when they are happy? SURELY that is how a normal adult / parent behaves?

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:17

Tidy, if you read the thread, you'll see dh and I have both said repeatedly to our ILs that we're sorry they're hurt. Sheesh!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 11:18

Please try to read what I've said. Saying you are sorry they are hurt is not the same as saying that you are sorry you have hurt them.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 11:20

I have written to my MIL several times. She hasn't replied directly to me except for the card to both of us and recently to continue to tell me how upset she is. DH tells me that at one point my MIL and FIL were considering phoning me on my birthday to tell me exactly what they thought of me. Thankfully they thought better of that nice touch!

OP posts: