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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so let down by by husband?

137 replies

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 10:39

Hi
Can feel myself getting progressively more worked up so could really do with some perspective
Basically im 26 and live in windsor, my parents live in Penzance. 3 weeks ago my mum collapsed and was rushed into hospital intensive care. Her brain had swollen up and it was 2 days before she could even recognise me. It turns out that she has 3 nodules in her head that the docs think is cancer. I of course rushed down to be with her and dh came with me. I stayed a week until she got out, dh came home after 3 days as we were worried about the cats etc
Thursday (just gone) she met the neurosurgeon to get the results of her MRI. I drove down to be with her for the appointment. Dh didn't want to come but instead went to visit his friend in Exeter the next day (fri)
Anyway at the appointment we find out that she has 8 tumours and life expectancy of a few months. Going home with her it's obvious how much she has deteriorated already- so forgetful, can't write etc. I'm in absolute pieces - she is not just my mum but my best friend.
Anyway the aibu bit... Dh said he might come back today or mon. He has no signal where he is staying but they have a landline. He hasn't rung me once to see how I am doing. I have just got back to Windsor and sitting home alone is more than I can stand. Surely he should know I need him and come home today to be with me? Or at least just give me a ring to see how I am doing. Added to that he has left the house in a complete tip. Aibu to be furious and hurt at the same time?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 10:43

You're not being unreasonable. Of course you're not.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

As far as your husband's concerned - is he usually this selfish? Is he usually this uncaring? Is he usually happy to leave the house in a tip and expect you to sort it out? What would he say if he came back and it was the same tip?

pjmama · 04/09/2011 10:43

You've just had a horrible shock and it's probably natural that you want to lash out at someone. He's probably being a bit thoughtless and should have got in touch quicker, but I'm sure he will soon. Then you can tell him everything and ask him to come home. Right now a messy house isn't something you should be wasting your energy getting upset about. So sorry for your awful news and sending you a hug. X

Talker2010 · 04/09/2011 10:44

You are not being unreasonable to feel angry and hurt

But ... he may simply not be able to cope ... it is a "man" thing

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 10:45

No, YANBU, that is pants. You poor thing, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Does your H have problems dealing with illness/hospitals?

Kayano · 04/09/2011 10:46

He is being very inconsiderate of you but while I don't condone his behaviour I can see myself in his response? Iyswim?

When people are Ill I will try and detach myself from the situation because I just can't handle it, I try not to mention it or bring it up unless someone else does

It's an automatic reaction from me and I often have to be told to do things or I just pretend to myself it's not happening. It's not that I don't love those around me who are suffering, it's about me and my own (abeit stupid) coping
Mechanism.

Have a good talk with him and let him know you need him. He will obv know already buy might just need a little nudge to take action?

I'm so sorry about your mother btw x

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 10:48

Can we stop the 'man thing' line right here and now?

It's not on for anyone to let down their supposed nearest and dearest, and unforgivable for anyone to facilitate it and give it a gender based excuse.

It's crap, it's selfish and it's letting someone down. A real MAN doesn't do that.

bannyfaws · 04/09/2011 10:48

your poor thing, your poor mum. I'm so sorry.

your dh is being a self-centered shit.

does he know how serious the situation is? I'd be gutted if I was you.

my dad died a few months ago and my dh was as supportive as he could feasibly be, given he's in the Forces and works away from home. When he was here, he was really here, iykwim.

You are facing a terrible time ahead and need all the strength you can muster. Your dh should realise that. Maybe it just hasn't dawned on him how bad this is for you?

look after yourself.

diddl · 04/09/2011 10:49

I´m a bit on the fence with this tbh.

I think he should come back-well, shouldn´t have gone to a friend in the first place.

But unfortunately from his POV-there´s nothing he can do except watch you being upset/struggling to cope.

But I don´t think that that means he shouldn´t be there.

diddl · 04/09/2011 10:51

Actually, scrap that.

YANBU-no matter what he thinks it will be like for him & whether or not he can do anything-it´s not about him.

You need him & he should be there-physically & emotionally for you.

corlan · 04/09/2011 10:54

YANBU. I'm sorry for what you're going through QuestionTime.

Have you ever been in a bad situation before where he's let you down so badly? If he's going to turn his back on you when you need support you need to know.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 10:54

I am so, so sorry to hear about your Mum :( it's a terrible shock for you all & I'm sending you lots of strength & love to help you through it x

As for your DH, I would find his behaviour completely unforgiveable and for me it would probably be the end of our relationship. There are times when you just don't let your husband or wife down and this is one of them. He should have been with you when you went to get the results - end of.

If it was me, I would be looking at how I could either transfer office with work, work remotely, change jobs or just take a few months off and I would go down to my parents and be with them for the next few months.

Look after yourself
x

ownthreadhider · 04/09/2011 10:55

Maybe he's scared and doesn't know what to say. It's a massive thing for all of you.

I am so sorry about your mum op.

eurochick · 04/09/2011 10:55

I am sorry for your news. It sounds exactly like what happened to my grandfather. The "positives" that we took from it is that it is not a slow degenerative disease that means spending years in a home unable to care for yourself or recognise your loved ones, and he had been completely well and able to be active right up until the collapse happened. I'm not sure if this will give you any comfort right now, but it might in time as you come to terms with what is happening.

Your husband should be there. Of course he should.

Talker2010 · 04/09/2011 11:04

Hishissyness

Fair enough, you may know just as many women who find illness etc really difficult to cope with

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 11:05

He knows how serious it is. I told him after the appointment on Thursday. I just don't know how to bear this. I feel like I am breaking in two and I so desperately need him here with me. Can't stop crying

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2011 11:08

Ring the landline and tell him you need him to come home.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 04/09/2011 11:09

What a terrible shock. I am sorry you DH has let you down. Try and explain to him exactly what you need from him.

Did you want him to be with you at the neurosurgeon appointment? You say he "didn't want to come" - did you ask him?

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 11:11

I would but I don't have the number

OP posts:

Talker2010 · 04/09/2011 11:11

I agree that you should ring the landline

RandomMess · 04/09/2011 11:11

You need to tell him what you want from him. Yes it should be obvious but the last thing you need now is a marriage crises. Phone him up, tell him he needs to come home urgently.

Have you got a friend you can meet up with in the meantime?

FigsAndWine · 04/09/2011 11:12

So sorry to read your awful news Question. Your DH is being an insensitive twat; he should have gone to Cornwall with you, not to stay with a friend. To me it is irrelevant whether illness makes him uncomfortable - he needs to suck it up and be there for you. That's what you do for the person you love.

Leaving the place in a tip is just adding insult to injury; having to come home when your world's just fallen apart and then tidy up is really crap.

Can you ring him and tell him that you are in pieces and you need his complete support?

DecapitatedLegoman · 04/09/2011 11:13

You know what, this isn't the time to be waiting around for him. Is there a way you can contact him at all, maybe leaving a message somewhere or something? Of course he should be with you but you can talk about that later, right now you need him home one way or another.

I am so very sorry about your mum :(

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 11:16

QT - call him up and get him home. TELL him how hurt you are, tell him how you needed him to support you by helping in whatever way he can.

If he can't deal with the medical side of it, that's fine, many people can't, but he can help in other ways, like tidying the house, cleaning up and distraction.

You have every right to be fed up with him right now, and he deserves to hear it.

Don't expect him to step up wrt the medical side of things, that looks unlikely, but insist on him pulling his weight and supporting you in every single other way he can. Tell him what you need him to do for you. Draw up a list if need be.

don't let him off the hook. These are extraordinary times for you, and you need extraordinary, unquestioning support.

FWIW I am the Queen of Squeem. I fainted watching a reconstruction of some bod saving someone on a plane, fainted and threw up all over the vet's surgery when asked to hold cat's paw while blood was being taken, fainted at hospital visiting sister... BUT I STILL WENT TO GO AND SEE HER! Still supported her as best I could.

FigsAndWine · 04/09/2011 11:16

Cross posted.

Can you ring a friend to come and be with you? I agree with Random that a marriage crisis is only going to add to your stress, so telling him that you desperately need him to be present for you, both physically and emotionally is probably better than telling him what an arsehole he's been so far.

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 11:18

I don't have the landline number and his mobile goes straight to voicemail. Have left a message. Probably incoherent.

OP posts:

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