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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so let down by by husband?

137 replies

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 10:39

Hi
Can feel myself getting progressively more worked up so could really do with some perspective
Basically im 26 and live in windsor, my parents live in Penzance. 3 weeks ago my mum collapsed and was rushed into hospital intensive care. Her brain had swollen up and it was 2 days before she could even recognise me. It turns out that she has 3 nodules in her head that the docs think is cancer. I of course rushed down to be with her and dh came with me. I stayed a week until she got out, dh came home after 3 days as we were worried about the cats etc
Thursday (just gone) she met the neurosurgeon to get the results of her MRI. I drove down to be with her for the appointment. Dh didn't want to come but instead went to visit his friend in Exeter the next day (fri)
Anyway at the appointment we find out that she has 8 tumours and life expectancy of a few months. Going home with her it's obvious how much she has deteriorated already- so forgetful, can't write etc. I'm in absolute pieces - she is not just my mum but my best friend.
Anyway the aibu bit... Dh said he might come back today or mon. He has no signal where he is staying but they have a landline. He hasn't rung me once to see how I am doing. I have just got back to Windsor and sitting home alone is more than I can stand. Surely he should know I need him and come home today to be with me? Or at least just give me a ring to see how I am doing. Added to that he has left the house in a complete tip. Aibu to be furious and hurt at the same time?

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 04/09/2011 11:22

So sorry to hear about your mum. Maybe he has misunderstood and thinks you need space or he doesn't know what to say to help, as there isn't anything. Probably best to be explicit with him and tell him how you feel and how much you need him.

magicmelons · 04/09/2011 11:26

YANBU

So sad for you and your poor mum. That's terrible behaviour not everyone copes well when put in these circumstances but surely basic human nature would be to call to check your ok. I would expect to hear from Dh a couple of times a day under normal circumstances.
Have you siblings you can go and stay with?

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2011 11:26

Don't you have an address or anything ? You could look up the number? So sorry for you.

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 11:36

No address. Have rung everyone I have who might have his number but no luck. He is one of dh friends not mine which is why I don't have much. Tried surname and general location on bt directory but no luck. Don't know anyone around here. All friends family etc down in Cornwall

OP posts:

magicmelons · 04/09/2011 11:39

When are you expecting him back? If it is not for a couple of days i would perhaps go back to be with my family and friends and leave a note for him rather than be alone.

wellwisher · 04/09/2011 11:57

So sorry to hear about your mum and of course YANBU. Just a thought but have you tried facebooking your DH and/or his friend who he's staying with?

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 12:21

Finally tracked him down after looking through his emails for an email from this bloke. He is coming home and will be back at 6. Was still asleep when I rang. Not best pleased.

OP posts:

aliceliddell · 04/09/2011 12:26

Many people find it very difficult to deal with serious illness and death; you hear of friends crossing the road to avoid recently bereaved people. Get additional sources of support; he obviously has problems doing it and you don't need the stress.

BimboNo5 · 04/09/2011 12:33

I think losing someone who is obviously a lot younger will be automatically harder to come to terms with Eurochick, not trying to take anything away from your loss.
He is a selfish cunt. But then again when my mother had a fit and ended up in hospital and I was worried out my mind (never had one before) all my husband could do to comfort me was moan at me how much i'd spend on my DD's first birthday party (where it happened). Some people are shit in a crisis but would expect people to bow down and 'rally round' if it was them.

Mitmoo · 04/09/2011 12:38

He needs to up his game big time the selfish git. So sorry to hear about your Mum. When my mum was in intensive care and my now ex wasn't there for me it woke me up the fact that I was on my own anyway, he had no loyalty to me so I felt I owed him no loyalty back and opened up to my family about how the marriage was in difficulty.

I didn't leave straight away but it was really and truly a defining moment in the ending of the marriage.

Tell him how you feel, let him know how hurt you are with him and hopefully over the next very difficult months he'll be there for you.

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 15:17

Despite me ringing him and hysterically begging him to come back at 12.00 and the last train on a Sunday ( the station is 5 minutes away from where he is staying) at 2.10 (I checked) he didn't bother to get it and is still there. He doesn't give a shit about me does he?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 04/09/2011 15:23

I'm so sorry about your mum.

I think at the minimum, your DH is behaving very badly. Does he have a genuine reason for not coming home earlier? And does he have history of this kind of thing?

Mitmoo · 04/09/2011 15:24

He's a selfish SOB, I'm so sorry, what a selflish pig. He might just not be able to face it and wanting to put it off but you need him here and now, he has to be the strong one as you are the one who desperately needs that strength that you can't muster.

Is there any other way he can get back and would he be of any use if he did make it home?

Original poster

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 15:25

No reason at all. Just lost it down the phone at him.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/09/2011 15:25

"Despite me ringing him and hysterically begging him to come back at 12.00 and the last train on a Sunday ( the station is 5 minutes away from where he is staying) at 2.10 (I checked) he didn't bother to get it and is still there. He doesn't give a shit about me does he?"

That is absolutely awful of him,

flimflammery · 04/09/2011 15:26

Oh, OP, that's awful, he's being very cruel. I'm so sorry about your mum. Is there anyone else you can call, either for them to come round, or for a chat on the phone? Do you have siblings?

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 15:29

QT - have you though about what I said earlier about going down to your parents?

I'm sorry to add to your situation - but this would be the end of the marriage for me, there is no way I would stay with him after this. No way.

Mitmoo · 04/09/2011 15:31

Question time I've been there and it hurts like hell. It's not much help to you but I do know how you feel. What a wanker, I ended up divorcing mine but that was the first real wake up call, it might not end like that for you. I hope not. My ex never showed he cared that Mum could have been dying, she didn't thank goodness, but at the time she was critically ill in intensive care and not expected to make it.

Where was my ex? In the pub, same place as he went went I was in hospital with ecampsia and kidney failure having his first and only born.

There are some people who just aren't wired with any compassion or empathy and nothing can make them get it. I do hope with your partner this is an aberration and not typical of how he is.

Thinking of you.

Selky · 04/09/2011 15:31

That is truly terrible and selfish behaviour.

Does this mean that he won't be back until tomorrow?

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 15:31

i am so shocked that so many of you are trying defend his behaviour, whether he is a man or just social inept what you are saying to a woman who has just found out that she is losing her mother before her eyes, is that she needs to cut her partner some slack because he may find dealing with sickness difficult..........ummmmmm i am actually lost for words.
to be perfectly honest op i would not really care what the reason for his total inability to behave like a loving caring partner should. yes in these situations people are prone to lash out, in this case i would say lash away. i cant believe he hasnt come down to be with you when you need him.
yes he might not be able to do much beyond watch you struggle to cope with it but that is something.this would be a massive problem for me, huge!
so sorry about your mum......i would be devastated.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/09/2011 15:38

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I was your age when my mum was diagnosed with leukaemia.

How do you feel now you've spoken?

There's no question, he should be there with you and you are not being at all unreasonable to expect this. It's impossible for anyone to say or do anything that will make you feel better in this situation but for someone to just be there, a presence, is so important. He only has to be there for you, whatever that means for you at that time.

How about the next few hours until he gets back? Have you washed/eaten/had a cup of tea since you got home?

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/09/2011 15:47

DH felt useless back then. He felt he had to fix my brokenness and heal my sadness but it wasn't about that. Nobody could have done that.

Some days he just handed me tissues and bowls while I cried so much I was sick. Some days he cooked. Some days he picked me up from hospital... We didn't have a plan, just took each day and sometimes each hour at a time.

I'm not making excuses for him. No way. He has made some excruciatingly bad choices but I agree with the poster who said that the last thing you need is a marriage crisis on top of all this. Wait and see how things are when he returns and please don't forget yourself. Eat, or have a bath, or take a walk, or cry and cry... do whatever you can to get through the next few hours in one piece.

Thinking of you.

ensure · 04/09/2011 15:51

He is being a complete dick and there's no excuse for not getting the last train. :(
So sorry to hear about your mum. Can you go to a friend's house for some company?

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2011 15:52

Absolutely awful. Quite unforgivable to be frank. Hope you've got someone else to be with at such a sad time.

lady007pink · 04/09/2011 15:53

OP, I'm so so sorry about your mum. I've been there - TWICE! With both parents. They were terrified getting their results, they wanted me with them. And in both cases they both had cancer.

If I hadn't had the wonderful support of my rock of a DH, I would have cracked up.

You need your DH, he should be there for you.

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