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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down by by husband?

137 replies

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 10:39

Hi
Can feel myself getting progressively more worked up so could really do with some perspective
Basically im 26 and live in windsor, my parents live in Penzance. 3 weeks ago my mum collapsed and was rushed into hospital intensive care. Her brain had swollen up and it was 2 days before she could even recognise me. It turns out that she has 3 nodules in her head that the docs think is cancer. I of course rushed down to be with her and dh came with me. I stayed a week until she got out, dh came home after 3 days as we were worried about the cats etc
Thursday (just gone) she met the neurosurgeon to get the results of her MRI. I drove down to be with her for the appointment. Dh didn't want to come but instead went to visit his friend in Exeter the next day (fri)
Anyway at the appointment we find out that she has 8 tumours and life expectancy of a few months. Going home with her it's obvious how much she has deteriorated already- so forgetful, can't write etc. I'm in absolute pieces - she is not just my mum but my best friend.
Anyway the aibu bit... Dh said he might come back today or mon. He has no signal where he is staying but they have a landline. He hasn't rung me once to see how I am doing. I have just got back to Windsor and sitting home alone is more than I can stand. Surely he should know I need him and come home today to be with me? Or at least just give me a ring to see how I am doing. Added to that he has left the house in a complete tip. Aibu to be furious and hurt at the same time?

OP posts:
MmmmmCake · 04/09/2011 16:01

calm down. stop getting hysterical. take a few deep breaths, maybe a long bath. it wont do you or your mum any good for you to make yourself ill.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 16:05

It is absolutely unforgivable. I can hardly believe he is treating you so callously. And leaving the place a tip - that would just do it for me.

OP, if this was happening to your daughter, what would you advise her?

I hope your mum can be comfortable for as long as she has. I can't imagine how awful it is for you at the moment.

fit2drop · 04/09/2011 16:11

He is behaving badly.
However I firmly believe that men have to physically see distress to realise the enormity of it. Just hearing it on a phone , he would hear hysterical woman and nothing else would register and as much as I agree with Hissyness about it not being a gender excuse men act more on visual and he hasn't seen his wife since the awful news.

OP you have every right to be desperately upset and angry with your dh but this is the guy you love and who loves you , that cannot change because you have had such awful news and your husband has not responded in the caring way you want and need. I feel sure that when he sees your distress and sees the enormity of the situation he will support you in the way you deserve.

Is there a possibility his friend is driving him back and that is why he has not got the train.

In the meantime , what betsy says is spot on , you need to be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to get you through the next few hours.

I really hope his thoughtlessness does not add another crisis to your already fragile state and that when he gets home you can get him to understand where you are coming from with all your hurt and anger and you allow him to support you.

Original poster
QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 16:21

Hi all
Thanks for the responses. Apparently there is a later train that he is catching at 4.20. Still can't believe that he didn't bother to get the earlier one when he had 2 hours notice. Gutted.
Unfortunately I have to go to work tomorrow so can't go to stay anywhere else.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2011 17:17

Sorry, fit2drop but WTF?Hmm men have to see their wife terribly upset over her mum dying, otherwise it doesn't register or something. No offence, but I have never heard such utter bollox in all my life. OP, hope it all goes ok for you. I would ring in sick tomorrow if I were you.

LisaD1 · 04/09/2011 17:41

HI QT - I am so so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis.

Your H is acting like a total twat and I really hope he realises this for himself pretty quickly and bucks his ideas up/supports you properly over the coming months.

I hope you won't think I'm a loon - I am not far from Windsor at all and always up for a glass of wine and a natter - if you need some local company and an ear to bend then please PM me, I'm a married mum of 2 with no motive other than to help a fellow mumsnetter...

Hope your H is home soon and is horrified at his own behaviour.

Take care..

slavetofilofax · 04/09/2011 17:45

I'm quite shocked at how many people are going on about what a selfish twat this dh is.

I agree he should come home and be with you, which is what he's doing. He could have come on an earlier train but he didn't, we don't know his reason for that, so why the automatic harsh judgement?

He should have phoned sooner, but there are plenty of places that are out of phone signal range in the UK, he just happened to be in one of them. He went to see his friend, which I think is fair enough considering he probably knows he going to have to do a lot of supporting over the coming months, and he left OP with her family.

QuestionTime, I can understand you being upset and lashing out at him, but you have to judge him on his usual behaviour, not the fact that he is home a few hours later than you, even if you are going through on of your most upsetting weekends ever. You are not thinking rationally at the moment, you can't possibly be. I think it would be wise to try and remember that, concentrate on yourself so that when you need to you can be strong for you Mum. Everything else can wait.

Squitten · 04/09/2011 17:47

Appalling behaviour from your DH! Be sure and take it all out on him when he shows his sorry face. He deserves it.

RedOnion · 04/09/2011 17:49

slaveto - There is nowhere in Exeter that is within 5 mins of any of the 3 train stations that has poor 'phone reception - so that 'reason' can be knocked out.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/09/2011 17:51

I am so sorry to hear your mother is so ill.

YANBU to feel let down by your husband but I would wait for him to come home and then greet him at the door for a hug. You need a cuddle and that needs to come firsr. Hopefully when he sees you are not going to give him an ear bashing the minute he walks in the door, he might realise he has been a dick and apologise and get his act together.

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 17:52

ummmmmmm slaveto he knew she was getting results, he should have been there with her not at friends to offer support in the first place, then none of this would have been an issue urgh.

PuppyMonkey · 04/09/2011 17:56

He's been gone since Friday without calling, slaveto. He's not just " a few hours late."

fedupofnamechanging · 04/09/2011 17:57

QT, I am so, so sorry but if this was my husband I'd tell him to not bother coming home. There really is absolutely no point in being married or in a partnership if he lets you down like this when you really need him.

Can you get compassionate leave from work and go back to your mum's?

A hug is the last thing he'd be getting from me. I mean really, who buggers off to a friends at a time like this and doesn't even leave contact details?

Original poster
QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 18:15

Just wanted to say thanks to LisaD. Sorry on my iPhone app so not sure how to pm you!

OP posts:
VeronicaCake · 04/09/2011 18:20

QT you need compassionate leave from work tomorrow. Any reasonable employer would understand in the circs.

I don't know the rights and wrongs of your Dh's behaviour. But sometimes scared people do stupid things. Explain how desperate his behaviour made you feel and give him a chance to put things right before you lose it with him. It isn't an excuse, but he may have simply switched off because he feels overwhelmed by the seriousness of the situation. If you are 26 I'm guessing he is around the same age and neither of you are likely to have dealt with the terminal illness of a close family member before.

I hope your Mum has all the loving care she needs right now and that the next few months are peaceful for all of you.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/09/2011 18:23

Veronica, I was 27 when my dh's dad died. I was also pg. I managed not to behave like this, despite not having personal experience of loss. 26 is not 16, and many people are parents at this age and holding down responsible jobs. age is no excuse for this.

VeronicaCake · 04/09/2011 18:25

That is why I said it isn't an excuse. It may help to explain why he felt frightened. That is a more reassuring hypothesis than that he simply didn't care enough to come back.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/09/2011 18:26

Hi OP. Do you want to go to work tomorrow?

I craved normality when I was caring for my mum and work was a life saver. When I was a child and my dad was dying I loved going to school where everything was predictable and went to plan! So... I'm sure you'll do what suits you the best but that's another perspective for you.

Space for yourself where everything is as normal and calm as possible is really important I think. That includes relationships as well as actual space, like your own home to retreat to at the end of a difficult time. I know you are furious and hurt (and rightly so) but hang fire with your DH. He's made a huge, selfish mistake that has made a horrible time much much worse but he could still be your rock in the months to come. You will need all the support you can get and deliberately cutting him off at this time, while it feels the most satisfactory thing to do right now, will mean one less person to help you. There are other ways of expressing your hurt to him.

Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/09/2011 18:33

I suggested the hug so they could say hello and calm things before he explained his reasons for not coming home and the OP can explain why she is hurt.

Original poster
QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 18:44

I would rather go to work tomorrow as want to save as many days off/ compassionate leave etc for when mum gets worse and I have to rush to be with her etc
Dh is 40

OP posts:
MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/09/2011 18:47

I agree, TheOriginalFAB . While there are things that need to be discussed, you can't beat a good hug and a cry.

fit2drop · 04/09/2011 18:47

Betsy you have put far more eloquently than I what I was trying to say in my earlier post.

Fabby totally agree with you too.

Puppymonkey Im sorry you find my post "bollocks"
You sound incredibly unforgiving, is there no room for people to make a mistake in your life. I find that quite sad .

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/09/2011 18:54

Sorry, OP, x post. If it feels good to be there, don't feel guilty, OK? If not, the leave is there for you to use when you need it. And if that's tomorrow, try not to worry too much about saving it up.

RedHotPokers · 04/09/2011 19:15

OP, so sorry about your Mum. How terrible for you all.

Now is not the time for a big argument - you need to conserve your strength for your mum. If you can bear to do as FAB suggests, then I would, but if not try not to get too worked up. He has been quite amazingly insensitive and unsupportive, but that doesn't mean he is a total waste of space. Give him time to redeem himself and support you.

FWIW, my DSis (who is lovely and normally a great DD and DSis) was absolutely horrendous for a period when my mum was seriously ill. She lived a long way away and just total zoned out from the whole thing for WEEKS when my DMum was very very critical. I still don't know why, but have forgiven her for leaving all the worry and care to me, and put it down as a blip as she was eventually wonderfully supportive and caring. I honestly think that she failed to grasp the real enormity of everything, being so far away, not coming to appts/hospital etc. If you DH is normally a decent person, then I wouold give him another chance.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 19:16

I don't understand people who think his behaviour is reasonable. He went off to a friend's house when his MIL was desperately ill and his wife needed him there. How can that, in any world, be reasonable?

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