To feel so let down by by husband?

[QuestionTime]

Hi
Can feel myself getting progressively more worked up so could really do with some perspective
Basically im 26 and live in windsor, my parents live in Penzance. 3 weeks ago my mum collapsed and was rushed into hospital intensive care. Her brain had swollen up and it was 2 days before she could even recognise me. It turns out that she has 3 nodules in her head that the docs think is cancer. I of course rushed down to be with her and dh came with me. I stayed a week until she got out, dh came home after 3 days as we were worried about the cats etc
Thursday (just gone) she met the neurosurgeon to get the results of her MRI. I drove down to be with her for the appointment. Dh didn't want to come but instead went to visit his friend in Exeter the next day (fri)
Anyway at the appointment we find out that she has 8 tumours and life expectancy of a few months. Going home with her it's obvious how much she has deteriorated already- so forgetful, can't write etc. I'm in absolute pieces - she is not just my mum but my best friend.
Anyway the aibu bit... Dh said he might come back today or mon. He has no signal where he is staying but they have a landline. He hasn't rung me once to see how I am doing. I have just got back to Windsor and sitting home alone is more than I can stand. Surely he should know I need him and come home today to be with me? Or at least just give me a ring to see how I am doing. Added to that he has left the house in a complete tip. Aibu to be furious and hurt at the same time?

Good.

Let's not argue eh? the poor OP is upset, on that we can agree

I don't think aibu is the right place for this thread

QT - remember this. You need help, and he wasn't there.

Eddas, now you are making the OP's husband sound really, really thick.

no, i'm trying to explain that actually unless you have been in the situation you can't know how it feels or what that person needs.

My dh is far from stupid but at times he would do something really insensitve and say stupid things, he didn't mean to as such, he just didn't think how I would feel.

I could give examples to explain what I mean but they would be unhelpful given the op's situation and I don't wish to upset her.

All I was trying to say was. Yes he is being insensitve and not behaving the way he should be but give him a chance.

give him a chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry but even my dp is laughing at that he actually said to me this is his chance, his chance to not be a fucking dick wad....the words of one of those insensitive men incapable of grasping these types of situations.
what he said originally was all he had to do was be there for her and she would never forget it, they would always have that bond together of him being there for her in that hard time.
its not about gender its about consideration and caring enough about someone you are suppose to love to put them first.....he then snorted in disgust.

does he have form for not being supportive?

some people don't know how to handle this sort of stuff. i bet he doesn't know what to say. not that he doesn't care. he just doesn't know how to handle.

only you know the truth here, questiontime.

so sorry about your mum. look after yourself.

spooks, so at any given time in any situation you know exactly how to deal with it? You never get it wrong and then look back and think shit i've been a complete idiot I should have done xxxx.

This is why I say give him a chance.

Op said she had gone to stay with her mum. her dh went away not knowing the severuty of her mums situation. She called and told him and he didn't come back. He should have.

Yes he left the house in a mess, but maybe he thought he would be back home before op and could tidy it then?

Maybe when op called him he still didn't comprehend what she said and that she needed him NOW.

Yes he should have realised but what if for whatever reason he didn't

Yes he was BU not coming straight back but we all make errors of judgement and this is a big one, but we have no idea if this is a normal thing for him or a one off in a very important situation.

From the outside it's very easy to see things.

eddas the way the op has explained it is quite clear, her mum passed out with swelling of the brain, she had tests done and they found nodules i believe was the term. scary times as it is, op went to be with her mum op dp went with her but after a couple of days went home to check on the cats.....then op went to see her mum when she was getting test results, now call me a fool but i would expect my dp to come with me in that situation but no he went to exter to his friends and even after crying phone calls he still didnt come home.
no i would not make a mistake in this instance i would be there unequivocally for my partner/friend/loved one its just for me something that come naturally and i think op deserves to have that.
the reason my reaction is so strong to this is i am imagining how i would feel if i was told if my mother was dying, god. you are the one that has to do the comforting but there is no one there to comfort you. i feel for the op, i hope her dp sorts it out and does a lot better for her sake, but i find his behaviour so far almost unforgivable.

having been in the EXACT situation as op I know exactly how she feels and how my dh reacted. I know exactly how it feels to have your mother collapse and not know why, then the results come and they are devasting. I know exactly how it feels to be told the same as op, that my mum has only a short time left.

He did not want to come to the hospital, he did not visit my mum when she was in there, after she had her diagnosis (obv he did see her after it but not straight away) and never came with me. I didn't expect him to. Had he offered, yes maybe, but he felt it wasn't his place, I was with my family, mum/dad/brother/sister. Having been there, through it all, what I wanted and needed was for someone to be there in my place of normality, not having seen what I had, that could be stong and there for me. Had dh come with me to everything, all the places I had to go for my mum, he would've been the mess I was. I needed him to do what he did, had I needed anything else I would have explained to him and he would have been there.

I never once would have expected anyone to tell me to leave him, he was useless. Far from it, he was a tower of strength, always has been and always will.

I just think op's dh deserves a chance. afterall the diagnosis was only a few days ago.

He doesn't deserve "a chance", he's had several chances this week to be a supportive husband and he has used those chances to say

"I don't care that your mother is dying and that you are upset. I don't my life disrupted by your drama, and I still expect you to do all the housework."

The OP deserves a life with someone who can be there for her at the worst moments.

This is one of those moments, and she has been left utterly, completely alone, even after "spelling out" what she needed.

She might as well count him out in terms support for this, and rely on people who actually care (friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, random strangers she meets on the street).

After this is over she can make sure that the next time she goes through a crisis she has better company.

Quite. I can't imagine how much clearer she could have made herself than "I'm in pieces, please get the next train home"

FWIW I was ill last week. My DP was away. When he knew how bad it was, het got the next ferry home, arriving at 4am. And that was only me being ill, not a real terrible crisis like this :(

Eddas - sounds like youhad an awful time too. Sorry to hear that.

I have to say, although I agree with the "dick wad" diagnosis of spooks' dp earlier - talk about whether QT's marriage is worth it, is probably not what she needs at the moment. She has enough to think about without worrying about that.

QT - yes, tell your DH how bad you think his behaviour has been, yes - tell him what you expect from now on, and then concentrate on your mum and park your concerns about him until later. You don't want to look back on this time and think that you were so upset about your marriage you didn't do everything you needed to do with your mum.

Does your work do compassionate leave? Many employers do, and you won't know until you ask.

If he continues to leave the place in a mess, leave it.

Eddas, there are many parts of your experience that I can identify with; preserving that corner of normality that is untouched by all the upsetting things you deal with daily when someone you love is terminally ill. He hardly ever came to the hospital with me but that was what I needed. Even the small things, like him not smelling of the handwash and alcorub we used when she was in isolation and just smelling, well, normal, was a delicious relief at the end of a hard day.

How are you today OP? How was the night? Good luck at work today.

Eddas just posted a long reply and lost it. Upshot is I've been there too and if the ex was so cold and callous as to not be with me during my darkest hours preferring to be in the pub then he did not deserve me.

I didn't leave him straight away but treating me like that was unforgiveable and was a major nail in the coffin of my marriage.

eddas thats totally fair enough if thats what you need and sorry to hear that you had to go through that, but op is making it clear to her dp that she is looking for some more hands on support. i think that is just as understandable.
hope you are doing well today op and have sorted stuff out with you dp.

I despair of mn at times I really do. To all the people who think i'm wrong to say give him a chance, I don't care, I still think he deserves that, if it then turns out he isn't there, then yes I agree he's an arse, but if this is the only time he hasn't been supportive, then come on give him a chance to be supportive.

It's not a case of him prefering to be in the pub at all. Not from what op said. When he went he didn't know what the situation was, how was he to know what the diagnosis was. In the same way my dh couldn't have forseen that my Dad would call me one Monday evening and tell me, he wasn't there, right then in that moment, he was at the gym. Should I be divorcing dh because he went to the gym when I found? As soon as dh knew he was there, and I hope op's dh is too. yes her dh didn't get the first train home, which was a bad decision, very bad and I would be furious, but after calming down and telling my dh in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable I know my dh would apologise an we would move on. At this point in time op does not need to be bogged down in her dh, she needs to concentrate on her and her mum. You can't change what he did but you can move on and accept, yes it wasn't right but we all mess up and he did, royally, but that's not to say he will continue to mess up.

Mitmoo, i'm sorry your dh wasn't there, that isn't forgiveable, but until we know if this is a one off, or continuous uselessness then we don't know if op's dh is really useless.

Robotindisguise is right and said what I was trying to. At this point in time op doesn't need the 'leave him comments'

I still stand by my comments, you can't understand this situation if you haven't been there, you really can't. You have no idea how you will react. You can say 'I would do this' be like that, but this is a unique situation, one I hope you are never in. I have been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I have had friends in this situation, before I was, and although I was supportive and helped I didn't really truely understand until it happened to me. A friend was in my situation after I was and I was in floods of tears, I couldn't understand why. Then dh said it's because you know how she feels, you truely understand. He was right. I truely know how she was feeling, her emotions, what she was thinking and how she would be feeling in the months and years to come.

op, I really hope once dh eventually came home, that he apologised for not coming back straight away and that he is able to be there for you as you need him to.

x-post with spooks, I think we will need to agree to disagree, I really think some posters are being unfair on op's dh atm, until we know his usual form and what he does in the future. But I know that everyone has their own opinion and that's fine

So what happened? Poor OP has gone - did her H get home? How are things today? Hope she comes back later and tells us things are a bit clearer today, my heart goes out to her.

Quite frankly the OP's H is a callous twunt.

When your spouse/partner's DM is seriously ill/dying you do not,if you are a decent, caring person, go and visit friends for a couple of days, especially friends that live in a place where you are uncontactable. What a decent, caring person would do would be to be there for their DW/H/P. They'd go with them to be supportive, or at the very least ask them what they can do to help and support them. Even if it was only taking over the running of the house and being there for them when they got home.

Personally, if I was married and my DH let me down like this I would be seriously be considering ending the relationship. I'd lose all respect for a man who thinks it's okay to go visiting friends at a time when he should be supporting his DW.

He knew her mother had multiple brain tumours.

He knew the OP had taken her mother to get a diagnosis.

He was in a house with a landline.

He didn't phone to enquire after his MIL's health, or his wife's wellbeing for 3 days.

When called on the third day by his distraught wife he was "not best pleased" to be disturbed.

Despite knowing that his wife was at home alone, upset and needing him, he didn't bother to get the next train home.

Nobody who reacted like that to my mother being seriously ill would get to call himself my husband.

And it's not remotely like going to the fucking gym on an ordinary weeknight.

I would treat people I don't even like that much with more care in a similar situation.

And I'm not even that nice.

Agree with you totally SCOTT.

I really feel for this OP. Of course she doesn't want to hear this now, but what you've said is the truth of it and pretending it is otherwise is not going to help her at all.

Eddas you have been in the situation, you can't know how she feels. We all react very differently. For me I deeply resented being abandoned while I watched my mother fighting for her life

When my Mum was in intensive care, she looked so bad they didn't even want me to see her, she was still on the main ward when I first got there, and had tubes out of her nose and mouth, they wanted me to wait until she got to intensive care but she might not have made it at that stage.

Other patients were even traumatised apparantly as she'd had the heart attack on the hospital bed in the ward, which is what ultimately saved her but we didn't know it at the time.

Wanker of a husband wouldn't get out of bed turn over saying "I hope she will be OK" and went back to sleep. It was highly likely that she wouldn't make it and they resusitated her a further four times that day. I drove to the hospital on my own in the early hours screaming hysterically that God wasn't going to have my Mum. Nuts I know but I couldn't help it.

Later in the day instead of being with me he was in the pub. That was the day I stopped lying and covering up for him. When his family called and asked where he was I didn't say "he's working, can't be helped" I said "I'm with my family, he's in the pub haven't seen him all day".

My family were told the same, one brother asked if he'd ever hit me and I told the truth about that too to all of my siblings.

I would have never "betrayed" him before but that day the lying and backside covering for him was over. A "man" who would leave a dog to go through that alone, never mind his wife, doesn't deserve to have a wife IMHO. I have forgotten so many of the crappy things he has done this thread has brought that particular pain back to me.

OP I hope you're OK and you are perfectly within your rights to be angry.

karma Goodness knows what she needs right now perhaps the distraction of threads like this confirming she is right to be angry at him might just take her mind off the greater pain of what she's going through. I hope so anyway. I do feel for her, losing a parent is one of the worst pains, I don't know what to say to her that could make her feel better other than she is justified in her anger.

Awful situation.

Jesus the vitriol on here for a man you do not know other than he made a "bad call" is frankly eye opening.

OP knows her dh has behaved badly, she is acutely aware of feeling neglected and unsupported during what could be the most awful thing she has ever had to deal with.

I truly hope they have managed to sort this out, that OP has been able to make her DH understand how crap he made her feel and that he has taken it all on board and realises she is well within her rights to feel so let down. And that he will now support her in the way she needs and deserves, and that will be her call.

I am always amazed at the "get out your marriage, leave him, hang him" brigade who do not ever allow for human frailties and that as humans we get it wrong.
Not one of us is married to superman,

My dh is my rock, he supports me, he understands me,he keeps it real for me but bloody hell he gets it wrong sometimes, no way would I shoot him for that.
We talk and I explain why I feel hurt and he explains where he was coming from , we thrash it out and hopefully it does not get repeated.

SCOTT you said

And I'm not even that nice

well you got that bit of your post right

OP
I hope you are feeling ok today and that you find a way to move forward in the best way for you and your DH and your Mum .