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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down by by husband?

137 replies

QuestionTime · 04/09/2011 10:39

Hi
Can feel myself getting progressively more worked up so could really do with some perspective
Basically im 26 and live in windsor, my parents live in Penzance. 3 weeks ago my mum collapsed and was rushed into hospital intensive care. Her brain had swollen up and it was 2 days before she could even recognise me. It turns out that she has 3 nodules in her head that the docs think is cancer. I of course rushed down to be with her and dh came with me. I stayed a week until she got out, dh came home after 3 days as we were worried about the cats etc
Thursday (just gone) she met the neurosurgeon to get the results of her MRI. I drove down to be with her for the appointment. Dh didn't want to come but instead went to visit his friend in Exeter the next day (fri)
Anyway at the appointment we find out that she has 8 tumours and life expectancy of a few months. Going home with her it's obvious how much she has deteriorated already- so forgetful, can't write etc. I'm in absolute pieces - she is not just my mum but my best friend.
Anyway the aibu bit... Dh said he might come back today or mon. He has no signal where he is staying but they have a landline. He hasn't rung me once to see how I am doing. I have just got back to Windsor and sitting home alone is more than I can stand. Surely he should know I need him and come home today to be with me? Or at least just give me a ring to see how I am doing. Added to that he has left the house in a complete tip. Aibu to be furious and hurt at the same time?

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/09/2011 19:33

I wouldn't let him through the door.

He is a waste of oxygen.

You're right, OP, he clearly doesn't care about you at all.

Shit time to find out, but at least now you know.

Focus on your Mum now, by the time you are through this getting rid of him will be easy.

Don't even bother having a row. Just cut him off. He's said all he needs to say over the last few days.

So sorry about your Mum :(

Lean on someone who really loves you - you must have friends who will rally around.

Mitmoo · 04/09/2011 19:34

Imperial there is nowhere in the world where her partner is not a complete a wanker for his behaviour. I hope she prints out this thread for him.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/09/2011 19:43

I wouldn't let him through the door.

He is a waste of oxygen.

You're right, OP, he clearly doesn't care about you at all.

Shit time to find out, but at least now you know.

Focus on your Mum now, by the time you are through this getting rid of him will be easy.

Don't even bother having a row. Just cut him off. He's said all he needs to say over the last few days.

So sorry about your Mum :(

Lean on someone who really loves you - you must have friends who will rally around.

SnakeOnCrack · 04/09/2011 20:55

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, that's terrible and I'd be in bits in your place. Yes, your husband has let you down badly and I feel for you. Give a friend a ring, get some support

ChrissasMissis · 04/09/2011 21:04

Gosh, You are so NBU. However, I have found through experience that men - actually, not just men, but people - don't always know how to deal with such huge, life-altering experiences such as this. A few years ago I lost a partner to cancer and was quite surprised at the way that some people who I considered dear and trusted friends could not cope with my situation. People often just don't know what to say. It's almost like they're scared that they might say the wrong thing and it makes them uncomfortable. If I were in your position, I would gently tell your DH how much you need his support and ask him to be honest, open and terribly patient with you.

I wish you strength and luck. Remember to take care of yourself as much as you are able.

CurrySpice · 04/09/2011 21:06

fit2drop I'm sorry but you are talking bollocks and tbh if I were the OP your posts would make me pretty livid

There is no excuse on the earth for this thoughless, selfish, terrible behaviour

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your mom :(

FredBare · 04/09/2011 21:08

lol, nothing like communication and talking out your anger and fears and upset is there and trying to share your feelings

nah not on MN, its leave the barrrrrrrstarrrrrrd straight off

Grin
CurrySpice · 04/09/2011 21:09

Glad it's amused you Fred Hmm

Talker2010 · 04/09/2011 21:10

I could understand why he might not want to be there when your Mum went to the hospital

BUT

Now that he knows ... and has been shown your distress ... for him not to come straight home ... no justification ... none

wotabouttheworkers · 04/09/2011 21:25

QT, so sorry you are going through this. It is one of those situations where a man needs clear instructions, not just information. Ring him and say quite simply that you are devastated and that he must come back to be with you. Don't only tell him about your mother's condition, tell him about your own and what he should do. Agree with Figs - tell him what he should do now and in the future, giving him criticism of his behaviour his faults will very likely put him off doing what you need. Sending a hug

CurrySpice · 04/09/2011 21:26

Christ I cannot believe how many MNers believe "men" to be so emotionally stunted they can't work out this very simple and obvious conundrum for themselves Angry

SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/09/2011 21:31

"It is one of those situations where a man needs clear instructions"

Hmm

A person who needs a set of clear instructions that they need to be kind and supportive of their spouse when a parent has been diagnosed with a terminal illness barely qualifies as a human.

No fucking way can you blame this utter failure to give even the tiniest shit about his wife's grief on his gender.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 21:32

Talker, sometimes we have to do difficult things. Obviously we don't want to do them. The OP doesn't WANT to go to hospital to hear her mum doesn't have long to live. Her husband should put his own desires behind him and support her at such an awful time.

wotabouttheworkers - she did phone him. She did tell him to come straight away. He was minutes from a station and a train was due in two hours. He didn't take it, choosing to take a later one. He didn't tell her this.

FFS.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 21:33

Her husband wasn't sitting at home with his head in his arms, frightened to go to the hospital. He went to his mate's house and turned his phone off.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2011 21:34

OP, you are 26, still very, very young. You have some difficult times ahead of you, not just now with your mum, but later in your life, too. Everyone has. Are you sure this man is the one you want standing alongside you on that journey?

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 21:41

I agree that this man has behaved unacceptably. No excuse.

the thread has gone from YANBU to not letting him in the door!

He needs to come home. QT needs him.

He does however need the flaming RIOT act read to him and told that his swanning off is not acceptable, going MIA is not on, ever. He has to be present, has to be ready to take on 100% house duties if called to do so, at the drop of a hat. This will involve cancelling his plans, rescheduling activities, taking responsibilities, DC, shopping, cooking and cleaning as need be, without thought, without hesitation and without complaint.

WHY? because QT will, in these next few months be prioritising spending time with and caring for her terminally ill mother, and quite frankly NOTHING is more important. Remind him that FWIW, if it were HIM being given only weeks to live, you would do the same and expect everyone else to support you in this period.

This is not negotiable.

fit2drop · 04/09/2011 21:45

Curry , well you aint the OP are you and hopefully OP will get the love and support she deserves from her dh. You obviously have chosen the same as Monkey to just choose one tiny bit of my post to pick on . I actually said he had behaved badly .
However I do not think that husbands partners male or female deserve to be lynched because they do not get the supportive role right every time and I certainly dont believe the OP needs to be told her DH is a crap husband. How the hell do MNers know that from one event . I have every sympathy for the situation the OP is in having been in similar situation not so long ago and its a horrible place to be in , I also stated that the OP had every right to be angry with her DH and I agreed that his behaviour could not be blamed on gender.
also which bit of this is bollocks

I really hope his thoughtlessness does not add another crisis to your already fragile state and that when he gets home you can get him to understand where you are coming from with all your hurt and anger and you allow him to support you.

So Curry wind your kneck in and read the full meaning of a post before pulling little bits of it to shreds to make it back up your rather warped view.

CurrySpice · 04/09/2011 21:53

I wasn't even referring to you fit2 so wind your own neck in if that's OK Hmm You have assumed that, it wasn't - bit warped yourself!!

But now you mention it thisis not about the DH getting "lynched because they do not get the supportive role right every time."

This is not a subtle a judgement call, it's not about getting it right every time. This is not a "I wonder if I should go home" close call.

This is most likely the worst thing the OP has ever had to face in her life and she's doing it alone because her DP has got a very easy call to make (ie I should be with my DW) spectatcularly wrong/ On an epic scale.

It's not as if he answered a question like "does my bum look big in this?" slightly insenstively. He got a really big (and because it is big, really straightforward - a no brainer) really really completely wrong

I never said you blamed it on his gender but many MNers have. Bu tlike I say, it wasn't all about you Hmm

fit2drop · 04/09/2011 21:57

errr Curry I think you was referring to me

CurrySpice Sun 04-Sep-11 21:06:18
fit2drop I'm sorry but you are talking bollocks and tbh if I were the OP your posts would make me pretty livid

and that ^^ is what I was referring to in my last post Hmm

now go take ya ruck somewhere else , theres a love Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 04/09/2011 21:59

Fred, maybe on MN, so many people say 'leave the bastard', because we read so many threads where a 'partner' (and I use that word loosely) behaves so incredibly poorly and doesn't deserve to keep their lovely spouse.

I'm struggling to see how any person would need a clear instruction to stay with their wife and support her at a time like this. He has had a clear instruction and still chose to stay at his mates and get a later train home. Nice!

Eddas · 04/09/2011 22:01

unfortunately I know your exact situation with regards your mum Sad I'm so sorry for you and your family xx

I know your dh not being there for you is not good, but please give him a chance. Although you have told him the severity he may not realise the true extend. I have been in a similar situation and my dh didn't understand sometimes, it's not his fault, but it isn't their mum and unless it is, you wouldn't understand the emotions and what is needed from them. I don't know if that makes sense, but try and explain to him and tell him what you need from him and why. I'm sure he will be there for you once you do, he just needs it explaining to him.

That's not to say I agree with him going away and not coming home after you called him in tears btw, just that from experience with my situation I do realise that the other person in the relationship (ie in our cases dh) doesn't understand at all how you are feeling.

Take care of yourself, talk to your dh and tell him what you need from him.

CurrySpice · 04/09/2011 22:01

Oh! I am blushing! I thought you meant my 21:26 post referred to you. I do apologise Blush

I'd forgotten about you talking bollock earlier!!

I've looked back and yes you were. HTH.

And there's a love, Hmm give it a rest

SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/09/2011 22:12

What is the point of reading him the riot act?

He doesn't give a fuck, he's made that much clear.

You can't force someone to care.

She doesn't NEED him. The last thing she needs now is having to coerce an unwilling man to support her through her mother's death.

It sounds like they don't have DCs, so she can care for her mother without any input from him.

Given that his response so far has been to leave her extra work to do and give out to her when she phoned him up to ask him to come home because she was distraught, she'll do this better without him.

fit2drop · 04/09/2011 22:13

see now curry that post ^^ now that made me laugh Grin

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 04/09/2011 22:13

OP I hope your DH steps up.

I am so sorry to read about your Mum. Like lisa I am not a million miles away from Windsor and would be happy to lend a shoulder and some tea wine.

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