Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect my teenaged son to pay us a decent rent now he's working full time?

239 replies

julesbd · 31/08/2011 23:17

My 19 year old son decided after A levels to take a year out, so he's been working full time (at min wage take home £180 per week) for the last 6 months and paying us £25 per wk housekeeping/rent. He was supposed to be starting an HND this Sept, but he's decided to carry on working instead of going to college, which is ok. My husband says that he should be paying more rent (£50 per wk) as he's now a wage earner not a student. He is horrified although that would still leave him with £50 + per week disposable income after all his bills (car ins, petrol, rent, phone bill). We are both professionals on good salaries with the usual bills and 3 children and we do not have £50 spare per week each to spend on ourselves. AWBU? Bear in mind he has really good food, internet, nice big warm bedroom, avoids household chores if possible and gets to have his girlfriend to stay. If he lived in a rented flat he'd have to pay way more for much less comfort.
What is an acceptable amount to charge a young worker living at home?

OP posts:
Riveninabingle · 02/09/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PintOfStellaAndBuckfastChaser · 02/09/2011 09:38

YANBU, bare in mind, even if you took 1/3 of his take home pay, he would still have £120 left to himself. Yes, I know he has a car and petrol e.t.c, but he chooses to have those outgoings, not alot of teenagers have their own car.

I left school at 16 and worked full time. As an apprentice hairdresser, I only earned £60pw and I had to pay my parents £20pw, and I still had bus fares, lunches, fags booze e.t.c to pay out of my £40 that I had left.

When I had DS, I was still living at home, and the short time I was on benefits after he was born, I had to pay £30pw out of my £90pw benefits, which only left me £60 to get nappies, food, clothes for DS e.t.c

What pissed me of though, was when DS was born, my younger sister had left school and was at college, however she had a weekend and evening job, her take-home pay was MORE than my benefits AND she had a bursary from college as well, and my parents never took a penny off of her, because she was studying. She had so much money to burn, and I was a struggling single mum, yet she got to keep all her money to herself, and got my mum to make sandwiches for her!

I didn't mind paying my way, it would have cost me alot more if I moved out, it was just the fact my sister, who had more money than me and only herself to provide for, never had to pay anything.

sayithowitis · 02/09/2011 10:14

Personally, I don't think it matters whether the parents can afford not to take money from their working children or not. I believe it is important to take something from them so that they are aware that wherever they choose to live, it costs money. I think very, very few people choose to 'make money' out of their children, because most parents don't take anything like the amount it actually costs to have another person living in your home.

Dc1 is at university. Gets full loan and a grant. During term time,, I give a bit towards food etc, but when at home during vacations, I don't, because I need that to pay for the extra costs of having DC1 at home - food, electricity, etc. ( and whatever FC might think, it is noticeable that the electricity bill increases during university vacations!) During summer break, DC1 has to work in order to earn the money to pay the rent on the house at university. I do not take money off Dc1 for keep at that time, because most of earnings is paying the rent. However, when DC1 had a gap year, and was earning, I did take housekeeping money. To help cover costs of having another adult in the house. And I will do the same when DC2 gets to that age.

IMO, it is important for them to realise that they cost money. It is not the responsibility of DH and I to keep them and financially support them forevermore. I would not , personally, charge for mortgage/council tax, as those costs are fixed, regardless of whether DCs are here or not. But any consumable, such as fuel, food, even the telephone, I think they should contribute. And actually, £50 a week is still cheap. Knowing what teenage boys are like, I wouldn't mod betting that most of that just about covers the cost of food, let alone other bills and having the luxury of knowing the heating/hot water/phone etc is always available and that somehow clothes get washed and ironed, dinners get cooked etc without the DS/DD having to worry about it! And then of course, there is the Mum and Dad Taxi service that is open 24/7.

Anyway, I am so glad for you FC, that you are not 'making money' out of your child. Personally I would have considered £10,000 a trifle excessive for two weeks rent at Christmas, but there we are. And a house? Really? I suspect that if all the parents on here talking about whether to take £50 or £60 a week from their children, were to save it up and never spend a penny of it, they would still never have enough to buy a house! Round here, at that rate it would take about 96 years to save enough for a mid terrace average home. I think that the words pot, kettle and black are beginning to appear in front of my eyes!

2rebecca · 02/09/2011 10:32

To me having a year working before going to uni should be no different to having a year working after finishing uni. In both cases you are choosing to work for that year not be a student and as an adult in that case should contribute to household bills.
If my kids decide to have gap years (which I'm not keen on in the current economic climate ) I would ensure they realise this and can then choose which country to do a gap year in realising they will be paying bills wherever they go.

sayithowitis · 02/09/2011 13:56

2rebecca, not sure if your last post was for my benefit or somebody else's? As I said, I did take money from DC1 during their gap year. They were working and living at home, therefore had all the benefits that have been covered elsewhere already.

I agree that at the moment a gap year is almost a luxury, but fortunately for Dc1, a job opportunity arose in the area of work they were interested in ( at a much lower level, it really is a profession where a degree is a requirement) and it was a good opportunity for DC1 to get an idea of the job before committing to their chosen degree. It's a shame that many kids won't have that chance this year. I know several who have chosen to go to university this year rather than take a gap year, due to the situation wrt student fees and jobs. :(

ZZZenAgain · 02/09/2011 13:58

sorry haven't read the thread but if he is having a year out of education in order to work, maybe it would be an idea if a fair chunk of that 50 quid he has spare was being saved toward his studies, living costs next year.

2rebecca · 02/09/2011 14:36

My post was aimed at the person who started the thread.

troisgarcons · 02/09/2011 14:45

I'm going to put a completely different spin on this - saves starting another thread on a fairly same issue.

I worked with a girl once, Irish Catholic, one of 10 children. I think her mum must have passed on as she only ever referred to her dad in the presnt tense. Anyway, all of the 10 children, who had long flown the nest, married, had children of their own, all sent him 10% of their earnings so he wouldn't have to scrimp on a very poor state pension (i think the old boy had been a labourer and never paid into private pensions)

There we go, chew that one over.

sayithowitis · 02/09/2011 14:45

Sorry 2rebecca, misunderstanding.

alemci · 02/09/2011 21:22

Also in some cultures the grandparents live with their DC and they are looked after by them financially. I think our DC seem to have such a sense of entitlement.

A1980 · 03/09/2011 19:02

Also in some cultures the grandparents live with their DC and they are looked after by them financially. I think our DC seem to have such a sense of entitlement.

Yes, in cultures that don't have a welfare state. We have an extremely generous welfare state.

Alemci, I hardly think it's fair for you to say that children have a sense of entitlement because they don't want to finance their parents. I think it's bad to have children just so they can pay for you as soon as they leave school, especailly in the OP's case where they blatantly don't need the money as they have 2 professional salaries, a big house and can afford all the bills, etc. If their son left the house tomorrow they'd probably find that it wouldn't make a difference to the bills or food anyway. Once you've got 5 people in a big house, one less wont make much difference. They would pay their mortgage, council tax, bills, food whether or not their DS is there. I just thiink they don't like the fact that their son has more pocket money than they do. The op says her DH is horrifed by it. They made their choices and had 3 kids and bought a big house. It's hardy their sons fault if they don't have muhc money left over.

Also tell me Alemci, would you be happy for your parents or worse, your PIL's to live with you and your family while you have to pay to raise your children and also finacially support your parents? If not, then you're a hypocrite.

In this day and age and with bills, fuel, food prices, housing prices gonig through the roof, how many people could afford to raise their own family and also financially support their paretns anyway.

I just find it a bit distasteful that barely a day goes by when people are slagging off their parents or PIL's and yet expect their own DC's to finance them maybe your DC's will feel that way about you then when they're older.

Also I hope you all treat your DC's the same as my mum didn't and I'm still pissed off with her today. I finished uni, my brother did not. I incurred huge debts, he did not. He was working from 20 after he got kicked out of uni, I was not. But when my brother was working in his early 20's, he lived at home while i was away at uni in halls of residence and private rented houses, paying rent, bills, food, laundry, etc, etc, etc. I got into debt with it all. My early 20's brother was at home, working full time and had a net monthly salary of about £1000. My mum took £50 a week off him and the rest he spent as he pelased. So he had £800 a month cash to spend on himself and by god he did. He had everything he wanted. When I got back from post grad law school and started as a trainee solicitor on a shit wage, I had no choice but to go home.

I was £1500 overdrawn as a hang over from uni and paying all the bills, and rent, etc. I earned £16k as a trainee and my net earnings were about £1000. I had to pay £350 on my law school loans, and £100 on my travel card and that left me with £550 a month to live on and try and put my overdraft back. I expected pay mum the same as my brother, £200 a month, which would give me £350 a month to live on. OH NO! My mum took £400 a month off me, which is £100 a week. So I had £150 a month to eat and pay my overdraft back. My mum also made me pay for the food shop at weekends when my borther has never shopped for mum in his life!!!!!! I was living on tins of spagetti for lunch at work as they are only about 30p and I couldn't afford anything else. When i said to mum she was charging me double the rent my brother paid, she said it was to make up for the years I lived at uni and wasn't paying her rent. Am I missing something? I didn't live there and couldn't owe her rent. So she was retrospectively charging me rent for not living at home and while I was paying someone else rent.

What can i say, I have a warm feeling towards my mum for putting me on this earth to provide for her when I had fuck all money and nothing to eat at lunch. Sense of entitlement from DC's? From the paretns more like. You don't breed children to provide for you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/09/2011 19:13

You breed children to increase the population and contribute to society. I really think some posters want to stay in the 'matriarch' controller forever. They might call it bringing up their children, I call it infantilising them.

Is it really impossible to have a debate about this without some posters calling others names? Or talking about their bad childhoods as if that was a reason to transfer the baggage to their own families?

We all parent differently, so what? Who cares?

littlemisssarcastic · 03/09/2011 21:37

A1980 After reading your post, I assume you agree with the way your mother dealt with your brother then?
Or should your mother not have asked your brother for any contribution?

A1980 · 03/09/2011 22:55

My mum needed the extra money whereas the OP doesn't seem to.

She shouldn't have charged me double the rent she charged him though as he had way more money than I did and no debt to pay off. It was unfair.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't charge her son anything but seeing as the OP would be paying the mortgage, energy bills, council tax, food, etc for a four people anyway if her eldest wasn't there and he seems to pay for everything else himself anyway (car, mobile, clothes) the only thing is food really. One person doesn't make much difference to enery and food billls once you've got 5 in the house. The Op's bills and food costs wouldn't drop by a massive perecentage if he left. The OP would be buying food for a fmaily of four if her DS wasn't there. His £25 a week contribution seems enough to cover food.

It's the OP's attitude to him having more expendable income than her and her DH being horrified by the fact that thier son will have £50 a week left when they don't each even though they can afford a big house and all the things that go with it. Their son doesn't have a big house and £50 left over to spend, he has £50 and that's it. It's about expenses not making sure your son doesn't have more money than you. I think the £25 is enough and that was my point.

littlemisssarcastic · 03/09/2011 23:31

My XP's mother had the same opinion as you A1980.
She thought about how much XP cost to feed, and charged him accordingly.

Subsequently, he assumed this status quo was perfectly adequate wherever he lived. Shock Anyone who asked him for more was ripping him off. Shock

When he moved in with me, he refused to contribute towards rent/council tax/telephone line rental/tv licence/sky/internet/window cleaner, because in his own words, 'You would be paying that whether I was there or not, so I'm not paying towards those things'.
He contributed very little towards the other bills, because as he saw it, they were my responsibilities, since they were in my name.

He didn't differentiate between his mums house and mine, and he hasn't changed his attitude through 5 partners since we split. He is almost 30 now and it's unlikely he'll change his attitude now.

I know of a few other men who also think this way too. They believe it is a woman's role to look after them. Sad

I hope your brother appreciates what your mother did for him and has propelled himself into independent living now.

A1980 · 03/09/2011 23:42

Littlemiss I'm not surprised he's your XP!

I hope your brother appreciates what your mother did for him and has propelled himself into independent living now.

Appreciate it?! Not my brother. He lives independantly now but he's an ungrateful pig.

God life was miserable back then when i was a trainee. It was work and bed with a can of heinz spag hoops for lunch. I declined every lunch offer, coffee offer, dinner offer, no outings, no holidays and I mooched about at weekends finding free things to do. If I needed new clothes / shoes (as you do at work) it went on the credit card and more debt it what it meant. That went on for about 2 years.

CherylWillBounceBack · 04/09/2011 00:05

At the end of the day, did your children ask to be born?

No.

Stop acting like you'ré doing him a favour, sitting there in a house he can barely dream of ever affording thanks to the generations before him committing financial crimes.

What a warped sense of responsibility towards the lives you created some of you have.

littlemisssarcastic · 04/09/2011 00:07

Sounds like it was hard A1980

How are things now? I'm thinking your life is probably far nicer than your brothers now. I hope so.

A1980 · 04/09/2011 00:23

It was hard. It's ok now. I've been qualified for a while but i'm not in an area of law that very profitable although I enjoy it. I'll be out of debt in a year. I can afford more now.

I still don't own property and I split up with my DP after he backed out on fertility treatment.

My brothers married, own house, etc. More secure than me. In fact i have no security at all.

A1980 · 04/09/2011 00:26

I agree cheryl. This generation will struggle to afford property and i certainly can't afford it. the Op's son will never afford a big house like them but they're both pissed off that he has £50 a week left to spend. Beggars belief and I feel sorry for their son.

Longtime · 04/09/2011 12:17

I can see your point re affording property A1980 but I do think you're exaggerating what you're reading and being rather unfair on the OP.

I think it comes down to the way the dc is living his/her life. If we could afford it and my ds had that much money left over, was saving some of it (in an attempt to eventually get on the property ladder) and spending some of it I would think that was great and not want to charge him more. If however he was spending every cent of it on frivilous things I think I would be more inclined to ask him for more. I would then do what has been suggested here and save the extra for him but I'd still take it.

I have to say that our electricity/gas bills are much lower when our two adult ds's are away at university (they spend a lot of time in their rooms with various electrical items on the go plus there are the long showers and piles of washing). Ditto the food bill - about half in fact as dd and I eat much less than them and dh is out at work all day.

In addition, the loss of family allowance for a third child here in Belgium is approximately ?300/month. That money has to come from somewhere!

Riveninabingle · 04/09/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosemaryandThyme · 04/09/2011 12:51

His girlfriend should not be staying over - just plain yicky.

alemci · 04/09/2011 14:04

Cheryl very curious how have the previous generations committing financial crimes enabled the OP to have a large house?

BalloonSlayer · 04/09/2011 15:40

"His girlfriend should not be staying over - just plain yicky."

He is NINETEEN! An adult.

Swipe left for the next trending thread