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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make my husband drive all the way back to the shops (30 min each way)

159 replies

Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 16:30

AIBU to make my husband drive all the way back to the shops (30 min each way) because he bought the wrong thing?

Background: my 7 year old daughter had her Grade 1 Tap exam today. She has worked REALLY hard for it - practising for nearly half an hour twice a day, and without being "instructed" to - just because she knew she should. I am really proud of the dedication and perseverance she has shown - as of course is my husband (her Daddy).

Since she had been working so hard we thought it would be nice to buy her a present to reward her hard work, which my husband chose and purchased at the supermarket before he came home (finished work at noon today). We gave her the gift when she came home after the exam (we didn't want to wait to find out the mark, because the reward is for her work, not for how well she has done) and she was really thrilled. Especially as it is really rare for us to buy gifts other than for birthdays/Christmas, and she wasn't expecting a gift at all.

Anyway - she opened it up, and it was a DS Dogs game - however, turns out my husband bought a game for the DS3D, and it won't fit into my daughter's DS. Cue tears of disappointment - particularly when my husband said to her "Never mind, I'll see if I have time to change it after work tomorrow."

I made him go now - yes, it is a half hour drive each way, but I just feel that after all her hard work and us giving her a gift and making such a big deal about how we were so proud of the effort she has made, for the gift then to be something she can't use but we will swop it "maybe tomorrow" is a bit too much of a damp squib for her.

My husband, naturally, thinks I am being unreasonable. Although he bloody well did as he was told, cos this is that sort of household. Grin I'm not being unreasonable am I? To think that she shouldn't have to wait til tomorrow, if it is possible (if a bit inconvenient) to sort it out today?

OP posts:
2shoes · 31/08/2011 18:35

yanbu
poor kid must have been all disappointed, no way would I have made her wait until the next day, glad you didn't

scottishmummy · 31/08/2011 18:38

gosh no.ones 7yo must have instant gratification.no waiting.no excuses
i mean what moral lesson would she learn from good things come to those who wait
pah,none

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2011 18:38

It's an 'arsey' thread from start to finish really. Not every poster made a 'verucca salt' comment but OP was obviously expecting everybody to agree with her. So they didn't, so what?

youarekidding · 31/08/2011 18:42

I actually do agree in some aspects that waiting is OK. EG the nerf gun as I expect there were other things planned for the day, other new toys to play with.

In the op example her DH was home. He said to his DD 'he'll see if he has time to change it tomorrow' - there was no promise he would and I expect this would be late evening by the time he got home. IF it could have been done say first thing then waiting not so bad, or a garuntee it would be done, again not so bad.

What lovely thing the OP's DD has learnt is that working hard gets rewarded and that her father will do what he can to rectify mistakes (and they had some time together) instead of learning her hard work is rewarded but then taken away with a non commital about when she'll get a replacement.

I would at times make DS wait, there are times I wouldn't. He has never had a tantrum because he can't do something or have something. Not all children who get treated every now and again turn out to be Veruca Salts.

bonkers20 · 31/08/2011 18:44

Did you act on the spur of the moment? e.g. Don't worry darling, Daddy will change it for you. Perhaps you were very disappointed as well. I can see how you'd be upset for her after such a lovely day and the excitement of giving her a totally unexpected gift.

Would you have been prepared to have gone to change it? IMO, YABU to "make" him change it because he made the mistake. It could have been either of you.

It's a classic case where acknowledging her feelings would have probably have done the trick. Now instead of spending an hour this evening being together and enjoying her success your DH is in the car.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 18:48

Lying - actually I don't think that is fair. I have said several times that I take on board that I probably should have just done it myself, and that getting my husband to do it if he didn't want to may have been unreasonable.

In fact the only real things I have disputed are the very negative comments about my relationship with my husband and some really very mean comments about my daughter. I have even ignored a fair bit of name calling.

I have also argued my corner as regards to whether rectifying a mistake immediately is a "bad thing" which will cause my daughter to demand instant gratification at all times. I think that posters are right, if every time she wanted something it was done immediately then it would have that potential effect. But I also think that there are occasions when it is simply the kind and generous thing to do. And I don't think a bit of kindness and thoughtfullness directed towards a child occasionally will irreparably damage them forever.

However, I have also learnt that possibly my posting style is a bit too dramatic. Bit of a conundrum there, though, as if I had posted a very bland description of the events you probably wouldn't have bothered to reply....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 18:49

I think this thread has been quite restrained, actually Smile

it has a lot of bingo cards for one that could really fly ...

fair play to OP for that ie. not throwing a hissy strop (well, not much Wink )

but if you lay your family life, and the way you deal with these situations, bare, expect some commentary

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 18:52

ha, cross posted with ya there, OM

we said the same thing (more or less) too Smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2011 18:57

OP... Your post at 18.28 was really quite sarcastic. I get it, you feel aggrieved and the non-supportive posts compounded it. I didn't say anything about your daughter, I posted that I didn't think you were very fair and left it at that. I'm not the spokesman for the name-calling (which I don't agree with).

Yes, your posting style is dramatic, you used some words and phrases to get a response - and you did.

Hope your daughter enjoys her game. :)

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 19:05

Lying - yes, that one was supposed to be sarcastic. I just couldn't resist it. Grin

However, the points which I made within it were a valid way of responding to some of the posts on the thread, which themselves were filling in between the lines with enormous assumptions (ie that because I wanted to stem my child's disappointment on this occasion it meant that I never let her suffer any disappointment and that she is a massively spoilt brat). I reserve the right to get a bit uppity on occasion.

And I know you haven't made any personal comments - but the fact that I dispute some of the assumptions made by some posters is NOT the same as refusing to accept there are areas that I have been unreasonable.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2011 19:08

Let's face it... we're ALL unreasonable at some time or other.... Grin

LineRunner · 31/08/2011 19:13

I still don't know.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 19:14

Thanks LineRunner. I will take that to mean there is virtue in both arguments. :)

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 31/08/2011 19:22

I'm right, Linerunner, should you need shoving off that fence post Wink

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/08/2011 19:23

I think "will definitely change it tomorrow" would have been fine. It's the "see if I have time tomorrow" that would rankle (and probably led to your overreacting in the other direction to make him change it now). He ought to change it tomorrow; if he genuinely doesn't think he'll have time tomorrow then there's nothing wrong with changing it today instead.

defrocked · 31/08/2011 19:24

i think its appalling that you would treat her father like a naughty child who needed to do as he was bloody well told

that sends out a terrible message

i dont see this one lasting tbh :)

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 19:24

LineRunner, fgs, make your mind up

the whole thread is hanging on your < gavel > decision Smile

defrocked · 31/08/2011 19:26

Poor Daddy wasn't shattered, poor Daddy was playing computer games.

not like poor mummy who is so busy she can spend hours faffing on tinternet :)

notlettingthefearshow · 31/08/2011 19:33

YABU. She could have waited - she's old enough to know that it's the thought that counts. Does she really have that much time to use it tonight, if she has a piano lesson as well?!

It was really nice of him to go, though.

KatieMiddleton · 31/08/2011 19:40

Did you return his balls when he got back? Wink

I neither know nor care if yabu but I would like to know MrOakMaiden has the full compliment.

LineRunner · 31/08/2011 19:43

I think I'd need to be there, in the room, when the conversation happened. A bit Source Code-ey.

Who was being needy?

Who manipulated who?

Which way did the shadows fall across the kitchen as the gift was unwrapped and found wanting?

Whose face expressed shock, dismay, pain, despair, annoyance, resignation, sanguinity, or calm?

Maybe the calm one wins. Smile

IQuiteLikeVodka · 31/08/2011 19:45

Grin at Linerunner

LineRunner · 31/08/2011 19:50

Seriously, QuiteLikeVodka, life is a series of nuances and projected bullshit. There is no reality. Vodka alone should have taught you that. Smile

TheBolter · 31/08/2011 20:01

Hmmm.... when dd1 got top SAT results and a great report at the end of last summer term I rewarded her hard work by ordering the same bloody game on Amazon, not realising it was for a 3Ds. She waited at the door for the post every morning like a mournful labrador until the damn thing arrived. Upon realising that I had ordered the wrong game, she was utterly crestfallen, and I think tears were shed.

I appreciate that some might think I overindulged her by taking her out that afternoon to change it, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do.

I'm not sure I would have 'made' dh do it though, if it were his mistake, and if one of us were to have been passing the shop the next day anyway I probably would have made her wait.

But I am a bit of a softie and I do understand how special gifts and rewards are to children, especially if like mine they don't tend to get anything much at any other time than Christmas and Easter.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 31/08/2011 20:11

"Although he bloody well did as he was told, cos this is that sort of household"

Hmmmm. I wonder how your daughter will treat men when she is older. If you have a son/sons, I wonder how he/they will end up being treated by women.........