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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make my husband drive all the way back to the shops (30 min each way)

159 replies

Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 16:30

AIBU to make my husband drive all the way back to the shops (30 min each way) because he bought the wrong thing?

Background: my 7 year old daughter had her Grade 1 Tap exam today. She has worked REALLY hard for it - practising for nearly half an hour twice a day, and without being "instructed" to - just because she knew she should. I am really proud of the dedication and perseverance she has shown - as of course is my husband (her Daddy).

Since she had been working so hard we thought it would be nice to buy her a present to reward her hard work, which my husband chose and purchased at the supermarket before he came home (finished work at noon today). We gave her the gift when she came home after the exam (we didn't want to wait to find out the mark, because the reward is for her work, not for how well she has done) and she was really thrilled. Especially as it is really rare for us to buy gifts other than for birthdays/Christmas, and she wasn't expecting a gift at all.

Anyway - she opened it up, and it was a DS Dogs game - however, turns out my husband bought a game for the DS3D, and it won't fit into my daughter's DS. Cue tears of disappointment - particularly when my husband said to her "Never mind, I'll see if I have time to change it after work tomorrow."

I made him go now - yes, it is a half hour drive each way, but I just feel that after all her hard work and us giving her a gift and making such a big deal about how we were so proud of the effort she has made, for the gift then to be something she can't use but we will swop it "maybe tomorrow" is a bit too much of a damp squib for her.

My husband, naturally, thinks I am being unreasonable. Although he bloody well did as he was told, cos this is that sort of household. Grin I'm not being unreasonable am I? To think that she shouldn't have to wait til tomorrow, if it is possible (if a bit inconvenient) to sort it out today?

OP posts:
belgo · 31/08/2011 16:48

'I don't see why driving 9 miles into town and back is such an enormous deal....'

It is a big deal after a day at work.

Let's hope he doesn't get caught up in the traffic.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 31/08/2011 16:48

Never mind, I'll see if I have time to change it after work tomorrow.

It's in the wording. After such a big build up, it may have seemed to your dd as if her df was displaying a somewhat casual/dismissive attitude to her achievement a) in buying a game that wouldn't fit and b) implying that he'd only change it tomorrow if he could find time - i.e not make changing the gift a priority.

If I'd got the wrong item under similar circumstances, I'd have gone out of my way to rectify my error asap.

Anyway, what's done is done - and what else would he have done with a spare hour? Grin

pictish · 31/08/2011 16:49

Yabu! Half an hour each way for a sodding console game??!!
I'd have told you to do one!

That could've waited.

zukiecat · 31/08/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Takitezee · 31/08/2011 16:49

YABU. He made a mistake and both you and your daughter should be old enough to recognise that and deal with it.

On the other hand if your husband chose to marry somebody who makes him do things and is wimpy enough to go along with it then you make a good pair.

clam · 31/08/2011 16:50

If it's not a big deal then yes, you should have done it yourself. He'd been at work all morning, went out of his way to buy the gift, drove half an hour home.... and gets an earful from you.
The gift was the reward for hard work. Great. It will still be the reward tomorrow. She wasn't even expecting it, so doesn't have to play with it this instant.
Yes, your DH made a mistake, and he did offer to put it right as soon as he reasonably could - tomorrow. It's only you who thought that that was an unreasonable timescale. Your DD could easily have been persuaded that was OK. And if she couldn't, then you have a bigger problem than this DS game.

Ormirian · 31/08/2011 16:50

He made a mistake. We all do it sometimes, even you I'm sure.

I think YABU. If he wanted to do so, fine, but to make him do it as some sort of punishment for doing it wrong first time..... nope.

You sound awfully proud of being so bossy.

belgo · 31/08/2011 16:51

I'm also wondering why you couldn't have driven Oakmaiden?

lifechanger · 31/08/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 16:53

I'm not really as bad as that sounded. That was a kind of joke. He did think it was unreasonable to go - but at the same time I did point out to him that today alone I have had to take all 3 children to a hospital appointment, then once he got home from work I had to take my daughter into town (again half an hour away - everything is so bloody far away!) for her exam, which again took a big chunk of the day, and in another 20 mins I have to go and take the 2 children who are here off to a music lesson. And then do dinner (obviously) when I get home. He is not a put upon husband, I just felt it was reasonable that he should do this on this occasion.

OP posts:
clam · 31/08/2011 16:53

"After such a big build up, it may have seemed to your dd as if her df was displaying a somewhat casual/dismissive attitude to her achievement a) in buying a game that wouldn't fit and b) implying that he'd only change it tomorrow if he could find time - i.e not make changing the gift a priority."

"Your DD has worked hard, whatever mark she gets and that is always worth rewarding, to make her wait another day when it was such a big thing for her is unnecessary."

Wow! You people are storing up a whole load of trouble for yourselves by creating entitled prima donnas who think that by crying and stamping their feet, everyone will rush around to rearrange the world for them. Good luck with that.

pictish · 31/08/2011 16:54

See...my dh (under the same circumstances) may have elected to go back and swap it himself, upon seeing the disappointment....but if he chose to leave it until the next day, there's no way I would've insisted like you did.
He'd have told me where to go. As I would him.

Oooo Miss Bossy!

Ormirian · 31/08/2011 16:55

Well in that case, your DH should have been cooking dinner whilst you ferry the other 2 DC to their lessons.

squeezemebakingpowder · 31/08/2011 16:55

YABU, because it's only one day, but your dh should have made it clear that he would definitely change the game the next day.

I'm sure your dd isn't spoilt as from your post it seems you don't shower her with gifts, however I think her crying and then you sending dh off to change her gift because of her tears, gives off the wrong message and could lead to more tears to get what she wants in the future!

That said I do believe your dd deserved a gift for being so dedicated and working so hard, so well done op's dd! Smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2011 16:55

OP... You were kind of having a bit of 'boast' in your OP that you are obviously so persuasive that ou got your husband to drive 30 minutes each way. Then you say later on that it's only 9 miles away, so obviously it's a 'busy' 9 miles for it to take 30 mins.

Then you mention that your husband doesn't willingly pick up your son from Beavers, only 5 minutes along the road... Confused

Are you just generally angry with your husband? You undermined him when he said that he would change it tomorrow. You forced him because he didn't want to upset your daughter? Truthfully, if the boot were on the other foot - would YOU have liked being dealt with the way you did it?

Tenacity · 31/08/2011 16:56

YABU, though I think you have bigger problems than this. Hmm The bigger question is this; Why do you treat your husband like a child???

Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship, and perhaps should be the one problem you are worried about...

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 16:57

lifechanger - in an ideal world I agree with you about the travel, but the fact is that from where we live we have to travel for EVERYTHING. The shop is pretty much next door to where my husband works, and we have to pass it to get to my uni and the children's school. So it is just a "normal" journey for me. Unfortunately.

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2011 16:58

I agree Clam.

She was lucky her parents were kind enough to buy her anything at all - she isn't entitled to it, and the wishes of a seven year old regarding a console game...even as a reward, do not take precedence over mine or dh's.

I think you were very indulgent OP. The gift was lovely, but to place it as higher priority than your dh's freedom of choice, just to save her having to wait one more day, is OTT.

CurrySpice · 31/08/2011 16:58

"Although he bloody well did as he was told, cos this is that sort of household."

I'm glad I don't live in that sort of household!! Shock

Pakdooik · 31/08/2011 16:59

you are not only being unreasonable, you are being a total arse

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/08/2011 17:04

Personally, I would have told her she could go and pick a replacement tomorrow. And I wouldn't have 'told' DH what to do, though I would have pointed out in private that you don't buy a game without checking it's compatable with the console. It's the modern equivalent of checking you have the right batteries.

As for all the bollocks about 'prima donnas' etc, I don't think you're giving her a bad message at all. And what child wouldn't be upset at being given a present, getting all excited, then finding out they can't use it? Your DD wasn't being bratty she was being upset; even more understandable on a day where she's had an exam. She didn't make your DH go back and replace it.

I am Shock at a DH who thinks being asked to pick up his child from a place 5 minutes away is unreasonable. I'd imagine it's this attitude of his combined with him not checking he was buying the right thing that made you send him back out, as well as your child's distress.

zukiecat · 31/08/2011 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 31/08/2011 17:06

"Although he bloody well did as he was told, cos this is that sort of household."

People keep quoting that, and I have said several times that it was a kindof joke. Yes, he did do it reluctantly, but I in no means had to bully him. He said it could wait til tomorrow - I said can't we do it today - he said "but I might not be back before you go to music" - I said "that doesn't matter, you can meet me there and we will swop the extra child there. He rolled his eyes and went.

Yes, it is true that my husband will sometimes go out of his way to do things for me or the children, even if he would prefer not to be arsed. And sometimes he won't (hence the conversations about since I enrolled youngest child in BeaversI should be responsible for all pick ups/drop offs). Just as I go out of my way to do things for him, even though I would prefer to sit and read instead. I don't think that is the sign of an unhealthy marriage.

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2011 17:07

I don't think it is either....but you did ask.
If you are so sure you are being reasonable, then why invite other opinions?

AfternoonDelight · 31/08/2011 17:10

Why couldn't you pick it up? You call him lazy yet are making him do everything.

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