To request that a child repairs or replaces something they broke?

[PiousPrat]

I'll keep this as brief as I can. Quick background, we (DS1, DS2 and I) have just moved in with DP in an area he has lived in for a while but we are new to. We don't really know anyone round here. DS2 has made a few new friends. One of these friends is 15, so 5 years older than DS2, and has some sort of SEN.

This older child, who I will call J for clarity, doesn't seem to have the greatest home life, he often mentions not being able to play football in the garages at the end of the road if his step dad is home. Several of the other local kids seem to taunt him if he is out on his own.

J was round yesterday playing with DS2 in the garden. I had had to say J couldn't come in to play as we are still living in amongst the chaos of moving boxes so there really isn't the space. Our BBQ is stored by the side door which is where J was waiting if DS2 came in for anything. After the DC had gone to bed last night, DP went out the side door for a fag and came back in to say that the shelf at the front of the BBQ was hanging off and that must have been what DS2 meant when he had overheard him asking J earlier if he had fixed it.

The BBQ was new this year and has only been used twice and is now trashed. I spoke to DS2 about it this morning and he said that J had tried to sit on the shelf while waiting for him. I know the shelf can take DS2's weight as I have sat him on it before (he is small for 10 and undergoing assessment to see if there is a medical reason for it) so ido believe him when he says it was J sitting on it that broke it.

Obviously I read DS2 the riot act about respect for things and the importance of owning up when something has broken, rather than leave people to later discover their possessions are trashed and have told him that because he knew it was broken and didn't say anything, he is now responsible for either helping J fix it or paying half towards a replacement.

My dilemma comes in what to do about J's half. I know where he lives so can go round and speak to his parents, or I can speak to him when he inevitably calls round again later,but I'm not sure of which way would be best. If I speak to him, I can imagine him being worried about telling his parents due to the issues with his step dad and I don't want to cause him undue worry, but don't think he should dodge his responsibilities either. If I go round, I still run the risk of getting J into trouble for what was an accident as well as the worry of going round to a strangers house, in an area I am new to and is a bit...deprived and so £40 for his share of the damage would be considered a lot of money, while I am 38 weeks pregnant.

I don't feel I can just let it go, as it isn't so much about the actual damage as the cover up of it and I feel it is an important lesson for DS2 (as well as J) that if you break something of someone else's, you own up and try to make good on it. DP can't go round (even though at 6'2" and a rugby player build I would feel more confident sending him than lugging my 5'4" bloated self round) as he is self employed, so doing masses of extra work this week to free himself up for being at home from next week when DS3 arrives. By the time he gets home at night it is too antisocial an hour to go door knocking and I don't think it would get things off to a good start.

AIBU to expect J to stump up for at least half of a replacement if I suspect that it would get him into a disproportionate amount of trouble for it, or that his family might struggle to afford it?

PiousPrat, as you have stated your DS1 also has SN, therefore your comment 'J could avoid home envolvement if he wishes' really concerns me......15 with a rough mental age of ten and you are willing to have this child keep secrets is worrying at best.

If I were J's mother I would rather know what you were like now than have my DS continue to play in your garden or home.

My ds is 10 he has a sen friend who is 15,the child is the son of my close friend-if child A is playing in my home they need supervision.

Dh would never allow ds1 & 2 to play football 'up at the top' his reasoning was every time he passed there was a fight or something nasty going on,I would allow them as Id walk up with the dog or ds3 on his bike and generally the fighting was 'play'.....so it got so when Dh was home they werent allowed up there but when Dh had gone to work it was ok Dh sussed this out when lots of kids kept asking him 'are you going to work yet?' ,so perhaps the stepfather is a bit like my Dh? keen to avoid trouble?

Spuddybean that is awful what a complete twat.
Op- well done you seem to have sorted it out well.

Years ago my friend and I broke a glass fish ornament in her house. It was a complete accident I was tickling herand she kicked her foot out and caught the glass fish which was on the windowsill. I said shall we tell your parents and she burst into hysterical tears and begged me not to tell. I put it back together agian. I was shocked at how badly she reacted as I thought we should tell but she said her dad would go mental.
Anyway fast forward a few years and I found out that her dad was violent to both her and her mum.
Thank God I didn't fess up as I can only imagine the beating she would have got.

OP Well handled in the end and thank goodness you put your original ideas to bed.

I think you have to take some bucket fulls of responsibility if your child feels the need to lie to you. You are capable of getting matters totally out of proportion, leaving your kids isolated and friendless, in a new area that you've moved to to be with the new partner.

If they feel the need to lie to you, given that you are prone to total overreactions, you need to look at yourself, as you have done on this occasion and ask yourself why they can't be honest with you.

Although you handled it well in the end you are a bit of a loose cannon so far as "crimes and punishments" are concerned, I think I'd be scared if I was your kid to fess up to you too. I think you need to think about what your kids would expect was a fair punishment and what they'd consider to be you overreacting, given that most of us would agree with your kids on this one.

If you want them to be able to communicate with you then you need to be fair and reasonable with them nothing wrong with firm and fair either. Anyone would keep quiet if the reaction they could expect was extreme.

If your kids lie to you look at yourself and ask yourself why?

Disclaimer: Not for all lying kids but those kids with parents who overreact in the extreme.