To request that a child repairs or replaces something they broke?

[PiousPrat]

I'll keep this as brief as I can. Quick background, we (DS1, DS2 and I) have just moved in with DP in an area he has lived in for a while but we are new to. We don't really know anyone round here. DS2 has made a few new friends. One of these friends is 15, so 5 years older than DS2, and has some sort of SEN.

This older child, who I will call J for clarity, doesn't seem to have the greatest home life, he often mentions not being able to play football in the garages at the end of the road if his step dad is home. Several of the other local kids seem to taunt him if he is out on his own.

J was round yesterday playing with DS2 in the garden. I had had to say J couldn't come in to play as we are still living in amongst the chaos of moving boxes so there really isn't the space. Our BBQ is stored by the side door which is where J was waiting if DS2 came in for anything. After the DC had gone to bed last night, DP went out the side door for a fag and came back in to say that the shelf at the front of the BBQ was hanging off and that must have been what DS2 meant when he had overheard him asking J earlier if he had fixed it.

The BBQ was new this year and has only been used twice and is now trashed. I spoke to DS2 about it this morning and he said that J had tried to sit on the shelf while waiting for him. I know the shelf can take DS2's weight as I have sat him on it before (he is small for 10 and undergoing assessment to see if there is a medical reason for it) so ido believe him when he says it was J sitting on it that broke it.

Obviously I read DS2 the riot act about respect for things and the importance of owning up when something has broken, rather than leave people to later discover their possessions are trashed and have told him that because he knew it was broken and didn't say anything, he is now responsible for either helping J fix it or paying half towards a replacement.

My dilemma comes in what to do about J's half. I know where he lives so can go round and speak to his parents, or I can speak to him when he inevitably calls round again later,but I'm not sure of which way would be best. If I speak to him, I can imagine him being worried about telling his parents due to the issues with his step dad and I don't want to cause him undue worry, but don't think he should dodge his responsibilities either. If I go round, I still run the risk of getting J into trouble for what was an accident as well as the worry of going round to a strangers house, in an area I am new to and is a bit...deprived and so £40 for his share of the damage would be considered a lot of money, while I am 38 weeks pregnant.

I don't feel I can just let it go, as it isn't so much about the actual damage as the cover up of it and I feel it is an important lesson for DS2 (as well as J) that if you break something of someone else's, you own up and try to make good on it. DP can't go round (even though at 6'2" and a rugby player build I would feel more confident sending him than lugging my 5'4" bloated self round) as he is self employed, so doing masses of extra work this week to free himself up for being at home from next week when DS3 arrives. By the time he gets home at night it is too antisocial an hour to go door knocking and I don't think it would get things off to a good start.

AIBU to expect J to stump up for at least half of a replacement if I suspect that it would get him into a disproportionate amount of trouble for it, or that his family might struggle to afford it?

*mend the shelf

I totally accept that shit happens and stuff breaks when you have kids round but I don't believe that that means the kids should get away with breaking things and not owning up to it,if only to teach them a sense of responsibility for their actions.

I agree with those of you who have said if I am nervous of going round,then J was probably scared of the reaction at home which is why he didn't say anything, so probably wont go round there. I don't feel able to let it go completely though, because I feel that it would teach DS2 the wrong lesson about personal responsibility, but even if I make him pay half, then letting J off his half because he has a harder home life also seems to send the wrong message that if you have it a bit hard, everyone should let you off everything.

I like the idea of presenting it to both boys and asking them how to make it good, and offering chores as an alternative to cash. I think I will go with that as it means J can avoid home involvement if he wishes yet they both learn the lesson that actions have repercussions. As it happens, the garden is quite overgrown so free labour would be quite handy

YABU.

Firstly where do you expect a child to get £40 from.

Secondly You want a 15yr old who you think is teased, doesn't lead a great life to stump up £40 and its not your concern where he gets it from.

One of the fundamental rules in my house. Accidents if owned up to, never gets punished. I only punish for hiding the fact. Why do you think the kids tried to hide their accident? Because they predicted how you'd react. Is this something you want to encourage? To be scared of you and hide their mistakes? Or is it better to teach kids to be open & honest?

If you have kids then stuff breaks. It's really not your place to punish the other child. Go round and speak to his parents if you must but you'll just sound like a petty person.

Maybe the lad had seen your DS sitting on it and thought it was OK to do so. The fact is you have sat your child on it before so you can't actually believe that this is an unreasonable thing to do, so why would a child with SN believe it is unreasonable?

It was an accident, things get broken sometimes, I'd only ask for payment when child causes damage, if its a deliberate act of destruction, otherwise you suck it up.

I think the best way to deal with it is to tell the boy in a casual way that you know its broken, and if he accidentally breaks anything again he mustn't be afraid to tell you because you won't be cross.

Are you sure all this is coming from you and not your DP now that your kids are living with him?

It all sounds like a bit of a kerfuffle to me. Things like this happen with kids but to say If I have to replace it, I will have to ban J from coming around again as I can't afford to keep replacing things and he won't have learnt the importance of owning up to accidents ....... Well quite frankly that's ridiculous. He sat on a BBQ that you had allowed your child to use as a bench anyway (so it could well have been weakened) That doesn't not mean you're going to have to keep replacing things

Depending what his home life is like - if your assessment of his step-father is accurate, and taking into account his sn, then he may have been afraid to tell you, perhaps thinking you would react in a certain way?

I don't think it would be appropriate to demand £40 from a child with special needs for something they accidentally broke. If you can't let it go, then it would be appropriate to approach the parents.

You say you are reluctant to approach the parents in case he gets into trouble - what difference does it make if you are demanding £40 from him? Either he has to ask them for it - getting into the same trouble he may or may not get into if you went directly to them, or he steals it or gets it some other way. The only difference, as far as I can see, is that by not going yourself to the parents, you get to say that you haven't got him into trouble and therefore don't feel bad if he does. That's a technicality, imo.

As others have said, he may not have understood that it could break, or that his friend could sit on it but not him.

Ask yourself - how would you feel if it was your child? He breaks something and the adult demands money from him. How do you think he would cope with that? Do you think it is a fair thing to do, given the difference in size, authority, power, etc?

Deal with the parents. If you must have the money back, and that is your choice, deal with the parents.

It was an accident!

If he had been kicking it, that might have been a different matter, but I am still not sure about going round to his parents' house.

The DCs next to us have broken a couple of things of my DCs, but I wouldn't dream of asking them to replace them . . . they only did things with them that my DCs do (ie dropped them), the difference being that on that occasion they actually broke.

As for making your son pay for half for not telling you . . . blimey!

So on that basis . . . what are you intending to charge yourself for failing to supervise your child properly?

(And I sincerely hope to God your DC doesn't try to sit on the barbecue another time "because Mum lets me", when it's still hot.)

yabu

Really? I think you just need to leave it. By all means have a stern word with your DS about 'fessing up when he breaks something (or knows his friend has broken it), but to make them pay? For an accident?

To be honest, I dont think where he gets the money from is my concern. He broke it,he should make good on it. He's 15 and it was clearly not malicious. I think you're overreacting.

x-post, yes. Gardening it off is a better idea than asking for money from him directly.

I wouldn't dream of asking an adult either tbh.
I was at a bbq over the road the other day. We were all laughing because the host's bil had sat on the garden storage box and broke it. Lots of people had used it as a bench and it just happened to break when he was on it-much joking about his weight followed-that's how people react to this sort of thing.

The most I would do is tell j he must tell you if something gets broken.

Tbh I think it was your fault-you'd already let your son sit on it-and that's how a court would see it-the weight differance is irrelavent.

Are you actually pissed off that this kid is hanging around too much?
If so deal with that issue.
Making a fuss about this is very unbecoming/lacking in class.

yabu PiousPrat

what tiffany said

i think you are being a bit unreasonable, tbh, but i do accept that they should have told you rather than bodge a fix and leave you to find out about it. i would have them dig over the garden for you as a project, i think, and then have a barbecue to celebrate. (how does a barbecue get trashed, really? surely it's just a grill and a bucket, more or less?)

OP by all means use the kids for free labour, but you've just moved into the area and if you either ask for money or labour from kids for having an accident your kids will be pretty much ostracised by your outrageous demands.

They'll be the kids with the nutty mother, is this really what you want for your own children who you've already moved into a new area to be with your partner? Lovely.

oh, huge x-post. yes i agree, gardening the way forward.

I really think you need to be careful about making J 'work it off in your garden' too.

I honestly don't think you are entitled to more than an appology for not fessing up.

Can I just ask...

Are you basing J's 'tough home life' on the fact he can't play football in the garages when his Step Dad is home?

Or do you have anything else?

Get a replacement BBQ from ebay for £10 and then move on with your life. Don't let it become an obsession.

oh yes, deffo as a project, rather than a penance.

I think even asking for gardening chores from a kid you don't know well will get you labelled as slightly bonkers. Other kids in the area aren't going to want to come over and play, etc. Which will affect your kids. It might be different if it was a kid you'd known for years.

They tried to fix it and thought they'd managed to. If you react like this then I can see why your DS didn't want to tell you what happened. And he wont want to in the future either.

Exactly what niceguy2 said.

Why do you need the money that it cost brand new, when all that's broken is a shelf? Sounds totally OTT to me, just fix the shelf. YABU.

YABVU - seriously, either supervise them better or let it go. These things are inevitable. If he had deliberately broken it I would agree not to let him 'get away with it' but as it was an accident what exactly is he 'getting away with?'

It was an £80 bbq - not a £500 bbq. Give him a break - you say yourself that mentally he is on parr with a 10 year old. You sound like you are trying to teach him a lesson.

I also find it quite sinister that you are 'willing' to let him 'work' off the money so he doesn't get into trouble at home....that is verging on black mail and is a very mean thing to do to a SEN 15 year old!

Don't mean to be horrible at all - I would be pissed off too - but I would leave it!!

I honestly don't think that his SN or home background are even relevant.

Yes, in an ideal world, a teenager would own up to the host parents after having broken something in their house/garden. But in reality, how many would.

As a very shy child, I can't be sure I would have owned up. Ok, since you feel strongly, you could ask J if he did it by accident and reassure him that he should be honest and not afraid that you'll be angry with him. After all it was an accident.

I'm still so that you would charge for an accident when someone has been invited into your garden.

Mind you, I'm also a bit that you would make him wait outside while your child runs in for things. He could just pop his head in or wait in the kitchen and say hi, surely.

YABU - leave it, it was an accident.

I would be more worried about my 10year old DS having a 15 yr old friend to be honest and I certainly wouldnt be encouraging the friendship.