To request that a child repairs or replaces something they broke?

[PiousPrat]

I'll keep this as brief as I can. Quick background, we (DS1, DS2 and I) have just moved in with DP in an area he has lived in for a while but we are new to. We don't really know anyone round here. DS2 has made a few new friends. One of these friends is 15, so 5 years older than DS2, and has some sort of SEN.

This older child, who I will call J for clarity, doesn't seem to have the greatest home life, he often mentions not being able to play football in the garages at the end of the road if his step dad is home. Several of the other local kids seem to taunt him if he is out on his own.

J was round yesterday playing with DS2 in the garden. I had had to say J couldn't come in to play as we are still living in amongst the chaos of moving boxes so there really isn't the space. Our BBQ is stored by the side door which is where J was waiting if DS2 came in for anything. After the DC had gone to bed last night, DP went out the side door for a fag and came back in to say that the shelf at the front of the BBQ was hanging off and that must have been what DS2 meant when he had overheard him asking J earlier if he had fixed it.

The BBQ was new this year and has only been used twice and is now trashed. I spoke to DS2 about it this morning and he said that J had tried to sit on the shelf while waiting for him. I know the shelf can take DS2's weight as I have sat him on it before (he is small for 10 and undergoing assessment to see if there is a medical reason for it) so ido believe him when he says it was J sitting on it that broke it.

Obviously I read DS2 the riot act about respect for things and the importance of owning up when something has broken, rather than leave people to later discover their possessions are trashed and have told him that because he knew it was broken and didn't say anything, he is now responsible for either helping J fix it or paying half towards a replacement.

My dilemma comes in what to do about J's half. I know where he lives so can go round and speak to his parents, or I can speak to him when he inevitably calls round again later,but I'm not sure of which way would be best. If I speak to him, I can imagine him being worried about telling his parents due to the issues with his step dad and I don't want to cause him undue worry, but don't think he should dodge his responsibilities either. If I go round, I still run the risk of getting J into trouble for what was an accident as well as the worry of going round to a strangers house, in an area I am new to and is a bit...deprived and so £40 for his share of the damage would be considered a lot of money, while I am 38 weeks pregnant.

I don't feel I can just let it go, as it isn't so much about the actual damage as the cover up of it and I feel it is an important lesson for DS2 (as well as J) that if you break something of someone else's, you own up and try to make good on it. DP can't go round (even though at 6'2" and a rugby player build I would feel more confident sending him than lugging my 5'4" bloated self round) as he is self employed, so doing masses of extra work this week to free himself up for being at home from next week when DS3 arrives. By the time he gets home at night it is too antisocial an hour to go door knocking and I don't think it would get things off to a good start.

AIBU to expect J to stump up for at least half of a replacement if I suspect that it would get him into a disproportionate amount of trouble for it, or that his family might struggle to afford it?

Oh Maryz that is so lovely- wanting a nice reveal

SN aside you actually have nothing other than your son's word that this boy broke it. You can not acuse someone of something and deman payment without solid proof.

Plus you sound downright vile and slightly unhinged asking for half the full price of the BBQ when only the side shelf has broken. A quick search has some at £20.

I think it's mean to expect your ds to pay half for "not owning up" as well. Are you saying that if they'd broken it being silly together and he'd owned up you wouldn't expect him to pay?

Ridiculous!! Accidents happen and if he has seen your son sit on it then how was he to know it wasn't OK?

I remember when I was 14 / 15 I was in the recorder group at school (this is going somewhere relevant) The teacher in charge of the group was fond of saying how good and durable this particular brand of recorder was (Aulos) and when someone new joined the group he would often pick one up and drop it on the desk to demonstrate the point. One day when he was launching in to this spiel again I picked up mine and dropped it to show what he meant. Of course mine smashed to smithereens! It was school property so strictly speaking I suppose I could have been asked to replace it but the teacher very fairly decided it wasn't really my fault as I had seen him do it before.

Anyway, my point is, it was understandable he might have thought what he was doing was OK and you are quite out of order for wanting him to stump up for a replacement.

As to teaching a lesson in owning up - if this is how you react then no wonder he was worried.

I'm never rude to people on threads but you sound thoroughly unpleasant OP.
I've never expected any child who accidently broke something in my home to pay for it, and nor would I expect any of my friends to do likewise to my son
And for expecting him to come back and do chores, you're having a laugh aren't you.

Piousprat? you are quite

YABU

Jesus let it go you sound positively loopy asking a child with SN to cough up £40. He probably saw your DS sitting on it and copied.

Why you would let a child sit on a BBQ is another thread entirely

Haven't you got better things to worry about? May I suggest unpacking those boxes that are cluttering up the house to the extent that a child has to wait outside the back door if his friend comes in for something?

Another thought; is this just a way of getting rid of a child you don't actually want your son associating with? Maybe this way is better to you than appearing discriminatory.

OK so it seems IABU. Good to know, since I wasn't sure which is why I asked.

FWIW I apologise for posting and running, the boy in question came round so I have been a bit busy.

I completely accept that my OP sounded unreasonable if that is what the consensus says. I utterly accept that I sounded focussed on the money, which wasn't my intention but I'm afraid I was posting in a bit of a rush because I knew he was likely to call round soon and wanted to get my post 'out there' for some perspective and so came across very badly.

Having looked at the bbq today in the light, it was clear that it will need replacing as the shelf support is broken to the point of near snapping and the front legs of the bbq are bent, meaning it lists forward without the support of the bench. It is now unsafe to use so it isn't simply a case of replacing the shelf. I accept that if it were just the shelf, then expecting the whole bbq to be replaced would be petty, greedy and everythign else I was called. Again I can only apologise for not being clear and then not returning to clarify.

I do expect my children to make good things which they have broken through lack of thought of negligence, although how they make good of course depends on a number of things such as intent (if it was accidental or malicious), whether they knew the item was likely to break, how it broke, how much it cost, if it was fixable etc etc. That may mean an apology, an attempt to repair it or an offer to replace it. They also know that they are not likely to get in trouble for something breaking (although I reserve the right to get a bit snappy if they knock over a plant after being told 500 times to not throw tennis balls in the house) but that they will get in trouble for lying about it, which includes a lie by omission (ie not telling me it is broken) which is why I was annoyed with DS2, because he didn't tell me it had happened.

The reason I said I would have to consider not letting the boy round again is that this isn't the first time something has broken when he has been here, in fact it is every time so far, which again I accept I didn't mention before so can totally see why I seemed like such a bitch for flying off the handle over one incident. That said, I cannot supervise them every second of his every visit so if breakages keep occuring, I would have to stop him coming in, at least at times when I am not free to watch them. I realise that banning sounds extreme and I suppose what I meant was not let him in when I have other things to do. I was aiming for brief and as such sounded more extreme that I meant. I have never said I thought the bbq incident was malicious, in fact I am pretty sure I said it was accidental.

As I said, the boy has been round today and I asked him and DS2 if they had something to tell me about the bbq. J straight away said 'yes, yesterday I sat on it and it broke, sorry' so I am perfectly happy that he apologised when given the chance and I asked both of them what they thought we could do about it. I explained that I wasn't angry or upset about it happening, as accidents happen and that is fine, but that I might have been upset if I hadn't noticed it until I went to use it and had to cancel a planned BBQ because it was broken, so in future could they please just let me know if something broke so we could work out what to do about it. I stressed the 'we' every time so that he would realise that I wasn't expecting him to fix it himself in case he got overwhelmed and freaked out by not knowing what to do, and that I was happy to help with any repairs.

We took the legs off the front of the BBQ and tried to bend them back (at J's suggestion) and hunted through the wood shed for a suitable piece to replace the broken shelf support (at DS2's suggestion) and all sat down to try and fix it. It was a lost cause, but both boys accepted responsibility for the damage (and I stressed that I knew it was an accident and these things happen, so there was no blame) so as far as I am concerned, it is resolved. When we replace the bbq, if the new one has a shelf I will ensure it is either turned around so the shelf is against the fence, or the bbq is stored out of the way in the wood shed, live and learn. FWIW, attempting a repair was the boys suggestion when asked what we could do about it and a fun afternoon was had by all while we bashed and bodged, so I don't think J felt traumatised or worried by it and now knows that if an accident does happen, he won't get shouted at for it.

I completely accept that I came across horribly and that in my attempt to be brief, I left out many key facts while adding in ones that reflected badly and also that I phrased things very wrongly indeed. I asked about expecting repair or replacement because that is what I encourage my DC to at least offer if they break something, not because I was trying to make a quick buck but I can see that it came across that way.

I would make him eat the bbq and then pay his own hospital bill. That'll learn him

I'll re-ask my question:if the shelf/support had broken one of the times your son had sat on it with your blessing, what would you have done?

Hully !!!!!!!!!!

Nice to see you back Hully

OP get over it

member I am sorry I didn't address your question in my post, with 5 pages of replies there is a lot to respond to and I didn't want to write more ofan epic post.

It was one time I sat my son on the shelf, just after he had helped build it and we were pondering how much weight it could take. I was supporting his weight and gradually holding him less and less until he was fully resting on the shelf. We (DS1, DS2 and I) also decided that it may take him weight, but it wasn't a safe place to normally sit and may not take sitting and jiffling, so best to have a blanket no sitting policy.

Had the shelf broken during that, it would of course have been entirely my fault as not only was I supervising, it was my idea and so I should bear the cost. Had my son decided of his own accord to launch himself onto the shelf and it broke, he would have been expected to repair or replace it, as the fault was his and despite it being 'allowed' once, it was made clear that it wasn't to be repeated so he would have known better than to sit on it, rather as I would expect anyone else to see a shelf and assume it was a shelf and not a bench.

I seem to have given the impression that my son regularly uses the shelf as a bench and so I apologise for the confusion I have caused by not being clear.

I think you picked a perfect name for yourself: Pious Prat.

Well done OP. I don't mind the idea of 'let's try and mend it together'

This thread has made me laugh - in particular Pagwatch's post outlining the hypothetical scenario of the broken £4000 vase. I just love that you added that she would have broken it 'while laughing'. I am just picturing how much fun it must be round yours. Can I pop over and tealeaf some vases?

I know that you expect your children to make good what they had broken, but how the hell would a 10 year old come up with £40 and a boy with SEN, unless they are working. To re coup the money, you would have to go through the parents or it could be finiancial abuse if you ask a child. An apology should be enough, and nextime keep the BBQ away and don't let your child sit on it, which could have weakened it, its not meant to be for sitting on. If you are concerned about this boy breaking stuff all the time, don't have him over or not as much. I am doing that with a friend of dd 4 who keeps causing trouble when she comes, she is NT btw and my dd SN. The first time she came she flooded the bathroom, and took some of dd toys (without asking) which her mum gave back later on our visit to their house, last week this girl emptied my 13 year old Calvin Klein perfume all over our floor.

I am pleased that someone has at last admired my totally fictitious vase.

I suppose though, if I had one I would want it to be knocked over by someone in a fit of drunken, arm waving giggles. Not someone pointing at their broken BBQ

Though i have never asked for money and would not, just accepted it as an accident i will not have her round until she is a bit older. Funny that my SN dd is better behaved. I am glad that you came to a happy resolution op

Hully!!!

PiousPrat sounds like you dealt with it very well

Have you been in Forrin Parts again, Hully?