To request that a child repairs or replaces something they broke?

[PiousPrat]

I'll keep this as brief as I can. Quick background, we (DS1, DS2 and I) have just moved in with DP in an area he has lived in for a while but we are new to. We don't really know anyone round here. DS2 has made a few new friends. One of these friends is 15, so 5 years older than DS2, and has some sort of SEN.

This older child, who I will call J for clarity, doesn't seem to have the greatest home life, he often mentions not being able to play football in the garages at the end of the road if his step dad is home. Several of the other local kids seem to taunt him if he is out on his own.

J was round yesterday playing with DS2 in the garden. I had had to say J couldn't come in to play as we are still living in amongst the chaos of moving boxes so there really isn't the space. Our BBQ is stored by the side door which is where J was waiting if DS2 came in for anything. After the DC had gone to bed last night, DP went out the side door for a fag and came back in to say that the shelf at the front of the BBQ was hanging off and that must have been what DS2 meant when he had overheard him asking J earlier if he had fixed it.

The BBQ was new this year and has only been used twice and is now trashed. I spoke to DS2 about it this morning and he said that J had tried to sit on the shelf while waiting for him. I know the shelf can take DS2's weight as I have sat him on it before (he is small for 10 and undergoing assessment to see if there is a medical reason for it) so ido believe him when he says it was J sitting on it that broke it.

Obviously I read DS2 the riot act about respect for things and the importance of owning up when something has broken, rather than leave people to later discover their possessions are trashed and have told him that because he knew it was broken and didn't say anything, he is now responsible for either helping J fix it or paying half towards a replacement.

My dilemma comes in what to do about J's half. I know where he lives so can go round and speak to his parents, or I can speak to him when he inevitably calls round again later,but I'm not sure of which way would be best. If I speak to him, I can imagine him being worried about telling his parents due to the issues with his step dad and I don't want to cause him undue worry, but don't think he should dodge his responsibilities either. If I go round, I still run the risk of getting J into trouble for what was an accident as well as the worry of going round to a strangers house, in an area I am new to and is a bit...deprived and so £40 for his share of the damage would be considered a lot of money, while I am 38 weeks pregnant.

I don't feel I can just let it go, as it isn't so much about the actual damage as the cover up of it and I feel it is an important lesson for DS2 (as well as J) that if you break something of someone else's, you own up and try to make good on it. DP can't go round (even though at 6'2" and a rugby player build I would feel more confident sending him than lugging my 5'4" bloated self round) as he is self employed, so doing masses of extra work this week to free himself up for being at home from next week when DS3 arrives. By the time he gets home at night it is too antisocial an hour to go door knocking and I don't think it would get things off to a good start.

AIBU to expect J to stump up for at least half of a replacement if I suspect that it would get him into a disproportionate amount of trouble for it, or that his family might struggle to afford it?

I think even asking for gardening chores from a kid you don't know well will get you labelled as slightly bonkers. Other kids in the area aren't going to want to come over and play, etc. Which will affect your kids. It might be different if it was a kid you'd known for years

I totally agree.

If word gets out, your son will probably be a laughing stock too.

YABU.

but i suspect this is going to be one of those threads

The boy has special needs ! . That means he might not understand things in they way you would expect.

He might have broken your bbq , but i doubt it would have been intentional vandalism.

Would you be acting the same way if he was in a wheelchair and had damaged the bbq ? Just because he has a "hidden" disability , doesnt mean hes any less disabled.

Shame on you OP , wanting £40 from a SN child .

If you were so concerned about the bbq , surely it should be kept in a shed or at least away from where any child could play with it .

Special needs or not children should not be playing with or near bbq`s...some have gas bottles or sharp edges ...not exactly safe . Try being a bit more responsible in future.

Of COURSE it's one of those thread's, Shirl.

Nowt better than a "Yeah, but . . . " AIBU on a slow afternoon.

Um. You sound a bit ranty (sorry - trying to think of a nicer word...). It's all "riot acts" and "banning J from coming round". It's all a bit extreme, and possibly why your 10 yo was afraid to tell you? Accidents happen and they are annoying and exasperating, but you have to take them in your stride and teach your children how to take them in their stride. My 10 yo would not be able to pay £40 towards the cost of something. We would probably get him to help us mend the item if it were mendable, rather than tell him and his friend to do it themselves, and remind him that he needs to be sensible when he is with his friends.

I don't think it's so unreasonable to ask him to make some kind of gesture of reparation. I understand that you don't want to get him into disproportionate trouble at home, but if it's a big expensive item then YANBU to want him to acknowledge that and do something to make it good.

How well do you know this 'J'? If his stepfather is on a short fuse he might be expecting you to hit the roof about this. But could you maybe invite him in, sit him down and explain gently that you know it was an accident, but it's going to cost lots of money to replace the BBQ, and is there something he feels he could do to say sorry?

Oh my GOD I typed "thread's"

What is the matter with me?

< assembles ducking stool in back garden >

< weeps >

Totally unresonable of you.

You can't know who actually broke it and why they didn't feel they could tell you. And even if it was J you have no right to punish or expect him to pay. You can explain how things work in your house and leave the punishment/payment to his parents to decide.

Plus they were trying to fix it. Maybe they hadn't given up on being able to do that and you have jumped in without giving them a chance to explain.

Like niceguy no-one gets punished in my house for fessing up to an accident. But ds's friends have had to learn that because it is not the same in everyones home and some of them have been downrigfht scared to admit to breaking even a cheap plastic toy.

Breaking the shelf can't possibly trash the whole BBQ.
Also BBQ's deteriorate quickly if left outside rather than in a shed or garage.
I think if you can't repair it then you should replace with a second hand one.

You can suggest to your ds and to J (or better his parents) that you would like them to wash the car and do some weeding to help make a contribution towards the cost. But you can't expect them to fork out or work for the total cost of a brand new BBQ. It isn't brand new any more.

Shame on you OP , wanting £40 from a SN child

Well I'd say any child actually....especially considering the OP has allowed her own child to sit on it so it was probably weak to begin with.

op; YABU it was an accident and asking for chores to be done is OTT

for those questioning the friendship between a 10 year old and a 15 with SEN - why?

My 12 DS has SEN and doesn't know how to play with children his own age, he is happier playing with children around 6 years old as that is about the age he is in development/imagination terms etc

Do you mean shelf as in the bit you rest plates on etc? if so, isn't the BBQ still actually fully functional itself?

Just rest your plates elsewhere perhaps?

YABU

YABU. Why would you want to cause this boy trouble with his step-dad over a stupid BBQ?

However I do think you have made up your mind so whatever we say you are going to ignore.

YABU. I'd probably have a word along the lines of 'J, when you were here last did you accidentally break the barbecue shelf? It's ok if you did, it's just that we tell people if we have accidents in this house' just so that he knows that you know, and that he should have owned up as it were. But especially as you've said he has SN, I certainly wouldn't be rushing around demanding money. And banning him from the house seems terribly harsh, IMO. He's a child. He might be 15, but he is hanging about with your 10 year old, so he's clearly not your average stroppy teenager.

YABVU

on SO MANY levels.

You own up to him possibly being bullied and yet you will bully him into paying up for something that was an accident? Christ... they are children!! Hardly any malicious intent was there?

Ok, so he accidentally broke a shelf that you do allow some children to sit on - he wasn't breaking a rule or being naughty or destructive. I would let it go.

It sounds like your ds knew how you would react and that's why he didn't own up.

OP your username suits you in this situation :)

Leave the child alone fgs.

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like bullying to me. You want to make a 15yr old with SEN pay for something they did by accident. Either that or work it off by doing your gardening!

You sound HORRIBLE and if I was the child's mother, i'd be telling them to avoid you like the plague.

Yup, looks to me to be one of those threads too.

PiousPrat, Prat, The comment, It doesn't matter where he gets the money from tbh, is vile, and I hereby withdraw any sympathy I had.

FFS, many posters on MN, if you were to ask them to come up with £40 out of no where would wonder where they would pull it from.

If your 'DP' can't fix the shelf, then either use it without a shelf or buy a new one.

Not that I think you'll have much opportunity to use a BBQ much more this year.

Now when is it you start back at school?

I was also going to suggest them both doing chores at your house.

YABU.

You don't - actually - even know if the child broke it. You've just moved house, presumably there have been people roaming around with boxes, stuff getting moved out of the way, up the path, down the path. Someone could have rested a box on the shelf to open the back door, broke it, fiddled with it to make it look OK and then this poor child has brushed up against it. And now you want to bar him from your house and extort forty quid off of him!

And I bet you don't usually make your DS pay for accidents - you are just trying to prove a point.

So. Of I come around to your house and break something by accident you would ask me to do chores to teach me responsibility

If people break things here I accept that as part and parcel of having accepted them into my home.

Op if I invite you to my home and, whilst laughing at something, you knock one of my vases worth £4,000 off the table and break it are you going to give me £4,000 or make it up in chores.
Because I think it would teach you a valuable lesson about being a host.

Years ago DD had some friends round and one of them decided it would be fun to do flying kung-fu kicks at the outhouse door while the door was open. Needless to say it was damaged by this. I heard it happening and ran into the garden and yelled down the garden (in a nice but loud voice) to stop doing it and that was the end of it. They were 7.

DH had to buy new hinges and rehang it and I have a vague memory he had to replace the whole door as it turned out it was too warped to rehang. It wouldnt have crossed my mind to ask the girl for the money and that was an intentional act. Though I doubt she meant to damage the door, she just wanted to kick it for some reason.

I still know this girl, she's perfectly nice and thoughtful now she's older. She hasnt grown into a delinquent due to not being "taught a lesson", etc.

Stick the BBQ in a shed and forget about it until next summer. When you take it out you can assume it was damaged sometime during the winter, go and buy another one and forget all about J's crime. It will make you feel so much better.

YABU. You sit your son on that shelf so was it really unreasonable for another child to sit on it?

I think if the child had done something he had been specifically told not to do and broken something as a result then some follow up might be in order but this sounds like a pure accident. And who knows, maybe you had weakeden it by sitting your boy on it and it would have gone whoever sat there next?

I think YABU.

If I expected kids to pay for everything they had accidentally damaged then I don't think many parents would let them come to play.

I wouldn't go the house, if yoy must point it out to J.
Can't you get a replacement shelf?