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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that a child repairs or replaces something they broke?

154 replies

PiousPrat · 31/08/2011 13:05

I'll keep this as brief as I can. Quick background, we (DS1, DS2 and I) have just moved in with DP in an area he has lived in for a while but we are new to. We don't really know anyone round here. DS2 has made a few new friends. One of these friends is 15, so 5 years older than DS2, and has some sort of SEN.

This older child, who I will call J for clarity, doesn't seem to have the greatest home life, he often mentions not being able to play football in the garages at the end of the road if his step dad is home. Several of the other local kids seem to taunt him if he is out on his own.

J was round yesterday playing with DS2 in the garden. I had had to say J couldn't come in to play as we are still living in amongst the chaos of moving boxes so there really isn't the space. Our BBQ is stored by the side door which is where J was waiting if DS2 came in for anything. After the DC had gone to bed last night, DP went out the side door for a fag and came back in to say that the shelf at the front of the BBQ was hanging off and that must have been what DS2 meant when he had overheard him asking J earlier if he had fixed it.

The BBQ was new this year and has only been used twice and is now trashed. I spoke to DS2 about it this morning and he said that J had tried to sit on the shelf while waiting for him. I know the shelf can take DS2's weight as I have sat him on it before (he is small for 10 and undergoing assessment to see if there is a medical reason for it) so ido believe him when he says it was J sitting on it that broke it.

Obviously I read DS2 the riot act about respect for things and the importance of owning up when something has broken, rather than leave people to later discover their possessions are trashed and have told him that because he knew it was broken and didn't say anything, he is now responsible for either helping J fix it or paying half towards a replacement.

My dilemma comes in what to do about J's half. I know where he lives so can go round and speak to his parents, or I can speak to him when he inevitably calls round again later,but I'm not sure of which way would be best. If I speak to him, I can imagine him being worried about telling his parents due to the issues with his step dad and I don't want to cause him undue worry, but don't think he should dodge his responsibilities either. If I go round, I still run the risk of getting J into trouble for what was an accident as well as the worry of going round to a strangers house, in an area I am new to and is a bit...deprived and so £40 for his share of the damage would be considered a lot of money, while I am 38 weeks pregnant.

I don't feel I can just let it go, as it isn't so much about the actual damage as the cover up of it and I feel it is an important lesson for DS2 (as well as J) that if you break something of someone else's, you own up and try to make good on it. DP can't go round (even though at 6'2" and a rugby player build I would feel more confident sending him than lugging my 5'4" bloated self round) as he is self employed, so doing masses of extra work this week to free himself up for being at home from next week when DS3 arrives. By the time he gets home at night it is too antisocial an hour to go door knocking and I don't think it would get things off to a good start.

AIBU to expect J to stump up for at least half of a replacement if I suspect that it would get him into a disproportionate amount of trouble for it, or that his family might struggle to afford it?

OP posts:
sundayrose10 · 31/08/2011 14:55

op sounds so fucking nasty and hang up on power. Shame on you.

pippilongsmurfing · 31/08/2011 14:57

Your son sits/has sat on the barbeque in the past and it has taken hos weight and you did not tellhim not to sit on it again.

Your son probably thought that as the barbeque took his weight it would be fine for the other child to sit on it.

You are being totally frigging unreasonable to expect a SN child to pay for damages. He did not mean to damage it and probably did not own up as he doesn't know you well and was scared you would shout at him/go and tell his parents who would shout at him.

You are new to this area, going round someone's house demandinhg money for a broken barbeque from a SN boy is hardly going to endear you to the neighbours.

If you knocked on my door, and I knew it had been an accident, then I would be beyond furious.

As for banning him from playing with your son if he doesn't cough up for the barbeque, Hmm

pippilongsmurfing · 31/08/2011 14:59

Reading other posts it seems you don't even need a new barbeque, just a shelf which makes it even worse that you are trying to get the money for a whole new BBQ.

I bet after this gets out your kids will have no-one that wants to come to their house to play in case they break anything and get handed a bill.

JodieHarsh · 31/08/2011 15:06

YABVVVVU.

And also a bit ghastly and venal.

Jeez. Nice way to look on a deprived child with SEN Hmm

iloveroses · 31/08/2011 15:07

YABVVVVVVU. It was an accident. Why would you let your child use it as a seat anyway, even if he is small. What an odd thing to do ! Clearly the older boy thought it would be fine to sit on, as your ds had. Also I would be very angry if someone was making my child work in there garden, without my knowledge, whatever the reason.

iloveroses · 31/08/2011 15:08

Also Jodie describes you very well.

Fontsnob · 31/08/2011 15:09

YABVVVU that is all.

TheMonster · 31/08/2011 15:11

YABU.

Laquitar · 31/08/2011 15:23

Ha ha ha so you are doing this not because you are nasty but because you need to teach them responsibility Hmm How about teaching friendship and that sometimes we let things go and not being miserable?

Accidents happen. The alternative is to lock your doors and never let anyone in.

I also like your patronising sympathy about the boy's family life but then stating that the reason you don't want to go is your safety Hmm

I actually hope that you tell the boy so at least he knows what you are and he doesn't come again.

pigletmania · 31/08/2011 15:24

Yabu where the he'll is a child supposed to get £40 from. If you have an issue with it you have to speak with his parents. It was an accident they happen and he has SN which can affect things

GypsyMoth · 31/08/2011 15:27

Er, getting someone else's child to fo chores in your home Is a bit off IMO!!

Suppose he injures himself/breaks something else etc!!

whackamole · 31/08/2011 15:31

In this instance, I would let it go.

member · 31/08/2011 15:36

What would you have done if one of the times you'd sat your ds on the shelf & it had broken?

pigletmania · 31/08/2011 15:37

You sound really horrid op, expecting a child with sn to cough up £40, or act as your servant by doing jobs for you. What happens to compassion and kindness, it was an accident, don't you hav those

2shoes · 31/08/2011 15:38

sorry I am still lol at the idea of the op telling a lad that he has to do chores at her house!!
who would do that?? I can imagine my face is some person told me as my son might have broken something, he had to work for her!!!

banjaxedfilly · 31/08/2011 15:39

Send him up the chimney to give it a good sweep for you.
Usually costs approx £50 so you'll owe him a tenner.
That way he'll have a bit on credit for when he next comes round.

Maryz · 31/08/2011 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 31/08/2011 15:49

YABVVU for all the reasons already given.

Just adding another voice in the hope you might see sense. Poor boy :(

givemushypeasachance · 31/08/2011 15:51

I think I would be summarising a lot of previous posts when I say that your approach might be reasonable if this kid had maliciously damaged something of yours, but if you just suspect that he might have done it by accident then YABNU.

For good measure, I'd also say it's OTT to be insisting that your own 10 year old pays half the replacement cost just because he didn't tell you that something had been broken! What would you have done if one of his friends accidentally broke your car windscreen or an iPad or spilt something on a carpet, damaging something else that costs megabucks to replace - dock his pocket money for the next five years?

givemushypeasachance · 31/08/2011 15:52

YABNU should be YABVU by the way - sausage finger mistake...

PercyFilth · 31/08/2011 16:27

This can't be for real. Biscuit

BecauseImWorthIt · 31/08/2011 16:34

I did a search on your name, because I couldn't believe that this would be a serious post.

But you appear to have posted lots already.

So I say that YABVVVU, and your posting name really suits you.

saintlyjimjams · 31/08/2011 16:42

Good grief. How petty.

sayithowitis · 31/08/2011 16:51

Well, you have certainly chosen the right name for yourself!

It's one thing to consider asking for a contribution when somebody breaks something on purpose, but when it gets broken accidentally? That's why you have contents insurance. And if its not worth claiming on the insurance, then its not worth causing potential problems for this boy either. You have no way of knowing how it got broken - you don't know for instance, that your DS didn't say ' you can sit on there and wait while I go in and get . You do not know that the other boy didn't say no, because it would break. You don't know that your DS didn't then say it would be ok because you let him sit there. You don't know that your own actions, in allowing your child to sit on the shelf, hasn't led to it becoming weakened and therefore contributing to the damage. You just don't know. In fact, I would say that if anything, you are more to blame than the boys and should therefore bear the whole cost.

DoingTheBestICan · 31/08/2011 16:53

You sound ghastly & tbh if i found out my ds was doing cleaning chores in someone elses home to 'Payback' the cost of an accident i would rip you a new one.

Accidents happen you know,that poor boy,i feel really sorry for him.