To feel consumed by hate for ex-friend?

[whydoidoit]

*namechanged
I know IABU but I can't help it.
Long story - when I was a teenager I hung around with 4 other girls and in our early 20s there was a bit of a split amongst the group (different unis, interests etc.) and a falling out which left me feeling really hurt (2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives. I believe it was because one of jealous of the way my life was going and the other was a complete sheep, not very bright and just followed the other one because she was told to). Years later it transpires that the jealous girl had slept with the sheep girl's boyfriend and so they fell out too. About 5 years later, I was out in town one night and sheep girl came up to me crying and begging to be forgiven etc. so we slowly became friends again, despite my niggling doubts. All of a sudden thought, she started inviting herself out everywhere with us, buying the same clothes as me, throwing herself at all my friends and becoming their best buddies (facebooking and phoning them all the time etc.). I was a fairly annoyed by all of this obviously but felt sorry for her as she didn't really have any friends of her own (she flits from person to person). Anyway, time went on and she started dating DHs friend. She turned into a complete moron everytime they were together (cutesy voice, all over him etc.) when we went out. She would also make snide comments out of earshot of everyone else like 'I bet you will be so cross if I have babies before you' - er..no, i don't live my life as a competition, thanks. So, this started to get grating and even more annoying. I didn't know what to do so I started being a bit abrupt with her. I know that I should have handled it better but every time I saw her my blood would boil with annoyance and I couldn't help myself. So, she picked up on this and her boyfriend emailed me and asked me what the problem was. I just said that I had some issues, I was sorry for the way I behaved and let's get on with things for the sake of DH. her boyfriend then went on a complete rant about how I thought I was so perfect and had so many friends when I really I was just a complete bitch etc. I forwarded the email to her who replied with a 'lets forget about it and move on' etc. email. Anyway, this went on and I carried on living my life but just not inviting them anywhere etc. (I usually organised our group social/weekend activities) but DH was annoyed at being 'stuck in the middle' etc. So, a complete division in the group - I had predicted that something like that would happen and she would be trying to take over but I was dismissed as being irrational etc. My DH thinks I behaved terribly to his friend and the girl and it has been a bone of contention in our house for years. In fact the only thing we have every really fought about. She is now best friends with someone I used to be very close to and is engaged to her boyfriend (so has got everything she ever wanted), who has asked DH to be Best Man (despite never making the effort to meet our DD born 6 months ago). I found this out on facebook as DH has not bothered to tell me yet as I am sure he thinks I will go mad (and our DD has been in hospital so I have been very stressed and I am sure he does not want to add to that). My problem is that I can't stop thinking about her and wishing her ill. I work in the caring profession and do not hate anyone else in this world but the hate I feel for her is all consuming. I'm 37, not 17 and know that it's a childish way to feel. I think about it all the time and it's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. Do I need councelling to try and get over this? Will I ever get over it if she is constantly circling my life).
As I said I know IABU but need help in trying to figure out how to move on and live my life free from hating this girl (by the way, initiating contact with her is not an option, I could not stand to be in her company even if it would solve the problems with DH).
Sorry it's long and boring...

Good luck OP!

bigeyes Yes, I have been very annoyed at myself for letting her back in, despite serious reservations - I just felt sorry for her and I wish I hadn't.

I'm not really a control freak, I always take the lead in organising social events etc. because nobody else takes the initiative. In fact, since becoming a mother I have become even more laid back about things (except this, and i suspect being on maternity leave means I have more time to think about things).

I need to move on.

dreamingbohemian Thank you - you speak a lot of sense, wise one :-)

Ta

If only I could apply it to my own life! haha...

why I hope you wernt offended by the control freak questions as I used to be, I have learnt to be organised etc without obsessive...

It is the sort of thing that would have lingered with me, I have had this in the past about people and they just fade as life moves on, but now I really do let go.

I read you are about to go back to work, this can help occupy! But good for you for giving someone a second chance, it didnt work out and cut her out of your life now, she is draining you. Go to the wedding, focus on the other people there who you like, put on a good 'show' out of respect for your DH.

Talk to your DH one more time and explain (keep it short) how you feel and what you plan to do. Afterall she did not offer any olive branches back to you all that time ago, so this may have brought back all the related feelings.

I think you are still hormonal and vulnerable after having achild - just been talking about this on another thread. Best wishes for you moving on - forgive yourself for error in judgemet (power of hindsight) and you did the right thing to start with. Take care

Congrats on your weight loss! Oh you must must go to the wedding! Get yourself a killer dress and a big smile and be the biggest social butterfly you can be on the day... You know what they say about revenge? Serve it SWEET! Be all ladidah to her offe he BIG congratulations and show her how unbothered you are by everything that has occured by actin like it never happened. And then once the wedding is done you dont see her unless you have to. And please - update us! When is the wedding?

Oh I'd probably hate her in your situation too. Sometimes it's natural to have a strong dislike for someone with that sort of history.. but seeing as your husband is such good mates with this bloke, you're going to have to suck it up and be all smiles at the wedding..

one word of advice, don't get drunk and rip off her veil or anything..

All you can do is be the bigger person. Just be polite, civil and adult about it. It does sounds like you feel slightly betrayed by your DH not standing up for you which you need to address with him.

I honestly can't see why you feel so strongly about her but there you go. Life is too short for all these melodramas and unnecessary resentments.

Hi,

Op there is some good advice on here.
I don't think you are imagining the problem or that it is your ego. Some people are horrible,evil in fact she sounds like one of them.

I think as others have said, that a major issue is your dh. He should have told his "friend" to f off after sending that email, my dh would have demanded he appologise or else find another best man.

I would make it clear to your dh that you cannot stand this woman and that he must (after the wedding if it is soon) never ever organise a social event that involves you with this foul couple. I have done this before with my dh. He has a great friend, his best friend. but I am not alone in not liking his wife, none of my friends do, neither his brother or wife. Although I don't actually hate her, in fact I never think about her but I made it clear to dh that under no circumstances at all would I go out with her, he dislikes her too. Many years ago,she told her dh not to invite us to their wedding, my dh and his friend had been best friends since school. They had a big wedding so no excuse. Anyway it hurt my dh, I really couldn't give a flying f* his friend has said many times how he regrets it but he has to live with it.

Go to the wedding, make yourselve look fab. Sit and chat to others, smile insanely at her. Then make it clear to your dh that is the end of any social contact for you. You are not a martyr, you do not have to like her. Accept this and then move on.
Hopefully they will move onto other "friends" after they are married. Who cares, try and think about other people/things that bring you happiness. Have you tried gardening, it is very theraputic?

Go out with other friends and do not invite her. tell you friends you do not like her and don't want her invited. I have a friend who did this she told our group straight, our loyalty is to her and we don't invite the other girl along. I am sure others will have found her unbearable too and as long as you don't start bitching about her, they will understand.
Good luck.

I've found all this very helpful. Wish I'd been on MN 3 years ago when my similar situation came back to bite me. There is some very good advice on here to deal with "sheep" woman and basically get her out of your life, also not to show how much you hate her - bit like that old story about nails being banged into wood being like anger - you can remove the nails but people will still see the holes (sorry no idea where I am going with that!!)

However, I am with you on your DH's position - my DH has never defended me or taken my side, sometimes he doesn't even remain neutral. Tough one to deal with.

Good luck with it all.

Kill her with kindness... There are times when you have to be two faced OP :o
I am with you on this OP. She has taken you for a ride and sounds a nasty piece of work.

Good luck-I agree with the 'kill with kindness'-the only way with nasty people IMO.

Sorry-not the only way-but the best way.

haven't read all the posts, but flip me you have too much time on your hands. go and do something productive with your time. you arent seventeen ffs

You sound extremely jealous of her, is it because she's more popular than you?

If other's seem to be obviously more 'for her' then maybe she isn't hateful after all.