To feel consumed by hate for ex-friend?

[whydoidoit]

*namechanged
I know IABU but I can't help it.
Long story - when I was a teenager I hung around with 4 other girls and in our early 20s there was a bit of a split amongst the group (different unis, interests etc.) and a falling out which left me feeling really hurt (2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives. I believe it was because one of jealous of the way my life was going and the other was a complete sheep, not very bright and just followed the other one because she was told to). Years later it transpires that the jealous girl had slept with the sheep girl's boyfriend and so they fell out too. About 5 years later, I was out in town one night and sheep girl came up to me crying and begging to be forgiven etc. so we slowly became friends again, despite my niggling doubts. All of a sudden thought, she started inviting herself out everywhere with us, buying the same clothes as me, throwing herself at all my friends and becoming their best buddies (facebooking and phoning them all the time etc.). I was a fairly annoyed by all of this obviously but felt sorry for her as she didn't really have any friends of her own (she flits from person to person). Anyway, time went on and she started dating DHs friend. She turned into a complete moron everytime they were together (cutesy voice, all over him etc.) when we went out. She would also make snide comments out of earshot of everyone else like 'I bet you will be so cross if I have babies before you' - er..no, i don't live my life as a competition, thanks. So, this started to get grating and even more annoying. I didn't know what to do so I started being a bit abrupt with her. I know that I should have handled it better but every time I saw her my blood would boil with annoyance and I couldn't help myself. So, she picked up on this and her boyfriend emailed me and asked me what the problem was. I just said that I had some issues, I was sorry for the way I behaved and let's get on with things for the sake of DH. her boyfriend then went on a complete rant about how I thought I was so perfect and had so many friends when I really I was just a complete bitch etc. I forwarded the email to her who replied with a 'lets forget about it and move on' etc. email. Anyway, this went on and I carried on living my life but just not inviting them anywhere etc. (I usually organised our group social/weekend activities) but DH was annoyed at being 'stuck in the middle' etc. So, a complete division in the group - I had predicted that something like that would happen and she would be trying to take over but I was dismissed as being irrational etc. My DH thinks I behaved terribly to his friend and the girl and it has been a bone of contention in our house for years. In fact the only thing we have every really fought about. She is now best friends with someone I used to be very close to and is engaged to her boyfriend (so has got everything she ever wanted), who has asked DH to be Best Man (despite never making the effort to meet our DD born 6 months ago). I found this out on facebook as DH has not bothered to tell me yet as I am sure he thinks I will go mad (and our DD has been in hospital so I have been very stressed and I am sure he does not want to add to that). My problem is that I can't stop thinking about her and wishing her ill. I work in the caring profession and do not hate anyone else in this world but the hate I feel for her is all consuming. I'm 37, not 17 and know that it's a childish way to feel. I think about it all the time and it's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. Do I need councelling to try and get over this? Will I ever get over it if she is constantly circling my life).
As I said I know IABU but need help in trying to figure out how to move on and live my life free from hating this girl (by the way, initiating contact with her is not an option, I could not stand to be in her company even if it would solve the problems with DH).
Sorry it's long and boring...

Can you think about her - what feelings does it bring up for (apart from a strong dislike)?

Any chance there is fear there or you perceive a threat from her?

I think you should give yourself permission to dislike her and remove yourself from her life - don't discuss her with dh or anyone else. I think often Women tie themselves in knots thinking they have to like everyone or there's something 'wrong' with them.

Dh has a friend I don't like so I don't bother with him
And crucially dh doesn't care that I don't like him and is quite happy for me to not see him. This is because he respects me - do you think your husband respects you after what happened or is he still being critical toward you?

WARNING: long response.

You were in a group of 5 long-term friends, but after a falling out which left you feeling extremely hurt 2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives.

Whatever the true cause of of the fall-out, you believed it was motivated by jealousy of your superior lifestyle/career choices on the part of one your friends. You were therefore additonally hurt when another friend who, in your opinion, was a complete sheep, not very bright sided with the jealous one because she was told to.

It seems that you never had much liking or respect for the "sheep" but, as you clearly rated your own intelligence above hers, I suspect it rankled that she didn't follow you.

Five years later you discovered that the "sheep" had her comeuppance at the hands of the allegedly jealous friend. At this point, you should have revelled in the wonders of karma and left well alone. Instead, you invited the "sheep" back into your life.

Did you do this to validate your take on the reasons why your formerly close group split up? Did you expect that the "sheep" would so grateful for your magnaminous forgiveness that she would dumbly transfer her allegiance to you and follow your lead?

If so, you severely miscalculated as the "sheep" gradually became feted by your/dh's friends to a point where she took over one of your best friends and will shortly be married to one of dh's.

The problem is with your ego. The "sheep", who you still consider to be an inferior being to yourself, is now centre stage and part of your hatred may be caused by the fact that others have failed to see her as you do or, more aptly, see 'through' her in the way that you do - but, as they're not you and don't share your experiences with the woman, why should they?

Hatred is one of the more dangerous negative energies; it can boomerang back and bite us on the bum, which is what it seems to have done to you in the form of arguments with your dh.

You're best advised to let go of the irrational hatred you feel for this woman and let the law of attraction work for good in your life. Karma will take care of the "sheep" - and it seems it's already begun to turn the wheel.

Laugh at yourself for indulging in teenage angst and, if you can't wish the woman well, don't wish her ill.

Your first step on the path to a hate free future is to attend her wedding with a big smile on your face, and not let one word of criticism of the bride denigrate you.

Why shouldn't your husband be best man to a good friend just because of some irrational feelings you have for his fiancee? Best thing would be for him to go to the wedding on his own.

her boyfriend called you a bitch and sent an abusive email, and your DH is annoyed at you, and feels he is in the middle. Does he know this is 2011, and he could have had a civil partnership if he felt so strongly about his friend. I hope you still have that email, and re-show it to DH, who sounds immature. Sorry, but when a guy pulls the "oh poor me who do I side with the woman I pledged to spend my entire life with and who is the mother of my child, or a guy who I am friends with"
Forget the stupid girl and her agressive little boyfriend, and deal with your DH who I am sorry needs to grow a pair, and not be bestman and tell her boyfriend he has no right to send an abusive email like that.

Redhelen,
The guy sent her an swearing, ranting abusive email. That is why her DH should not even be friends with him.

I just read the second page, and to be honest the problem is with your DH. That is why in my opinion you are so hurt about this and cannot forget it. The boyfriend sleazed onto you, has sent you an abusive email (i sense from what he put in that he is still fuming about you rejecting him) and DH refuses to stand up for you as he like splaying football with him once a week. DH needs to clean up his act, would he tolerate you being friends with a guy who had behaved like this towards you.
If DH insists on celebrating the guy who has behaved like this towards you I would go to the wedding with him, but just not speak to the couple if you can help it, just make sure you look fantastic and do not let on you are hurt to anyone else but DH and try not to heckle as your husband makes a speech about how wonderful the git is.

I'm inclined to agree with afishcalledmummy - I think you're deflecting your anger with your husband onto your ex-friend. And dreamingbohemian re the injustice you feel.

Se was an irritant. So far, so ordinary. We normally react to an irritant by moving away from it, but her relationship with with your husband's friend anchored her in your circle, so that was not possible. She continued to be an irritant, you couldn't move away, so you were left with trying to 'encourage' her to move away (being abrupt). Her boyfriend pitched in, making it two against one - being ganged up on. Not fair. Your husband then took his friend's part. Three against one, and a sense of betrayal.

You've said you trust only a few people, and certainly you should be able to trust your husband. I'd imagine the sense that you could not trust him over this, at the time, relatively small matter, has it you very hard. And you don't want to feel betrayed by your husband, so irritant-you-can't-move-away-from becomes the focus of your feelings, because 'she started the ball rolling'.

Your husband was out of order, btw.

has hit you very hard

Resentment is like taking poison hoping someone else will die. She won't. You are the only one suffering here so let it go!

You are being extremely unreasonable!

While I think your DH should defend you in regards to the nasty email, he can at the same time think you are being unreasonable and will not support your action of cutting his friend stone cold.

Since your DH thinks YABU, its you that is the problem, not him, not his friend, or your old friend. She was willing to let bygones be bygones but you can't seem to. You need to start acting your age and stop letting this situation consume your life or cause problems in your marriage. There's a million other things to worry about: your dd, your dh, your job, your financial situation, your family, etc. You barely see or talk to DH's friend or your old friend in any case.

Also, its not like she stole your friends. Unlike another poster's situation, this old friend didn't sleep with your friends' DHs or has done anything bad except be irritating and annoying. You caused the circle of friendship to split by forcing them to choose sides: you or her. You deliberately avoided inviting them to gatherings many times so the mutual friends are also stuck in the middle and they started gravitating to one side or another or stop being friends with the both of you altogether.

Let it go. You don't need to apologize to your old friend or DH's friend. You just need to let it go and practice polite smiling and bare minimum social niceties when you are ever in the same room with them for the sake of your DH. He can't expect more than that from you. And, it seems that they do the same towards to you for the sake of your DH, too.

Let it go and move forward.

She sounds like a pain in the bum to me. Sort of a parasitic Single White Female - I bet your instinct's right. Plus if she's been engaged three times before: ha-LLO! Wake up everyone. Needy but untrustworthy or what?

Maybe you can see something these guys can't. If she was putting on a fake baby voice to 'net' her man, she's probably, well, a fake. That may be what's getting your hackles up. She may have a personality disorder: esp if she easily flits from groups of friends and assimilates whole new lives at the drop of a hat. Another red flag is that she was also saying things to you, out of earshot of others, as her 'real' persona.

Your DH can't or won't see it, and his best mate ditto. You've lost it with her and apparently caused a rift....but were you really defending yourself? Maybe you're right and they're wrong. Or, put it another way - you ARE right because only you are you and you have the absolute right to feel what you feel.

I say if you're not comfortable, just give a wide berth, explain your feelings as rationally to your DH as possible, forgive his best mate - whose anger is understandable because as he perceives it you're attacking someone he's investing a lot in - and yes - as everyone says, instead of getting tangled up in obsession, try hard to move on. Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist (not that you're nuts) would help you identify what the issues really are and how you can let them go.

Or make a voodoo doll. Ha ha.

whydoIdoIt I agree with other posters about DH's behaviour in all of this which is undoubtedly driving the thorn in deeper but focusing for a moment solely on your relationship with this girl, there's another alternative to Izzy's diagnosis of your monstrous ego and that is you have simply come across one of those people in life who sees themselves as being in a competition. My experience is that they get more and more manic about 'competing' the less interested their chosen co-competitor appears to be about being in a competition. By not engaging in the competition you are then being 'aloof' because you must think yourselves better than them because otherwise you'd engage in the competition. My friend describes these kind of personalities as either "at your throat or at your feet", which is much more succinct.

The social cuckoo stuff, and the SWF copying and the sheep-like behaviour are all symptoms of that. This girl was either already pretty damaged (where are her other groups of friends - has she ever introduced you to any of her friends?) or all the Mean Girls shit screwed her up during teendom/university and she is playing out that dynamic on a repetitive loop to try and ensure she, for once, wins the 'competition' (I should imagine she feels she 'lost' pretty spectacularly to the horrible 'friend' who slept with her boyfriend). Unfortunately, you, as a lasting reminder of the Mean Girls period (and someone who escaped successfully, even though you view it as having been 'cut out' - the only option really for the other competitors when someone won't compete and learn their place because you're messing up the game) are now her chosen competitor and even better, she has cuckooed her way into your social circle so others can be sucked into this.

Someone else has pointed out the injustice of this and how deep injustice rankles as a feeling - not easily shrugged off. You need to step outside the competition once more (I feel she has sucked you in with the DH email) and see her for what she truly is - someone to be pitied. She's going to live her life wrestling with and projecting her own insecurities onto everyone, you don't have to. I think you take the moral highground - to DH I would say (as it sounds like you have done) well, I can't see why Sheep disliking me has to affect your friendship with Mr Sheep, why would she require him to send an email when she could have spoken to me herself? Apart from to cause drama. And carry on without comment. I would however, go back over her previous behaviour in your own mind and consider whether she will up the ante and how she has done that in the past (to you, or others).

Are all your other friends going to be at the wedding? Are you invited? I don't think DH can accept best man if you are not invited. DH's friend is obviously a good match for her (a friend who propositions another friend's gf is also 'competing' with DH even if he is unaware and wants to bring him down a peg or two) but with two of them behaving like that in a marriage, it can't be happy for very long.

If she is as screwed up as she sounds, just let her carry on with her own soap drama life. She does not sound happy. When you come across her as your social circles are overlapping don't engage, just be a detached observer.

Concentrate on your own life, marriage and family, don't talk about her in your house and delete abusive emails.

Don't be dragged into her drama, that's what she wants.

One other thing: Have you ever considered that your DH, his friend, and your ex-friend aren't consume about this breach at all except for that bit about your reaction of DH being the best man and if you will attend the wedding and your conduct at the wedding?

Also maybe you are giving her more credit than necessary, which fuels your "hatred" of her? I mean, she took over your circle of friends when she is, in your own words, a sheep, a follower?

Yanbu! She sounds like a parasitic nightmare! I do think the bes thing you could do is always be civil and do that sickly sweet fake smile if you ever see her (that would confuse the fuck out of her!). I agree you should keep contact to a minimum and so should your dh. Does your dh know his 'mate' made a pass at you???? If not, tell him!

What do your mutual friends think of her?

Dont - ever - let this twat back into your life. Your dh should be more supportive of you too.

Your mistake was that you showed your weakeness in that you hate her - don't so this again. Keep that to yourself and be all charm and smiles (this is a much more enjoyable game, and if she wants games, give them l her if you ever have to see her).

I think you should go to the wedding! She would hate that! Go and w fabulous - all charms and smiles and be social
With everyone. Go on, it will be fun for you and confusing for her! And update us!

I agree with the other poster that it seems to be your 'ego' that is the issue. Frankly it sounds like a 14 year old typing, not a 37 year old. You do seem to think very highly of yourself and extremely judgemental- ow has no ambition, blah blah, she's been engaged 3 times before blah blah, SO WHAT! You can't believe that someone who doesn't reach your standards could appeal to anyone else??? You seem a very 'me me me' person and cannot stand that someone less intelligent etc is happy in their lives. You sad person. Perhaps you are jealous that while her DH will defend her to the hills, your DH doesn't feel the same about you!!!

You are giving her way too much power in your life.

Just forget about her. When you see her (if it is unavoidable) be polite but don't engage.

She can be friends with who she wants and marry who she wants, it isn't all about you.

whydoIdoit Does this woman know her soon to be DH made a pass at you while you were with DH?

I agree that you are giving her way too much power. Be polite and generally friendly, but don't get involved. Find other friends.

Indeed, does your DH know his friend made a pass at you? And he is still friends with him?

When speaking to DH i would keep reminding him that the guy made a sleazy pass at you, and called you all sorts of names in the email. And I do suspect the email is fueled by anger you rejected him -saying you think you are perfect etc sounds a bit like sour grapes. An if t eboyfriend is naty to you again, tell him "get over it, you made a pass at me and I rejected you, get over it".

Thanks everyone for the replies - I've read them all carefully and am grateful for the advice. I think the best plan is what dreamingbohemian suggests. At least I can prepare my poker face reaction for when DH tells me about his Best Man apppointment. I do think down the line I need to have a calm conversation with DH about all this and how I feel he has let me down through the years - he usually defends me to the hilt but not in this case. His friend made the pass at me when DH and I had been dating for only a month or so so DH says it is in the past, he was young etc.
The advice to attend the wedding is interesting (yes, I will be invited I have heard).

ticklebumpkin Yes, that puts things into perspective. I will be going back to work soon and every minute is precious so I should be focussing on her and not wasting my energy elsewhere.

tsunami I like the voodoo doll idea :o

hairfullofsnakes Yes, I need to be civil and she would hate that. We don't have that many mutual friends, thankfully, but they have just sort of accepted her (although some have slagged her off behind her back). My friends saw through her immediately, especially as one of them overheard her making a snide comment to me about my weight even though she is very overweight herself. Although I have lost 4 stone since then so looking fabulous at the wedding would be easier to do now :o

I agree with joric I can understand how this person has really got under your skin, I am 36 and have learnt to, grudingly at times to let go of things, life is too shrot etc. But there is something there, barrier that you cant get round re this issue.

Are you annoyed at yourself do you think for forgiving her and letting her back in - i.e. she has proved your judgement to be wrong? If you think it is related to this turn it around and remember you were gracious enough to forgive. She doesnt sound like a nice person and will become unstuck at some point. With all the copying and weedling, it is like she is stealing from you a lifestyle, its hard to take this as a compliment but how sad she had to do this for herself.

Or is it you are annoyed because other people cant see it especially your DH, - try not to speak to him about this much, as I think its a women thing. I think what is harder too, is in the process of stealing your lifestyle its not really tangible, and its hard to 'take it back' or stop her, as they are things which you cant control (you not a control freak are you? as this would explain why you feel so untterly frustrated and hateful towards this person).

Some one further up said about not including her in stuff, just dont why should you, leave her to her friends, starts surrounding yourself with real loyal friends and goto places.

I really dislike calculating manipulative people - had a friend like this and at 37 she still used to fall out and categorise her friends according tohow they met with her requirments. When she couldnt have children she dropped all her friends with children and blamed them. Some people dont grow up.

Sorry Ive gone on ai hope some of it gives you food for thought.

Oh some of my comments are out of date now, pick through what you will