To feel consumed by hate for ex-friend?

[whydoidoit]

*namechanged
I know IABU but I can't help it.
Long story - when I was a teenager I hung around with 4 other girls and in our early 20s there was a bit of a split amongst the group (different unis, interests etc.) and a falling out which left me feeling really hurt (2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives. I believe it was because one of jealous of the way my life was going and the other was a complete sheep, not very bright and just followed the other one because she was told to). Years later it transpires that the jealous girl had slept with the sheep girl's boyfriend and so they fell out too. About 5 years later, I was out in town one night and sheep girl came up to me crying and begging to be forgiven etc. so we slowly became friends again, despite my niggling doubts. All of a sudden thought, she started inviting herself out everywhere with us, buying the same clothes as me, throwing herself at all my friends and becoming their best buddies (facebooking and phoning them all the time etc.). I was a fairly annoyed by all of this obviously but felt sorry for her as she didn't really have any friends of her own (she flits from person to person). Anyway, time went on and she started dating DHs friend. She turned into a complete moron everytime they were together (cutesy voice, all over him etc.) when we went out. She would also make snide comments out of earshot of everyone else like 'I bet you will be so cross if I have babies before you' - er..no, i don't live my life as a competition, thanks. So, this started to get grating and even more annoying. I didn't know what to do so I started being a bit abrupt with her. I know that I should have handled it better but every time I saw her my blood would boil with annoyance and I couldn't help myself. So, she picked up on this and her boyfriend emailed me and asked me what the problem was. I just said that I had some issues, I was sorry for the way I behaved and let's get on with things for the sake of DH. her boyfriend then went on a complete rant about how I thought I was so perfect and had so many friends when I really I was just a complete bitch etc. I forwarded the email to her who replied with a 'lets forget about it and move on' etc. email. Anyway, this went on and I carried on living my life but just not inviting them anywhere etc. (I usually organised our group social/weekend activities) but DH was annoyed at being 'stuck in the middle' etc. So, a complete division in the group - I had predicted that something like that would happen and she would be trying to take over but I was dismissed as being irrational etc. My DH thinks I behaved terribly to his friend and the girl and it has been a bone of contention in our house for years. In fact the only thing we have every really fought about. She is now best friends with someone I used to be very close to and is engaged to her boyfriend (so has got everything she ever wanted), who has asked DH to be Best Man (despite never making the effort to meet our DD born 6 months ago). I found this out on facebook as DH has not bothered to tell me yet as I am sure he thinks I will go mad (and our DD has been in hospital so I have been very stressed and I am sure he does not want to add to that). My problem is that I can't stop thinking about her and wishing her ill. I work in the caring profession and do not hate anyone else in this world but the hate I feel for her is all consuming. I'm 37, not 17 and know that it's a childish way to feel. I think about it all the time and it's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. Do I need councelling to try and get over this? Will I ever get over it if she is constantly circling my life).
As I said I know IABU but need help in trying to figure out how to move on and live my life free from hating this girl (by the way, initiating contact with her is not an option, I could not stand to be in her company even if it would solve the problems with DH).
Sorry it's long and boring...

I don't get why you hate her either. Hate is for people who've been cruel to you, or really wounded your feelings. This person has done neither (at least not since you've been adults.

Honestly? You need counselling.

HPonEverything I know, I clearly never forgave her for the way she acted when we were teenagers. It was a really tough time. Perhaps I should have talked it through with her better. And yes, her boyfriend is a knob. He tried to come on to me years ago and is a total sleeze. I have seen him a few times in the past year and we have had a reasonable exchange but I haven't spoken to her.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Going to the wedding would be hypocritical of me. I know, it is bizarre. I am usually a completely rational member of societt. It's just this one thing that sends me loopy.

MightyQuim I really don't like it when DH is in their company. He knows this but i don't say much as I don't want to be controlling. He sees him once a week playing football and they got out drinking a couple of times a year.

I don't get it, I really don't. You clearly need to do something about this all consuming anger though, it doesn't seem warranted and it's only doing you harm.

I don't think I'd criticise her fiance for not coming to see your baby. Lots of men have no interest in babies at all. I actively keep my DH away from them as he finds them boring and stressful. If he hadn't bothered coming to your wedding then I think you'd have a point.

I think it's not jealousy driving you, but a sense of injustice.

Here is this supremely annoying person who is nevertheless managing to hang out with your friends and even marry one of them, and even worse your own DH and others think you are in the wrong for being annoyed by her. This goes against everything you probably think in terms of how people should be rewarded/punished based on their behaviour.

Sorry if this sounds off base, but I research violence and insurgency and one of the main things driving people to hatred and violence even when it is clearly self-destructive is a sense of injustice. The need for justice is strongly inherent in human beings.

So I suggest trying to come to terms with the fact that life really is not fair, and that in this one instance you will have to swallow your pride and try to improve the situation. Think of it as coming to peace terms with an enemy, wars can't last forever, and regardless of who was in the wrong first, the person who keeps the conflict going becomes just as much to blame.

x-posts, why

• and sorry if it sonded rude saying you seem jealous...

But it does seem a bit as if you're going in for justifying yourself and demonising her a bit, which probably means you're not really telling yourself the whole story.

You can't dictate who your DH socialises with though. You can express your displeasure that he seems to have taken his friends part in the dispute over yours when his friend has behaved equally, if not more, unreasonably than you.
I think the hate is probably more to do with the effect the situation is having on you and your dh tbh. I would hope that if someone had treated me badly my dh would support me.

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine I feel so mad about it I am scared of what I might say if I met up with her, honestly. And I am sure if I let her back into my life that the same thing would happen again - inviting herself everywhere etc.

afishcalledmummy DH knows I think he has been incredibly disloyal throughout the whole thing so yes, part of it could be deflective feelings.

Tchootnika I couldn't describe her as having any clout. Stuck in a dead end job she hates but no ambition to change it. A string of failed relationships. Maybe I am not telling myself the whole story but my God, I have spent years, days and hours thinking about it so if I haven't found out what the missing bit is yet then I doubt I will.

joric I am very lucky in that I do have many wonderful friends who are not associated with her who I spend lots of time with. I really want to not let her get to me, but can't seem to move on.

ZillionChocolate He wasn't at our wedding because he was away travelling. I just thought that if he considers himself to be DHs best friend then he should have made an effort or even sent a card.

dreamingbohemian I really identify with this. I do feel a terrible sense of injustice. Do you mean i should try and initiate contact and apologise by saying I should improve the situation? Any ideas would be welcome. Although the idea of meeting up with her makes my stomach churn.

MightyQuim DH knows I feel he has been very unsupportive through this but he feels he is stuck in the middle between me and his friend. I thought there would be a clear cut priority but my idea of loyalty and his are obviously very different.

I think you see her as having control over things, she dumps you when you're teenagers, then when she's back in your life she muscles in on your friendships, gets the husband she's always wanted, even winds you up by intimating she will have babies before you.

I've only skimmed many of these posts but you said earlier on you don't trust many people not to let you down.

I think counselling would be a good idea, I went for counselling myself over something in the past I was reacting to in an unrational way.

I remember my counsellor saying "feelings aren't rational!"

GettinTrimmer I just want to get on with my life and enjoy every minute of it so maybe it is time I chatted to someone impartial about it so I can move on -either by reconnecting with her (doubtful) or letting go of the hate.
Good to hear counselling worked for you.

OK, so if you must keep thinking about this, maybe look over the nicely paragraphed Queen draft, and every time you get to something that's questionable, ask yourself - wait for it - why?

Also this is really obvious, but the thing about going over these things over and over again in your own mind, is that they don't become more readily understandable, they just snowball and get more and more distorted.
Also, you end up thinking you know stuff which you don't...

ya totall u to be consumed by hate

she sounds desperately irritating... but that's it.. not worthy of hate... hate destroys the hater imo and should not be entered into if at all possible, and certainly not for somebody who has not really done anything detrimental to you in the long run.

For a while after my wedding, I was also consumed with hate towards a woman (pervious friend) who had basically tried to ruin it 3 days before.

After several weeks (so god knows how you've kept this up for so long, you must be exhausted) I decided I needed to break free from it as it wasn't healthy and I wasn't coping.

I internalised some advice my mum gave me years before in a different situation: any of us will only ever make a handful (or 2) of true, real friends on our lifetimes; invest thoroughly in those ones and divert your energy to them instead of spending it on those that don't matter, or aren't true.

I repeated a condenced form of this like a mantra.

She's still a cunt, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter so much anymore.

I don't think it's about what she's done or not done. I think you really really don't like her and probably can't understand why anyone else likes her either. We all have people like this in our lives. Honestly, you're doing yourself no good at all with the feelings of hatred etc. Push her to the edge of your existence. Don't speak about her unless you have to. Let those who will be friends with her. You need to move on as far as possible and stop letting her colour your present and future.

Actually, I do understand how you feel. Essentially, this woman triggers negative feelings in you and I'm a believer that you should try as far as possible to surround yourself with positive influences who make you feel good and happy. I think us ladies can be very sensitive to unspoken vibes that are hard to put into words and sometimes - we feel uncomfortable with certain people.
You really don't need to see this woman yourself but the only issue as far as I can see is your dh's involvement. My advice is to not slag her off or criticize her or her partner, just perhaps say she isn't someone you feel comfortable with hence you don't want to pursue a friendship - just keep it cordial if you bump into her.
At the end of the day, you can't change what she does but you can change your own attitude and thought processes. Think of her as someone on the periphery of your life with no real influence because really that's essentially what she is.

I'm not sure if you should apologise basically, when I said improve the situation, I just mean that you should try to find some way to defuse the hostility and tension that exists at the moment. Both of you in the past have sent emails saying 'let's forget about it and move on', do you think you can get back to that point again somehow but actually mean it?

You also need to set a realistic objective for yourself -- say, that you will continue to not be fond of her, but able to tolerate her company politely.

Try to think of small steps you can take, not one big one. For example, as a first step, you could try to stop saying anything bad about her to anyone else (including your DH). Down the line, you could try being in the same room as her in mixed company, and so on.

It's important to analyse your feelings and try to reduce the sense of hatred, but at the same time it might help to think less about just the emotions and more about practical things you can do -- about a process. I'm sorry, it does suck you have to do this, but you need to get this poisonous thinking out of your life. You wouldn't be doing this for her sake but for your own.

I think its really great you're reflecting on this and trying to change your feelings/ behaviour. You seem to be acknowledging that your emotional response to her is dispreportionate, that would suggest to me that you need to look inwardly to find the root of this as opposed to outwardly at her.

Good luck!

This is what I think you should do:

Talk about it on this thread.

And then zip it, finito, do not talk about her anymore. Anywhere.

She's annoying but the more you pick over it like a scab the worse it becomes.

I know people say talking helps, but sometimes I think that that just prolongs the situation and gives it a magnitude that it doesn't deserve.

Talk about it her, then stop. Leave it. There is nothing more to say.

It will get better, I promise, but you have to learn to sit on your hands and let it take a back seat.

Forget it, distance yourself from her, and be polite and civil when you do see her.

And if you need something to spur you on, think of this - your DD is only 6 months old. You're wasting your babyhood on someone/something that DOESN'T MATTER. Don't let her take this time away from you, you only have it once.

her babyhood, sorry!

I had a similar situation a few years ago.

I was friendly with a group briefly in high school but just lost contact with them, randomly a few years later I bumped into one of the girls and we hit it off.
We started to see each other often, mostly because she had no other friends and I felt a bit sorry for her.

I was part of a large group of friends at the time, we had all been friends for years and it was perfect, no in group squabbling, everyone got on perfectly with each other, ext.
I started inviting her out with my group, I though she would apreciate being included.
With in a month she had started an affair with one of my friends and distroyed his marriage (they had a 6 month.)
People started to dislike her, which split the group when she was there.
After a couple of months she had slept with 7 more people in my group, destroying 4 more relationships.
She made up stories about people, and spread lies.
She caused so much tension and drama that the group was pretty much distroyed and it never really recovered.

Most of the people barley even speak now apart from on special occasions.

I got so peed off with her I got her barred from the bar and nightclub that I worked in.
And in retaliation she cornered my 17 year old sister in tesco and verbally attacked her calling her a fat, ugly slag and making her cry. My sister is and was size 8 and is stunning, she looks like a frigging super model.

That night she came into our local laughing and joking about making my sister cry, intentionally in ear shot.
I lost my temper and poured a pint of blue wkd and reef (a kermit spunk) over her and dragged her outside. I didn't touch her I just shouted at her but I was so mad I could have killed her.

5 years have passed now, she got married and has two kids,
her husband cheated on her with her best friend, a work coligue and several other people, according to her Facebook and he even gave her a couple of STD's.

The moral of the whole ordeal...
Karma gets everyone. And trust me whydoidoit your ex friend will get hers.

its you that comes across as awful though, judgemental, nasty and holding a grudge.

DevotionandDesire - the girl you described sounds like a nasty piece of work but I can't see how she forced 8 of your friends to sleep with her (5 who were in relationships). I think those 5 have to take equal blame for ruining your friendship group!

OP I really think it is your DH that is causing the resentment. If it wasn't affecting your relationship I'm sure this woman would mean very little to you. You would just steer clear of her and meet up with your like-minded friends.
Your dh needs to realise that there has maybe been unreasonableness on both sides and let it go - not keep on at you about how appallingly you have treated 'sheep' and his friend. I wonder if he regularly pulls his friend up on the nasty e-mail he sent you? I doubt it somehow.
Your DH's loyalty seems to lie with his friend over you and I'm not surprised that is making you feel resentful towards the person who appears to have turned him against you. I really think your dh needs to decide what's most important to him and that doesn't mean an ultimatum - just that his wife and child should be his top priority.

DevotionandDesire - the girl you described sounds like a nasty piece of work but I can't see how she forced 8 of your friends to sleep with her (5 who were in relationships). I think those 5 have to take equal blame for ruining your friendship group!

Did you not know, Quim, there was a mole on the underside of her left foot; she fraternized (or should that be 'sororized'?) with cats and spiders of a full moon, and the milk went off and all the cows farted when she smiled... the hoo-urrr... [anger]

ffs, i hate it when people complain about there being no paragraphs, like being back at school, i read it just fine thanks op,