to wish mil would stp ranting about ds learning to swim and to think a 4 year old doesn't *need* to

[lecce]

Sorry this is long, it probably seem something and nothing but it is getting to me!

Mil is quite a controlling woman - she loves being a gp but can be quite opinionated. Fortunately, we share similar opinions on most aspects of child-rearing, though she has made comments here and there, which I have tended to smile and ignore.

The main 'problem' (though it hasn't really caused and huge problem as such, yet) is that when she spends time with the dc she likes to be in charge and dominate them. I am f/t wohp and dh a sahd so we have mainly got around this by her seeing them while I am at work - thereby giving dh a little break and not annoying me!

When ds1 was about 6 months old and I went back to work she said she wanted to take him to swimming lessons. Now I can't swim and dh was new to being a sahd then and unsure about whether he could/wanted to take ds to the parent/ child sessions, so we agreed. I will admit I felt a little put out about it because I felt that she wanted to have a 'project' with ds - it wasn't enough for her to visit him, she had to be the one to teach him to swim. I told myself I was being silly/ a bitch and the swimming lessons went ahead, with much fanfare from mil.

Ds was always a little lacking in confidence physically and I became aware that mil was having problems getting him to join in with some of the activities the class were doing - splashing/etc. She was never horrible about it but she did make several comments comparing him to other children and this annoyed me. I raised it with dh and he felt I was just jealous of his mother taking ds swimming, there may well have been some truth in this so I let it drop.

Another annoyance was that I am a teacher and she continued with the lessons during the school holidays. This was ok in itself (though I will admit a couple of times I deliberatlely accidentally arranged other stuff on those days so it had to be cancelled) but she lives a 90 minute drive away, suffers from insomnia and the lesson was at 9.45am. She would arrive right at the last minute, in a complete flap and bark orders at me about the stuff he needed. It was a pain and I began to think if it was so hard for her why didn't she just drop it? We never asked her to take him. It became clear dh felt the same as I did as when I mentioned her lateness/stressed manner he agreed and said he was worried it was too much for her.

Fortunately, I then went on mat leave with ds2 and it all fizzled out a little and then ds turned 3 and too old for the accompanied classes anyway. We considered starting him on the next classes but money was pretty tight when I was on mat leave and it was not our priorty. Since then (this was over a year ago) mil is always on at us to start him on the classes saying we 'really must get it sorted' and asking whether we have 'managed to sort it out yet' and sighing heavily when the answer is 'no'. The thing is, we have looked into it but I really don't see any hurry. I have done some research and it seems to suggest that most children aren't physically ready to swim before 7 and he will get lessons through school before then, right? He and his brother do 2 other classes - both of which they asked to do and love and to do a third seems an expense we could forgo - or AWBU?

The thing is, now she has said that she is going to start taking ds1 to swimminng lesosns again - why???? Why can't it be our decision? I feel she has decided that we are so irresponsible we were never going to get around to it and it has all been left to her yet does he really need to swim now? I say no. I am also annoyed that she doesn't offer to take ds2 to the same classes she took ds1 to. Imo, that would be the more logical step and would mean she had treated them both equally but instead she has this obsession with ds1 swimming but couldn't care less about ds2! (Btw, I don't expect her to take ds2, just feel it would make more sense than what she is proposing.) Also, I am not sure how she would deal with any reluctance on ds's part (I am sure there would be some because he would be nervous) and just feel that she may handle it in a way dh and I would not be happy with - I'm not talking about endangering him, obviously, but he does lack confidence a little physiacally (though has improved a lot) and I don't know how gentle she'd be and how much comparing him to others in the class there would be. Most of all, I really don't like being told that this is happening.

AIBU to tell her no?

I think there's a lot of pressure to get children able to swim to a high standard early.
However DS2 utterly failed to master swimming at an early age and I gave up lessons as it was a waste of money.
Then he cracked it by himself when he was 8 and mucking about in a pool on holiday. Being able to wear goggles was what did it.

Only got 2 page in, but IMO you are being a little unreasonable.

I can totally understand your concerns about someone else taking over this aspect of your son's life, however given that you show no intention of doing yourslef, and given how important it is, I really think you should find away to accept your MILs help.

I can understand about your son's water confidence issues. My son is 5 and has just learned to swim after huge issues in the water. He has been going to lessons for over a year and basically made almost no progress in that time due to refusing to let his head or face in the water at all. Finally during the summer holidays I decided I needed to break the problem if he was to get anywhere with swimming. Through a combination of tough love, incentives and sheer persistence over the course of the summer hols I have got him to the point where he not only allows his face to get wet but almost dives in from the deep end and can sim a length to the shallow end and will swim under the water for a brief period.

Point of that is not to brag about my son, but to make it clear that poor water confidence is not a barrier, as long as you push the issue. Putting it off and hoping school wil deal with it in a few years will only make it worse IMO. I would accept MIL offer, but make sure you have a full and frank conversation about how she handles your son. I would also say you need to take him yourself outside of the lessons and push him as you see appropriate.

Sorry to go on, issue close to my heart after a heartbreaking year + of watching my son be a quivering wreck every saturday morning while the rest of the class had fun and made progress.

Oooh, having said that it's wrong we have been 3 times this year to the outdoor paddling pool and both dc loved it! Didn't think of it at first because it's not a swimming pool.

Also went to Brighton and ds1 was really brave with the waves - it is a steep shore with quite big waves and he was lying down waiting for them - he got wet right up his body and splashed in the face - he would never have done that this time last year and this is why a bit of me thinks we were right to leave it over the last year as his confidence around water does seem to have improved without his having been in any! Can't believe I didn't think to write that earlier. I do think the time is right now though.

Taking kids to the pool can be pretty challenging and lots of pools only let you have little ones on a 1:1 ratio.

Check this out before you send him off on his own as it is really frustrating to get there and not be allowed in.

I would also suggest lots of towels for afterwards and an immediate snack for hungry/possibly cold children.

lecce
all four of you go
then you and DH can chat and he can do a few lengths
the kids can swim / splash / play between you
if they see being in the water as something fun then you will ALL relax
if you have mum friends you can go with, save the lessons money and book an afternoon every week to go
then MILs afternoons slot into a pattern and EVERYBODY wins

There are always plenty of men with their children at my local pool

p.s. they can deffo swim well before 7.

My 4 year old has just started swimming, my 5 year old can now swim a length (both doggy paddle) but he has a just 5 year old in his class at school that can actually swim proper strokes brilliantly.

Glad you've reconsidered the importance of having him taught early.

The earlier they learn, the more comfy they are. I think children take to water better if they are introduced to it straight away. I think if you leave it, that's when they start to get scared of it and it makes learning more difficult.

Generally. Not every child is the same, obviously.

My grandparents (dads parents) were the ones who took me swimming when I was very little (3yrs old).. I loved going. Its one of the few memories I have of my grandad.

It was too long and I don't have that kind of attention span.

But YABU about the swimming, not panicking, being able to keep their heads above water and get to the side can mean the difference between life and death.

2 year olds can do that.

My 7 year old is now capable of laps, but he was 'safe' in the water well before that.

swimming toddler

FWIW my dd1 could swim at three. And so cute in a black speedo and with black goggles, my next dc haven't had the same ooportunities in England because I couldn't take them all together. But they are getting it now.

Both my sons learnt to swim through the school lessons. DS1 wasn't a confident child and didn't like going in the water but he learnt with his friends which was much better than us getting stressed with him when we had tried taking him ourselves. He still doesn't like going in the deep end or getting his face in the water but he can do it if he has too.

Ds2 isn't a strong swimmer but has lots more confidence in the water and still has another 2 years of lessons at school so I am sure he will improve his technique etc then. When we have gone swimming as a family it is just for fun.

If your son isn't ready then wait, although I know from reading the couple of pages I am in the minority for saying that.

morecrack and katisha thats how I learned to swim. My parents could not afford formal lessons and i used to go swimming regularly just to lark about in the water, it also helped as i loved the water too. By the time we had swimming lessons at school at 7 I knew more or less how to swim, just how to do the techniques properly.

SWimming is a really important life skill but I've not yet met a swimming teacher who has said lessons before 3 will make any difference. Before 3, it's about confidence and happiness in the water which is achieved with a calm, loving adult.

But I think this is more about swimming lessons. Your mil seems keen to make her "stamp" on your children. If they became Olympic swimmers, it would be all down to her, right?

It's more than about swimming obviously and it's not just about a grandma spending special time with her gcs. So many seem to make a competition about parenting choices and don't seem to realise they are in fact not the parents!

Op, I can completely understand your irritation at being told you are lacking in the area of ensuring your dcs can swim but it's really not up to your mil to make these decisions. They are your decisions to make and whatever the consequences are yours too. That is what being a parent is all about. Your mil has had her turn. Her dh should tell her that your dss will have lessons when you think it's necessary. Regardless of who is paying.

I think you are being stubborn fwiw. If she is offering and paying then be grateful!

That is all very well if it is a simple, generous offer without strings attached that OP feels she can say 'no' to if she wishes without WW3 ensuing.

(Can you tell I've been there, done that with my MIL - albeit not with swimming ).

OP - you should be able to say 'no' without repercussions but I know only too well how bloody difficult that can be. Have you asked your DS if he wants to have another go at it?

I'd also agree that it is probably worth attaching a bit more importance to learning to swim than you do currently. Water safety and confidence are just as important as actual swimming at such a young age and children can make good progress younger than 7. Provision at school alone is unlikely to be enough, and if your DS can swim it will make life easier for you on holiday etc. As he get's older there's a good chance he'll be invited to 'pool parties' and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to miss out or be teased because the majority of the others are swimmers.

Perhaps you could look into a short-term intensive course during the school holidays. That was how my DD started at 5.5 and she probably made faster progress with that than she did with the weekly lessons that followed.

Has the added benefit of getting MIL off your back quicker too !

I'm sure I read that most drowning deaths are swimmers who went out of their depth/ swam dangerously, rather than non-swimmers

Drowning is the sixth leading cause of unintentional injury death for people of all ages, and the second leading cause of death for children ages 1 to 14 years.

Thats from the US government I can't find the stats for the UK. But accidental death by drowning is usually due to children not being able to save themselves when they fall in not from going out of their deep.

I have not read all pp's so sorry if repeating but if I am honest I don't think this is a swimming issue but that you feel your mil is controlling.

I would say to mil, we think it is too much for you, but I would have the dc's i swimming lessons and myself if I couldn't swim. I taught my son to swim when he was 4 and he is still not a very strong swimmer at 10 but he could get himself out of trouble. My dd is 18mths and she is in and out of the water all the time so we are gradually introducing the idea of how to swim now.

Water safety is extremely important imo.

I have forgotten more than you will ever know about a controlling interfering MIL - I won't get myself started - and you know when they are most infuriating?

When they are right. Like yours is over this.

Haven't read the inital post - too long - but going on thread title - a four year old may not need to swim but its all about confidence .

I didn't learn to swim until later in life and not that confident - I didn't wany my DC to be like that - so took both DS to mother and baby lessons then when they were 3 they went in on their own. My eldest lacked confidnec initally but at aged nearly 11 is a really strong swimmer and has an amazing butterly stroke .

My younger one , age 9, is also now a good swimmer - before he had swimming lessons he showed no fear of water and would readily jump in the water - had swimming lessons to save me from heart attack .

them being able to swim has opened up new opportunites for them - they both canoe and have the freedom (relatively) of playing in pool when on holiday.

Swimming is an important skill in life and not worth fallin out with MIL. Children can miss out ona lot if not confident in water - wait until your DS is older ang gets invited to birthday pool parties and he can't go in or yiu have to go with him.

I know of very few children aged 6 - 7 who dont like going in water - out local swimmiong pool has waiting lists for lessons and I suppose may do - doesn't that tell you something about this important skill ?

we found formal lessons a waste of time DD did them for a year when she was 3 and this summer did a boot camp of lessons every day for a week but still couldn't swim she's now just 5. She's physically cautious abit like your son maybe. Just back from holidays and DD swimming like a fish as dh and I taught her ourselves. We did it calmly and slowly we were in the empty pool on holiday for an hour a day. By the time we left she had done a length - for us with a nervous child the lessons were hopeless.

My 6 year old can swim 4 different strokes and does 20 or so lengths in a swimming lesson. My 2 year old can swim 25m (one length, mixture of breaststroke arms and kicking legs) and I know kids who are better than her. Your DCs need to learn to swim. We live in a hot country and are able to swim nearly every day. DD1 swims every week at school and both do one swimming lesson a week at home.

There are other issues here about your controlling MIL. She probably feels she has found an area that isn't really your strength but where she can "help" but has gone about it completely the wrong way since day 1.

Do what you have to do to teach your kids this life-saving skill asap and sort out the issues with your MIL separately

Good for you, OP for taking the comments on board and realising that you are (in part) being unreasonable.

Fwiw, I would let MIL do her swimming thing.

I find with parents, you have to pick your battles. It is not worth fighting MIL on this one. Nothing she is suggesting is harmful, just a bit - ok, a lot - irritating.

With a controlling person, I find the best way is to be firm first. So when she arrives in a flap, hand her the bag with the swimming stuff, say "There. Everything is in there and I have put an apple in. Make sure he eats it when he comes out of the pool, he is always ravenous".

If you don't want this to be something your mil does with your kids fair enough - your kids your choice so just say no - BUT I do think all kids should learn to swim as early as is practical. You should see the way 3 year olds swim like fish here in Oz because it is seen as a real priority (pool ownership rates are high and the drowning stats for back yard pools are horrible for toddlers). My 8yo was put in a "remedial swimming group" when we arrived because he couldn't do 100m of " the four major strokes" which included butterfly

one of my girls had her 5 metre swimming badge at 4, and the other had 5 and 10 metres at 4. They need to learn water confidence from an early age or they will become one of these children that clings onto the parent, still has floatation aids at the age of 8! If they ever fell into a lake etc, are you confident they would be able to get out???