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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish mil would stp ranting about ds learning to swim and to think a 4 year old doesn't *need* to

168 replies

lecce · 29/08/2011 22:09

Sorry this is long, it probably seem something and nothing but it is getting to me!

Mil is quite a controlling woman - she loves being a gp but can be quite opinionated. Fortunately, we share similar opinions on most aspects of child-rearing, though she has made comments here and there, which I have tended to smile and ignore.

The main 'problem' (though it hasn't really caused and huge problem as such, yet) is that when she spends time with the dc she likes to be in charge and dominate them. I am f/t wohp and dh a sahd so we have mainly got around this by her seeing them while I am at work - thereby giving dh a little break and not annoying me!

When ds1 was about 6 months old and I went back to work she said she wanted to take him to swimming lessons. Now I can't swim Blush and dh was new to being a sahd then and unsure about whether he could/wanted to take ds to the parent/ child sessions, so we agreed. I will admit I felt a little put out about it because I felt that she wanted to have a 'project' with ds - it wasn't enough for her to visit him, she had to be the one to teach him to swim. I told myself I was being silly/ a bitch and the swimming lessons went ahead, with much fanfare from mil.

Ds was always a little lacking in confidence physically and I became aware that mil was having problems getting him to join in with some of the activities the class were doing - splashing/etc. She was never horrible about it but she did make several comments comparing him to other children and this annoyed me. I raised it with dh and he felt I was just jealous of his mother taking ds swimming, there may well have been some truth in this so I let it drop.

Another annoyance was that I am a teacher and she continued with the lessons during the school holidays. This was ok in itself (though I will admit a couple of times I deliberatlely accidentally arranged other stuff on those days so it had to be cancelled) but she lives a 90 minute drive away, suffers from insomnia and the lesson was at 9.45am. She would arrive right at the last minute, in a complete flap and bark orders at me about the stuff he needed. It was a pain and I began to think if it was so hard for her why didn't she just drop it? We never asked her to take him. It became clear dh felt the same as I did as when I mentioned her lateness/stressed manner he agreed and said he was worried it was too much for her.

Fortunately, I then went on mat leave with ds2 and it all fizzled out a little and then ds turned 3 and too old for the accompanied classes anyway. We considered starting him on the next classes but money was pretty tight when I was on mat leave and it was not our priorty. Since then (this was over a year ago) mil is always on at us to start him on the classes saying we 'really must get it sorted' and asking whether we have 'managed to sort it out yet' and sighing heavily when the answer is 'no'. The thing is, we have looked into it but I really don't see any hurry. I have done some research and it seems to suggest that most children aren't physically ready to swim before 7 and he will get lessons through school before then, right? He and his brother do 2 other classes - both of which they asked to do and love and to do a third seems an expense we could forgo - or AWBU?

The thing is, now she has said that she is going to start taking ds1 to swimminng lesosns again - why???? Why can't it be our decision? I feel she has decided that we are so irresponsible we were never going to get around to it and it has all been left to her yet does he really need to swim now? I say no. I am also annoyed that she doesn't offer to take ds2 to the same classes she took ds1 to. Imo, that would be the more logical step and would mean she had treated them both equally but instead she has this obsession with ds1 swimming but couldn't care less about ds2! (Btw, I don't expect her to take ds2, just feel it would make more sense than what she is proposing.) Also, I am not sure how she would deal with any reluctance on ds's part (I am sure there would be some because he would be nervous) and just feel that she may handle it in a way dh and I would not be happy with - I'm not talking about endangering him, obviously, but he does lack confidence a little physiacally (though has improved a lot) and I don't know how gentle she'd be and how much comparing him to others in the class there would be. Most of all, I really don't like being told that this is happening.

AIBU to tell her no?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 29/08/2011 22:48

there are two distinct issues going on here:

  • your battle with your MIL over the issue (and lets be honest from your description if it wasn't swimming it would be something else) on which wiser women than I can advise you.

  • whether it is important to be able to swim beofre the age of 7 - on which I feel pretty well qualified to answer...

WHen my DS came to me at 1 (adopted) he was so terrified of the water that he couldn;t be put in a bath and I had to bathe him sitting on the draining board of the kitchen sink initially with just his feet in the water. Now at 5 he can swim 25 metres and learnt to dive in his last lesson and its taken a lot of persevereance and hard work on my part. At some point between terror at 1 and swimming along the bottom of the pool "like a shark" at 5 he got to really enjoying splashing around in teh pool without any fear at all (probably around 3) which I would say is the bare minimum you need to get to before 6/7.

I have sat at my fair share of swimming lessons watching 7 year olds being taught to swim and the lesson consists not of teaching them to swim but trying to overcome their fear of the water. Their parent never gets in the water with them and they think that 30 mins once a week for 10 weeks is going to take their child from fear of the water to swimming properly. Not likely.

If you want him to be able to swim confidently (at 7 if you have an objection to it being before then) then you need to take him every week and get in and play with him - every week. Without fail. CHildrne who are still scared of the water regress very quickly if you miss a week or two. I learnt the hard way that missing one week set DS back 2 or three weeks so very quickly learnt to treat it as an evil necessity.

I should add that shortly after DS learnt to swim, he fell in my sisters swimming pool (ran onto the cover to get a football and went straight through) and no his knowing how to swim didn't save his life as at around 3 he wasn;t left on his own near water without an adult so was fished out pretty quickly by FIL. However it meant a potentially terrifying experience was downgraded to a slightly shocking one (from DS's perspective) and I am totally convinced if he hadn't become so much more confident in the water before it happening he would probably not have set foot in the water again.

But thats besides the point. If you want your DS to learn to swim at the age of 7, the best way to do it is by him being confident in the water before then even if he can't properly swim.

pigletmania · 29/08/2011 22:48

I don't think that I started formal swimming lessons until I was 7 at school, we used to be bused every week to the local leisure centre and I learn to swim properly, however I was taken swimming (informally) regularly before then, and was confident in the water and being in and around it. I watched others swim and copied and when I was 7 had an idea of what I had to do. I can swim and out of my depth too, tread water and swim to save my life, don't know about anybody elses but would have a good go if I saw someone in the water that needed help

Solo · 29/08/2011 22:48

IME, the younger the child, the less they fear the water in general. Of course there are exceptions, but all told, I think children should learn from around 4yo. My Ds learned at that age and when he had 'lessons' with school, it was every other half a term for one school year. Doesn't equal much in the way of swimming lessons really.
My Dd is 4 and has just started having swimming lessons. She's doing really well already because she doesn't fear the water ~ she has no reason to yet.

So, let your MIL take your Ds or sign him up for lessons at your local pool.

Kewcumber · 29/08/2011 22:49

oops thats a bit of an essay Blush

Bluebell99 · 29/08/2011 22:49

I have just got back from holiday, and saw a frightening accident with a little boy aged about 3 or 4. I was on a sunbed near the shallow pool which was 1.2m (so not that shallow) when a dad leapt into the pool and rescued his son who was wearing a rubber ring for younger children with leg holes and had tipped over into the pool so his head was under water and he couldn't right himself again.

Original poster
lecce · 29/08/2011 22:50

Ok so IABU then! I will certainly get lessons sorted for him, as was aways my intention, but will get my arse moving on it. Really don't want mil to take him, and those who have said be grateful she is offering to pay- be grateful you don't have someone who constantly throws money at you as a way of controlling/influencing your life - it's not that great!

I'm sure I read that most drowning deaths are swimmers who went out of their depth/ swam dangerously, rather than non-swimmers...

OP posts:
naughtaless · 29/08/2011 22:50

I should add that dd's swim school teacher taught ds from the age of 2 and he swam his first length at the age of 8. That was the proudest day of my life.

Solo · 29/08/2011 22:51

Bluebell was he Ok? I didn't think those types of seated rings were meant for that age group and they are never meant to be left unattended.

bibbitybobbityhat · 29/08/2011 22:51

I would have answered but your op is too long, sorry.

fishtankneedscleaning · 29/08/2011 22:53

OP I strongly disagree. My dd passed her mile distance award at age 5. She passed her Gold Lifesaving Award at 7 years old.

TBH I don't think the issue is the swimming lessons. Why can't your MIL have special times with her grandson? After all learning to swim will do him more good than harm. Learning to swim could well save his life one day. I note you put an embarrassed emoticon when you said you could not swim. Significant maybe??

Original poster
lecce · 29/08/2011 22:53

That's ok, bibbity, plenty of others have Smile

OP posts:
bruffin · 29/08/2011 22:58

Swimming lessons for littles ones are about confidences. People drown because they panic in the water, so learning to breath by playing games will stop them panicing.
Mine were taught to automatically turn to the side when they jumped in from babies and to hold onto the side.

squeakytoy · 29/08/2011 22:59

Lecce, as someone else has said, you need more than just lessons to get a child to enjoy water. If your husband can swim, then let him take your son once a week.. not for lessons, but just for a fun splash about in the shallow end to get him used to the water.

Kandinsky · 29/08/2011 22:59

Children are able to learn to swim well before 7. My youngest DC was able to swim a whole length of our 25m pool at 4 and having had lessons from a very young age was able to jump in to deep water turn himself around and swim to the edge. He also disliked the lessons after a while so I stopped taking him but took him swimming at least once a week for years. Perhaps you could get your MIL to take him for fun rather than lessons. To enjoy swimming is far more important when he is so young than to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. He will not learn if he is stressed by the experience but will find it easier later on if he is happy to get his face wet and splash about.

Bluebell99 · 29/08/2011 23:00

Yes, the little boy was fine, Solo, crying from the shock. He had a younger sister so maybe was using her ring. Saw him later wearing armbands. i wouldn't have left a non swimming child out of their depth either, but his parents were sitting only feet away, and his dad was obviously watching, but just shows how quickly things can go wrong.
I was really shocked once though to see a swimming teacher leave her 3 yr old granddaughter in the pool out of her depth with a woggle (one of those long float things) whilst the swimming teacher had a shower on the pool side about 20 ft away. I was in the shower too, and felt really anxious about the child. No one else was in the pool.

TalkinPeace2 · 29/08/2011 23:01

I learned to swim when I was 10.
I still do not like to go under water
BUT
my kids have been in the pool at least once a month since they were 1
never had lessons - just messed about in the water
and they are both excellent swimmers
and I swim lots every week (head up!)

OP
take your kids to the pool
go with a friend and stand in the shallow bit and let the kids jump off you as you chat
they will learn to swim and you will cure your fears bit by bit

bubblesincoffee · 29/08/2011 23:02

You are probably right that more strong swimmers die through drowning than non swimmers, lots of scuba divers end up drowning because of some mistake or another, and divers tend to be people who can swim!

But that's not the point really.

Swimming is so much more than just a back up in case you ever fall into deep water. It's fun, it's heathy, it's educational if you get a chance to snorkel, it can be a competative sport. It's a skill that can give so much, a lot more than just the ability to save your life.

mrswoodentop · 29/08/2011 23:02

It is probably true that an under 7 may not have the strength to overcome panic and save themselves in an emergency but at least by teaching them to swim they have a chance if you don't teach them they have no chance

Interestingly your aside at the end of your last post still shows that you don't think it that importantHmm

festi · 29/08/2011 23:05

I knows you have now recognised that you should sort lessons, but another important thing for ds is that if you leave it he will most probably be in lessons with toddlers and under 5s. my dd was 4 and was one of the older kids in the class most are 2 or 3 however a girl aged 7 has joined and she is very self conciouse and aware that she is with much younger children.

Original poster
lecce · 29/08/2011 23:08

Oh ffs, of course I think it's important, I did think it wasn't important at 4 but this thread has changed my mind Smile. I seriously don't want my children to be unable to swim and I do now feel that issues with mil probably clouded my judgement on this, which is not good and I will rectify it. I still have a week off so will really try and get to the pool as someone suggested and have a splash around, and sort lessons at the same time.

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 29/08/2011 23:10

Apart from the swimming lessons with MIL, have you or your H ever taken ds1 or 2 swimming?

Roastchicken · 29/08/2011 23:14

That sounds great. I can sympathise on the MIL front. My MIL is miles away, but when we visit always puts the kids through an informal assessment of drawing/counting/climbing etc skills which sets my teeth on edge. But one thing to consider is that with MIL if it isn't about the swimming, it'll be something else. You should pick your battles, but given that he will do swimming lessons, is it really worth fighting over?

Original poster
lecce · 29/08/2011 23:15

No, which I am now thinking is really terrible Sad. It would never, until tonight, occur to me to go to a pool, tbh. Dh can swim but I think he is worried that if he takes the dc he will be the only man there and will feel, or make others feel, awkward. Btw, he goes to a couple of toddler groups and is always at the park in termtime, so is well used to being the only male, but I think it feels worse in a pool for some reason...will ask him tomorrow (he's asleep now.)

OP posts:
Solo · 29/08/2011 23:15

Phew! Bluebell.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 29/08/2011 23:17

Pressed post too soon, sorry.

Dd didnt have lessons but could swim by 4 simply because I took her every week. Lessons, which she began at 7, refined her technique.

Most kids starting lessons at that age had already had plenty of recreational swimming experience. If your son doesn't have that, and you delay lessons, he will be 'behind' in comparison to the others in his class.