to wish mil would stp ranting about ds learning to swim and to think a 4 year old doesn't *need* to

[lecce]

Sorry this is long, it probably seem something and nothing but it is getting to me!

Mil is quite a controlling woman - she loves being a gp but can be quite opinionated. Fortunately, we share similar opinions on most aspects of child-rearing, though she has made comments here and there, which I have tended to smile and ignore.

The main 'problem' (though it hasn't really caused and huge problem as such, yet) is that when she spends time with the dc she likes to be in charge and dominate them. I am f/t wohp and dh a sahd so we have mainly got around this by her seeing them while I am at work - thereby giving dh a little break and not annoying me!

When ds1 was about 6 months old and I went back to work she said she wanted to take him to swimming lessons. Now I can't swim and dh was new to being a sahd then and unsure about whether he could/wanted to take ds to the parent/ child sessions, so we agreed. I will admit I felt a little put out about it because I felt that she wanted to have a 'project' with ds - it wasn't enough for her to visit him, she had to be the one to teach him to swim. I told myself I was being silly/ a bitch and the swimming lessons went ahead, with much fanfare from mil.

Ds was always a little lacking in confidence physically and I became aware that mil was having problems getting him to join in with some of the activities the class were doing - splashing/etc. She was never horrible about it but she did make several comments comparing him to other children and this annoyed me. I raised it with dh and he felt I was just jealous of his mother taking ds swimming, there may well have been some truth in this so I let it drop.

Another annoyance was that I am a teacher and she continued with the lessons during the school holidays. This was ok in itself (though I will admit a couple of times I deliberatlely accidentally arranged other stuff on those days so it had to be cancelled) but she lives a 90 minute drive away, suffers from insomnia and the lesson was at 9.45am. She would arrive right at the last minute, in a complete flap and bark orders at me about the stuff he needed. It was a pain and I began to think if it was so hard for her why didn't she just drop it? We never asked her to take him. It became clear dh felt the same as I did as when I mentioned her lateness/stressed manner he agreed and said he was worried it was too much for her.

Fortunately, I then went on mat leave with ds2 and it all fizzled out a little and then ds turned 3 and too old for the accompanied classes anyway. We considered starting him on the next classes but money was pretty tight when I was on mat leave and it was not our priorty. Since then (this was over a year ago) mil is always on at us to start him on the classes saying we 'really must get it sorted' and asking whether we have 'managed to sort it out yet' and sighing heavily when the answer is 'no'. The thing is, we have looked into it but I really don't see any hurry. I have done some research and it seems to suggest that most children aren't physically ready to swim before 7 and he will get lessons through school before then, right? He and his brother do 2 other classes - both of which they asked to do and love and to do a third seems an expense we could forgo - or AWBU?

The thing is, now she has said that she is going to start taking ds1 to swimminng lesosns again - why???? Why can't it be our decision? I feel she has decided that we are so irresponsible we were never going to get around to it and it has all been left to her yet does he really need to swim now? I say no. I am also annoyed that she doesn't offer to take ds2 to the same classes she took ds1 to. Imo, that would be the more logical step and would mean she had treated them both equally but instead she has this obsession with ds1 swimming but couldn't care less about ds2! (Btw, I don't expect her to take ds2, just feel it would make more sense than what she is proposing.) Also, I am not sure how she would deal with any reluctance on ds's part (I am sure there would be some because he would be nervous) and just feel that she may handle it in a way dh and I would not be happy with - I'm not talking about endangering him, obviously, but he does lack confidence a little physiacally (though has improved a lot) and I don't know how gentle she'd be and how much comparing him to others in the class there would be. Most of all, I really don't like being told that this is happening.

AIBU to tell her no?

When we go on holiday, I feel so sorry for the child who is sat on their own watching all the others their own age who can swim, and are all in the pool having fun.

There is always one child who is in that situation, and it is such a shame.

YABU swimming is v important all three if my boys could swim by 5 including the dyspraxic one .

By the time they did swimming at school everyone in the class could already swim it will be horrid for them if they are the only non swimmers.Plus swimming is brilliant for keeping fit etc.

Having structured lessons also help their attention skills which as a teacher I am surprised you haven't realised wtf is the supposed to mean? I realise that and I have said that they both have two other classes they attend. There is nothing wrong with their attention skills, in both my professional and maternal opinion.

I can swim but have really bad eczema and its something nice between my friend (dd godmother) and dd that they do together.

I wonder if your own lack of ability to swim is clouding this issue.

Swimming was an essential life skill as far as my parents were concerned (Dad swims well, Mother not at all and resents her inability to do so). My brother has dyspraxia and learning all the physical things was really difficult for him - swimming, cycling etc but with much patience and years of lessons he achieved it.

My bro and I have virtually always swum for exercise as adults the ability to pop along to the pool and do a km is a godsend (especially if you hate the treadmill). It is also useful for taking children swimming........

Lessons at school aren't enough if you want your child to be able to swim properly and early water confidence is very beneficial. I think children can learn to swim pre-age 7 as I certainly know a few who are water confident and able to get from A-B at around age 4. They don't however have fully formed adult strokes.

If the money is an issue ask MIL to pay in lieu of birthday / Christmas gifts. The ability to swim will be worth so much more to child in the future than the plastic tat they miss out on in this way.

Good luck with learning yourself it looks pretty torturous (I'm often in the pool at the same time as the adult beginners). I have had some adult stroke development lessons and found them challenging enough

*When we go on holiday, I feel so sorry for the child who is sat on their own watching all the others their own age who can swim, and are all in the pool having fun.

There is always one child who is in that situation, and it is such a shame.*

I know, it was me . I promise you it won't be my children. I didn't mean to give the impression that I don't want to learn, and don't think I have tbh. I just didn't think it reasonable that I be told what is happening and when by mil.

I know it is a life-skill but does no one agree with me that mil could potentially put him off and damage his confidence by the approach she takes- pushy and comparing him to others?

learning to swim is a life skill, someone else offering to take them - i would love the help. DS2 has been doing lessons for about a year and is loving it, just signed up ds3 aged 4 to start in setember, he is so excited :) maybe do one to one lessons at the same time something special for you both to do

don't want them to learn

I once read that if you as a parent can't swim, then chances are your grandchildren will also be non-swimmers. This is something I feel strongly about as my mum was a non-swimmer so never took us to the pool and I didn't learn to swim until in my 20s. By the time I was 7/8 and doing a term of lessons of school I was afraid of the water, so didn't learn. I know lots of 4/5 year olds who can swim well (including my own), but all have had a lot of practice.

So YABU. I would be over the moon if anyone wanted to take over the weekly swimming lesson trip. I know you have issues with your MIL, but this shouldn't be one of them. She is doing you and your DS a big favour.

By the way, my Granny learned to swim when she was 65, it became a big part of her social life, and she even learned to dive off the edge before she finally had to give it up in her late seventies. It inspired my Mum to learn too, she was about 48 I think when she learned.

I think the fact that they couldn't do it was why they made it such a big deal that I learn as a child, and rightly so.

if she compares him etc in front of him then yes that can knock his confidence or give him the grit determination to nail it. I think maybe you can ask her not to do it in front of him its not helpful.

If you don't like your MILs approach, are you then going to take over the swimming lessons yourself?

Prompted by Madam Deathstare - is there anything that is putting your son off in particular - as a child I hated swimming with my face in the water (and still do - mask off scuba drills are the thing I most hate doing).

My problem with 'face in the water' strokes instantly disappeared with a pair of goggles and they seem to be really relaxed/ positively encouraging about kids having goggles now - which might be worth exploring.

I am sorry but I think yabu, a) its an important life skill b) your mil is paying - This is just my opinion, but as a person who couldn't swim until I was 11 and had spent years being ignored by the teacher during primary school swimming lessons and looking on while my friends had a great time swimming in the pool. I was determined that both of my children could swim as soon as possible.
DD swims like a fish, and has done so since she was 4, swimming lessons plus a weekly splash in the pool with me.
DS has severe Cerbral Palsy he might not be able to walk but he can swim, he had private lessons every week for years (private lessons, because of his CP) Believe me, neither dp or I earn very much, but for us swimming is the most important life skill, because we live on an island.
I never answer aibu because they always make me feel like a harpy, sorry if I have been one.

I think children do need to be compared to others at times. This isnt about academic ability, this is about confidence. If children see others doing something, then it helps build their confidence that they should be able to do it to. A push in that direction from your MIL will not do him any harm at all.

He will thank her in the long run as once he is swimming he will wonder what on earth he was a bit scared of.

Try putting your differences with MIL to one side over this, and let her get on with it.

I do agree with you on the MIL issue lecce her attitude towards your ds abilities could damage his self confidence and its not someone I would choose to take my child swimming. If she is so desparae for your ds to learn mabey suggest lessons as a Birthday or Christmas present and you or your dh can take him along instead.

YABU

You should let her take him swimming and be happy MIL is doing something constructive with him. It's nice of her to make the effort even if she doesn't always get it quite right! She probably sees it as something she can do for him that you can't - not in a competitive way, but working as a family to help your little boy be as well rounded as possible.

The other thing is that many children have learnt at least the basics by the time they start school and he may be behind and not get the attention he needs to progress. It's far better to learn pre primary if possible.

Baby swimming lessons / getting used to the water start around 6 months and that's when I plan to take mine. 7 would be very late to start learning in Britain.

does sound a bit to me that maybe this is actually an issue of the relationship dynamics between you, your dh and your MIL. We had some BRILLIANT relationship counselling before we got married and the best thing we learnt from that is that if the MIL (usually on the bloke's side) is interfering in your relationship or family life then it really is up to the partner concerned (in this case your dh) to communicate clearly your agreed opinions to her. Has been a HUGE lifesaver for us with my lovely but control-freaky MIL
Great if you learn to swim too, then you might not feel so resentful of her trying to muscle in on this.. good luck!

She could put him off, but I think not going at all would put him off and damage his confidence more.

He needs to be taken swimming for fun as well. The problem is probably that if he only has lessons and none of the fun bit just playing in the water, he doesn't get enough time to build his confidence.

leccenow you are incorrect that baby's can not learn to save themselves. There are courses that actually teach swimming but also teach baby's to fall in and roll on to their backs when pushed in to the pool. This saves them from overtiring themselves with swimming when they can't pull themselves out of the water.

I think you feel because you don't swim it isn't that important. You have been lucky, many children die every year due to not being able to save themselves from drowning. It is a totally needless death.

MIL aside if you don't want her to teach him that's fine. But make sure ds learns now. The longer you leave it the less comfortable he will be. Dh learned to swim at 16 because he was embarrassed he couldnt and while he is techincally able to swim he can't be truly comfortable beyond his depth

I agree lots of negative comparisons might be detrimental - however I don't think the solution is to stop the lessons it is either to speak to your MIL or for you or your husband to take over the shuttling.

There are a number of postings on here stating that some children find it more difficult than others to learn to swim (my brother for example) but that they do eventually nail it.

Don't panick op there is time for your ds to learn, its never to late for you too

has she maybe had a traumatic experience that she hasnt shared that is driving her to get dcs to learn.

my friends dad was fanatical and very pushy about swimming when they where children and it wasnt untill now as adults he has told them it was probably stemed from Traumatic stress syndrome due to falklands war, but obviously not diagnosed.

I don't know where you got this 7 years old thing from but it's not true, I promise. I could swim at 5, my nephews were away by 4 (without aids). Starting lessons at 3 is entirely fair enough. They'll need floats / armbands at first, of course they will - but that would be the case anyway.

A friend of mine can't swim either and (forgive me) sees it as a bigger, more complicated deal than it is and has been quite resistant to her children learning. Not that she'd admit it, she'd say she never wanted them to learn - but it was always later, later, next year, when they're older.