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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask ds's dad to contribute towards a new bed for him?

90 replies

superv1xen · 29/08/2011 09:30

ds is 5 and quite small, so he has been managing in one of those toddler beds since he was about 2 1/2 (think they are about 3/4 the size of a single bed and a bit lower)

me and DH (not ds's dad) got him a new full sized single bed and mattress this weekend, luckily my friend donated the bed for free but we are going to have to buy a mattress which will be about £50 - £60 for a decent one, and i have sent DS's dad a message to ask if he would be ok to contribute half towards the mattress.

i feel a bit cheeky asking him though and wonder if its normal for NRP's to contribute towards these kind of things? Hmm he does pay maintenance but not a huge amount.

what do people think?

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/08/2011 09:37

I am not an expert on this as no experience of not living with the father of my dcs, but . . . it does sound cheeky of you.

I assume that the kids sometimes sleep at his house, if so he must have a bed for them there, would you be willing to pay towards that?

planetpotty · 29/08/2011 09:41

OMG we would be horrified if DH ex asked for us to contribute towards something like that. (We pay enough out as it is!) Buuuuuuut every situation different...

Does he have DS at his house so have to provide things like this himself at his house?
Is he paying the recommended amount of maintenance for his earnings?

But as you have asked is it normal for NRPs to contribute towards these kinds of things IMO the answer is no its not run of the mill and that is what child maintenance is for. However every situation is different so I cant say whats right for you :)

TidyDancer · 29/08/2011 09:44

I think YABU tbh. Unless he pays an amount of maintenance that is so low it is usually topped up with assistance for specific items (such as uniform or shoes).

Otherwise, this is what his maintenance should be used for.

Shakirasma · 29/08/2011 09:45

YABU if he regularly pays child maintenance.

Original poster
superv1xen · 29/08/2011 09:47

ds only sleeps over at his dads once a fortnight and ds dad lets him sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a sofabed that he already has in fact think it was once mine :o

he pays maintenance but not a huge amount tbh. but to be fair he grudgingly contributes half towards school uniform.

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 29/08/2011 09:48

his maintenance pretty much only covers feeding DS and paying for his packed lunches etc. which is why i ask him to contribute towards occasional extra expenses such as school uniforms.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/08/2011 09:50

Does he usually give you the money when you ask? And does he pay the market rate of maintenance according to his earnings?

BooBooGlass · 29/08/2011 09:52

Didn't you just go to Las Vegas? I think you can afford the extra £30 for a mattress.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 29/08/2011 09:57

So if your .maintenance covers (albeit just ,about) all his food and half his uniform what do you actually contribute to?

Maintenance is there to cover part of his cost of living not all of it.

If I actually got any maintenance out of xp I would dream.of asking for anything on top unless I was actually on the poverty line.

sleepevader · 29/08/2011 09:58

As a previous lone parent and now a stepparent I am firmly of the opinion that NRPS should only have to pay CSA assessed maintenance.

You are lucky he pays half towards uniform

Original poster
superv1xen · 29/08/2011 09:59

tidy he doesn't quite pay the "market rate" , no. about £40 a month less than he should tbh. but for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping a good-ish relationship with him i don't say anything. my dh pays a lot towards him anyway, buys him clothes, shoes, treats etc.

booboo no, it wasn't Las Vegas, we went to Los Angeles if i'm the one you're thinking of. but what exactly has that got to do with anything? Confused because we can afford a holiday, DS dad doesn't have to contribute as much? is that what you're saying?

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 29/08/2011 10:03

No I just don't see why you think it's ok to ask him for more? It would be great if he offered. I know what it's like to get a raw deal from maintenance, but he's covered half the cost of uniform, presumably in the last month or so. So why now ask for a completely random thing like a mattress when by your own admission you can afford it?

squeakytoy · 29/08/2011 10:04

I think you are being unreasonable. What would you say if your ex asked you for money towards a bed at his own place? Surely you would expect him to buy it himself.

banjaxedfilly · 29/08/2011 10:08

Yabu.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/08/2011 10:08

YABVU, its up to you to provide a bed for your child at your home, the NRP is responsible for those items at their home.

Boohoo makes a good point, if you'd just had an expensive holiday and were then asking for an essential to be provided by somebody else then I can imagine exactly what conclusions would be drawn from that.

I bet you dont provide half the money towards things at his dads house.

ToothbrushThief · 29/08/2011 10:11

YABU - unless your ex is not paying CM at rate agreed by CSA

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/08/2011 10:13

One day ex will have to get your dc his own bed at his place. So you will be happy to pay for half of that then? Could be quite a lot more then you've paid as you got the bed for free and have to only pay for the mattress. Will you be happy to pay £100 towards it?

I think that fact that you are comfortably off is very relevant. As is the fact that you have a new DH. I don't see why in these circumstances your ex should be buying the furniture for your house.

So you paid £15 for the mattress, your DH paid £15 and your ex is expected to pay £30. Is that right? Or did you pay £30 and your DH nothing?

niceguy2 · 29/08/2011 10:16

I think it's cheeky to ask but then part of me thinks if you don't ask you don't get. He will either say yes or no.

But once you get on that slippery slope, where do you draw the line? If he now takes DD on holiday, will you forsake the maintenance whilst she's not in your care?

TidyDancer · 29/08/2011 10:18

Hmm, if he's paying less than he should, maybe you have a case. But are you asking because you can't afford it or because you think he should contribute?

If it's the former, then I can concieve of you asking because the money he should've been giving you would've gone towards this. If it's the latter, YABU because it doesn't really sound like he's earning that much money.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/08/2011 10:25

If he now takes DD on holiday, will you forsake the maintenance whilst she's not in your care?

Maybe even pay for half the holiday?

worraliberty · 29/08/2011 10:33

YABU unless you're on the poverty line

Then again if you were, then you'd make do with the original mattress

GypsyMoth · 29/08/2011 10:38

Yabu

You get child benefit for him?
Tax credits?
Maintenance?
Half of uniform paid?
He goes to his dads twice a month where he pays his food/water/heating etc for that time....

And you are STILL wanting more?

Where's the toddler bed he has out grown? Sell it?

ConstanceNoring · 29/08/2011 10:49

If it was something like school equipment or a trip I don't think it would be cheeky to ask for a contribution, but this is a household item within your house you have with your DH so yes it is cheeky of you to ask.

Plus you have benefited from the kind donation of the bed by your friend.

I am really interested to hear what your exs response is Grin

GypsyMoth · 29/08/2011 10:50

Yes, has he replied yet?

Catslikehats · 29/08/2011 10:54

I think if you can afford it (which sounds like you can) then you should pay the cost.

If you cannot afford a matress and your exp can then it'd be a fairly shitty father that refused the request.