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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask ds's dad to contribute towards a new bed for him?

90 replies

superv1xen · 29/08/2011 09:30

ds is 5 and quite small, so he has been managing in one of those toddler beds since he was about 2 1/2 (think they are about 3/4 the size of a single bed and a bit lower)

me and DH (not ds's dad) got him a new full sized single bed and mattress this weekend, luckily my friend donated the bed for free but we are going to have to buy a mattress which will be about £50 - £60 for a decent one, and i have sent DS's dad a message to ask if he would be ok to contribute half towards the mattress.

i feel a bit cheeky asking him though and wonder if its normal for NRP's to contribute towards these kind of things? Hmm he does pay maintenance but not a huge amount.

what do people think?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 29/08/2011 11:41

worra new dh wouldn't need to if the ex paid what he's meant to

OP didn't say he needs to. Perhaps he wants to? He is his Step Dad after all.

Either way he is so imo the OP is being grabby.

FreudianSlipper · 29/08/2011 11:42

yanbu and i would be surprised if your ex thought it was unreasonable

i do not think it is cheeky to ask its a one off

he may pay maintenance but do you have a limit that you spend on ds a month and then once you hit that limit you spend no more, of course not as at times you have to pay out for expensive items

you can only ask he may not have any spare cash but if he is not worried about money i can not see why he would not want to contribute

worraliberty · 29/08/2011 11:44

But the NRP might not even know he's paying less than he should

The OP says she doesn't say anything because he pays half towards uniforms

Maybe if she told him, it would work out cheaper for him?

plinkplonk · 29/08/2011 11:45

I think dcs pick up on this sort of thing - and what they are left with is a feeling that every penny spent on them is counted and tallied according to what the other parent spends. Which is not good.

MorallyBankrupt · 29/08/2011 11:48

I think OP sounds very grabby.

I hate the attitude of 'don't ask don't get'. How can an adult really live their life like that? If he needs a new pencil for school do you ask him for the other 10p? Shock

Vibrant · 29/08/2011 11:53

If she were grabby she'd be making sure she was getting the full amount of maintenance, and then would be asking for more. I kind of get where she's coming from. I haven't had any maintenance in a year, but occasionally will ask for a contribution towards something. Mostly it's thrown back in my face, but very occasionally he has stumped up a few quid. So I'd agree with the "if you don't ask, you don't get".

ChippingIn · 29/08/2011 11:54

I wouldn't have. I would only ask for things like uniform, school trips etc. It's furniture for your house & you aren't struggling to afford it. I actually think it's beyond cheeky. Also, as others have said, if you keep asking for things he's going to start saying 'No' then when you really need it or it's fair to ask for it (school trips etc) you will be left carrying the can.

If his CM isn't enough/reasonable/fair then sort that out.

Sawyer64 · 29/08/2011 11:54

my Ex DH paid for my DS's bed when I was alone and on IS.I thought that he should help towards major purchases then such as Bed,Car Seats etc. But when I remarried,Me and my new DH pay for everything.My Ex DH pays maintenance and that helps towards things.

FreudianSlipper · 29/08/2011 11:56

do you set a limit on how much you spend on your children each month then spend nothing over that

grabby how ridiculous she is asking him to put some money towards their sons bed, it may not occur to him ask to offer but he may not mind being asked so why not

ds came home yesterday with some new clothes and trainers and another pair have been ordered, the ex would not dream of taking this out of his maintenance. he does this because he can afford to, if he couldn't that would not be a problem but more importantly he also does not think well i pay x amount each month and that is it towards my child and even if i can i will not spend any more, what a horrible way to think and i can not believe any parent would feel like this

GypsyMoth · 29/08/2011 12:00

Sell the toddler bed to raise the £30!!

fourkids · 29/08/2011 12:03

YABU this stuff is what he pays maintenance for. As is school uniform.

fourkids · 29/08/2011 12:06

However, had you put this on step-parenting, you might have got a different response....lots of folks there who think that it is okay to keep asking the exH for extra money, and wrong of exH to say no if they are asked.

rubyrubyruby · 29/08/2011 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 29/08/2011 12:07

Well the OP's ex will no doubt need to buy the child a bed soon and other things the DS needs so perhaps he'll stop that out of OP's maintenance.

Also, I wonder if the OP has taken into consideration that if her ex is as like minded...maybe she's 'missing' £40 per month because he tots up petrol, food, gas, electric, and absolutely every penny he spends during the fortnightly sleepover?

FreudianSlipper · 29/08/2011 12:12

ds stays with his dad every other week and no i do not pay back maintenance for that time as my bills and mortgage on a bigger property i bought to house myself and ds still has to be paid for

on threads like this i really can understand why single mums feel victimised

worraliberty · 29/08/2011 12:16

And look how many ex's have to house themselves and start from scratch because they suddenly find themselves a NRP?

They're still expected to pay maintenance and sort out a new home for themselves Freudian

FabbyChic · 29/08/2011 12:17

He should be paying half the costs of his food and clothing. Providing a bed is your responsibility.

Vibrant · 29/08/2011 12:17

We don't know the ex's position though do we? Maybe he's like mine and was left with a fully functioning home, and all he needed to have dd for overnights.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 29/08/2011 12:24

It sounds like the consensus is that YABU. So get the extra £480 a year he owes from him and use that for things like this.

FreudianSlipper · 29/08/2011 12:25

and what is it they have to pay 25% of their wage rp most of their money/wage will go on living costs

do you really only spend x amount on your child every month and if they need anything more say sorry you will have to wait for next month i have spent your monthly allowance (unless money is very tight)

if they are struggling for money that is different but if they are not i can not understand why a parent would not want to contribute extra on the odd occasion to something their child needs

MorallyBankrupt · 29/08/2011 12:29

Because they still need to maintain a home for when their child comes to stay. That is where the majority of their wage is spent!

FreudianSlipper · 29/08/2011 12:39

ok do you have a limit on what you spend on your children every month and if they need something make them wait until next month if you have spare money

is it so awful for a nrp to pay a little more than they normally do i am not saying that they have no outgoings but unless care is shared they will not have to pay out the same costs, their bills will not be as high, they will not have to do all the extra running around that the rp will be doing

i just can not get my head around thinking that a nrp would object to paying a bit extra for something like a bed (and the nrp i know would not feel like that at all) or that others think its being grabby its a bed that his child needs

worraliberty · 29/08/2011 12:44

Their bills could be just as high or even higher if they have other children that they are the RP of.

Hatesponge · 29/08/2011 12:48

I think it's taking the piss tbh. If you really really had not a penny, then it would be justified, but if you can afford it you should pay for it yourself. If he's not paying the correct amont of CM, that's a separate issue which you should resolve. I don't think it's reasonable to say well because he doesn't pay the correct amount of CM, I'll ask him to fund half the cost of furniture for our DS....

If I asked my Ex something like this it would be a red rag to a bull. However I don't get any money from him whatsoever (my choice) so a slightly different situation. But I still think YABU.

MistyMountainHop · 29/08/2011 12:49

If she were grabby she'd be making sure she was getting the full amount of maintenance

exactly.