to ask ds's dad to contribute towards a new bed for him?

[superv1xen]

ds is 5 and quite small, so he has been managing in one of those toddler beds since he was about 2 1/2 (think they are about 3/4 the size of a single bed and a bit lower)

me and DH (not ds's dad) got him a new full sized single bed and mattress this weekend, luckily my friend donated the bed for free but we are going to have to buy a mattress which will be about £50 - £60 for a decent one, and i have sent DS's dad a message to ask if he would be ok to contribute half towards the mattress.

i feel a bit cheeky asking him though and wonder if its normal for NRP's to contribute towards these kind of things? he does pay maintenance but not a huge amount.

what do people think?

but then their are two parents in the house to provide for them

Freudian, I think lots of people will have sympathy with your POV, so don't feel victimised.

My problem is that lots of women seem to think that because they were once married to someone/got impregnated by someone, they can expect to be helped out by that someone for ever. Yes, NRP should pay the correct amount of maintenance. no question.

But, in my opinion, RP shouldn't expect their ex to go without so that they don't have to. ie, in given situation OP doesn't want to go without (a takeaway, bottle of perfume, evening out, take your pick) in order to pay for DC's bed. NRP already pays maintenance, so why should he go without (a takeaway, bottle of aftershave, few beers, take your pick) so that she doesn't have to?

Has OP really been to Las Vegas? Hard to claim she needs the money.

NRP should pay the correct maintenance and RP should leave him to get on with his own life and not expect to be supported for the rest of hers. Sorry OP - sounds harsh, but directed at all those who fail to realise that an ex is just that - an ex. He should support his child, but owes his ex nothing.

Unless OP is planning, as someone else suggested, to give NRP half towards DC's bed at his house. In which case, why bother?

but the bed is for their child not for her

most ex's do not feel their ex should provide for them but they do feel their child/children should have the best that both parents can give in the situation there are in, that is emotionally and financially. i do not and will not expect anything less for ds just because we are separated

to many seem to be focusing on her, this is not about her it is about their child

I've thought long and hard about what to think of this thread, and as I've read through the replies my POV has changed several times. However, as someone who has a child from a previous relationship for whom I receive maintenance, I wouldn't ask my ex to pay half. I don't think I've ever asked him for anything over and above the maintenance he pays. If I asked him, I'm sure he would pay, but it wouldn't occur to me to ask him. I have since re-married and had 2 more DCs and we are a family unit, it would feel odd to ask the ex to pay for something for DD1's room. When she has needed furniture DH and i just went and bought it, like we did for the 2 other DCs.

So OP, I do think YABU. It's only £30, it sounds as though you and your partner are comfortably off. If you can't afford it, look for a cheaper mattress, I think they're only £20 or so in Ikea, or use the smaller mattress on the larger bedframe for a few weeks until you've saved up enough money. I did this with DD1's bed funnily enough when I was a single parent and someone gave me a single bed for her; I used her cotbed mattress for a few weeks on the new bedframe until I could afford a proper mattress. I don't want to be mean but it does sound as though you are being a bit grabby, you sound a little like one of those people that adds up everything they've eaten when they have a meal out with friends rather than dividing the bill up.

I think you're being cheeky. That's what your maintenance is for.

You said th emoney covers feeding your son and his lunch boxes, he shouldn't be covering the full cost of his food you do get Child Benefit and the child is half yours so you should be bearing more than half the costs.

You don't get maintanance that covers full costs why would you? That be insane.

I agree Fabbychic, why should the NRP have to fork out for the full cost of a child? It does annoy me when parents think the NRP owes them the world. I'm not saying this is the OP's case as I'm sure she isn't like that, but I do hear plenty of friends moaning about their exes when their exes pay a lot. One friend gets £400 per month for her daughter yet still complains about it and expects her ex husband to pay their daughter's cost for holidays she takes her on, or to pay for school trips, or Clarks shoes or whatever. I really can't comprehend it.

My ex will, if he knows a month is hard, offer to help out with a little extra cash (school photos, unexpected need for new school shoes due to playground idiocy etc.) on top of his usual maintenance. I would not ask though. It's damn rude.

With regards to the bed. You have had years to save up for a new one, you can't honestly say you weren't expecting to have to replace a toddler bed? You've also got one very cheap. Buying beds for my two cost £350, and they were cheap and cheerful loft beds (small house, no space) with basic mattresses. Suck it up.

I think the NRP should text back and say thats fine and by the way he now needs his own bed here so you owe me £100! After all, fairs fair.

Not to mention presumably the toddler bed will go to the new addition so he's actually subsidising the new baby if he pays towards the new bed!

The NRP shouldnt be expected to pay the full cost of raising the child, the PWC should pay as well. Given she no doubt gets child benefit and tax credits on top of the maintainance and her new DH buys the childs clothes I wonder if any extra is actually a month to meet the childs costs from the PWC's wage??

YABU, maintenance is supposed to cover this sort of stuff. Asking for individual things makes you look petty when it isn't. If you are not getting enough maintenance discuss it with him and if no joy then go through the CSA.

YABU to ask on this specific occasion as where he sleeps is your business. Where he sleeps at his dads (even if he hasn't got a bed) is his dad's business. But I also think if he is paying less than he should for maintnence you should sort it out. Makes sense to have him pay what he should all the time rather than feeling hard done by when you ask him to pay extra some of the time

Yabu.

I'm really surprised how outraged everyone seems. It seems OK to me to ask - after all, it's asking, not demanding. Good luck!

I think you have to decide if asking is worth the hassle tbh. My dad used to go into full martyr mode whenever my mum asked for extra and we were definately struggling (no central heating for about 6 years, hand me down clothes, sometimes no electricity when my mum couldn't afford to pay the bill).

Don't get me wrong, £30 is alot of money to some people (me included if I'm honest) but is it really worth the aggro of asking your ex? Considering you've managed a holiday to L.A recently he may well throw that back at you. And while I'm being honest I may be tempted to if I was him.

I think for the tiny (tiny to you propably seeing as you just went to LosAngeles) amount of 30 quid, you are risking looking very petty indeed and ruining the civil relationship you have at the moment with your ex.

Look at how this is likely to continue . . . he gives you £30 for the mattress, you then ask for half of a new chest of drawers for the kids room, he then asks for half of a bed for his house, you want half of something else, then so does he . . . soon your added up if the halfs you have paid are more then the halfs he has paid.

You are coming across as greedy and money grabbing. You might well say that if you don't ask you don't get but is it worth it? Isn't your son worth more then that?!