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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dating someone who has behaved improperly

331 replies

MitchiestInge · 28/08/2011 22:29

eg: if you were a patient in hospital and someone involved in your care got your number and asked you out, how bad would it be to go out with them? if they were nice obviously

I've been quite good at ignoring his calls, not that he has been very pestery, but today made arrangements to meet next week so on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being unspeakably stupid and 1 being barely registrable on idiocy scale how bad is it?

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 29/08/2011 07:35

Ah, I get it.

Izzy thinks that Perry is a man in disguise, hoping to lure Mitch into a dastardly trap by offering help on an internet forum. Very Eastenders.

Izzy, I think that you misconstrued Perry's offer. She was only offering to chat to Mitch off board about her own experiences in this area. It is not so unusual to see this being offered on MN.

CeliaFate · 29/08/2011 07:48

What he did was a breach of your privacy and is a sackable offence. If he wanted your number, why not just ask you for it?
Doesn't it seem mind-blowingly obvious that this is not the normal action of a lovely bloke?
He could have given you his number.
He could have asked you out in person.
He could have searched for you on Facebook and asked to be your friend.
He did none of these things, he took your personal information without your knowledge or consent.
If you go out with him, after all you've been advised, I hope you find out a bit more about him first from his FB page. I think it'll be a huge mistake.

JodieHarsh · 29/08/2011 08:04

Am ROARING at Izzy's spectacular misconstruing of Perry's offer Grin Grin

OP, I will add my voice to the chorus: No. Just - NO.

Catslikehats · 29/08/2011 08:12

Mitch I've just come across this thread.

You once offered me some very sound advice after a nasty fall off my horse so please see this as returning the favour: This man is no good. Really he is not.

I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist about how he got your number. That was wrong, but it doesn't always mean the person involved is a wrongun.

What is totally, unforgiveably unacceptable is that he is preying on you when you are vulnerable and in the full knowledge that you are. How he has managed to put himself in a position where this is possible (i.e. by accessing your private details) is almost a red herring. His behaviour now is what should be ringing alarm bells.

learningtofly · 29/08/2011 08:37

I'm really sorry but I agree with the posters who say this unacceptable behaviour and I work in healthcare.

If you give him the benefit of doubt it could be that he is very naive. Otherwise he is taking advantage of the vulnerability of a patient.

If he was really concerned about your well fair the proper way to find out would be to contact the ward you were transferred to directly, even then they shouldn't really divulge info over the telephone. He shouldn't be contacting you directly, even if you gave him your number yourself.

Even if he isn't a qualified member of staff he is on very very dicey ground as all staff are bound by patient confidentiality.

hairfullofsnakes · 29/08/2011 08:58

I think perry deserves an apology from izzy

solidgoldbrass · 29/08/2011 09:13

He asked for your email address and you happily gave it to him, fair (well, sort of, it's still a bit dodgy for a HCP to ask a patient for personal contact details for personal reasons) BUT he then stole your phone number and has been stalking you by repeatedly phoning. A normal, decent bloke would realise that no reply to emails (ie if his email went in spam) was a clear hint that the woman wasn't interested. ANd if phoning got no response he would stop. The fact that this man keeps on phoning and has put youm a vulnerable adult with MH issues, under pressure to meet him suggests that he is massively entitled, selfish, stupid and very probably dangerous.

HeifferunderConstruction · 29/08/2011 09:19

Did he just ring you up afterwards and say 'its Dr .... you wanna go out??'

SheCutOffTheirTails · 29/08/2011 09:31

kerry had it ages ago - depends what you were in for.

If a nice, handsome doctor helped to put my twisted shoulder in a sling and then asked me out I would not give a fuck that he had broken some rules to do it.

Having a sprained ankle or broken collar bone doesn't make a grown woman vulnerable to a predatory man, there's no age or power difference that would make a relationship inappropriate.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 29/08/2011 09:38

Just saw that you were transferred to a psych ward, and that he knew about it. That means stay the fuck away from him.

You are vulnerable, and he knows it. It was very wrong of him to have made any approaches at all, never mind repeated phonecalls to a number he shouldn't even have.

This is the kind of situation the rules were made for.

Catslikehats · 29/08/2011 09:48

Oh and agreed izzy owes perry an apology.

And Flowerista one to the OP - npt finding anything funny about her situation at all Hmm

LIZS · 29/08/2011 09:50

So he did n't ask for your number or use it with permission - he found it and tried to call Hmm Think you need to stop yourself from returning unknown number calls for oen thing and agree he has probably done this before. You were a patient of his, not relationship fodder. If you have MH issues you are deemed a vulnerable adult and he should know where the boundary lies - very unprofessional and yes a 10 sorry.

Shoutymomma · 29/08/2011 10:00

Oh how romantic!!!!!!!!!!! Esp if he's NOT a serial killer.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 29/08/2011 10:05

so many posts since I went to sleep, actually I returned the call because I thought it might be a social worker - they'd been phoning the ward who gave them my number.

he's not a doctor, but don't see what difference it makes what his job is - it's either very wrong or a bit wrong or something else. Different roles = more or less to lose, it's not that a higher or lower rank somehow exculpates is it?

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/08/2011 10:08

Do you use voicemail ? I think any genuine caller would have left a message and that would enable you to callscreen if needs be.

Catslikehats · 29/08/2011 10:13

No I agree rank doesn't exculpate the behaviour although I think it would be easier to explain (not necessarily excuse it) in someone who was "lower rank" on the basis that
i) they didn't have so much "hold" over you;
ii) they might be a little less confident in their abilities to pursue through "normal" channels and
iii) they may be less clear on the seriousness of the misconduct.

However IMO all that would only apply if you were not vulnerable, and from reading this thread it appears that you are which makes the whole thing just wrong.

(and if you need any further perspective ten years ago I twisted my ankle, was admitted to A&E late at night, very nice junior dr came by chatting to me (I was junior lawyer and concerned about getting to ct in the morning - he had friends who had done bar exams about same time as me) on way out he asked if he could call me. I declined because I had a DP but I see nothing wrong with what he did but your situation is different - can you see that?

Georgimama · 29/08/2011 10:15

Well if he's a doctor you should report him to the GMC and if he's a nurse you should report him to the RCN as well as the hospital. That's about all the difference it makes.

Littlefish · 29/08/2011 10:16

Good idea to speak to your cpn about it. Meeting him sounds like a very bad idea to me. He is abusing his position by looking in your files to find your number. What else is in your file that he could have read?

PerryCombover · 29/08/2011 10:17

If he's a therapist or counsellor he should be reported not only to the hospital but also to the BACP

TartyMcFarty · 29/08/2011 10:21

Erm, ethics aside, he sounds a bit bonkers tbh. If he's this hard to ignore before you've dated, imagine how persistent he could become if you went ahead but later changed your mind.

Don't go there.

Claw3 · 29/08/2011 10:26

10

Jodianna · 29/08/2011 10:36

TBH, doesn't matter whether he's the bloody cleaner or a doctor. The fact is he's overstepped the legal boundaries. He is trying to create a relationship with somebody who is very obviously vulnerable. Ask yourself why? Discounting the thought that maybe he fancies you. Why? Because he can control you? Because he can manipulate you? Because he can get what he wants and if it involves something that you don't want he can say, Look, you're being silly, she's got mental health issues, she's obviously making it up? I think it's very scary. You really should make sure you tell your CPN that this has happened, being very clear that he took the number from your notes and that you want it reported and you want to hear about the feedback. Neither you nor I have a clue how many other vulnerable people he has done this to, and you certainly wouldn't want to be in a position whereby you've left him to do it to other people who may be more vulnerable than you.
Say no and report it.

aldiwhore · 29/08/2011 10:41

Its wrong but AWWWW the romantic in me reckons there's many happily married couples out there who met after doing something they shouldn't have.

aldiwhore · 29/08/2011 10:42

But also, when there's MH issues involved, its adds a whole new almost sinister twist on things doesn't it?

I don't know.

Claw3 · 29/08/2011 10:45

Why didnt he just ask you for your number? giving you a choice in this situation, he has forced this situation on you.

He took your number from your files, how many other patients has he done this to?

I would think this very weird and alarm bells would be ringing.