to be fed up of feeling poor, dh on 45k i'm a sahm, we have no debts and a good life, yet i still feel a bit poor

[dovebird]

we don't have money worries, our house is worth a fair bit more[40k at least] more than we owe on it, i'm happy being a sahm, we have a happy marraige on the whole,healthy as far as we know,nice car, been one one holiday abroad this year and 5 weekends away in uk.
we have a largeish 3 bedroom house which more than meets our needs
we get to have days out and meals out fairly often

i am surrounded by wealthy people though, with huge houses and very good lifestyles [ie gardeners, cleaners, never do their own d.i.y etc]

i'm fed up of feeling poor all time.

Have you actually spoken to the wealthy people you envy- do you know how they feel about their lives?

I am very well off but time poor (work long hours) and have a very stressful job (demanding and insecure)- I struggle to find time to see my family (and only doing it by sacrificing the rest of my life) other people I know like that who are SAHM have husbands that they don't see from one end of the week to the next. I am fed up with people who earn less than me commenting on the "things" we have/money we have without also commenting on the time /stress differential . Its a trade off - if you don't like it change it.

You cannot have it all -all the time. I look at people with smaller houses than me who i know earn a lot less and am envious as they are SAHMs, they are choosing to have children when they want it rather than worry how it impacts their career, they get to have hobbies and spend time together. I don't think how sad it is they don't have a cleaner.

I know someones daughter (very very rich - think multi millionaire) who came home from school complaining that they were poor- everyone else at school had a private jet

Absolutely, Booty. My ILs are in N Africa. They live (MIL, GMIL who is paralysed, 3xSILs and 2x toddlers) in a 2 bed tiny flat with no garden. They are middle class! One SIL works 6 days per week for £100 a month which is barely enough to buy nappies and bus fares for her to get to work. She barely sees her DS but she is divorced and gets nothing like maintenance or child benefit.

I am lucky. I earn far less than the OP's H and rent my house, have debts and don't have a SAHP to look after DS or the house. But I'm lucky. OP is a jealous, blinkered fool person not to see that.

Just briefly read the thread but I get the gist.

You really have to be thankful for what you have however little.

Xenia........I think she is jealous of all of us who work part time or not at all. She protests far to much......

I don't think anyone in their right mind would be jealous of Xenia

i very much doubt xenia is jealous of anyone on mumsnet!

I don't think you're a horrible person or a twat OP, I think it's a shame you are making yourself miserable with envy when you should be feeling incredibly fortunate to live the life you do. Read a book called www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336 and start to measure your happiness in other ways rather than by how much you have materially. Otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Who knows what might lie around the corner? You are healthy, you have a happy marriage, lovely children...the money doesn't even come into it, although it goes without saying that in comparison with many others (me included) you are very well off.

So why did you marry someone who earns a lot less than you want hm to earn give you expect to be kept? What made you choose that when in fact material goods and cleaners etc are important to you. You picked a life wher eyou earn not a jot when instead you could have been a top accountant on £1m a year. You chose a husband who doesn't earn much. Why did you make those choices when instead you want a life where you are married to someone who keeps you, you don't work, you don't clean and you have nanies and cleaners?

Also I earn a lot more and I have had nothing like the number of weekends away you mention.

OP I do know slightly how you fell tbh.

We live on a road (rented) where people regularly talk about their ski chalet... In my weaker moments I have asked DH why when we all have very similar incomes do some people have a ski chalet and a cleaner and we have neither. Then he pointed out that one of the couples I was jealous of had been given a house whine they got married from his parents. Not the deposit, the entire 4 bed house.

So the point is you cannot really know what goes on behind closed doors. They may have vast additional income you don't know about so comparing your 45k lifestyle with theirs may actually be comparing 45k with 80k.

You will drive yourself mad if you worry about it.

When they got married, not whine!

"how nice it would be to have the time to do anything you want rather than clean/diy etc"

[snorts with laughter]

Yes.

Yes, that would be, er, "nice".

Xenia 'what was your career before before you decided to live in poverty by giving up work?' The OP doesn't live in poverty; she's had 5 weekends away this year & a foreign holiday!

Having lots of material things do not make you any happier per se, but having the ability to buy them does. We all know the really important things in life are health, love, nature / all the things money can't buy ( although people with higher incomes tend to be healthier ) - but I have never met anyone in my life who wants to be poor - money gives you freedom and power - it's not a crime to want lots of it - if we haven't got a few material goals and aspirations we might as well give up and become Buddhists.

hi, carminagoesprimal. Sorry for my slow reply; I just threw my Blackberry on a table and took the dog and dd for a walk in the rain.

Seriously, though, you don't actually need to have a Blackberry, and without actually binning it, turning it off is sane for several hours a day.

Xenia, I think I'm among the many here who did not choose a husband for his earning power. Frankly, the idea of doing so makes my blood run cold. You are then enslaved to a domestic tyrant who holds your life in his hands. I've seen women anxiously examining every line on their faces in case dh leaves them for a younger model. I know you don't live that way yourself, because you say you work; do you though love your job? Does it make your heart sing? Or is it just a meal ticket?

I've told my dc to work hard - get good jobs with good salaries - buy a nice car, a nice house - earn your own money, never get into debt. Never be at the mercy of a credit card company - be financially successful and everything else flows,

Bish Bash Bosh.

Ho ho.

Nice try!

Carmina, as long as you and they know that even a nice house might not be the very nicest they know of, that even a nice car will eventually turn into an old banger, and that a good job with a good salary is still never much use if it makes your life an unlivable misery. I agree about the credit card companies, though - and sorry, but what is 'financially successful'? The OP is 'financially successful' by most people's standards.

Xenia loves her work and didn't marry a man who earned more than she does IIRC

As for the OP, well,

You need to change your mind set a bit.

My DH has a very good job - but we had to move when he took it so I sold my company that I had spent 7 years building up and happily moved with him. We have no kids (2 SS's who are older now)
He suggested I took a few months off while I decided what I want to do - that was over 2 years ago
So - the way I see it - I contribute to our partnership by doing the laundry, cleaning, paperwork, packing for hols, walking dog, clearing dead mice after cat has had them, cooking, organising social stuff etc. I also do quite a bit of charity / volunteer/ fundraising stuff. We could afford people to do it for us and I could lunch and shop but what would be the point?
We live next to people who are far better off than us - weekend country estates and stuff. One was asked to take part in secret millionaire but declined. Doesn't bother me.

Now got to hoover through, mop floors, clean bathroom, food shop, walk dog, organise dinner. And I think I am one of the luckiest people I know.

'Poor' you say - in what way?

Thanks for posting though - it has made me realise once more how lucky I am and that I must never take it for granted.

Does Xenia really own an island?

If so, please tell me what you do as a job... Are you Karen Brady?

There's always someone we can feel envious of, be it money, relationships, jobs, children, achievements, status etc. I don't think the problem is your standard of living, though I felt like you when I lived in London (I wanted to vox pop people on the tube and ask "do you own your house? HOW???") and we moved out of london - I feel a lot better. If you've got wealth right in your face the entire time it does make you feel 'poor' (even though you know perfectly well you are not).

A lot of shocking venom poured on you on your thread OP - you seem to have a thick skin to take it... thicker than mine, anyway. I could feel envious that you have a thicker skin than mine.

imo you've got too much time on your hands. Do some voluntary work if the kids are at school - that certainly gives one a balanced view of what's going on around you. Also, don't believe that all is hunky dory in those families you are envious of - many of them are probably deeply envious of you for different reasons other than your lack of 'wealth'. You are indeed rich and it is a great shame you're focusing on the wrong things.

OP - I can see where you are coming from, that is not to say there aren't others that are worse off than you, there always will be.

I now earn a very good salary and live in a big house in a great area, a level which I aspired to for ages and thought it would solve all my problems. I can honestly say that DH and I were happier living in a rented 2 bed flat when we ran out of money at the end of every month.

In fact I now wonder around our house thinking, what the the chuffing point of this and we are considering selling up, ditching the careers and going to live somewhere sunny.

Count your blessings.

breaktime73 Thu 25-Aug-11 22:16:08
or move to a poor area where you can be the richest??? would that cheer you up??

Agree with breaktime

Sieglinde - hi . >

Financially successful is being able to afford the good things in life -

My cousin and his wife started with nothing living in very cramped run-down

flat, 20 years and a lot of hard work later, they are extremely wealthy.

When i talk to his wife she says she'd give anything to go back to the flat

days they were far happier.

I know it's a cliche, but really money and material objects aren't everything.

You sound a bit fed up to me, maybe you need a change, study or a bit of

part-time work. Good luck Dove.

onlylivinggirl - quite agree - some people think that a large wage is like a 'prize' and don't realise it is like selling your soul. It is a decision to take.

When people who work 9-5pm moan about their pay I do often feel a bit inside. That is just not how it works.